So here is the story- since it became clear that we were going to get married, I've been worried about planning a wedding from a pleasing both sets of families standpoint. My parents retired young, have been really good savers, but do not spend a lot of money on anything. I paid for my own college, and though they have helped me out with loans here and there, I have basically been on my own since 18, FI's parents both make a lot of money, live in a really wealthy area, and though not ostentatious, like to spend their money on comforts they appreciate. They paid for college, gave FI a down payment on his condo, and even bought his last car (a fact that they happened to mention to my parents when they met, which pissed FI off.). They are taking us on vacation next month.
Anyway, luckily we are in a place where we can afford to pay for our own wedding. So we went forth planning a wedding that we thought would be easy for my family (who range from 300-1000 miles away) to come to our area and be comfortable, but would still be a "nice" enough wedding in the area to please my FIL. B/c we are paying, my parents can give no input into how much things cost, and FIs family can't demand upgrades- which would make my parents uncomfortable and we don't care about (chair covers, champagne station at the ceremony, chocolate fountains, etc). I know that since we are paying, we can have whatever wedding we want, but it is VERY important to me that both sets of parents be happy and not stressing me out on our wedding day. I would be miserable if my dad, who has terrible anxiety, was an anxious wreck.
Anyway, a couple weeks after the plans got solidified and we told my parents what we were doing, my dad called me up and said they would like to contribute. I told him we are paying for this wedding ourselves, but we would accept any gifts you may give us. Through the power of internet research, he was able to figure out how much per head we were paying (it's pretty outrageous- but standard here). He asked me about it at Christmas after I had been drinking and I did not deny it (I know I sholud've bean dipped him). Though he didn't say anything directly, he was visibly upset about it. My mom asked me a bit later that day "so there isn't anything that you can do- like cut the open bar to make it cheaper?" Yeah. No.
I feel bad because I know that they want to host their little girl's wedding, but I don't want them to spend their money on this if they don't feel comfortable spending the kind of money for the wedding we are planning. Meanwhile, FI's family has offered us a blank check and FI is turning it down b/c he knows that his mom is just going to demand more upgrades that we don't want/need. I think my dad thinks FI's family is footing the bill for this and that he is made to look like a cheap A-hole who isn't giving us enough money. I know that it's really none of his business how much they contribute, however.
I guess I just need verification that my dad's feelings are my dad's feelings and that I am doing everything the way that we should. My parents are traditional and feel like the brides family should pay for the wedding, but we want the wedding we want and can pay for it.