Holding a grudge over being addressed as a 'plus one'?

nicolemarie1985

My fiance and I are getting married in a few months. We live together.  We have received invites to two weddings from two of his friends within the last couple of weeks, both addressed to him "plus one". I am seriously offended at this. We aren't just in a relationship, or just living together, we are engaged! And I have met these people! And they are invited (by both names) to our wedding. I really don't want to go to theirs, and I'd like to remove them from our guest list since our invites haven't gone out yet, but my FH is upset because they are apparently two of his 'best friends'. I don't think I want to spend $550 to have these four individuals  watch our union when they can't respect it, nor do I want to spend money we don't have on gifts for them. Am I clouded by wedding blindness and being unreasonable?

thisismynickname2

Honestly, this is worth being peeved over for sure, but not worth throwing away a friendship. 

I feel you- a couple invited us to their wedding that was occurring one month before ours, addressed to FI and Guest. The only thing that makes any sense to me at all is perhaps they were thinking that if I couldn't go, they'd let him bring someone else? It's either that or they were too lazy or scared to ask him how to spell my last name. (It's not on social media.)

Still. It's ridiculous they did that, but this is one to let go. 

ShesSoCold

nicolemarie1985 said:

My fiance and I are getting married in a few months. We live together.  We have received invites to two weddings from two of his friends within the last couple of weeks, both addressed to him "plus one". I am seriously offended at this. We aren't just in a relationship, or just living together, we are engaged! And I have met these people! And they are invited (by both names) to our wedding. I really don't want to go to theirs, and I'd like to remove them from our guest list since our invites haven't gone out yet, but my FH is upset because they are apparently two of his 'best friends'. I don't think I want to spend $550 to have these four individuals  watch our union when they can't respect it, nor do I want to spend money we don't have on gifts for them. Am I clouded by wedding blindness and being unreasonable?

I get being kind of upset, but I think not inviting these close friends to the wedding is a bit dramatic. 

KatWAG

I get being annoyed, but I think you are over- reacting. Its not like they didn't invite you.

These are your Fi's friends so it should be his call regarding inviting them to the wedding or not. And if you sent them STDs then you have to invite him.

mlg78

Is it worth grumbling about, whining to your fiance and posting about it on here? Sure. But you're overreacting.

nicolemarie1985

Thanks, Ladies. Sometimes I can't figure out what I would normally even do because of the emotional roller coaster that is wedding planning

I agree that I'm being dramatic, but I just need some perspective because I can't help myself from feeling annoyed and making small comments about it when it comes up.

 It's more because one of his friends in question I met more than once, and even had a lengthy discussion ABOUT our weddings with (since hers is 2 weeks prior to ours). I haven't spent enough time with her to have anything but passing pleasantries, so I know I didn't do anything to offend her. Plus, they dated briefly in HS and I keep having to hear how sweet she his from his mother and all because she knows his family. I really just want to scream. It's not a jealousy feeling, I'm more upset that she did this blatantly and, in my opinion, purposely and that my FI doesn't say a word and still wants to go.

The other friend I am definitely being ridiculous with, because I think it's just residual annoyance from the other situation.

Thanks for keeping me from going full on bride-crazy!

blabla89

Like, they actually wrote "plus one" on the invitation? WTF, who does that?

FI and I have gotten several invitations addressed to one of us "and guest". I can understand feeling annoyed about it. Vent about it, have a glass of wine and move on with your life. But cutting them off your wedding guest list and refusing to attend their wedding seems kind of petty. Besides, they're your DH's friends, so he should be making the decision.

nicolemarie1985

My more level headed personality (IE NOT the one planning my wedding) agrees with all of you.

...can I at least sign the card from 'FI and guest'? LOL

ShesSoCold

We've had a number of posters here who didn't know it was incorrect to address legally single guests to "and guests". So it could very well be doe to ignorance or mis-information, and not even remotely a passive-aggressive stab at your relationship. 

KatWAG

nicolemarie1985 said:

Thanks, Ladies. Sometimes I can't figure out what I would normally even do because of the emotional roller coaster that is wedding planning

I agree that I'm being dramatic, but I just need some perspective because I can't help myself from feeling annoyed and making small comments about it when it comes up.

 It's more because one of his friends in question I met more than once, and even had a lengthy discussion ABOUT our weddings with (since hers is 2 weeks prior to ours). I haven't spent enough time with her to have anything but passing pleasantries, so I know I didn't do anything to offend her. Plus, they dated briefly in HS and I keep having to hear how sweet she his from his mother and all because she knows his family. I really just want to scream. It's not a jealousy feeling, I'm more upset that she did this blatantly and, in my opinion, purposely and that my FI doesn't say a word and still wants to go.

The other friend I am definitely being ridiculous with, because I think it's just residual annoyance from the other situation.

Thanks for keeping me from going full on bride-crazy!

I have no idea how this would ever come up, unless you bring it up. And if you do bring it up to anyone other than your fi, you will look petty, childish and passive aggressive.

And it sounds like you have more issues with this woman than just the invite.

 

charcoalandblush

I know it's technically an etiquette faux pas, but it probably wouldn't bother me personally unless they were very close friends of mine. I know this isn't an excuse at all (and we obviously won't be doing this for our invites), but I have a fairly hard-to-spell name, and I'd rather be "and guest" than have my name misspelled.

banana468

Unless they actually TREAT you like you're someone random and not his life partner I would roll my eyes and then move on.

It's rude of course, but some people just don't understand how to address an envelope.   Some are honestly clueless and others *think* they know what they're doing but what they're doing is beyond wrong.   Example: MIL thought that it was perfectly correct to put and guest on the envelope even if someone has a BF/GF - NO!   But I'm not going to correct her if she does it to me - only if she's going to tell me HOW to do it.  

PrettyGirlLost

nicolemarie1985 said:

Thanks, Ladies. Sometimes I can't figure out what I would normally even do because of the emotional roller coaster that is wedding planning

I agree that I'm being dramatic, but I just need some perspective because I can't help myself from feeling annoyed and making small comments about it when it comes up.

 It's more because one of his friends in question I met more than once, and even had a lengthy discussion ABOUT our weddings with (since hers is 2 weeks prior to ours). I haven't spent enough time with her to have anything but passing pleasantries, so I know I didn't do anything to offend her. Plus, they dated briefly in HS and I keep having to hear how sweet she his from his mother and all because she knows his family. I really just want to scream. It's not a jealousy feeling, I'm more upset that she did this blatantly and, in my opinion, purposely and that my FI doesn't say a word and still wants to go.

The other friend I am definitely being ridiculous with, because I think it's just residual annoyance from the other situation.

Thanks for keeping me from going full on bride-crazy!

Making comments to your FI or these friends?

If you are close enough to them and it comes up again, you could just be honest and very tactfully tell them that being addressed as "Plus 1" really annoyed you and offended you because as his SO you should have been invited by name.  And then just leave it at that.

It's likely these people are socially inept when it comes to formal invitations and just fucked up out of ignorance/laziness.

bumbletiger88

@nicolemarie1985 if it makes you feel any better, my great aunt sends holiday cards to my aunt and uncle as "Marc and wife." They have been married almost 15 years. 

nicolemarie1985

Ah, sorry I wasn't clear. It's not like I keep bringing it up and making comments about it on purpose. I only make comments to my FI (never anybody else, and I wouldn't do that - which is why I'm venting here) and only when it does come up because obviously, we are in the process of addressing invites and compiling lists. For instance, when I added a few names of his friends to our list I said 'don't forget to give me so and so's wife's name' (never met the couple) which is where I should end the sentence but then I threw in a 'because it's rude not to'.

I don't nag him over it day and night and I probably gave that impression.

nicolemarie1985

...and perspective attained! This made me seriously laugh out loud.

nicolemarie1985

Eh. I assume that when you've had several conversations with a person, including one about each of your weddings, that it would have to be on purpose but that's a narrow way of thinking, I suppose. You could be right. It's also hard to describe all of the things leading up to this that have me feeling like this is a "final straw" type situation (petty as it is) when dealing with this particular group of his friends.

It's just very annoying and a hands down breach of common etiquette. Obviously, nothing will come of it other than some venting from me on here. 

PrettyGirlLost

nicolemarie1985 said:

Eh. I assume that when you've had several conversations with a person, including one about each of your weddings, that it would have to be on purpose but that's a narrow way of thinking, I suppose. You could be right. It's also hard to describe all of the things leading up to this that have me feeling like this is a "final straw" type situation (petty as it is) when dealing with this particular group of his friends.

It's just very annoying and a hands down breach of common etiquette. Obviously, nothing will come of it other than some venting from me on here. 

Here's the thing, though.  Most people, from my experience in life and on these boards, have no fucking clue what the actual correct etiquette is with regards to writing wedding invitations.  So it's more likely these people just screwed up out of ignorance.  A lot of people don't understand there's a difference between a Plus One and an SO.

nicolemarie1985

Absolutely right. I just feel better getting it off my chest.

blushingbride8888

So annoying but as other PPs have said not worth throwing away a friendship over. People are clearly too lazy to find out the spelling of your last name or simply writing it on the envelope. To me it's tacky and on them not you. Just know that you're doing the right thing.