Emily Post book..What is happening to this world?

aliwis000

So I had always tried to do the right thing etiquette wise. I am sure in my past I have made some mistakes out of ignorance and I accept that. However, I always knew I wanted to reduce the chance of making mistakes in the activities surrounding my wedding. How does one do this? By obtaining knowledge. So, when I said “Yes” to my FI I went out and started learning.

One avenue to knowledge included purchasing a wedding etiquette book. Little did I know the ridiculousness’ and horror I would find.

I wanted to share with everyone as perhaps it will help answer the question we all ask on these boards every day. “Where do brides get the idea that this is ok?!?!?” The answer may scare you, it could be from resources that, in the past, were considered trusted and respectable.

As noted I purchased a book. My particular copy is “Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette 6th Edition” By Anna Post and Lizzie Post (relatives of Emily Post).

Turning to almost any page in the book shows us that we are fighting an uphill battle when it comes to educating ourselves and others on proper etiquette.

Some of my favorites include:

 “Guests invited to a wedding ceremony, whether or not they can attend, should send or bring a gift.”

“A wedding gift is a social obligation, but the choice of the fit is based on the giver’s affection for and relationship to the couple and their families and on their personal budget.”

Heck the title of one of the sections is “Is a wedding gift expected?” The answer? “Yes. Following long established tradition, everyone who receives a wedding invitation should send a gift – whether they attend the wedding or not.”

And yes they even address the honeymoon/financial registries:

“Check with your bank or investment house about financial gifts, some now hat registries for savings accounts, stocks, bonds, and other investments.”

“Now available through many travel companies and agents these registries allow guests to contribute to a couple’s honeymoon-trip fund.”

Now to be fair they do not explicitly say financial/honeymoon registries are ok, but not addressing that it is wrong is the same thing in my book.

I could go on for days with this thing. What ticks me off the most is we always say do not trust TheKnot or the like because they are out to make money and do not always promote good ideas. However, this book is an ETIQUETTE BOOK, you are paying for something which is supposed to TELL you what is RIGHT and what is WRONG.

Anyone else losing faith in humanity?

thisismynickname2

I feel you. My sister bequeathed me a book called something like, "The Anti-Bride's Guide to Etiquette." It is HORRIBLE. You can be an alternative bride without pissing off your loved ones....

banana468

Well, the honeymoon registry is flat out wrong and bad but I don't disagree with the comments above.   If you're invited to a wedding then you ARE obligated to give a gift.   I'll stipulate that if you're close enough to actually attend and you're not being milked for a gift, then you should give one.  

Ex: When DH's cousin got married in Texas, we didn't attend the wedding but of course we sent a gift.   When good friends got married in Bogota, we didn't attend but of course we sent a gift.   

Now if my 2nd cousin who I haven't seen in over 10 years invites me to his wedding across the country and I decline, I'm going to feel like he invited me because he wants a gift and not because he wants me to attend, KWIM?

And I actually like this quote:

“A wedding gift is a social obligation, but the choice of the fit is based on the giver’s affection for and relationship to the couple and their families and on their personal budget.” 

It tells me that the "cover your plate" rule is a load of crap and that you give based on your affection and budget - not based on the cost of the wedding. 

Kahlyla

For me, it's Miss Manners or bust.

photokitty

I believe it is proper and expected to give a wedding gift, even though you should not expect to receive them. When I was fresh out of college and could not afford to send a wedding gift I felt guilty about it. The thing is it can still be proper and polite to send a gift, without the couple expecting the gift. It's the difference between host and guest etiquette. Sort of like, it is proper to take a hostess gift to a house party, but not proper for the hostess to expect such gifts.

I abhor honeymoon registries. However if it is through the travel agent, there are no fees and the couple ACTUALLY gets the excursion and ACTUALLY goes on it - I'd ket it slide. But that's a lot of "Ifs" to fall into place and I don't rust it to happen. registering for stocks and bonds is gross. 

ohannabelle

The very definition of "gift" is that it is something "voluntarily given." 

A gift can't be an obligation. It completely contradicts the meaning of the word.  

I choose to give gifts because I want to. If I feel obligated, I'm declining the invitation, because I obviously don't care that much about the couple. 

huskypuppy14

aliwis000 said:

So I had always tried to do the right thing etiquette wise. I am sure in my past I have made some mistakes out of ignorance and I accept that. However, I always knew I wanted to reduce the chance of making mistakes in the activities surrounding my wedding. How does one do this? By obtaining knowledge. So, when I said “Yes” to my FI I went out and started learning.

One avenue to knowledge included purchasing a wedding etiquette book. Little did I know the ridiculousness’ and horror I would find.

I wanted to share with everyone as perhaps it will help answer the question we all ask on these boards every day. “Where do brides get the idea that this is ok?!?!?” The answer may scare you, it could be from resources that, in the past, were considered trusted and respectable.

As noted I purchased a book. My particular copy is “Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette 6th Edition” By Anna Post and Lizzie Post (relatives of Emily Post).

Turning to almost any page in the book shows us that we are fighting an uphill battle when it comes to educating ourselves and others on proper etiquette.

Some of my favorites include:

 “Guests invited to a wedding ceremony, whether or not they can attend, should send or bring a gift.”

“A wedding gift is a social obligation, but the choice of the fit is based on the giver’s affection for and relationship to the couple and their families and on their personal budget.”

Heck the title of one of the sections is “Is a wedding gift expected?” The answer? “Yes. Following long established tradition, everyone who receives a wedding invitation should send a gift – whether they attend the wedding or not.”

And yes they even address the honeymoon/financial registries:

“Check with your bank or investment house about financial gifts, some now hat registries for savings accounts, stocks, bonds, and other investments.”

“Now available through many travel companies and agents these registries allow guests to contribute to a couple’s honeymoon-trip fund.”

Now to be fair they do not explicitly say financial/honeymoon registries are ok, but not addressing that it is wrong is the same thing in my book.

I could go on for days with this thing. What ticks me off the most is we always say do not trust TheKnot or the like because they are out to make money and do not always promote good ideas. However, this book is an ETIQUETTE BOOK, you are paying for something which is supposed to TELL you what is RIGHT and what is WRONG.

Anyone else losing faith in humanity?

Emily Post is probably rolling in her grave at what her family has done to her good name. The Post institute is just making money of Emily's name. Anna cannot be trusted (I don't know anything about Lizzie). 

I agree with Annabelle about gifts. Though I would never attend a wedding without giving something, I don't think an invitation=gift.

downtondiva

Among people I know, including my family, I believe it is customary to send a gift whether attending the wedding or not. I would probably do the same thing, unless, like @banana468 said, I thought I was being invited strictly for the purpose of getting more gifts, in which case I would not attend and would not give a gift. I don't know if there can really be a "one size fits all" rule when it comes to wedding gifts. Like everything else with a wedding, a lot depends on how close you are with someone, what your budget is, and so forth.

I will not even dignify the honeymoon registry thing with a response.

yogablossom

Here's an example of gift giving that happened to me recently that has to do with “A wedding gift is a social obligation, but the choice of the fit is
based on the giver’s affection for and relationship to the couple and
their families and on their personal budget.”

I certainly do not expect gifts for my wedding. I just had my bridal shower last weekend and one of my dear college friends did something that I thought was totally sweet! She has been having a lot of financial issues and I did not expect her to even be at the shower (it was a surprise shower, but she lives a state away and money is very tight).  She got a ride with our other friend and together they drove up. To me, that was the biggest surprise of the shower.  She wrote me a very heartfelt card and gave me some beautiful flowers.  To me, that was such a nice gift because it came from the heart. She didn't have to give me anything--just her being there was enough. She said it was all she could afford, and I just thought that was the sweetest thing because in my eyes, she didn't have to bring anything at all. 

banana468

I feel like the writing of "a wedding gift is a social obligation" is writing to clue people in on what they're supposed to do in case they're honestly devoid of etiquette knowledge.   We see people on here all the time who aren't addressed correctly or who try to dictate attire.   In this case, the Post Institute is telling guests that if you're attending a wedding then yes, give a gift.   And if you would have gone to the wedding but can't, yes you're supposed to give a gift.   If you're one of 450 invited guests and you didn't even know that the couple existed, you're probably invited just to give a gift - and in that case, don't!

amelisha

I feel like the writing of "a wedding gift is a social obligation" is writing to clue people in on what they're supposed to do in case they're honestly devoid of etiquette knowledge.   We see people on here all the time who aren't addressed correctly or who try to dictate attire.   In this case, the Post Institute is telling guests that if you're attending a wedding then yes, give a gift.   And if you would have gone to the wedding but can't, yes you're supposed to give a gift.   If you're one of 450 invited guests and you didn't even know that the couple existed, you're probably invited just to give a gift - and in that case, don't!

This. It's aimed at wedding guests to say that yes, gifts are traditionally given for weddings.

It's not meant to be ammunition for the bride and groom to think that people owe them gifts because gifts should NEVER EVER be expected for any reason, in my opinion.