wtf.

hmonkey

Dear Amy: "Mourning Mom" had a baby and a husband who insisted he didn't want another. Our son-in-law had a crazy notion like this too. Our very wise daughter waited a bit and one day said, "I think Jack (our grandson) needs a sibling."

It opened up a new line of thinking, and we now have three grandchildren.

— Happy Gran

hmonkey

this line of thinking is exactly why we didn't have another child.

VarunaTT

Now that I think about this, I was asked by an acquaintance re: my experience as an only child.  They were debating about having a 2nd and they were asking a lot of "onlys" about their thoughts on being an only child.

They asked an 18 year old only, me (34-35 at the time) and another only who was in her late 50s that I know of.  It was interesting to see the similarities and differences between our answers about being onlys.

They did end up having a 2nd one, though I don't know how the decision was arrived at.

Heffalump

Y'all, I swear I am mentally addled or something.  "Crazy" son-in-law?  "Wise" daughter?  One day she announces Kid 1 needs a sibling, and this opens up a new line of thinking?  Did the husband not realize that Kid 2 would be Kid 1's sibling until his wife mentioned it?  Because that doesn't seem like a new line of thinking, it seems like baseline knowledge.

Also, whenever I said "Wooz needs a sibling" it didn't mean I was looking to get KU, it was shorthand for "This kid is suffocating me right now with her constant demands that I be King Triton to her Ariel, make it stop."

And Happy Gran needs to STFU and MYOB.  Get one of those creepy doll babies if necessary.
 

AuntFlo

VarunaTT said:

Now that I think about this, I was asked by an acquaintance re: my experience as an only child.  They were debating about having a 2nd and they were asking a lot of "onlys" about their thoughts on being an only child.

They asked an 18 year old only, me (34-35 at the time) and another only who was in her late 50s that I know of.  It was interesting to see the similarities and differences between our answers about being onlys.

They did end up having a 2nd one, though I don't know how the decision was arrived at.

I've asked for only child feedback on here and FB.  I was feeling some guilt about DD being an only and needed someone to tell me it was OK that she was.  I mean, I'm not sure that it factored into any decision making, but I wanted to take in as much info as possible.

hmonkey

hmonkey said:

 "I think Jack (our grandson) needs a sibling."

"jack needs a sibling" is why we decided to stay with the one kid. if we ever talked about a second kid, it was only in the context of "it would be nice if baby mo had a sibling." we never talked about the kid by itself, as in "i would like a second child."

if the child wasn't wanted in and of itself, it was not happening.

mrsconn23

hmonkey said:

hmonkey said:

 "I think Jack (our grandson) needs a sibling."

"jack needs a sibling" is why we decided to stay with the one kid. if we ever talked about a second kid, it was only in the context of "it would be nice if baby mo had a sibling." we never talked about the kid by itself, as in "i would like a second child."

if the child wasn't wanted in and of itself, it was not happening.

Yes.  We never thought, "The kiddo needs a sibling."  We wanted DefConn.  We talk about having another baby in vein of, "We want another baby.", not "DefConn needs a sibling closer in age/a playmate."

Since my sister is pregnant and SIL *might* be pregnant (via IUI), we have talked a little more about #3 and his/her cousins being close in age, BUT we're not ready for another kid...mainly financially, but also DH's work schedule makes it hard to want #3, knowing how much already falls to me with regard to the house/kids.

AuntFlo

I really want a baby to snuggle but it is not coming from this body.  I'm sad that none of my siblings, step-siblings and cousins are having any more babies.  I might need to get myself one of those creepy dolls.

NOLABridesmaid

Ha. This is why I'm here. My parents thought my older sister looked so lonely. I guess it worked out since I am the favorite.:)

6fsn

My brother got 2 siblings because my mom wanted to be a "good" Catholic.  After she dumped that I came 5 years later.

I do not miss baby snuggles.  The inevitably end in baby body fluids of some sort.

NOLABridesmaid

I wish someone would ring my door bell and hand me a cute brown baby. You know, not one that loves the weed and hot cheetos, but one that eat her fruits and vegetables and looking for a good home for her baby.

Should I put a sign on my lawn?

Bubblegum5586

VarunaTT said:

VarunaTT Now that I think about this, I was asked by an acquaintance re: my experience as an only child.  They were debating about having a 2nd and they were asking a lot of "onlys" about their thoughts on being an only child.

VarunaTT said:

They asked an 18 year old only, me (34-35 at the time) and another only who was in her late 50s that I know of.  It was interesting to see the similarities and differences between our answers about being onlys.

They did end up having a 2nd one, though I don't know how the decision was arrived at.

What were the responses? I was an only for 8 years before my sister was born and I always tell people how grateful I am that I have a sister! I did not like being an only!

VarunaTT

The 18 year old loved it b/c they compared it to a lot of their peers who had to share rooms/cars etc.  She had told them she did get lonely as a kid sometimes, but they always had a lot of friends from school over.

For me and the older lady, both of us wished for siblings, for different reasons.  It was hard when I started getting older and having weddings/babies/after school life changes and siblings were involved in those things in a way I couldn't be.  Plus, people tend to keep in touch with their families, more so than friends and I found myself lonely sometimes as an adult.  It's different than in school where you have access to 1000+ people generally in your peer group.

For the older lady, her parents were at the age where they were requiring more care and the responsibility fell mainly on her shoulders.  Also, once her parents were gone, there wasn't anyone left that will have known her or her story since she was small, which she found difficult.  Then she and I got to talking (we worked together) and since I don't want children, I'm not going to see a reflection of my own face in anyone anymore, which is lonely.

Granted, all of our comments/thoughts also take into account a somewhat nuclear family that is trying to stay together.  I know of at least one half brother out there and I'm sure my father probably had more, but they don't really fit the bill of "sibling".

thejucheidea

I'd be fine without my sibling. She doesn't really like... help with anything. She does bone a lot of things up though.

PMeg819

Eh, I'm not super close to my sister. But what Varuna said does make me happy I have her- it freaks me out a bit to know my parents are aging and there will be a time they'll need help.

As for my kids, we had another in part because of DS. I don't know any other way to describe it, but he is the kind of kid that needed a sibling. And also, we're gluttons for punishment. DS was super easy as a baby (still is), and we decided to tempt fate. DD is a handful, but the two of them are awesome together.

Heffalump

DH and I joked that they will have each other to complain about us to when we get old.  But there is definitely a kernel of truth in there.  That wouldn't be reason enough to have a second, but it's a nice side effect.

ETA:  uh, when we get old, not them.  Words are hard, so very hard.

*Barbie*

My sister and I aren't close, so i'm pretty indifferent to the whole sibling thing. (when she was born, i cried because i wanted a brother. i was 2.)

 It's nice for my parents since she still lives locally,so if they ever needed help, she'd be around. (She's over there a few times a month moooching dinner, anyways.)

As my first pregnancy was  awful, and birth experience worse, I'm pretty dead set against repeating it - especially with the increased preeclampsia risk with subsequent pregnancies. (Risk to me, and risk to the baby.) I'm also thinking 5+ years apart would be a pretty big difference, and I really don't want to repeat all of the baby stuff again - especially if another kid wasn't as "easy" as Wolverine. DK wants another, but I told him I wouldn't even consider it unless he was willing to get snipped afterwards. (I'm not chancing him pushing for #3 if we'd have another girl.) He's not keen on the vasectomy idea, so we're at an impasse. 

hmonkey

i figure it would be easier for an only child as parents get older -- no drama about "i don't want to put mom in a home!" no arguments, you are the decider.

VarunaTT

I think that kinda depends on the family, HMo.  

It's a lot harder dealing with an aging adult than some people realize.  GG (my great grandmother) really struggled, but desperately wanted to stay an independent adult.  My mother finally just told her she was moving into assisted living and managed to strong arm her into it.  (Please note: my mother is 1 of 4, 1 sibling has passed, 1 sibling is fully estranged, and the other sibling lived so far away that my mother said, "Either she goes into assisted living or you're coming to get her.  Not coming to get her?  Then shut the hell up). Mom then struggled with feelings of not seeing GG often enough b/c she would go 2-3x/week to the home while also balancing her own life.  Mom didn't want me to go see GG either.  GG usually thought I was her sister (she was in full blown Alzheimer's when she passed) and that really bothered Mom.

Then you have DH's mother, who refused to let her mother go into assisted living (other 2 siblings wanted her in assisted living).  His grandmother's health declined rapidly before MIL realized that just b/c she was a nurse in a previous life aka before her 3 children, didn't mean providing 24/7 care in-home to another adult, as well as taking care of MIL's own life, was going to be possible.

Getting older is a helluva thing, really.  I think it's hard not matter how much support you or your family has.

VarunaTT

What I meant to add was, Mom always thought it'd be easier if sister lived closer, b/c if they were BOTH seeing her 2-3x/week, she was being check on, visited, and cared for better.  MIL didn't want her siblings involved b/c she felt like she was "saving" her mother.  I'm not sure how the situation is now that she's in the assisted living.  

DixieNormous330

We had a lot of back and forth about having a second. And a lot of discussion was about how we wanted a second child for him/herself but also how this second child will benefit PF. It wasn't an easy decision to make because we didn't want the pressure put on this kid for his/her sister's disabilities and care. I'm still in knots over this.

NOLABridesmaid

I agree with V,. I think about my grandmother. She has nine kids and when she got to the point where she couldn't live by herself, she was able to live with three different kids over the course of her illness. It was a lot to take on, and my aunts would get burned out over time. It was nice when life situations  arose, there were always other resources for my grandmother. It does get tricky when 9 opinions come into play, but usually the most opposed person is the one that isn't going to step up anyway, so it doesn't matter.

Dixie, I have seen beautiful relationships between special needs students and their siblings. Yes, there is pressure and sometimes it can bring challenges for the sibling, but it can also be so positive and loving too. Everything works out in the end.:)