Moms and Maids

Increasingly frustrated with upcoming bachelorette party

I don't know how much of this is going to be rant and how much is actually looking for a solution so bear with me. I'm in the bridal party for a wedding that is becoming increasingly cost prohibitive. It's destination with a pricey bridesmaid dress (which no one was consulted on re: budget). Most recently the bachelorette party is becoming a nightmare. The maid of honor never asked for budgets either which started off as fine because the initial invitation seemed manageable. It was originally dinner and drinks. Now, as we get closer to the date (and everyone has already RSVP'd), she's started adding things to the day like a cooking class, a photo shoot, and most recently a bridal bootcamp. I have no idea how much any of these things cost but she's graciously offered to invoice the guests after the event. I don't know any of the other guests and MOH has been fairly rude to me when I email her questions about the event. The only person I actually know is the bride and it's a surprise party so she has no idea what's going on. I've already bailed from the bootcamp but I'm starting to think I need to get out of this entirely. The reality is it's just not affordable, particularly when paired with all the other expenses involved in this wedding. I would bring this up with the host but the event is so close and she keeps adding things. I'm thinking of pulling out of the bachelorette entirely but I don't want to hurt my friend or get into a fight with MOH leading up to the big day. Any advice?
Just Married!

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Re: Increasingly frustrated with upcoming bachelorette party

  • Noooooooooo a Bridal Bootcamp?? What does that mean? No one is forcing me to pay to exercise with a bunch of girls I barely know. NO ONE. And it's a surprise party?? I would decline this whole thing, it sounds terrible. I wouldn't care about offending the MOH, who also sounds terrible.


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  • What the hell is a Bridal Bootcamp? It sounds awful.

    The MOH is being incredibly rude to you and the rest of the bridal party by not consulting you on budgets regarding the bachelorette party. Have you reached out to the other members of the bridal party for their opinions on the situation? They may feel the same way you do, and if so, you all need to speak up about the event being outside of your budgets.

    No one is allowed to tell you how to spend your money. If the MOH refuses to budge, then you need to speak up, "Sorry, but I'm only able to attend the original plans of dinner and drinks."
                                     Wedding Countdown Ticker

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  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    You lost me at photo shoot.  Please tell us why there needs to be a photo shoot at a bachelorette party.  Hopefully it's not this:


    Sorry you have to deal with this.  There is always one in a wedding party that likes to dream big and spend other people's money.  Stand your ground and don't participate.
    spglsp
  • I would definitely be backing out: "Sorry, MOH, but I originally agreed to dinner and drinks, and all of the other events you've added on are completely outside my budget, so I will not be able to attend any of them. Please let me know when/where the dinner and drinks portion of the night will take place, and I will join you there."
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    MairePoppyOliveOilsMom[Deleted User]CaitFins
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I'll bet this bp is going to have a lot of last minute declines. Just tell the MOH you'll be attending the dinner and drinks and you can't afford to contribute to the rest of that nonsense.
                       
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I would just tell the MOH that you will only be able to attend and contribute to the dinner and drinks portion of the party.  Easy peasy.  If the MOH throws a fit just tell her that you are sorry but the last minute add-ons are just not doable for you so you will not be partaking in those activities.

    And on a side note, the MOH is planning a day worth of a bridal boot camp, a cooking class, a photo shoot, dinner and drinks?  Jesus, that makes me tired just thinking about doing all of that in one day.  I would be over it after the bridal boot camp.

    OliveOilsMomMairePoppyHeffalump
  • Email to the host/MOH with a CC to everyone else and the bride:

    "Hi so-and-so,

    I'm sorry, but I can't afford the extras that are being added. I could definitely swing traveling to the party, the hotel (if you're staying in one), and dinner and drinks - all that sounds really fun! But I just can't afford the photo shoot, exercise class, cooking class, and (insert other stuff she's adding).

    spglsp"

    Decide if you want to attend the party knowing you won't be attending the "extras". If you don't. Include a line in the email that you're "very sorry but you have to decline due to financial reasons." And it's a statement, not a question, so don't let anyone try to change your mind.
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    MairePoppy[Deleted User]
  • Email to the host/MOH with a CC to everyone else and the bride:


    "Hi so-and-so,

    I'm sorry, but I can't afford the extras that are being added. I could definitely swing traveling to the party, the hotel (if you're staying in one), and dinner and drinks - all that sounds really fun! But I just can't afford the photo shoot, exercise class, cooking class, and (insert other stuff she's adding).

    spglsp"

    Decide if you want to attend the party knowing you won't be attending the "extras". If you don't. Include a line in the email that you're "very sorry but you have to decline due to financial reasons." And it's a statement, not a question, so don't let anyone try to change your mind.
    I agree.  I know you said it's supposed to be a surprise for the bride, but I might still include her in this nonsense.  If she doesn't know what all is going on, she can't put the kabosh on it.  "Hey bride, I was looking forward to spending time with you at your bachelorette party, but your MOH has added quite a few activities and expenses to the day that has taken it above what I can commit to, both time-wise and finance-wise.  I hope you have fun with the rest of the girls, sorry I won't be there."  You haven't ruined the Surprise, but you have given her an idea that there's some serious shit going down.  Then bride can go to her MOH and say, "wtf?"  
    Blackbird230
  • Yeah, I'd do exactly what you did and NEVER email the bride.  My shower & bach parties were both surprises, and I'd have been FURIOUS at anyone who ruined the surprise for me.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
    huskypuppy14
  • LD1970 said:

    Yeah, I'd do exactly what you did and NEVER email the bride.  My shower & bach parties were both surprises, and I'd have been FURIOUS at anyone who ruined the surprise for me.

    Furious? I hope that's hyperbole.

    I would be upset if my nearest and dearest had to miss a fun time because it was too jam packed with expensive activities. I would be upset they came but felt uncomfortable with the amount of money they "had" to spend. I would be upset with whoever is planning this "for me" if it meant either one of these scenarios.

    BM's should be your friends, act like it.


    southernbelle0915Ambibery[Deleted User]
  • I just have to ask: what the hell is a bridal bootcamp?
  • lnixon8 said:

    LD1970 said:

    Yeah, I'd do exactly what you did and NEVER email the bride.  My shower & bach parties were both surprises, and I'd have been FURIOUS at anyone who ruined the surprise for me.

    Furious? I hope that's hyperbole.

    I would be upset if my nearest and dearest had to miss a fun time because it was too jam packed with expensive activities. I would be upset they came but felt uncomfortable with the amount of money they "had" to spend. I would be upset with whoever is planning this "for me" if it meant either one of these scenarios.

    BM's should be your friends, act like it.
    No, actually, it's not.  

    I come from a perspective where my sister/MOH and bridesmaids/friends wouldn't (and didn't) spring things on people last minute because they're not rude or presumptuous like that.  That doesn't mean there was NO expense, or date conflicts, or whatever, and not all of my friends were able to be at my bach party.  I was ok with that.  I had a smallish party that was one of the most fun times ever, and those of us who were there had a blast.  I wouldn't have asked for anything different.

    But.  But, it was a surprise.  Where I come from, bach parties and showers and things are surprises (bach party I knew the date, but no idea what we were doing, shower I didn't even know the date).  I love surprises.  My sister & friends planned surprises for me, and they did it brilliantly and well.  Had anyone chosen to ruin the surprise, for them AND for me, yeah, I'd have been furious.  Straight up furious.

    Also, brides are told all the time here when there's infighting in the bridal party to stay the hell out of it, that the bridesmaids are adults and perfectly capable of working out their own problems... and that the bridesmaids are wrong for involving them.  So no, she shouldn't be copied on the email. 
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  • I just have to ask: what the hell is a bridal bootcamp?

    I'm skipping that part but from what I understand, they've hired a personal trainer to do a private session with the ladies. Drills, laps, calisthenics, that sort of thing. It's supposed to get you "wedding ready."
    Just Married!

    image
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    spglsp said:

    I just have to ask: what the hell is a bridal bootcamp?

    I'm skipping that part but from what I understand, they've hired a personal trainer to do a private session with the ladies. Drills, laps, calisthenics, that sort of thing. It's supposed to get you "wedding ready."
    This MOH is crazy.  Yeah, one one-hour workout session will so get you in wedding ready shape (major eye-roll).  How presumptuous of the MOH to basically say that everyone needs to get in shape because they are so not "wedding ready."  This MOH needs to back the hell away from Pinterest and wedding related tv shows/movies.

    OliveOilsMom
  • spglsp said:

    I just have to ask: what the hell is a bridal bootcamp?

    I'm skipping that part but from what I understand, they've hired a personal trainer to do a private session with the ladies. Drills, laps, calisthenics, that sort of thing. It's supposed to get you "wedding ready."
    Jesus. I'm so glad that the bridezilla that I was a bridesmaid for last summer didn't have this idea.
  • edited June 2015
  • LD1970 said:

    lnixon8 said:

    LD1970 said:

    Yeah, I'd do exactly what you did and NEVER email the bride.  My shower & bach parties were both surprises, and I'd have been FURIOUS at anyone who ruined the surprise for me.

    Furious? I hope that's hyperbole.

    I would be upset if my nearest and dearest had to miss a fun time because it was too jam packed with expensive activities. I would be upset they came but felt uncomfortable with the amount of money they "had" to spend. I would be upset with whoever is planning this "for me" if it meant either one of these scenarios.

    BM's should be your friends, act like it.
    No, actually, it's not.  

    I come from a perspective where my sister/MOH and bridesmaids/friends wouldn't (and didn't) spring things on people last minute because they're not rude or presumptuous like that.  That doesn't mean there was NO expense, or date conflicts, or whatever, and not all of my friends were able to be at my bach party.  I was ok with that.  I had a smallish party that was one of the most fun times ever, and those of us who were there had a blast.  I wouldn't have asked for anything different.

    But.  But, it was a surprise.  Where I come from, bach parties and showers and things are surprises (bach party I knew the date, but no idea what we were doing, shower I didn't even know the date).  I love surprises.  My sister & friends planned surprises for me, and they did it brilliantly and well.  Had anyone chosen to ruin the surprise, for them AND for me, yeah, I'd have been furious.  Straight up furious.

    Also, brides are told all the time here when there's infighting in the bridal party to stay the hell out of it, that the bridesmaids are adults and perfectly capable of working out their own problems... and that the bridesmaids are wrong for involving them.  So no, she shouldn't be copied on the email. 
    Everyone is different. I absolutely hate surprises like those. I never want a surprise party. I like knowing plans and what is coming up. Even my Christmas presents from my husband this year were not a surprise. It didn't bother me at all to know. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    LD1970 said:

    lnixon8 said:

    LD1970 said:

    Yeah, I'd do exactly what you did and NEVER email the bride.  My shower & bach parties were both surprises, and I'd have been FURIOUS at anyone who ruined the surprise for me.

    Furious? I hope that's hyperbole.

    I would be upset if my nearest and dearest had to miss a fun time because it was too jam packed with expensive activities. I would be upset they came but felt uncomfortable with the amount of money they "had" to spend. I would be upset with whoever is planning this "for me" if it meant either one of these scenarios.

    BM's should be your friends, act like it.
    No, actually, it's not.  

    I come from a perspective where my sister/MOH and bridesmaids/friends wouldn't (and didn't) spring things on people last minute because they're not rude or presumptuous like that.  That doesn't mean there was NO expense, or date conflicts, or whatever, and not all of my friends were able to be at my bach party.  I was ok with that.  I had a smallish party that was one of the most fun times ever, and those of us who were there had a blast.  I wouldn't have asked for anything different.

    But.  But, it was a surprise.  Where I come from, bach parties and showers and things are surprises (bach party I knew the date, but no idea what we were doing, shower I didn't even know the date).  I love surprises.  My sister & friends planned surprises for me, and they did it brilliantly and well.  Had anyone chosen to ruin the surprise, for them AND for me, yeah, I'd have been furious.  Straight up furious.

    Also, brides are told all the time here when there's infighting in the bridal party to stay the hell out of it, that the bridesmaids are adults and perfectly capable of working out their own problems... and that the bridesmaids are wrong for involving them.  So no, she shouldn't be copied on the email. 
    I disagree. I don't like being "surprised" with manipulation and secrets and would not appreciate attempts to do this to me, regardless of the intentions of the "surprisers." And I'd rather know if someone was pressuring someone else to do something they couldn't afford or handle "on my behalf" as part of whatever they're planning.

    Not taking an active part in the planning is one thing, but I won't stand for people bullying each other to plan things ostensibly for me. These are people I asked to be in my wedding party to honor them, not to be bullied. If that means no "surprises," then so be it. I also refuse to be accused of "overinvolvement" in the plans or "impropriety" if I have to step in to stop the bullying, because clearly the bullies are not capable of acting like adults. Whether the bullied are acting like adults or not in not being able to put a stop to it themselves, although I won't otherwise involve myself in the plans, I would still step in to stop bullying.
    MollyandD
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