Wedding Etiquette Forum

XP: Bridal Shower Help!

groomguy87groomguy87 member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
edited March 2015 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi,

I am a groom posting on the site, hope this is okay :)

My Fiancee and I are getting married in May and I just had to share this story about her bridal shower and would love to hear some other people's thoughts.

Originally, the bridal shower was going to be at the beginning of March but in the early planning stages the MOH and Fiancee's mom realized that date would not work.  At this point only the bridal party and both moms knew of the event so changing the date wasn't a big deal.  It was moved to April 11th.  Only problem is...MOH did not tell my mom the new date!  We found this out because we went out to dinner with my parents tonight and Fiancee mentioned the shower (she found out about it because one of the bridesmaids let it slip by mistake) and my mom did a double take.  Turns out, she is going to be out of town at a conference that day for her work!  Fiancee is pretty steamed (her and my mom are very close so obviously she wants her to be there) and I'm not exactly thrilled either.

We talked to the MOH tonight and after the profuse apologies she decided to talk to the other bridal party and fiancee's mom about possibly rescheduling it to another weekend to accomodate my mom. Thankfully it's being hosted at Fiancee's mom's house so no rental deposits or anything, but Fiancee's mom is pretty resistent to moving the date again.  MOH said invitations only went out a couple days ago so there havent been any RSVP's yet.

Also, I found out that MOH decided that to "keep it small" she didn't invite any of my 3 Aunts who live in the relative area, and only was planning to invite my mom and one cousin who has never even met the Fiancee.  I'm personally a little bothered by this because my Aunts had mentioned the event in the past and were looking forward to coming.

So what do you guys think?  Is it fair to move the shower date to a day that my mom can attend?  Or is it just one of those "too bad, so sad" kind of things that we'll just have to deal with?

Re: XP: Bridal Shower Help!

  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited March 2015

    Hi,


    I am a groom posting on the site, hope this is okay :)

    My Fiancee and I are getting married in May and I just had to share this story about her bridal shower and would love to hear some other people's thoughts.

    Originally, the bridal shower was going to be at the beginning of March but in the early planning stages the MOH and Fiancee's mom realized that date would not work.  At this point only the bridal party and both moms knew of the event so changing the date wasn't a big deal.  It was moved to April 11th.  Only problem is...MOH did not tell my mom the new date!  We found this out because we went out to dinner with my parents tonight and Fiancee mentioned the shower (she found out about it because one of the bridesmaids let it slip by mistake) and my mom did a double take.  Turns out, she is going to be out of town at a conference that day for her work!  Fiancee is pretty steamed (her and my mom are very close so obviously she wants her to be there) and I'm not exactly thrilled either.

    We talked to the MOH tonight and after the profuse apologies she decided to talk to the other bridal party and fiancee's mom about possibly rescheduling it to another weekend to accomodate my mom. Thankfully it's being hosted at Fiancee's mom's house so no rental deposits or anything, but Fiancee's mom is pretty resistent to moving the date again.  MOH said invitations only went out a couple days ago so there havent been any RSVP's yet.

    Also, I found out that MOH decided that to "keep it small" she didn't invite any of my 3 Aunts who live in the relative area, and only was planning to invite my mom and one cousin who has never even met the Fiancee.  I'm personally a little bothered by this because my Aunts had mentioned the event in the past and were looking forward to coming.

    So what do you guys think?  Is it fair to move the shower date to a day that my mom can attend?  Or is it just one of those "too bad, so sad" kind of things that we'll just have to deal with?
    Firstly, of course it is OK to post on here. We don't care about sex/gender/orientations/types of relationship as long as you follow etiquette by hosting guests properly!

    Ok, so now to your question: it just seems like this was a silly mistake on everyone's part. This MOH should have obviously checked with the VIPs and also checked the invite list. Yes, she dropped the ball there by not checking with your Mum. However, MOH is the hostess and she can choose to whom to send invitations so your aunts not being invited is not an issue. 

    If invitations are already out, I would most likely just leave it, especially as this doesn't really concern you. You are not the hostess, guest of honour, nor are you a guest at this party so you really have no business here. Bringing up any of this just seems a bit like creating more drama and stiring the pot a bit.

    At the end of the day, I really don't understand why people make showers out to be such a big deal. It is 2 hours of watching someone open gifts. It isn't like these people aren't invited to the wedding. Also, just because its at your FMIL's house doesn't mean changing the date isn't a big deal: you are talking reprinting invitations, changing existing plans (food, flowers, whatever) and additionally (and most importantly) wrangling everyone's schedule again! 

    I really think you, your mother and your aunts need to reframe your approach to this as it is just a little shower that isn't that big of a deal. MOH apologised, it didn't work out, it's not a big deal. Everyone should leave it and move on. 

    Why doesn't your fiancee organise to have a nice lunch with your mum and aunts completely separate to this if she thinks it is such a big deal?

  • OP, please put XP in your title if you're going to post across multiple boards as I answered this in the Customs & Traditions board. 
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  • Scheduling parties with lots of VIPs can be like herding cats. I can understand why it would be frustrating to change the date again after finding one that works for the hostess and all of the BMs. It's nice of the MOH to offer to try, though.

    The hostesses are fully within their rights to keep the guest list small if that's what they're comfortable with. Yes, it's a little bit of a bummer that everyone can't come, but it is still very generous of them to host a shower at all.
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  • No one throwing a shower HAS to ask if a certain date works for certain people, so there's no etiquette mistake there. But personally, I would make sure at least the moms, the WP and the bride could go. Everyone else, meh. So etiquette blunder? Nope. Poor planning? Maybe.

    As far as inviting your aunts, they did absolutely nothing wrong here. If they're hosting in someone's home, they're probably limited by space. I mean, think if your mom was throwing a shower and only had a small number of slots. Would she give those slots to her own sisters or to your FMIL's sisters? 

    I've only been to one shower ever where both sides of the family were there. In my experience, someone on the groom's side usually offers to throw their own shower with groom's relatives and friends. Again - totally not "necessary", but that's what usually happens in my circle.
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  • groomguy87groomguy87 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited March 2015
    Thanks all for the replies!

    Yeah, the extended family thing isn't really a big deal.  I was only surprised because about 2 months ago the MOH asked me to send her a list of addresses of anyone in my family who might want to come to the bridal shower so that she could invite them.  So I sent her a list that had my mom, grandmother, 3 aunts, and 2 cousins who are all in reasonable driving distance.  I agree that its up to the MOH to decide, I was just surprised that it went from inviting 8 relatives to inviting 2 (one of whom is a cousin that hasnt even met my fiancee).

    As far as changing the date I have no idea if they actually will or not, I was just wondering if that seemed like a really far-out way to try and fix things.  I mean, if it were the other way around and my FMIL was the one who was gonna be unable to make it I know they would at least try to find a new date.  What will most likely end up happening is my family will end up doing something separate for the fiancee since it will be easier than picking a new date.
  • redoryx said:

    OP, please put XP in your title if you're going to post across multiple boards as I answered this in the Customs & Traditions board. 

    And I commented on the pre-wedding parties board. 

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  • Thanks all for the replies!


    Yeah, the extended family thing isn't really a big deal.  I was only surprised because about 2 months ago the MOH asked me to send her a list of addresses of anyone in my family who might want to come to the bridal shower so that she could invite them.  So I sent her a list that had my mom, grandmother, 3 aunts, and 2 cousins who are all in reasonable driving distance.  I agree that its up to the MOH to decide, I was just surprised that it went from inviting 8 relatives to inviting 2 (one of whom is a cousin that hasnt even met my fiancee).

    As far as changing the date I have no idea if they actually will or not, I was just wondering if that seemed like a really far-out way to try and fix things.  I mean, if it were the other way around and my FMIL was the one who was gonna be unable to make it I know they would at least try to find a new date.  What will most likely end up happening is my family will end up doing something separate for the fiancee since it will be easier than picking a new date.
    What may have changed is the number of people she can afford to host.
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