Awkward Family Situation

[Deleted User]

When my family found out that I was marrying a woman, they did precisely what I expected them to -- turned the other way. Very few of them have been openly hostile, and one or two have been very supportive.

My question is this: should I send them invitations anyway? They're still important to me, but I'm wondering if it would be a waste of paper... or a gesture of peace.

MadHops21

I think sending them an invite (if you actually want them there) is the best option. It shows you being graceful and still accept them as family (if you do) and want them to be present at your wedding. If you don't, it could show you as distancing yourself from them and sends them a strong message that you do not value them as much anymore.

It's really up to you. If you want them there and think they wouldn't show, still send them an invite to show how gracious you are and still accept them as family, even if they disapprove you. If you don't want them there and are ready to distance yourself from them, then don't send an invite. 

If the supportive members were invited, but others weren't, then it could turn worse for you. Even if you know they aren't going to come, invite anyway to show you still find them important. 

huskypuppy14

secondperfection said:

When my family found out that I was marrying a woman, they did precisely what I expected them to -- turned the other way. Very few of them have been openly hostile, and one or two have been very supportive.

My question is this: should I send them invitations anyway? They're still important to me, but I'm wondering if it would be a waste of paper... or a gesture of peace.

If they are important to you, send them an invitation. I probably wouldn't invite the people that were hostile to you, but it's up to you.

Sorry you're going through this. 

AddieCake

If you want them there, invite them. If they don't show, that's on them that they are assholes.

jacques27

secondperfection said:

When my family found out that I was marrying a woman, they did precisely what I expected them to -- turned the other way. Very few of them have been openly hostile, and one or two have been very supportive.

My question is this: should I send them invitations anyway? They're still important to me, but I'm wondering if it would be a waste of paper... or a gesture of peace.

It might be, but is the extra $50 or $100 or $200 on invites going to leave you destitute and living under bridge?  Is saving the money more important to you than showing that you're still willing to engage with them and have a relationship with them?

It's not clear from your post - is you coming to them saying you're marrying a woman the first time they found out about your sexual orientation and/or their first introduction to the person you're marrying?  Because I could see how that would add more fuel to the fire, even if you already knew their general opinions on the subject before and could speculate how they would react.  It stinks that they can't be more accepting of you and your fiancee, but that's not the hand you were dealt unfortunately.  It's possible that more time and more interaction with your fiancee could eventually help them become more comfortable.

Ultimately, if they are important to you and you want a relationship with them and want them there, invite them.  If they don't show, then like addiecake said that's on them.  But excluding them because you think it might be a waste of paper will probably say to them that you are calling it quits on any relationship with them and cause a further rift.

JoanE2012

Invite them.  Don't add more fuel to the fire, so to speak.  

Jen4948

If there's a chance that being the bigger person and inviting them will improve or keep your relationships with these people intact, and that's important to you, then you might as well. But if it looks like there's no chance of that happening, then you might as well save yourself the time and effort.

Unless your wedding is six to eight weeks or less away, I'd give it some time and see if they become more accepting of your relationship before you make any decisions about this.

All the best!

photokitty

My SIL struggled with the same decision, in the end she invited them bc she wanted them there. Some came, some didn't. She's glad she invited them. Only you can decide what is best for you. GL!

[Deleted User]

There actually won't be any added expense on the invitations. Fiancee and I are both writers, and we're doing our invitations on library cards. The whole of it has cost us twenty-five bucks, flat. So cost definitely isn't part of the considerations.

The objection is definitely to my sexual orientation, probably combined with my fiancee's age (she's 8 years younger than I am, ooh la la). While I believe most of the family suspected, I guess it's something entirely different to hear it in the form of a wedding announcement. Many of my relatives have never met my fiancee, and a whopping total of one cousin has asked to meet her. The family is... very strongly religious.

Thank you for the advice!

SP29

I would invite them, which leaves the ball in their court. They will either show up and be supportive or they won't, and then you know where your relationship stands. 

KatieinBkln

secondperfection said:

There actually won't be any added expense on the invitations. Fiancee and I are both writers, and we're doing our invitations on library cards. The whole of it has cost us twenty-five bucks, flat. So cost definitely isn't part of the considerations.

The objection is definitely to my sexual orientation, probably combined with my fiancee's age (she's 8 years younger than I am, ooh la la). While I believe most of the family suspected, I guess it's something entirely different to hear it in the form of a wedding announcement. Many of my relatives have never met my fiancee, and a whopping total of one cousin has asked to meet her. The family is... very strongly religious.

Thank you for the advice!

First, I'm sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve it.

Also, re: the bolded--what a cute idea! I love that.