Bridesmaid dropping out

missmarissa14

I previously posted about this situation in July but unfortunately it got worse since then.

One of my (now ex) bridesmaids who is also my friend of 20 years has caused a lot of pain and stress in my wedding. It started in July when she did not get along with my Fiance's sister. They got into an argument and were both immature about it.

Fast forward to March: the bridesmaids were on a group chat together and the tension between my friend and FI's sister started again. I ended up seeing the conversation and saw that my friend (let's call her M) was being completely out of line, calling FIs sister (D) bitch.....unjustified and immature.
M started blowing up my phone while I was at work that she needed to talk to me immediately. I nicely told her that I did not want to discuss bridesmaids drama, that I am getting married in 8 weeks and just want to move on and have happy memories.

M then proceeded to tell me that she couldn't be in the wedding (2nd time she pulled this) and "if you don't want to speak anymore that's fine too" -- I was blown away. WHAT!? Friends for TWENTY years and you just say oh no big deal if you don't want to be friends anymore. I was really hurt by that. I decided it was for the best her not being a bridesmaid so I simply told her I respect her decision. I also told her I don't want to throw away our friendship and I am sorry she feels this way. I kept it short and sweet because I don't feel like I should have to get involved in this drama.

A couple weeks later she returned my wedding invitation with a big fat no. She didn't give me a heads up or tell me herself. She just simply replied no. I was also hurt by that. Her and I literally did not get into a fight, I didn't do anything and she seems to be taking this all out on me.

Then yesterday, I realize she deleted me on Facebook (sure, it's petty) but I'm just shocked. I am floored she seems to be throwing away a 20 year friendship just because she doesn't like another bridesmaids. In Feb, when her Grandmother died I was calling and texting her constantly checking in with her I sent a $150 bouquet of flowers to the funeral. Not that I "expect something in return" but it's like....did you forget everything I just did for you?

I don't know if I should contact her or not. She doesn't seem to care about me at all. Friends for 20 years....just gone. It's crazy to me. I know I don't need someone like this in my life but part of me wants closure.

Heffalump

I think $150 worth of flowers should have bought you a few more months of friendship.  Maybe you should get your money back.

But seriously, what you spent on flowers is a complete red herring here.  Either there is more going on than you realize/admit, or your friend is off the rails.  Because I cannot think of a single friend I would ditch for the sole reason that I don't like her FI's sister.  Like the funeral flowers, that has nothing to do with anything.  So take a good, long look at whether there is some other issue between you and this ex-BM--maybe wedding-related, maybe not.  And if not, then she sounds kind of deranged, in which case, aren't you the teensiest bit concerned?

missmarissa14

No I am concerned that's why I posted it on here. It's hard to comprehend how crazy this is.

tawillers

Heffalump said:

I think $150 worth of flowers should have bought you a few more months of friendship.  Maybe you should get your money back.

But seriously, what you spent on flowers is a complete red herring here.  Either there is more going on than you realize/admit, or your friend is off the rails.  Because I cannot think of a single friend I would ditch for the sole reason that I don't like her FI's sister.  Like the funeral flowers, that has nothing to do with anything.  So take a good, long look at whether there is some other issue between you and this ex-BM--maybe wedding-related, maybe not.  And if not, then she sounds kind of deranged, in which case, aren't you the teensiest bit concerned?

I just went back and read the July post and while D did act like an ass, it seems she has apologized and M just can't move on.  No one is making them be friends.  They just have to be in the same room(s) for your wedding.

But completely agree with Heffa:  Either there is more going on in this situation or M is not doing well.  You don't have to get involved in the BM drama, but you probably should try to connect with M to see if she is alright.

(this is all assuming that this behavior is not normal for M to begin with)

missmarissa14

I've been in a wedding before where I was not a fan of another BM and no one knew about it especially not the bride! Because the wedding wasn't about me, and I wasn't about to make it that way.
I am really on the fence about reaching out to her. Taking this all out on me shows me that I don't need that type of person in my life but it's hard to fathom a friend of 20 years going away just like that.
I've seen her loose multiple friendships over the years but never really got involved with the details on why.
It's sad and frustrating.

missmarissa14

During this whole thing she would call my Mom and also message my FI to make nasty comments about his sister.

mrsconn23

missmarissa14 said:

During this whole thing she would call my Mom and also message my FI to make nasty comments about his sister.

MNNEBride

Why do you want to continue a friendship with this woman?

VarunaTT

Maybe your friendship was better in the beginning and you're just holding onto that memory in hopes that it will come back around.  In general, that doesn't happen.

She's cut the ties, so follow her lead.  At this point, I don't see why you need this in your life.  Even if your wedding wasn't involved in this, this sort of behavior is just way out of line.

Loves2dream

Time to move away from the crazy train. One of two things will happen 1) She will realize she went BSC for no reason and come back with an apology 2) She will continue down BSC Lane and live happily ever after among other ding bats.

You already did all that you can do "I am sorry to hear this... I don't want to lose a friendship... I respect your decision..." Get off your knees and count down the days until party time!

missmarissa14

Thanks, ladies. I just tend to be a sentimental person and have a hard time grasping the concept of throwing away the friendship (we used to have.) It is sad but I have many other amazing friends and don't need that in my life

missmarissa14

I guess my question is, reach out in an attempt to gain closure or no?

VarunaTT

Nope.  I think "closure" is a myth.  There's not really anything that can be said that will really satisfy you or make you feel better about this coming to an end.  You provide your own closure.  Do a ceremony if you need to or have a moment of saying goodbye or whatever you need to feel it, but don't reach out to her, she's not going to give it to you.

MNNEBride

I think the closure happened when she responded "NO" to your wedding invitation. 

*Barbie*

i feel like you just want to get in the last word. 

don't bother extending the drama, and take her at her word "NO." 

missmarissa14

@MNNEBride wow very true

missmarissa14

It's not about getting in the last word. The last words exchanged between us was just me telling her I respect her decision not to be in the wedding and I'm sorry she feels that way. At that time I wasn't hurt by her. It was what she did after that really hurt me. So I was thinking about trying to discuss it but it may not be worth it to try.

tawillers

After your followup posts, I agree with the others.  Sorry she can't forgive your FSIL.  You should move on and just be relieved that this ball of drama is behind you.  Maybe someday she'll change her mind and apologize (and maybe she won't), but I don't think you need to reach out anymore.

Loves2dream

You aren't throwing anything away, she did. I hope you see that.

Dreamergirl8812

I do wonder if your actual response to her wanting to vent was "I'm getting married in 8 weeks." You don't need to allow yourself to become involved in their drama, but she called you because she was upset. Not everything is about your wedding, and I wonder if she wouldn't have gone off the rails if you hadn't blown her off.

But it doesn't sound like a huge loss on your part.

missmarissa14

@Dreamergirl8812 I did my best to talk it out and calm her down without getting overly involved in the drama. The first time she dropped out of the wedding I pretty much begged her to stay in letting her know how important she was in my life. I shouldn't have to do that once and sure as hell not twice.

missmarissa14

Her brother is getting married the weekend after me and several people who know her personally tend to think this is her way of getting out of my wedding because it's difficult to be in both. I'm not sure about that but I hope not. That's a shitty way of declining to be a bridesmaid.