Wedding Recap and Withdrawal

How else can I say this?...Humorous but long vent about wedding day problems.

Ok-I’m trying to find a better way to explain myself within this post but having trouble finding the right wording so take this with a grain of salt. Note I may sound like I am pouting, jealous, selfish, crazy or any other negative thing you can name and I promise I really am not. I am your average Midwestern down to earth school teacher who didn’t enjoy the limelight of being a bride or things like that. I am just annoyed to all end about not being able to handle my issues with my own wedding and how awful I feel when other weddings get brought up.

So I didn’t really get depressed after our wedding day. With the “magic” of the day being over I was excited for the honeymoon(nothing fancy, just a car ride to a city nearby for a few days). So happy that I didn’t have to run any more errands or plan anything else for a while. So happy I didn’t ever have to stand up in front of so many people ever again, happy about a lot of things. But…

What I did feel though was anger. I just got mad. Did any of you get mad? Over wedding day issues that may have occurred?  But I feel guilty for being mad because nobody died or got sick-just enough little things happened that bring me to the point.   I wanted everything to be perfect and run smooth and it was not so. I even gave myself a little coaching because I knew problems were going to happen but I never expected what did happen. Do I bring up how mad I am every day or every week? No I don’t. But I do get touchy when the topic swirls around weddings, wedding planning, engagements, etc no matter whom I with.  Now I feel in competition and I DON’T even WANT to be in competition but it just bubbles up.

Can I vent please? Do any of you have coping strategies? I know focusing on the good stuff is a great coping mechanism but I still get frustrated. I think I get so upset is because I don’t have a second chance to go back and change it.(I’ve always needed a second chance all my life, even with dying Easter eggs or carving pumpkins when I was little…never got it quite right the first time around…) Now that I have done all the planning and went through with it all I would LOVE to go back and change it but I can’t.

Any ways from start to finish:

We(note we means FMIL) invited too many people hubby and I didn’t care about, the RSVP’s were mess with getting lost in the mail and we set for 250 expected guests and only 200 showed. Our reception hall looked empty because of all the open space and empty tables.

The chicken was pink and dinner served 15 minutes late (I had to tell them to start serving the food after everyone just started staring around at each other like where’s the food?)

None of the guests witnessed the cake cutting, neither of our parents did. Just the photographer got us BECAUSE the microphone volume was set too low by the dj and so nobody heard what was going on when it was announced. Hubby and I were the only two who heard the wedding party speeches because of this problem as well.

My hair color was faded. I had colored it professionally the week before but it wasn’t toned well and it looks like little house and the prairie hair. And my dress was too big so my armpit pudge was out for show all day. Granted I lost too much weight so that was my “fault” (and back fired anyway because I still get comments on how “disgusting” I looked. Well I gained 20lbs back, I hope everyone’s happy!) Last about ME; my face was a hot mess between blemishes, oil and flaking skin (never had I had all three issues at once) so my makeup had to be caked on. My sister so charistmatically told me I looked like crap before walking down the aisle.

Hubby’s face broke out in a rash before the rehearsal so his face was puffy and sore looking on the wedding day. This has ALSO never happened before. The tuxedo’s looked like black trash bags. Something was wrong with the pants and shoulders of the jackets but every man wearing one just looked awful with a shrunken head.

The usher’s were in la la land when seating our guests. We had reserved 4 rows for family. My parents, hubby’s parents and all grandparents were in the first pew and then there was 3 empty pews right in front. The ushers sat the guests, family members included in the side pews. It’s almost embarrassing to look at the photos.

Note hubby and I paid and planned for the entire wedding ourselves.  This should make me feel proud that was even capable of handling and hosting an event of that size but I almost feel embarrassed…How can I make “light” of these???? I want to get over it so bad so I CAN go to weddings and not feel miserable about my own. I think my perfectionism came back and bit me in the butt and it just plain sucks.

Re: How else can I say this?...Humorous but long vent about wedding day problems.

  • I'll say the same thing I said in your XP:
    You got married, right? That's the important part.
  • I got REALLY mad about our photos and the photos we didn't get.  I STILL get upset when I really think about it.  It's really hard to move past it, but I have just tried to shift my focus towards my love for my hubby.  Hang in gets better with time.
  • Why on earth would anyone tell you you look disgusting?? I'm sorry everything went so terrible for you! I understand how you feel. As someone who dwells on imperfection myself, I can tell you that doing what you can do to fix things, and realizing what can't be changed, really helps. And what I mean by doing what you can do to fix things is -- how long has passed? Can you speak to or write to the caterers and photographers expressing your disappointment in their services (be specific and not overly negative)? Writing always helps me. As for your sister, you should confront her. "You know, I still feel bad for the things you said on my wedding day." Just knowing she knows how you feel would probably help.

    I think if you go to other weddings with the attitude of "my wedding had its problems, but I'm happy that's not happening for my loved one" you just might start to believe it (even if it feels like a lie at first).

    Best wishes to you on a happy marriage that will bring you so much joy you eventually won't care at all about the mishaps on the wedding day!
  • I'm sorry things didn't go as well as you thought they would :(

    Now, a lot of what happened- the caterer's undercooked chicken, the tuxes looking like crap, and the DJ- you should try to get refunds. I'd write to them, requesting partial/full refund (whatever you deem fair). If they don't bite, I'd take them to small claims court (here in my state it's like 50 bucks to file and you get that 50 back in court costs if you win). If it was really that bad- you'd win in a second, no big deal. 

    The hall looking empty is no big deal. I doubt many noticed that- I wouldn't- especially after dinner when everyone gets up and moves around. And even if I noticed as a guest, I wouldn't care in the slightest. And people being seated at the ceremony? Again, NOT A BIG DEAL. I promise. 

    As far as your dress/hair/makeup. That's the part that I do feel bad about. Everyone should feel like they look beautiful on their wedding day and I'm sorry that you have bad memories about that   :(   I'm paying a lot of money for professional hair/makeup/eye lashes/etc because I'm absolutely FANATICAL that I need to look PERFECT. Oh, and your sister sounds like a peach.
    September 2012 Siggy Challenge: Wedding Preview!
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  • Wow.  Where do you live?  The next time I feel like being a bully I will come and look you up because you seem to let people walk over you and your hubby did too.  There's nothing wrong with venting.  You've got freedom of speech to do so.  The problem is that it is over and done with and the people you need to confront are out of earshot.

    First of all, the chicken being pink is something you should have addressed with the caterer right then and there.  You should not have paid for unsatisfactory service. The DJ should have been addressed by either of you, the best man or maid of honor or emcee.  Again, you are paying HIM for a service and this was not his personal disco, so he should have been able to conform to YOUR needs which means he should have been able to check with you to see if everything is okay including turning up your mics and turning down his music. I would contact all the people I paid in a strong letter letting them know how dissatisfied they are and if they aren't able to offer you an apology or even a free dinner in the case of the caterer, I would be sure to write a strong and negative review of their service with ANGIE's LIST, the BBB and any other online venue that allows complaints.

    As for the acne, it is obviously from the stress the two of you were undergoing. You obviously were surrounded by people who didn't have your best interests at heart--otherwise they wouldn't have made negative remarks to you on your wedding day and they would have taken the initiative to help with other problems, such as the loud DJ.  Your guests were so self-absorbed that they weren't paying attention to what the bride and groom were doing and missed the cake cutting? 

    Don't feel bad about any of it. You paid for your wedding and didn't take out a loan or ask for help to do it, so feel good about that. Take the entire event as a learning experience. Take satisfaction in knowing that you married the man you wanted to. Don't let those negative nay-sayers stress you out or cause you to put on weight so fast. 20 pounds is a lot to take back on. For the sake of being able to love your husband as long as you can, focus on having a healthy weight. This should be the beginning of a new life for the two of you and a good opportunity to rid yourselves of the people who aren't a positive force in your life. Some people need to be loved from a distance. Family are only as essential as they are functional in your life. Simply put, if your family doesn't enhance your happiness then you don't have to have them in your life. You're connected to them by blood--not handcuffs. Take charge of your life and let them know that enough is enough and once you start standing up to people, you might see a change in how they treat you--otherwise feed them from a long-handled spoon. 

    Don't let the problems you incurred on your wedding day keep you from enjoying the joy of others.  The next time you attend a wedding, put yourself in the place of the bride and hope that her day is more joyful than yours and wish her the best.  You're there at the (next) wedding to honor her....not brood over something that is now a part of your past. Enjoy the positive memories you and your husband have and go forward with that.  You can't change the past. Change your circle of friends to people who are more about you and perhaps in seven years you can renew your vows in an intimate setting surrounded by people who sincerely do have your best interest at heart.Wink
    Cat in the Hat Fan
  • At the end of the day, you got married, and have your whole lives ahead of you to make happy memories. It sucks that your wedding had it's lows, but I'm sure you're not sharing your highs, which I bet there were many.

    It sucks that things happened and people didn't do what you hoped, and if I were you I would have confronted them then and there. I'm surprised you didn't, as the issue of the mic and the seating issues could have easily been solved. As for your catering problems, a full or partial refund should be granted. As for your sister, you should have given her a good talking to as soon as you had the chance. And anyone that said you looked "disgusting"? I almost can't believe anyone would say that. They owe you an apology, and you should tell them so.

    Your DH and you both had skin problems. With all the stress of putting together you're own wedding, is it really that surprising? That is one thing that is completely out of your control, so don't let it bother you. The weight issue? Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter, as Dr. Seuss says. I bet that no one cared that your hair colour faded, and it probably looked way nicer than you thought it did. You're focusing on the bad things, and one of the main things to pay attention to is that no one died, you got married, and at the end of the day you celebrated it with people you care about.

    One thing I'm sure would help is talking to your DH. If you two sat down and talked about all the good memories of the day, that'd probably help. Remember your first dance, or your vows, or the speeches (you heard them, and that's what really matters). Concentrate on the good, and it will push out the bad. You're getting too caught up in having the "perfect day". No one's wedding is perfect, and you can go to each wedding and think of that. Think about your high and lows, and remember that whatever wedding your at will have highs and lows as well.
  • Just remember it could have been worse. Try to focus on the good things that happened and eventually I'm sure you will be able to laugh off the not so good things. Stay Positive :)
  • It's unfortunate about the events that occured. As time goes on these issues will be a distant memory. Glad you are able to get some humour out of it though!

  • I don't blame you for being angry b/c I read this and it made me angry too. Putting aside the mistakes your vendors made - it sounds to me like the real problem and t is how negative - and I'm guessing jealous - some of the people in your lives are.  I know I'd be angry at my sister (who sounds jealous for sure to me) if she told me I looked bad on my wedding day.  

    And those people telling you that your looked "disgusting" b/c you lost weight?  That's jealousy honey. Take it from someone who has been thin her whole life and told any number of times that I looked disgusting, unhealthy, etc.- they are jealous b/c you are thin. I have never, ever been unhealthy and I heard this from so many people who they themselves had weight issues.   I am sure you looked beautiful on your wedding day.

    Try to focus on your happiness and not the haters.  Oh and if there are photos you don't like, don't look at those.  Look at the one's that you love and either put the others away or get rid of them.
  • I'm sorry you were upset with the day.

    I had a panic attack the other night about my wedding and it's done and over with. I also feel jealous of friends who are planning their weddings since mine is over. I had a great day, but there are a few big things I would absolutely change.
    Married the love of my life on Friday, December 16, 2011!
  • I understand where you are coming from on second chances - I am the same way! I don't think my issues were quite to your level, but in any case it's hard to prepare yourself for things going wrong because you don't know exactly what will go wrong.

    I agree with the PP about refunds if that's possible. And as far as the way you felt about your appearance - did you have bridal portraits done? If not, have them done now if you can. We had a day after shoot and I am so happy to have outdoor portraits with sunshine because our wedding day was gray and gloomy! And the people who said you looked bad - that's just about the least tactful thing I have ever heard. sheesh.

    I had a hard time letting go of things because it's a big experience and it's a one time deal. The first several weeks after were just kinda hard coming down from everything. The only thing that helped was time so just hang in there!
  • I appreciate all the kind and thoughtful words you all  have taken the time to share with me. There were plenty of postive aspects of our day too.
    One of the things taken care of was the problem with the chicken($400.00 refund). The other things I was told time and time again to forget about so I didn't see any point in expressing my dissatisfaction of my vendors when I was told it was a nonissue.
    I already feel better because you ladies expressed that what I feel like my issues were valid issues that many of my friends and family told me to ignore and move on from. Of course I have moved on-it's not like I am lying in a curtain drawn room in my wedding gown-but there are a few a tender areas when I happen to recall the wedding day and the validation from you all has helped me see that I am not ridiculous for feeling the way I do.
    I try and always put my best foot forward(as midwesterns do) but with all the winter engagements it recently has brought up a lot of those sore feelings. One of my bm's got engaged. I want to feel so entirely happy for her but I can't help but get a little bitter when I find out her parent's are paying for everything with an unlimited budget and she also has a wedding planner to deal with all the crap that could happen on her wedding day.
    Either or whats done is done and yes I am happily married. We currently have 8 weddings to attend this summer and next fall and this will be a great time to work on getting over our day's flaw's and focus on the here and now.
  • Aw, don't be sad b/c someone's family is paying for their wedding.  You should be so proud you and your H paid for everything. That's really something you can be proud of.

    I also wanted to say - I used to plan events as my job. I have planned tons of different events and things always, always go wrong no matter how well executed your plan is or how fancy the venue is. Stuff went wrong at my wedding - yes I was a bit upset afterward too, but life goes on. Stuff will go wrong at these other people's weddings too that you won't even know about.

    And plus, although your profile pic is tiny it looks to me like you looked fabulous.  
  • I understand how you feel about the shold have, would haves for your wedding. It seems that you, like me, are a ruminator. You play the bad thing over and over in your head and you keep getting mad/sad/regretful all over again.
    I kow this may sound stupid, but I am trying to get my husband on board to get dressed up again like we were for the wedding and get new pictures. There are maybe 10 pictures of just the 2 of us from th wedding! I think having that positive experience may be good for you too.
    Google 'day after pictures wedding.'  It may help you create some positive wedding memories as well :)
  • There's a lot that I would change about our wedding day if I could. I had a beautiful, cathedral length lace train and maybe not enough room at the altar for it. Instead of sweeping the train out in front of me down the steps at the altar, my bridesmaids swept the train out behind me so it ran into their feet, they weren't able to lay it out fully, and in the pictures it's just a big crumpled mess at their feet. I also decided after the fact that I didn't like the colors of the bridesmaids dresses, and the groomsmen kinda botched the kerchiefs in the pockets of their tuxes (I know, I know, ver minor). Anywho, what I have found helps me is framing/hilighting/emphasizing photos from the wedding that do not show those things. For example, I only have black and white photos of the bridesmaids framed, because then I don't see the color of the dresses, but still have great pictures of my bridesmaids. All of the ceremony pictures I have framed are just the two of us and are close up so you can't see my train. I plan to frame one or two of the photos from before the ceremony where my train is laid out nicely. My suggestion to you is to find the photos of the two of you from your wedding where you look happiest and proudly display them around your home. When you go to other weddings, maybe keep an eye out for ways that you can help other brides. For example, my mother was in the front row at our wedding, saw what the bridesmaids did with my dress, thought to herself "maybe I should fix that," and didn't. I really wish she had.

    But in the end, you are married! Congratulations!
  • Well I haven't had my wedding yet, but my mother is still upset about hers 32 years later.  My uncle took photos and she doesn't have a single picture, NOT ONE that's not extremely blurry.  So she has no pics at all.  They had an outdoor reception at a friend's house - they were in grad school and paid for it themselves so they had no money - and the cake literally melted and fell in.  My dad was hungover from the bachelor party the night before so he basically spent the reception in the bathroom, and my dad's mother got in such a snit that there was no receiving line that she didn't speak to my parents for 5 years until I was born.  Not joking.  And my mom's mother ended up crying because snotty ladies from her hometown were talking about how "thank god they aren't living in sin anymore!" and she didn't know until reception that my parents lived together before they got married - relatively big deal back in the late 70s/early 80s.  My dad's sister (who let me tell you is a peach) refused to try on her BM dress until the night before and ordered it 2 sizes too small, so my mother's sister spent hours the night before putting gussets in for her, and my parents ran out of beer so quickly they had to run to a liquor store in the middle of the reception - mom apparently dragged dad out of the bathroom to make him pay for it, lol.  So yes, it sucks but it seriously could be worse.  And here's the thing about my parents' wedding: their friends say it was STILL the best party they ever went to.  Nobody really noticed or cared about those minor (or even major) details that brides like to have meltdowns over.  

    I'm glad you're feeling better and were able to get the chicken thing resolved - hopefully you can let your sister's comments go because they're just petty.
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  • Such a bummer that things weren't the way you planned!

    Our wedding was nothing like I planned, but I have no regrets. See, my husband is in the military and we found out six months before the wedding that he was going to be deployed soon. We had to choose - get married in 10 days, or wait a year and a half. We chose to do it in 10 days. I did have the dress I'd chosen, but that was about it. We had 15 people present, I made my own silk bouquet, we had a two night honeymoon at a B&B instead of a week in Hawaii, I had 20-30 lbs I'd hoped to lose that were still jiggling on my arms and tummy and thighs and I was at my all time heaviest weight so I didn't feel that beautiful, my hair wasn't long like I'd hoped. For our reception we rented a dance studio for a couple of hours and danced a little bit, but the iPod didn't even work so we had a laptop with the volume turned up and that was it. The meal was at a local restaurant. I didn't even invite my dad because he recently divorced my mom so at such a tiny wedding the tension would be way more than I wanted to be present on my special day. People were sad they couldn't come. I didn't have time to prepare mentally and work through some of my issues like I'd hoped including depression and a bad past sexual relationship.

    But I don't feel upset about any of it and I don't regret it and I'm happy with our wedding. It was about joining our lives together in the presence of God and those who were the very closest to us, and that is what happened. I was so happy on our wedding day and I still enjoy telling people about it. He's leaving in a couple of months now and the fact that we are able to share this time together as a married couple is more important to me than any wedding disappointments.

    I don't mean to trivialize your experience I just want to show you that a wedding doesn't have to be perfect, everything you dreamed of, or a big event in order to be a wonderful event. It's okay if you don't feel like you were drop dead gorgeous or if you think the reception was weird - those things are less important. It could have been much worse in a lot of ways and still been a wonderful day. I hope that as time passes the hurt will fade and the joy over your new commitment will grow!
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  • Wow, I am really sorry that those things have happened to you, especially your sister saing mean things!  Thats just not okay!! As PP have mentioned I would email and or call the vendors and let them know in the most pilote way possible that you were disappointed with their services because of whatever whatever.

    Some words of advice I can impart are also in my siggy and make me feel better whenever the planning and madness gets to the best of me.

    A wedding is a day, a marriage is a lifetime!  You got married and there were no major disasters with someone falling or anything like that!

    Congrats and I hope you can move past it!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker "A wedding is a day, a marriage is a lifetime"
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