NWR: How do I handle this possible s*** show of a shower? / Vent

aurianna

My cousin is pregnant and due in May. (yay!)
I texted my aunt L (her stepmom) and said I'd be happy to help with the shower if there was one.
Important to note: The entire family lives in a small, rural town. I live three hours away.

Feb 7:
I get a group text from Aunt L. It is sent to my stepmom (who can't go), my Aunt T (who can't text), and me. It's asking about the shower.

I text ideas and questions.
Hear nothing.
Follow up a few weeks later
Hear nothing.

March 9:
I get a text with a time and place which I had no input in. A church basement, on Sunday, April 26. The date & time are inconvenient but I didn't say anything.

We decided on a theme.
I said I could be there beforehand to help setup, that I would make invitations, I could come up with games (I wanted to consult with cousin to see what she liked/didn't like) and I was planning on bring some snacks and another small cake to supplement the cupcakes that Aunt L wanted to have.

I asked about how many were on the guest list. Crickets on that.

Still waiting on the guest list.....

March 17.
I get a text that shower is moved to Sunday, April 12. Super inconvenient for me, but I'm still trying to make it work and don't complain. It's what works best for my cousin.

Getting invites out in time will be hard... But maybe not a problem because apparently there is a Facebook event with 43 people invited.
But she says they will send paper invites to 13 other people who don't have facebook.
At this point I'm thinking how tacky to not have real invites, but then I don't feel like paying $25+ in postage alone for invites so I'm just going with it and not worrying about paper invites to the facebook people. Whatev. They want to invite and feed a battalion of people that big, go for it.


March 27:
Still no guest list for me for the paper invites.
The location on the facebook invite suddenly... went away. Apparently the Church fell through. So invitations still on hold.

March 31:
Aunt L tells me we can't do invites until we know the location.
She shows me really cute decorations she got.
She says they might have it at her house if they can't find something else. (no way 50 people will fit in her house. They'd have seating for maybe 15).
I notice on the FB event, I have been added as "co-host". Ok I guess?
Aunt L tells me her daughter is doing games.
She then asks me if I can handle the food and drink.

...

What? I never suggested that I could feed everyone. I offered many things and that was not one of them.
I replied that since I'm three hours out of town I'd probably have trouble bringing cupcakes but I could contribute some money towards it (that I would have been spending on invites and other frills like the adorable snack/candy bar which I am now scrapping. I haven't mentioned that though).

I asked how many were coming. Apparently the adorable thing about Facebook events is that it doesn't track "nos", at least not that I can see.
Aunt L replies, "well, we still haven't heard from a lot of people, but if we invited 51, the rule is to expect 1/3, so 17 people".
NO.
no no no no.

And then... then I asked, "wait, will there be kids there?"
This was a sore spot with us because I didn't invite children to my wedding and Aunt L wrote in her son on the RSVP card. I had to make a call, them no... they got really huffy... it was a thing. So she said "I like to make my events child friendly. There are lots of nieces and nephews on my side." Well that's great... but I told her I needed to know how many were coming if we were going to feed them.



So I realize what I should be able to do. I SHOULD be able to say "I can contribute $100 to the shower. As I'm not in town, I can't make the purchases. I will be in early to setup. This is my contribution."

But... but...
I love my cousin. I want her to have a nice shower because this is sort of a miracle baby and she didn't get a wedding shower either... and apparently the mindset down there is so casual and "whatever" that it looks like she might not have something nice if I don't intervene.

But I literally know no-one on the invite list except for the people I've already mentioned. We aren't facebook friends. So even if I contact them to get them to confirm their (and their children's) attendance, it will go to the "other" folder in their FB inbox and who knows if they'll read it.

Suddenly I'm a co-host and I hate having my name attached to something where there may not be enough food and chairs for people... but I just can't afford to get enough to cover the possibly 60 people attendance.


I'm freaking out here and not thinking rationally. I'm going to call Aunt T tonight and see if she has any insight on the guest list and ways we can handle this.
Aside from that, can you ladies help me through my frazzle and give me reasonable suggestions on what I can/should do? Because I'm so annoyed right now I'm not thinking straight.







CN: I somehow got put on the hook for hosting a shower less than two
weeks away, three hours a way, with no idea of the size of the guest
list and I'm just dying.

lovegood90

This sounds like a mess. I think you should have nipped this in the bud earlier, but I don't think you can avoid a difficult conversation so as soon as possible I'd call her up and say something along the lines of:

"There seems to be some misunderstandings around what is happening with the shower. My budget is "x" and since I'm coming from far away I will not be able to help make/provide any food and drinks outside of contributing money."

Just because you love your cousin, doesn't mean you have to be a doormat and run around like this when no one is giving you information. You can show your love for her by showing up to the shower and doing what you can within your means without being taken advantage of.

 It's time to be clear and straightforward about what you can do. Especially after that passive aggressive dig about the kids? Yeah, eff that noise.

southernbelle0915

"Sorry I can't do food and drink. I can still do invitations, games and decorations, though. Please send me the invitation list so I can mail them. We should probably mail them today or tomorrow."

Also, I'd talk to her about re-scheduling. At this point, no one will be able to go. But maybe that's a good thing......

You're in a really shitty spot - especially because she attached your name to the FB invite. I'm sorry.

aurianna

Well, I asked about the list for invitations.

But there is no longer a place to have it. So I wouldn't have a location to put on the invitation.

No one seems concerned. Apparently this is just how the family operates. *sigh*

anjemon

I know you're hours away, but is there another cousin you can talk to? Someone you can make run around places? I've hosted showers in my apartment's community room, the one at my apartment can hold that many people. Of course the one at FI's place can only hold half that many people. Or maybe there's a community center or restaurant you can host at? 

You're definitely going to have to balance your desire to have a nice shower and your budget. Or have a long talk with your aunt about things that can/can't happen. 

I'm not sure if this is against etiquette, but if you cancel the facebook invite you can plan the shower for a day where you can get a room/church/whatever. And then invite people the mother-to-be actually wants at the party and have a party you can afford. Or you can plan a separate party assuming that your Aunt's party won't actually happen.

Maggie0829

If I were you I would just tell that you can no longer help with the shower.  I would get out of this craziness as soon as was humanly possible.

Instead I would take the money that you would have used on the shower and buy your cousin something really nice for her baby.  And maybe figure out a time that is good for you and her to go and visit her and take her out to lunch and maybe get her a pedicure.

aurianna

Maggie0829 said:

If I were you I would just tell that you can no longer help with the shower.  I would get out of this craziness as soon as was humanly possible.

Instead I would take the money that you would have used on the shower and buy your cousin something really nice for her baby.  And maybe figure out a time that is good for you and her to go and visit her and take her out to lunch and maybe get her a pedicure.

That is soooooo what I want to do.

But I really want to get out of this with causing as little family drama as possible.


This is my game plan:
Talk to Aunt T. See if she has any idea about the magnitude of this and any suggestions. She might have opinions and has been left out of this since she can't actually text. Plus she has no kids of her own so if she wants to be involved (keyword wants. I'll leave her out of it if she wants out of it) she can be.

She may have magical ideas. If she does not, this is my game plan:


Tomorrow I will tell Aunt L that I'm not comfortable picking out cake/cupcakes when I do not know the size of the guest list. I will give her these two options:

If she can get me a firmer number, I will be happy to get cupcakes and anything else appropriate I can with my budget of $xyz. (or rather, order them from a bakery in town and pick them up).

Or, I will get food but more likely more grazy things like a Sam's cookie platter, a fruit/veggie tray, some popcorn, etc and not cupcakes because I don't want to risk not having enough servings.



It just bums me out, because I had lots of cute ideas. It's a bee theme party and I was going to do a candy buffet something like this:
http://www-static.weddingbee.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/17/yellowc01.jpg

And I was going to make cute invites and cute little signs. And I have a cake pan shaped like a beehive so I was going to make a supplementary cake.

Now with the short notice and the higher priority stuff taking up my budget, I can't do those things and I'm just disappointed.

Thanks for the good advice. I'll try to stick up for myself and get out of this without spending too much money.


ETA:
No other cousins female cousins I trust to do any of this. A couple male that maybe, but I doubt they'd want to. Aunt T is really my only hope in this regard.

badbnagdway

Ugh, how terrible for you, OP. 

Mostly I'm expressing my condolences. I would consider contacting your aunt and stating what you will do. "I can bring cupcakes, cheese and crackers and ice tea for up to 50 people" or whatever it is. 

aurianna

Yeah...

I just never thought I'd have to worry about this. SHE is the one that chose cupcakes.

Exact quote: "We just had cupcakes for [my daughter's] shower, so that should be good enough."
I thought, "OK! Aunt L wants and is handling the cupcakes. I'll just add frills."

blarg.

Heh... but something else that's only just occurred to me... if we're putting anymore than 15 people in her home... there aren't chairs. So eating anything that involves utensils is pointless. So the last ditch Pooh & Bee cake I saw that Walmart makes is out.

Apparently I'm co-hosting an event without chairs for at least half the butts. This is etiquette hell.

I'll figure something out. Thanks for letting me vent.

photokitty

Is the school cafeteria available for rent? Is there a rec or senior center? Sorry you're stuck in this mess

flbride2015

anjemon said:

I know you're hours away, but is there another cousin you can talk to? Someone you can make run around places? I've hosted showers in my apartment's community room, the one at my apartment can hold that many people. Of course the one at FI's place can only hold half that many people. Or maybe there's a community center or restaurant you can host at? 

You're definitely going to have to balance your desire to have a nice shower and your budget. Or have a long talk with your aunt about things that can/can't happen. 

I'm not sure if this is against etiquette, but if you cancel the facebook invite you can plan the shower for a day where you can get a room/church/whatever. And then invite people the mother-to-be actually wants at the party and have a party you can afford. Or you can plan a separate party assuming that your Aunt's party won't actually happen.

The bolded above! Can you just bow out of this shower or somehow convince her to cancel it and host your own?

aurianna

Update: They've secured a location.
At least there's that.

JellyBean52513

I know you just want to give your cousin a nice shower, but I think you may have arrived at a point where you simply cannot do that because there are other people involved who are obviously standing in the way of that. 

Also, and I don't mean to be judgmental, but if your family typically operates this way and is from a smaller community, then a "nice" shower that you envision might not be their idea of a good time. I have family that lives in a town where you literally can't get a cell phone signal, and family parties are a FRACTION of the level of elaborate that, say, my SO's family parties are. There's a big difference in the social dynamics. I can see Aunt L rolling her eyes at your suggestions to add nice frills and do things like formal invitations... again, I don't mean to be judgey, and I apologize if I'm overstepping boundaries with my insinuations.

Do you think that maybe it's time to just throw your hands up, step back, and invest your shower budget into an awesome gift that she'll really love and use over time? The shower is a one-day event but a great gift can last much longer. You also have the opportunity to untangle yourself from this mess now, just in case it DOES turn out to be awful.

Good luck, OP!

aurianna

@JellyBean52513
Don't worry. No offense taken. That's actually a pretty good insight and you're probably not off base.

Even if it's the right course, my just saying to my Aunts "never mind, I don't plan on helping anymore" so close to the shower would cause drama. It would also get back to my cousin and might make her sad that I pulled out (family togetherness is more important to her than gifts, I think).

But I'm not going to stress over this anymore. I will spend a modest sum to get an assortment of things that will be inexpensive but feed a lot of people; I won't spend more than I'd been planning on spending on the frills. No present money will be diverted.
I will tell Aunt L that instead of cupcakes I'm getting XYZ. I won't be snotty about it; I'll just let her know. If she wants cupcakes she can buy them.

I won't worry about anything super cute or fancy (except for a nice bouquet of yellow flowers for the mommy to be[e]). Very casual probably is the way this is going down.



I'm calming down. Thanks all.