Baby shower before wedding, what is polite?

classyduck

I've been "invited" to a baby-shower for a couple (new in-law cousins) who are also soon-to-be-married.

I received NO invite, paper or electronic. I was invited by word-of-of-mouth by my mother-in-law.

I was informed that bringing a package of diapers would enter me into some kind of drawing I don't care about. My husband thought this was cool, bless him, and brought home some diapers for me to gift... fine. We also have a baby shampoo gift for them, and the name of the shampoo is a play on their last name, which we think is clever.

Anyway, that's the setup, here are my questions:

I haven't been invited to the wedding... which I honestly am not going to take offense to, having just gone through the agony of trimming down a wedding guest list myself. However, the juxtaposition of this shower to the wedding... KIND of makes it feel like a wedding shower. I'm wrong here, aren't I? I should take this as a BABY shower only, and not be offended if I'm not invited to wedding, right? I AM a bit offended, but I think that may just be my annoyance at a lack of invitation yet a solicitation by proxy for gifts.

I'm mildly annoyed that I wasn't directly invited. I've been asked to attend a shower, which is essentially a request for gifts, for a good cause. Yet I've never actually met this couple in person -- EXCEPT very briefly at my own wedding a few months ago (he is husband's cousin). They can't bother to send me an invitation, but they can bother my mother-in-law to ask me to come and give them gifts? Erm. Ok. Guess I shouldn't expect any thank you notes...

Am I being really petty? I'm not terribly excited to go. What should I do? Should this be considered as a wedding shower, or not?

TrixieJess

Personally, I wouldn't go without an invite. The hostess for my baby shower did it by email (it was the easiest for everyone coming), evite and Facebook.

It sounds incredibly gift grabby to me and rather presumptuous. If you do decide to go with the diapers, get a size bigger than asked and make a diaper cake.

JoanE2012

I also would never go if I didn't receive some kind of invitation from the host.  Are you sure your they told your MIL to invite you?  Where is the host in all of this?  Showers are usually more intimate, so if you've never even met the couple, I find it hard to believe you'd be invited.  Unless they really are that gift grabby.  And if they are, they can at least send you a proper invitation.  Until then, return the diapers.

themuffinman16

I would return the gift, and not attend. Showers are an intimate event, and I would feel super awkward not knowing the guest if honor. This seems gift grabby, and without even a proper invite. It seems like they are just fishing for more gifts.

[Deleted User]

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hellosweetie1015

I would not go. I wasn't invited, word-of-mouth excepted. I might still send a gift since your H already bought something, but that would depend entirely on whether or not I was offended at what sounds like a blatant gift grab.

That being said - if you're being asked to bring diapers, I'd say that it is actually a baby shower. Its proximity to the wedding could be due to the fact that the baby's due date is also close to the wedding. It could certainly be a gift grab, but the things you get at baby showers and the things you get at bridal showers are not often the same things. So yeah, try not to be offended about the lack of a wedding invitation. Be offended about the rest, sure. But not that.

lovegood90

Agree with others. I'd return the gift and not go.

IrishPirate60

I think the invitation from the mother-in-law may have come from herself in a rush of new baby/new family constellations/feeling expansive. Thank her for thinking of you, send a card wishing them the best for their growing family, and send the diapers--or donate them to a local food bank where they'll be snatched up immediately.

classyduck

Thank you all for the advice!  (Also I realize this might have been more appropriate for thebump, but thanks for fielding my etiquette question here).

Funny twist of events -- I just got a text from my MIL apologizing profusely that she had the time wrong, and it is an hour earlier than she originally told me. I was out running errands and would never make it in time anyway. I would have had the correct time if I had an invite... but you all brought up a VERY legitimate concern about the actual status of my invitation. I assumed it was being extended to me by request, but perhaps MIL is presuming!

Thanks, I'll send them a card with a check in the mail.

classyduck

Well, apparently the invite was sent to my MIL, and I WAS named on the invite. So now I feel kinda weird for not RSVPing. MIL says she told me that weeks ago, and she probably did, but I had forgotten. Arg. How do I take this? I feel bad, and annoyed, at the same time.

TrixieJess

classyduck said:

Well, apparently the invite was sent to my MIL, and I WAS named on the invite. So now I feel kinda weird for not RSVPing. MIL says she told me that weeks ago, and she probably did, but I had forgotten. Arg. How do I take this? I feel bad, and annoyed, at the same time.

Was it a separate invite or were you added to MIL's? This is important because you are an adult and you should have your own invitation which should have been properly forwarded to you if the Hostess didn't have the proper address. If you were just added to MIL's, nope, still wouldn't go.

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MyNameIsNot

If the host can't be bothered to send your invitation to you, she doesn't deserve an RSVP from you.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like your attendance is really all that necessary. You don't really even know the couple and you weren't correctly invited. I would send the shampoo and a card along with MIL and be done with it. 

*ETA: words

classyduck

Well, I'm not exactly sure how I was invited, because I never saw the invitation. I believe I was included on hers.

I remember when I was doing wedding invitations, there were a couple times when I had to track down the address of an adult child of a guest that I was inviting, and it was so tempting to just put the child's name on the parent's invitation. I'm glad I didn't, and now I can see how important proper invitations are. Etiquette rules are usually there for a good reason.

We will probably see them at a family get together tomorrow for easter, so I'll give them a gift and card then, and apologize for any misunderstanding about the invite/RSVP. Thanks again everyone for the advice.

RebeccaFlower

I don't attend piggy-back invites. This has happened twice for baby showers since I was in college/married. Maybe that makes me bitchy, but if you can't be bothered to ask for my address, I can't be bothered to buy you a gift. 

lovegood90

RebeccaFlower said:

I don't attend piggy-back invites. This has happened twice for baby showers since I was in college/married. Maybe that makes me bitchy, but if you can't be bothered to ask for my address, I can't be bothered to buy you a gift. 

Yep, this is what I do too.

SP29

First, I don't think this has anything to do with the wedding, so don't treat it as such.

The invite was poorly done and not your fault. Agreed- if they wanted you there (or to properly RSVP) they should have sent you your own invitation, which would have had the information on it. They can't expect you to RSVP or show up if you don't know who to call, where, and when. 

Personally, I wouldn't go. If your husbands family is close, a card and small gift would be a nice gesture. You could give it to MIL to bring for you, or give it when you see them next (as you said this holiday).