Not sure what to do! advice please!

Knottie44481146

My fiancé and I are doing everything on our own for our wedding. I am having such a hard time deciding where we should get married and how I want it all to go. Have a small intimate ceremony and a big reception or have all guest come to both the ceremony and reception? Colors or theme? Or both? Any brides out there have any advice?

KatWAG

Knottie44481146 said:

My fiancé and I are doing everything on our own for our wedding. I am having such a hard time deciding where we should get married and how I want it all to go. Have a small intimate ceremony and a big reception or have all guest come to both the ceremony and reception? Colors or theme? Or both? Any brides out there have any advice?

Start with figuring out a budget and a guest list. That will filter out a lot of options.

Maggie0829

FYI the reception typically costs about 60% of your overall budget, so if you are thinking that having a smaller ceremony will save you money, it won't.

But like PP said, you need to determine how much money you are willing to spend and then determine a tentative guest list.  This will help you to narrow down if you can afford a full blown black tie wedding or a nice afternoon cake and punch wedding (and everything in between). In the end you need to plan a wedding that is fully hosted for your guests.

mikenberger

Yup, budget first, then guest list. Then find the wedding that will fit your allowances.

All guests invited to the wedding ceremony MUST be invited to the reception. I've seen around here, if you choose to have a small ceremony (rule of thumb here is 10% of your total guest list) then it's okay to not invite everybody to the ceremony then the reception. But overall, it is expected that all guests are invited to both.

southernbelle0915

Ditto others - figure out how much you're willing to spend. Then figure out who you want to invite.

FYI though, everyone should be invited to everything. A wedding is one event - ceremony + reception.

CMGragain

1.  Budget

2.  Guest list

3.  What time of day?  This is very important, and depends on #'s 1 and 2.  There are four basic kinds of weddings

    A.  Private wedding.  This can be at the courthouse, a church, or some romantic destination.  No guests.  No reception.  You can have a party to celebrate the same day or at a later time.
    B.  Afternoon wedding:  This can be in a church, or anywhere.  Guests are invited.  You serve cake, punch and possibly tea sandwiches immediately after the ceremony.  Very traditional and budget friendly.  The cake does not need to be a fancy tiered wedding style cake.
    C.  Morning wedding.  Your reception will be a brunch, which is half the cost of a dinner reception.  You can have dancing if you wish.  If you feel casual, have this in a  park with picnic style food.
    D.  Full dinner reception.  Very expensive! 
   Private ceremony with full reception?  This does not make sense to me, since the reception will be 80% of your cost.  You won't save much money.  Many guests will be disappointed to miss your ceremony.  It seems gift grabby, to me.

NOW you can start looking at venues.  Churches, parks, fire stations (Yes!) fraternal lodges (Moose, Elks, etc.) are budget friendly.  If you have a small guest list, a restaurant might be a nice idea. 

Hope all this helps.

[Deleted User]

I agree with Maggie, the reception is the most expensive portion when it comes to hosting your guests. The only expenses are programs and bubbles, both are optional. Of course you need seating, which if the venue you pick doesn't provide, you'll need to rent. First figure out how much you can budget for on your own. Then talk to FI and ask him what he would like to see and what you want. Do you want a church wedding, an outdoor wedding, a ceremony at the same location at the reception? Then if you don't know what type of reception you want, make appointments at different venues that interest you to see what the costs are and what you get for the price. Make sure to asks if they have any off season pricing or if the pricing is different for a Friday versus Saturday wedding. In the mean time, start working on your guest list. I would recommend ranking your guests. Basically your VIPS (people who you really want there and would be bummed if they couldn't make it), then people you really want to invite, but if the budget isn't there for them, they're getting cut. Then your final list of, it would be nice if we can invite them after everyone else has been accomodated. Your colors will probably be impacted by the time of year you get married in. Pastel colors seem to be more spring/summer colors, while bright colors lend more to summer, earth tones lend itself to fall and jewel tones lend themselves to fall. That being said, that doesn't mean you can't have whatever color you want at any time of year. What colors work in a winter wedding in Vermont, can be totally different then a winter wedding in Florida. Go with your favorite colors.

augsum15

Yeah pretty much figure out your budget first, you can't do anything else without that. Then create your guest list. Everyone should be invited to everything. The point of a reception is to thank people for witnessing your wedding.

Colours are up to you, usually picking 2-3 is good to start with. Do you like bright and colourful? Or soft pastels? Neutral colours? Sparkles? 

Theme-wise, you don't HAVE to have a theme. 

You have so many options here it's hard to narrow a lot down for you, being that you're starting from scratch. Grab some wedding magazines, get some inspiration that way. It definitely helped me. You'll figure out quickly what decorative things, colour schemes, etc, you do and don't like. 

The time of year is also going to effect what you do and where you hold your wedding.

TheArtemisMoon

My fiance and I have about $1,000 for everything, dress included. 

1.  We rented a wedding chapel that is housed in an former church. 

2.  I ordered a white quinceanera dress that looks just like a wedding gown.

3.  We also found a family friend to do our cake (and yes, it is coming from a professional)

4.  His grandmother volunteered to make most of the food. 

5.  We have kept our guest list around 50-60 people which consists only of close relatives and friends. 

6.  Due to personal situations, we decided not to have a bridal party except flower girl and ring bearer (read: save money on gifts). 

7.  Don't waste money on a veil at a bridal salon. You can get pretty veils, ring pillows, and flower baskets at craft stores and even Wal-Mart for so much less. 

8.  Our music is pre-recorded (save money on a band or DJ). I know a lot of people are going to knock this suggestion but when you're short on funds, it's a good option. Besides, you don't have to worry about the musicians making mistakes.

As for color, my personal selection was turquoise and purple but there are a lot of colors that can work well with each other. I could go on all day but I won't.

*Coral and slate

*Sage and lilac

*Lime and navy

*Maroon and gold

Knottie3135957

Does anyone have a nice yard that you can do both the ceremony and reception at? We're literally doing everything ourselves---even my gown! Ceremony and reception are in my dad's yard. My family and us are cooking all the food. Thankfully, we're doing a BBQ, so most of the stuff can be done prior to the wedding. But you really need to make a budget before making plans.

CMGragain

TheArtemisMoon said:

My fiance and I have about $1,000 for everything, dress included. 

1.  We rented a wedding chapel that is housed in an former church. 

2.  I ordered a white quinceanera dress that looks just like a wedding gown.

3.  We also found a family friend to do our cake (and yes, it is coming from a professional)

4.  His grandmother volunteered to make most of the food. 

5.  We have kept our guest list around 50-60 people which consists only of close relatives and friends. 

6.  Due to personal situations, we decided not to have a bridal party except flower girl and ring bearer (read: save money on gifts). 

7.  Don't waste money on a veil at a bridal salon. You can get pretty veils, ring pillows, and flower baskets at craft stores and even Wal-Mart for so much less. 

8.  Our music is pre-recorded (save money on a band or DJ). I know a lot of people are going to knock this suggestion but when you're short on funds, it's a good option. Besides, you don't have to worry about the musicians making mistakes.

As for color, my personal selection was turquoise and purple but there are a lot of colors that can work well with each other. I could go on all day but I won't.

*Coral and slate

*Sage and lilac

*Lime and navy

*Maroon and gold

I am fine with your plans, except for #4.  Poor Grandma!  Will she even be able to witness the ceremony, or will she be too busy in the kitchen?  How are you going to keep the food at a safe temperature?  I once saw a wedding where the MOG missed the ceremony (which was delayed an HOUR for her) because she was so busy making the reception food!  The guests were not happy with the delay.
I would recommend cake and punch with little tea sandwiches.

JennyColada

TheArtemisMoon said:

8.  Our music is pre-recorded (save money on a band or DJ). I know a lot of people are going to knock this suggestion but when you're short on funds, it's a good option. Besides, you don't have to worry about the musicians making mistakes.

This is a pretty common thing, especially with how iPod-friendly many place are! We had some live music for the pre-ceremony cocktail hour and the ceremony, but for the reception we just used an iPod. It was super easy, convenient, and inexpensive!

hellosweetie1015

HI OP! I'm resurrecting this (although it's hardly resurrection if it's the first thread on the page...).

The best way to approach this, for me, was in this order:

Please note that unless otherwise specified, all "yous" refer to the general you AND the general you's FI. 

- BUDGET. Do you have a $1,000 budget? $5,000? $10,000? $30,000? Every wedding has some budget, even the supercrazyluxury ones. Where do you fall? That will allow you to figure out what you can spend. Ours hits right at $3,000, although we're finding we're able to supplement by being careful and buying as we see things out of "fun" money we both have available.

- MUST HAVES. You pick your three things you consider the most important, out of the things that don't have an immediate effect on guest's comfort (chairs, protection from rain/snow/too much sun, accessibility for those with mobility or accessibility issues, food and drink suitable for the time of day, etc). Your FI picks his/her three things that s/he considers most important. You compare lists. If you both have one or two of the same things on your priority lists, then you're good - you're going to focus a lot of your effort on those things. If you both have three entirely different things on the list, there will be compromising. Obviously this is aside from the officiant, because s/he will be the fourth key element - without you, your FI, the marriage license, and an officiant, there is no wedding. 

As an example, my list was: good food & drinks; interesting space; decent but not expensive photography. I think FI's list stopped at good food and drinks.

- GUEST LIST. Once you know how much money you have, and where you want that money to go in relation to other things you want to have, you can make up your guest list. This is the list for both ceremony and reception; only in very rare circumstances is it okay to have a small ceremony and larger reception - I believe I've heard that if your ceremony invite list was 10 people, your reception list should include 100 people. As the reception is the largest part of your budget, generally it saves no money to have a smaller ceremony with a larger reception.

I found that the easiest way for us to make our guest list was to "tier" our family and friends. Our first tier were our VIPs: our parents, my siblings, my two grandmothers, and our BFFs. Second tier was extended family - FI's grandparents (with whom he is not particularly close), his closest extended family, my aunts and uncles. Third tier was first cousins on both sides. Fourth tier was further extended family - my mom's cousins, etc. Fifth tier was our not-BFF friends. If we couldn't invite a whole tier, no one in the tier gets invited. Other posters call this "inviting in circles", and it works for a few other things - whether or not you invite kids; if you do, which kids you invite; and +1s. HOWEVER, it does not work in the situation of significant others - if Cousin Joe is single, he doesn't need a +1, but if he's dating someone, s/he should be invited by name if AT ALL possible. (Obviously if Joe starts dating this person after invites go out, it's nice to accommodate him/her, but not necessary since you didn't know she was a thing. If he starts dating this person the day before invites go out, you need to accommodate him/her.) 

KEEP IN MIND that this means, once we decided how far down our "tier list" we were willing to go, there was to be no back-filling or "B-listing" once we receive declines. We have decided to invite into the second tier. If Tony Stark and Pepper Potts decline, that doesn't mean I have two extra spaces to give to Clint Barton and Natasha Romanoff. 

- LOCATION. Once you have all of the above things worked out, you know everything you need to find a venue (or two, if you'd prefer). You should not choose a location that doesn't work with one of the above - if you have $5,000 to spend on your whole shendig, you probably shouldn't get a venue that costs $1,500, although obviously that's not a must by any means - if I found a venue that needed NO decorating and included a lot of add-ons I would otherwise have to pay out-of-pocket for, I'd maaaaaaybe be willing to drop 30% of my budget on it. (Probably not, though.) The same with capacity - if your dream venue has a capacity of 100 but you're planning on inviting 150, you either need to find another venue or cut your list down. Either one is acceptable; however, having a venue that can't fit all your guests is not. Also, take into account your guests' comfort - if your venue's cap is 150, and you're inviting 150, ask how exactly that 150 is fit in there. If it's cramming all those people in like sardines, I'd move on. Any accessibility needs need to be addressed as well. My perfect venue was a coffee shop I frequented in my later college years. However, the only way to access it was up some stairs. Of my 43 guests, 42 of them can handle stairs. 1 - my grandmother - is in a scooter chair 24/7 and will likely be for the rest of her life. As such, that perfect venue - which was, in fact, perfect in every other way - was crossed off the list.

Also, if you're deadset on getting married in your church (which is a wonderful choice if you have that connection) keep in mind any restrictions it may place on you. This includes size, music choice, clothing choices of you and your bridesmaids, readings, and other things that you may not have thought about. If those are issues that you can deal with, then great! You have a ready-made ceremony venue, at the very least. If not, you need to weigh those with whatever you had pictured and decide if you are willing to compromise on them.

- OFFICIANT. This is the most important thing in planning a wedding, but it does have to come after you decide on a location, because if you decide on a wedding in Huntsville, Alabama, your pastor of your hometown church in Montgomery may not be willing to travel. So look into rent-a-reverends, civil officiants such as judges, or possibly having a friend officiate, if you're able to do so. Also - if you want that pastor, you can certainly consider asking him if he would be willing to travel, and offer to pay whatever expenses he may have in doing so. 

- FOOD. YAY! You have your budget, your must-haves, your guest list, your venue, and your officiant. All the super important stuff is figured out! Now time for fun stuff, the food! You've got lots of options. Cake and punch, hors d'oeurves or "heavy apps", cocktail, brunch, lunch, and dinner are all acceptable, so long as the time of your ceremony is appropriate. Mealtimes - you should have a meal. I designate mealtimes as 8 AM - 11 AM for breakfast or brunch, 11 AM - 1 PM for brunch or lunch, and 4 PM - 8 PM for dinner, generally, although I could certainly be wrong (please correct me!). If your timeline starts in one of those chunks, I'd plan to offer a meal of some sort. A 2 or 3 PM ceremony followed by cake and punch will generally end by 5 or 6 PM, however, so I don't think a dinner would be necessary, although - again - I could be wrong. I do personally thing that an AM ceremony would be best followed by a meal (breakfast / brunch / lunch), but it doesn't have to be complicated. 

Once you've worked out what you'll be serving, generally, you get to go a little more detail-oriented. Which means you get to eat good food! Yay! As long as it's appropriate for the time (and, generally, as long as it fits the formality of your event), you can do whatever you'd like. I've been to weddings with fancy food and I've been to weddings with pulled-pork BBQ. They were all fun, and I've never been to a wedding where I thought the food should have been different. I don't think I'd do black tie and BBQ, personally, but I would totally do BBQ at a more casual shendig, and if you can find a fancier BBQ fusion place, I don't think it would be a bad choice; just gotta match the food to the formality.

- ALCOHOL. This should be taken into account with the food, and budgeted for. NOT HAVING ALCOHOL IS A VALID CHOICE. CASH BARS ARE NOT. Figure out, with your caterer, what your alcohol options are. Also take into account any fees or requirements your venue may have regarding alcohol. Some people host sodas, tea, and water only. These three things (or some combination of non-alcoholic drinks) should always be available, regardless of what comes after. Some people host wine and beer, and no liquor. Some people host wine, beer, and one or two signature cocktails. Some people host well drinks. Some people host top shelf. This can be done by paying $X per person, or sometimes by paying by consumption. The $X per person typically doesn't take into account non-drinkers - all plates are taxed that $X, whether or not they will drink. If you have a lot of people who you know will not drink (underage, don't like drinking, can't drink for whatever reason, etc.), you may consider a consumption bar, as it may work out cheaper for you than a per-person bar. Sit down and figure out what you're able to host for the full length of your reception.

- CAKE. Yummo. My favorite part of any wedding is the part where there's cake. Your cake can be as elaborate or as simple as you'd like, within your budget. Just make sure there's enough for everyone, and that everyone gets at least the same quality of cake. You and your wedding party can't have an elaborate, fancy, saffron-and-gold-flake cake while the rest of your guests get Walmart's leftovers. Everything should be comparable. 

Other options are fine too! Pies, cookies, cupcakes, strawberry shortcake, donuts, fruit. Whatever dessert you want is fine, so long as there is enough for everyone, and any potential allergies or intolerances are taken into account. My grandmother cannot have chocolate, so there will be an option available for her. 

- PHOTOGRAPHY and/or VIDEOGRAPHY. This is one of the largest chunks of change you may spend. It isn't necessary by any means, but there is nothing wrong with wanting good professional pics! If you're on a tight budget, look into photography students at a local university. They can be very inexpensive, and often you can find someone who is very good at it for far less than what you may pay for a wedding photographer. Plus - you're helping to add to their portfolio as well, which I personally enjoy. 

If you want to go with a pro, vet them pretty heavily. And always, always, always have an ironclad contract with ANYONE you choose to go with, with any promised dates specified, a backup plan in the event your photog cannot be there, and - if possible - stipulate that you want your pics backed up in a certain way. There are too many horror stories of lost pics to let this one go. It's an important piece of the planning to a lot of brides and grooms, and it can be extremely sad to lose them, especially if you lost a significant amount of money AND the pro pictures. 

- MUSIC. This is another thing that doesn't really have an effect on the guests, unless your music is too loud or hideously distasteful. If you go with a DJ, s/he will probably ask for a list of must-plays (i.e. your first dance song, if you have one, and any other spotlight dances you have decided on) and a list of do-not-plays. If you go the DIY route, put together a playlist on your computer, in your iTunes, or on Spotify Premium (so it can be available offline). Put your device in Airplane Mode so that you don't get any incoming calls/texts/etc. from well wishers, and set it to play. I believe I've read it suggested that you order it in the way you want to play it, so that the mood doesn't get killed, as opposed to hitting shuffle and letting the Spotify Fates decide for you. Also - consider your crowd. I don't like hardcore rap, so I won't have it anyway, but I have several guests who would be EXTREMELY offended by some of the hardcore rap I've heard. So even if I did enjoy it, I would police the songs pretty extensively and steer away from the super-offensive ones. This goes for every secular genre, and I think it's worth considering in the religious-music arena as well. You're not going to get away with not offending ANYONE, but ... keeping the most offensive songs off the list is generally good choices.

- ATTIRE. Your attire will help decide the formality of the event, along with the venue, the food, and the time. If you want to keep it simple, that's easily done; you get a simple dress, your FI wears a suit. Or even khakis, or blue jeans - the last wedding I went to, the groom was in blue jeans, and it fit the event perfectly. Of course, it's certainly just as easy to take it up as many notches as you want. You can't require your guests to dress a certain way unless you are having a true black tie event, which has a lot of requirements that frankly I don't remember, but your formality level can be shown through a lot of methods, including your venue choice. 

Dresses can be bought for as inexpensively as $50, or even less if you're a good shopper. Your dress does not have to be white! It can be literally any color of the rainbow that you choose. You do not have to buy a Wedding Dress for it to be your wedding dress!!! At the risk of sounding woo-woo, open your mind to other options and the right one will come along!

I did buy my dress before we had anything locked down, I will say. However, it was a fantastic deal and it was, as they say, "The Dress". It was perfect, and perfectly priced. I couldn't pass on it.

- WEDDING PARTY! You get to have your favorite people to be right beside you as you say your vows! Some tips, since this is immensely personal: 

• Your side does not have to be even with your FI's side. If it works out even, YAY! EVEN! If it doesn't, YAY! UNEVEN! Even sides aren't necessary by any means.
• The bride's side does not have to be all girls. Nor does the groom's side have to be all boys. If you want your brother in your wedding, ask him yourself! If your FI wants his sister to be in the wedding, he can ask her himself! 
• If you can pay for their attire, that is a nice gesture and is always appreciated. However, as far as I'm aware, it's not required. IF you require specific accessories, hairstyles, nails, or shoes, RECONSIDER first, and then remember you HAVE to pay for those if you want them to be worn. Attire cost can be on them; accessories should not be.
• If you do not pay for their attire, ask each person's attire budget beforehand. When choosing a dress, choose one within the lowest budget, to ensure everyone can afford it.
• The EASIEST thing is to be okay with mismatched dresses. However, you're within your right to say everything from "Just get something similar to the Sea Glass color DB has" to "Get DB's F14831 in Sea Glass", and anything in between. Just remember that you have to keep the lowest budget in mind, and choose one within that number. It also helps to keep everyone's body style in mind when choosing a dress.
• Wedding party gifts should be similar to what you'd give each person for their birthday. If you give them something to be worn during your wedding, it's not really a gift.
• Finally, remember this: No one has a say in who is standing with you. Conversely, you have no say in who stands with your FI. (The only exception to this is if the person you or another person is objecting to has a history of violence or something equally serious towards someone who will be present; your sister's abusive boyfriend wouldn't make a good choice for your FI's groomsman, and I feel you're allowed to voice that opinion.)

- COLORS, FLOWERS and DECOR. This can be started as early as you like, although you may want to wait until you have a venue to ensure you don't choose hot pink and purple and end up clashing with the venue's decoration. Typically it will be ongoing for quite a while, potentially through your entire planning stage. Your wedding party's attire will be chosen in part based on this, in combination with your formality - as established by your venue, your dress and your FI's attire, and the manner in which you are hosting. Things can still look elegant on a shoestring, and nothing is stopping a "luxury wedding" from being casual. Decor is one of the things that affects no one, so long as your budget is in hand. Decor should not be valued over things that affect guest comfort and enjoyment (food, chairs, etc.), but once all of those things are covered and accounted for, you're free to do as you choose. Themes are NOT necessary, but if you'd like to have a "theme" (other than wedding), that's fine so long as it doesn't actually affect the guests' enjoyment. I would, however, consider steering away from Game of Thrones. Also - you can encourage costumes, if you reeeeeeeally want, but you can't require them.

- INVITES and other paper products. Invites go out ... 6-8 weeks before? I think it is. No sooner than that. I know it's hard - I want to send invites TODAY RIGHT NOW OMG. Save the Dates are 6-9 months (again, not sure), but are NOT required. They're nice, though, if you can do them, especially if there will be a lot of traveling being done by VIPs. Invites can be done at a RANGE of prices, from self-printing to having them hand calligraphed by a professional. Honestly, with a good design you cannot tell a self-printed invite from a Wedding Paper Divas invite. Obviously hand calligraphy is going to be noticeable, but it's entirely an unnecessary expense.

- LICENSE. Last, but absolutely not least, is the license. It is the thing you have to wait the longest on - here in Alabama, you can't get it until 30 days prior to the wedding. Almost everything else can be done before that, and lots of things SHOULD be done before that. However, it's the thing you HAVE to have for your marriage to be recognized by the government, and a lot lot lot of people are still fighting for that right. It's a small expense, and it's "just a piece of paper", but please, please try not to dismiss its importance. Without it, you are not able to legally be married. With it, you are. There's no going back to single once that license is filed, unless you get a divorce or your spouse dies.

Hope that was comprehensive enough! OP, stick around and you'll get some FANTASTIC advise, dispensed in an honest tone. There are some things I left out - programs, for instance, and I'm sure other things, but those are the high points.