Mother-in-law overplanning wedding?

Knottie47826151

My future MIL has lots of strong opinions and expresses those opinions harshly. Despite my best efforts, we don't have much of a relationship and she never responds to my outreach. My FH is the sweetest son of 9 and the first boy to be married. She's married off daughters before, so she seems to be assuming the MOB role and over complicating a lot of non-issues. I asked to pay for my own wedding but she insisted on paying for food (because she wants to cook all of it from scratch, which is nice but not something I asked for). It seems she also decides to pay for things when I am doing something in a way she doesn't like. I've tried to be accommodating and stay one step ahead of her but she always finds something I'm doing wrong/not how she wants it. I just want her to be able to relax and enjoy the wedding but I don't think she wants that. How can I get control of my wedding without totally burning bridges with my future family? My FH loves and honors them dearly but I just can't seem to have any breakthroughs. I'm independent, have a large budget, and really enjoy wedding planning--but this has made me want to run away and elope because none of it seems like it's about US anymore.  

mikenberger

Knottie47826151 said:

My future MIL has lots of strong opinions and expresses those opinions harshly. Despite my best efforts, we don't have much of a relationship and she never responds to my outreach. My FH is the sweetest son of 9 and the first boy to be married. She's married off daughters before, so she seems to be assuming the MOB role and over complicating a lot of non-issues. I asked to pay for my own wedding but she insisted on paying for food (because she wants to cook all of it from scratch, which is nice but not something I asked for). It seems she also decides to pay for things when I am doing something in a way she doesn't like. I've tried to be accommodating and stay one step ahead of her but she always finds something I'm doing wrong/not how she wants it. I just want her to be able to relax and enjoy the wedding but I don't think she wants that. How can I get control of my wedding without totally burning bridges with my future family? My FH loves and honors them dearly but I just can't seem to have any breakthroughs. I'm independent, have a large budget, and really enjoy wedding planning--but this has made me want to run away and elope because none of it seems like it's about US anymore.  

Your FI needs to step in. Not you. It's his mother, his problem. He should be backing you up on this. I would talk to my FI about my concerns and see if he shares them and how he can remedy them.

I would definitely put a stop to the cooking of the food by her. Food should be provided by a caterer or other professional. There are too many variables: cleanliness, food storage, food preparation etc that are involved with feeding people. The last thing you want is a bunch of sick guests.

badbnagdway

Is your wedding this May? Because if so, this issue needs to be resolved ASAP. Your FI needs to have the difficult conversation with her and turn down her help or limit her role to a point where you are both comfortable. Unless you are having a very small wedding, like 30 people or less, I think it's a terrible idea for a family member to do the catering. Even with a small crowd that's a lot of responsibility. 

You also need to not talk to her about the wedding. If she brings wedding stuff up, you need to say "yeah, wedding planning is going fine, pass the bean dip!". 

theyllcallmemrs

I have the same issue. We're getting married at the end of May and my fiance's mother has decided that being a part of every decision isn't enough for her...nor has taking over 7 of the 10 hotel rooms for immediate family and forcing my family in rooms from which they'll have to move halfway through their stay. My fiance decided we all needed to sit down and talk it out...which ended in her attacking my family for neglecting her, me for apparently needing to be on a pedestal (when i've never once asked for the spotlight, even when she turned my bridal shower into being all about her) and lying to my face about several things other people have said.

Just be glad she hasn't gone into the marina trench of crazy and tried to guilt you by saying she was contemplating suicide in the hours leading up to the last time she flipped out on you over not letting her have every single thing her way.

I'm at the point where my fiance is going to be dealing with her from now on and is in charge of keeping her at bay. I talked with him and told him he needs to put his foot down with her, regardless of how difficult it is. You can't fight crazy, but the child of crazy might be able to calm it a little, That's your best bet. He needs to tell her that you are his family now and if she can't learn to respect you, it's going to cause a ridiculously unnecessary level of stress.

Knottie65544907

My future MIL is trying to control things too. Keeps bringing up things she wants us to add in (ie another unity thing that neither of us like and an additional guest book when we already have one) and she informed my FI that her sister is coming to the rehearsal. Umm no she's not, especially since she didn't check if it was ok first. Anyway, I told FI that anything else she does between now and the wedding he has to deal with because I cannot handle one more thing from her right now. Maybe you should try that!