Adding friend's Mom/childcare

anjemon

I think this has been discussed before, but I can't remember what the Etiquette mavens said.

So here's my deal: My friend from high school has two kids. She and her husband and their two kids are planning to come to the wedding. When I saw her at the bridal shower last weekend, she mentioned that her mother was planning to come along for the wedding weekend and watch the kids. Her mom was just planning to come along so she can watch the kids in the evening (my friend's plan). 

We have had a number of declines and our guest list is looking really good. So I'm considering inviting her mother to come to the ceremony/reception. Is this considered b-listing? I don't want to be rude, I just want her mom to enjoy herself before she watches the kids and I think she might enjoy seeing the ceremony and having dinner. She will probably also know some of my Mom's friends.

Tl;dr: Is adding a guest for my friend after the RSVP deadline considered rude?

madamerwin

I can't say for sure from an etiquette standpoint, but if I were your friend or your friend's mom, I would not be in any way be offended by the late invitation. Considering you JUST found out the mom was going to be in town, I think it's nice courtesy.

We had something kind of similar happen, but it happened early enough to add the extra people to our guest list before invitations go out: Our friends' mom was planning on coming to town to take care of their daughter the evening of our wedding (like, pick the kid up from the reception when the parents were ready for her to go home). So we just added the friends' parents to our guest list, since we had room in the budget for two more people. Plus we know these friends' parents well, so it didn't seem weird to invite them regardless.

JellyBean52513

anjemon said:

I think this has been discussed before, but I can't remember what the Etiquette mavens said.

So here's my deal: My friend from high school has two kids. She and her husband and their two kids are planning to come to the wedding. When I saw her at the bridal shower last weekend, she mentioned that her mother was planning to come along for the wedding weekend and watch the kids. Her mom was just planning to come along so she can watch the kids in the evening (my friend's plan). 

We have had a number of declines and our guest list is looking really good. So I'm considering inviting her mother to come to the ceremony/reception. Is this considered b-listing? I don't want to be rude, I just want her mom to enjoy herself before she watches the kids and I think she might enjoy seeing the ceremony and having dinner. She will probably also know some of my Mom's friends.

Tl;dr: Is adding a guest for my friend after the RSVP deadline considered rude?

From an etiquette standpoint, I wouldn't consider this B-listing. You weren't originally considering inviting the mom and were just waiting for declines to free up some spots so you could fit her in; THAT is B-Listing. I think what you're doing is very considerate and generous: you just found out that your guests are bringing along a babysitter for their own convenience, and as it turns out you happen to know the babysitter and would like to extend an invitation for her to attend the wedding. As long as everyone invited is invited to both the ceremony and reception and YOU aren't requiring that the mom and kids leave at any point, I think you're good.

Dreamergirl8812

Nope, not B-listing. What you're doing is very nice.

But, an invite is a full invite. So no implying that mom is only there to babysit, and no parenting advice. You haven't indicated that you would do this at all, OP, but a lot of brides come here wanting to tell their guests that there will be lots of drinking, or little Jimmy will be bored, it will be past his bedtime, or whatever.

Graciously invite mom, but avoid "great, she can take the little one home after dinner," or "mom can entertain the kid outside while the adults party" type of talk. Even if you don't require those things, the wrong verbiage can be condescending and insulting.

anjemon

Thanks everyone. I'll extend her mother the invitation. She is welcome to come and go as she pleases with all the other guests.

There will be other children at the wedding, probably there the whole night. So I'm cool with them wanting to stay and they don't need to leave at any point. She and the kids are welcome to stay all night as far as I'm concerned. Totally up the parents when anyone heads to bed.

loveislouder

I'm confused. If her mom is coming to watch the kids while they party the night away, she won't be able to come to the reception because she's watching the kids? No?

[Deleted User]

loveislouder said:

I'm confused. If her mom is coming to watch the kids while they party the night away, she won't be able to come to the reception because she's watching the kids? No?

Yes, sorta.  She can watch the kids AT the reception while the parents party the night away at the reception.  And if one of the kids starts to crash, gramma can take the kids to the hotel to bed while the parents continue to party the night away.

loveislouder

adk19 said:

loveislouder said:

I'm confused. If her mom is coming to watch the kids while they party the night away, she won't be able to come to the reception because she's watching the kids? No?

Yes, sorta.  She can watch the kids AT the reception while the parents party the night away at the reception.  And if one of the kids starts to crash, gramma can take the kids to the hotel to bed while the parents continue to party the night away.

Ohhhh. I didn't think the kids were invited to the reception. Duh lol

anjemon

loveislouder said:

adk19 said:

loveislouder said:

I'm confused. If her mom is coming to watch the kids while they party the night away, she won't be able to come to the reception because she's watching the kids? No?

Yes, sorta.  She can watch the kids AT the reception while the parents party the night away at the reception.  And if one of the kids starts to crash, gramma can take the kids to the hotel to bed while the parents continue to party the night away.

Ohhhh. I didn't think the kids were invited to the reception. Duh lol

@adk19 is right, the kids are invited to the ceremony/reception. My friend is just planning on alternate child care so she and her hubby can hang out or whatever they want. So I don't mind if they stick around, totally up to all the parents.

Fairyjen1

   I sort of had this happen to me. My sister and BIL were invited to a wedding of a co-worker (BIL and I work for the same company in different cities, I don't know this co-worker well at all). My 3 year old nephew was asked to be ring bearer. Children were invited to the reception, but my sister wasn't sure if he'd make it all night so she asked me to come out to visit and she'd text me to pick him up when he got tired. No problem, I love to babysit my nephew

   co-worker (the bride) heard of the plan and verbally invited me a couple days before to come along and have dinner at the reception if I wanted. I didn't, because I already had plans of my own.

 I wasn't the least bit offended because it was in the spirit of, 'Hey, since you are in town anyway come have some food and booze! The more the merrier' rather than a B-list second tier guest situation.