Sister not coming to the wedding

Knottie97024843

I'm not going to mince words, my sister has been a royal pain ever since she found out I was getting married.  We had to change our wedding date, TWICE, to accommodate her being my maid of honor.  We changed the flowers, the location, the menu, and the dresses just to make her happy.  All the while, I'm crying and upset and taking it out on my Fiance (Who has been a total prince during all of this).  Long story short, on Easter, my sister and her family were over for dinner, and she started whining and complaining about something else she didn't like about MY wedding.  My Fiance finally snapped.  He, very loudly, told her that this was MY day, not hers, she wasn't contributing a dime to pay for anything, and he was done letting her upset me and get her way when it was OUR wedding.  Well, my sister abruptly packed up her family and left.  Yesterday, I receive a text from her saying that they would not be attending my wedding as maid of honor, junior bridesmaid or as guests.  My mom now wants my Fiance to apologize to my sister.  Not going to happen.  Yes, I'm glad I don't have to deal with her as far as the decision making goes, but I'm kind of upset that she won't be there at all.  Should I ask my Fiance to apologize, even though he did nothing wrong?  Or should I just go on and have a great time and let it be? 

novella1186

Knottie97024843 said:

I'm not going to mince words, my sister has been a royal pain ever since she found out I was getting married.  We had to change our wedding date, TWICE, to accommodate her being my maid of honor.  We changed the flowers, the location, the menu, and the dresses just to make her happy.  All the while, I'm crying and upset and taking it out on my Fiance (Who has been a total prince during all of this).  Long story short, on Easter, my sister and her family were over for dinner, and she started whining and complaining about something else she didn't like about MY wedding.  My Fiance finally snapped.  He, very loudly, told her that this was MY day, not hers, she wasn't contributing a dime to pay for anything, and he was done letting her upset me and get her way when it was OUR wedding.  Well, my sister abruptly packed up her family and left.  Yesterday, I receive a text from her saying that they would not be attending my wedding as maid of honor, junior bridesmaid or as guests.  My mom now wants my Fiance to apologize to my sister.  Not going to happen.  Yes, I'm glad I don't have to deal with her as far as the decision making goes, but I'm kind of upset that she won't be there at all.  Should I ask my Fiance to apologize, even though he did nothing wrong?  Or should I just go on and have a great time and let it be? 

Your sister sounds a lot like my sister. I think your mistake was bending over backwards to accommodate her. The more you did that, the more she thought she could control everything. You finally try to stand your ground and she throws a major tantrum. 

Sounds like it was about damn time someone stood up to her, but it should have been you. Don't respond to her tantrum or her shitty text messages, and tell your mom to butt out. This is none of her business. 

Ignore the bullshit and just continue on with your plans. 

I bet she sent that text just to try to scare you into bending over backwards for her yet again. Call her bluff and let her skip your wedding if that's what she wants to do. She's the one who's gonna look like an asshole. 

CMGragain

I would call her bluff.  Send her a note that you will miss her at your wedding.  I bet she shows up!

If your mother wants your FI to apologize to your sister, then she needs to tell him herself, and not use you as a go-between.  Don't play this game.

MyNameIsNot

"I'm sorry to hear that; you will be missed." Lather, rinse, repeat.

I'm glad your FI stood up for you, but raising his voice and bringing up money was not the way to do it. Instead, you should have long ago told her that your wedding plans are not open for discussion and refused to listen to her complain about whatever she has an issue with, without losing your cool. 

It wouldn't be outside of the realm of reason for your FI to apologize for raising his voice only, but it's probably better to just let it die. Your mom needs to butt out. You aren't children anymore and you don't need her to intervene between you and your sister.

Jen4948

MyNameIsNot said:

"I'm sorry to hear that; you will be missed." Lather, rinse, repeat.

I'm glad your FI stood up for you, but raising his voice and bringing up money was not the way to do it. Instead, you should have long ago told her that your wedding plans are not open for discussion and refused to listen to her complain about whatever she has an issue with, without losing your cool. 

It wouldn't be outside of the realm of reason for your FI to apologize for raising his voice only, but it's probably better to just let it die. Your mom needs to butt out. You aren't children anymore and you don't need her to intervene between you and your sister.

All of this. It's your sister's decision to get her panties in a wad, throw a temper tantrum, and storm off because you and your FI stopped being willing to accommodate her every demand. If she's going to act like that, no apology will ever do anything but make her think she can continue to reign supreme, and what's to stop her from doing it again. It's time for everyone to act like adults and not coddle her childishness any more - including your mother. As a PP said, she needs to butt out.

littlepep

I agree with PPs. Yelling probably wasn't the best way to handle it, but I understand your FI's frustration. 

I would wash my hands of this. If your sister wants to be a brat, let her. 

novella1186

Jen4948 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

"I'm sorry to hear that; you will be missed." Lather, rinse, repeat.

I'm glad your FI stood up for you, but raising his voice and bringing up money was not the way to do it. Instead, you should have long ago told her that your wedding plans are not open for discussion and refused to listen to her complain about whatever she has an issue with, without losing your cool. 

It wouldn't be outside of the realm of reason for your FI to apologize for raising his voice only, but it's probably better to just let it die. Your mom needs to butt out. You aren't children anymore and you don't need her to intervene between you and your sister.

All of this. It's your sister's decision to get her panties in a wad, throw a temper tantrum, and storm off because you and your FI stopped being willing to accommodate her every demand. If she's going to act like that, no apology will ever do anything but make her think she can continue to reign supreme, and what's to stop her from doing it again. It's time for everyone to act like adults and not coddle her childishness any more - including your mother. As a PP said, she needs to butt out.

the bolded is so so so true.

When my sister went psycho at our engagement party and screamed cuss words and insults at me (for reasons which were never explained) I was so concerned with calming her down and "fixing" things that I apologized to her. I said "I'm so sorry for whatever I did that upset you." She attacked me AGAIN in response to that apology, because how dare I not know what I did. It was a fucking rubik's cube of a situation. Nothing I said was good enough, no apology was good enough. She seriously wanted me to grovel and beg. Well, no. I tired. I'm done. Fuck off.

Seriously, stop accommodating her and stop enabling her and stop bowing down to her. She will never be happy, no matter how much you do for her, and you will never be happy because you will constantly be sacrificing things for her sake and it will never be enough. So let her fuck off to crazy town and ignore her. If I could get in a time machine and go back to the beginning of my sister's abuse, I would do exactly what I've told you. 

downtondiva

I'm a little confused as to why you changed so much in your wedding to accommodate your sister, but since that ship has sailed, all you can do now is tell her you're sorry she won't be there and see if she still shows up. While your FI probably should've reacted to her more calmly than he did, neither of you should apologize for this. It will only make her thing that she's right and that she can continue trying to dictate your wedding. 

thespeshulestsnowflake

scribe95 said:

Why in the world would you change food and flowers for her? You should have shut this done from the beginning. It probably would have avoided a big blow like what occurred. Let it lie and see if she is truly serious I guess. 

This. The date and BM dress I get, but why cave to these if she isn't paying?

minttobemrsb

The only thing I might apologize for was raising my voice at her while with your family. But do NOT let him apologize for standing up for you. Unfortunately, your sister sounds like a whiny brat. 

PS: Why did you change so many things for her??? She can have whatever food and flowers she wants when SHE gets married. 

ETA: words...I'm not finished with my coffee...

AddieCake

Yeah, I don't get why you changed aspects of your wedding to accommodate her in the first place. The date, maybe once, but detail elements? Nope. Just ignore her. Your fiancé did nothing wrong. If she chooses to remove herself from the wedding and your life because she's an ass,that's on her. We all make choices.

southernbelle0915

Why is your mom involving herself in the business of other adults? Y'all aren't children anymore and saying stuff like "you should apologize!" is patronizing at best. It's probably why your sister still acts like a temper tantrum throwing, ultimatum giving child - your mom enables it. Stop the cycle!

Tell your mom to back off. And call your sister's bluff. Tell her "I'm sorry to hear that, we'll miss y'all." And let your sister throw herself a little temper tantrum. I'm sure your mom will be there to comfort her.

[Deleted User]

southernbelle0915 said:

Why is your mom involving herself in the business of other adults? Y'all aren't children anymore and saying stuff like "you should apologize!" is patronizing at best. It's probably why your sister still acts like a temper tantrum throwing, ultimatum giving child - your mom enables it. Stop the cycle!

Tell your mom to back off. And call your sister's bluff. Tell her "I'm sorry to hear that, we'll miss y'all." And let your sister throw herself a little temper tantrum. I'm sure your mom will be there to comfort her.

My mom tells me all the time that I should call my sister.  It makes me not want to call my sister.

I say, let your sister fester.  Send her a wedding invitation when it's time to mail them out, but otherwise no details about anything wedding related.  If she shows up in the bridesmaid dress, she can be a bridesmaid.  If she shows up in another dress, she can be a guest.  If she doesn't show up, she can be an ass.

PrettyGirlLost

downtondiva said:

I'm a little confused as to why you changed so much in your wedding to accommodate your sister, but since that ship has sailed, all you can do now is tell her you're sorry she won't be there and see if she still shows up. While your FI probably should've reacted to her more calmly than he did, neither of you should apologize for this. It will only make her thing that she's right and that she can continue trying to dictate your wedding. 

AND OP can now change the food, flowers, everything back to what she had originally wanted, lol.

Politely but firmly tell your mom to butt out.  Your FI did what you should have done long ago- put your foot down and told her NO in no uncertain terms.

And whoop de doo that he "raised his voice" in front of your family.  People tend to get loud when they are pissed the fuck off, shocking, I know! 

Hell Italians get loud when they are having a good time too.  Come on over for a holiday dinner sometime and see ;-)

theartistformerlyknownas

Cool, more cake for other people.

[Deleted User]

I agree with the PP who said, now change whatever you can back to what you originally wanted. Did FI need to yell, no, but who can blame him. And good for him for standing up for you. To your mom I would just say, I'm sorry but FI isn't going to apologize, we've been bening over backwards to accomodate her and all she does is continue to complain. This is our day and it's going to be the way we want it. I also agree with PP who said to just respond "I'm sorry to hear that, you'll be missed" to your sister. Because you are being truthful, you will miss her. But it's time to stop letting her control things and by telling her that, you are telling her that I will no longer let you control my life and your behaviour will not be tolerated. Go ahead & plan for her to be there and have flowers, etc. If she doesn't show, you don't have a MOH which sucks, but do you really want someone standing up for you that doesn't support you? If she doesn't show you can use her flowers for an anniversary dance gift to the bride that has been married the longest. Plan for them to be there, if they don't show, their lose. In the end, she will be the one who needs to come and apologize.

 

notdoingitbythebook

Your FH is not the one who needs to issue an apology.

Good for him finally standing up to the bitch. She deserved it... so does your mother for interfering.

Now I hope you can change things back to what you want.