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5 Reasons We Can't Handle Marriage Anymore

This article showed up in my FB newsfeed this morning, and after reading it, I had many thoughts. First one: I think this guy is a total jackass. 


All he does is give reasons why HIS marriage didn't work. This is no way speaks for the rest of America. So I'm going to break down all his ridiculous reasons. 

If you and your spouse are only having sex once every few weeks, THERE IS A PROBLEM. You should be connecting with your SO every day on some intimate level. Whether or not that means sex is up to you. You know who I barely had sex with? My ex-husband. Because I was miserable and not in love. 

"Finances cripple us" - Yes, if you don't handle your finances properly. Do my H and I fight about money? Yes. But it's not something that tears us apart. If we realize there's a problem in this area, we fix it. We communicate constantly about money coming in, what bills have to be paid, etc. It's a discussion, not a fight. 

"Completely disconnected" - my H and I have nights where we put our phones away and spend all night just talking to each other. When we're away on vacation, our phones are off. Do we text? Sure. By that's not our only way of communication! We eat dinner together every single night. We have lunch together during the week. That's how you stay connected! 

"Social media/seeking attention" - if you or your spouse is seeking attention through social media by constantly posting provocative pictures of them self, there is a problem. That is not normal. I, along with married people I know, are not posting half naked pics on Facebook or Instagram. If you're so concerned with what others think of you through social media, you need to seek out therapy. 

And his last point - again, put your fucking phone down. That's what my H and I do. Disconnect! Just because you (the author) can't do it, doesn't mean that others can't and won't! And if you feel that your partner is spending too much time online, looking at their phone, SAY SOMETHING. Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship! 

Ok, rant over. Now tell me all your thoughts too. 
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Re: 5 Reasons We Can't Handle Marriage Anymore

  • I generally dislike any FB post about marriage that makes the rounds like this one, because the advice usually boils down to generalizing people and giving them "advice" that amounts to BS. There's a picture that pops up sometimes, usually a stock photo of an older couple nuzzling, and over it there's a thing about some person who asked an older couple how they stayed together so long, and they said, "We come from a generation where if something was broke, you fixed it instead of throwing it away." Or something. And it's always posted by a friend who comments, "Well said!" It makes me want to scream.
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  • Who are all these people that he thinks are having sex once a month and calling it a chore? Because we've had polls on here where the vast majority of us admit to having sex 3+ times a week. And even those who have it less say they are happy and content with the amount they have.

    I rage about the finances comment. Oooo our grandparents didn't have student loans. They still raised on average 4 kids with one salary! Their mortgages were the same 30% of their income as they are now. Most couldn't even afford "luxuries" such a big color TV's. Vacations were maybe a road trip to a National Park every few years. I will never sit there and say my grandparents had it financially easier than me.

    Cell phone/ connection is just stupid too. We have plenty of nights where we don't touch our phones and we just cuddle and rub each other's backs. If we're waiting for a table at a restaurant, and my husband starts dicking around on his phone, I take the iniative and tell him "hey, I'm right here, put it down and talk to me" and he does. Sometimes you have to just ask for what you want instead of sitting there silent and pissy at him for doing that.

     

                                                                     

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  • I have to say, while I agree that this article is a generalization of why HIS marriage did not work, I do think there is truth to his points. 

    To his points:

    1. Obviously, it is important to be intimate (not just sex either, but other ways like hugging, holding hands, etc.) 

    2. Obviously, it is important to not spend more than you make and save for the future.  I do feel that this is a problem for couples in our generation bc life is so damn expensive.  Then again, choose the 1,500 sq foot house instead of a 3,000 sq foot house and the car that is basic and gets good gas mileage instead of the tricked out SUV.

    3. Communicate IN REAL LIFE. Duh. 

    4. and 5.  I'm probably biased on this one bc I hate social media (this is really the only site I am an active participant on).   I think people overshare everything on facebook, twitter etc. Nothing is special and nothing is private anymore.  I do think that is a big problem.  I am not on any of those sites and neither is my husband.

    Anyway, that's just my two cents.

  • I generally dislike any FB post about marriage that makes the rounds like this one, because the advice usually boils down to generalizing people and giving them "advice" that amounts to BS. There's a picture that pops up sometimes, usually a stock photo of an older couple nuzzling, and over it there's a thing about some person who asked an older couple how they stayed together so long, and they said, "We come from a generation where if something was broke, you fixed it instead of throwing it away." Or something. And it's always posted by a friend who comments, "Well said!" It makes me want to scream.

    I can't stand that picture that goes around either. Sure, you "fixed it". You also came from a generation where you stayed married to an abusive alcoholic, and turned the blind eye to your kid being sexually abused. (happened to my MIL which is why she's such a nut case now). I'm happy that women speak up and get divorced now, rather than stay in a situation like that.

                                                                     

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  • I just skimmed the article and holy cow. What's with all the yous? "You do this wrong," "You do that wrong." Buddy, I don't do those things, and neither does my FI. I feel sorry for anyone who's ever taken "advice" from this guy's column.
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  • This article is so ridiculous. It's basically a list of reason why his marriage didn't work out. Sorry you and your wife weren't compatible, but that doesn't mean other people's marriages don't work. 
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  • jenna8984 said:

    I generally dislike any FB post about marriage that makes the rounds like this one, because the advice usually boils down to generalizing people and giving them "advice" that amounts to BS. There's a picture that pops up sometimes, usually a stock photo of an older couple nuzzling, and over it there's a thing about some person who asked an older couple how they stayed together so long, and they said, "We come from a generation where if something was broke, you fixed it instead of throwing it away." Or something. And it's always posted by a friend who comments, "Well said!" It makes me want to scream.

    I can't stand that picture that goes around either. Sure, you "fixed it". You also came from a generation where you stayed married to an abusive alcoholic, and turned the blind eye to your kid being sexually abused. (happened to my MIL which is why she's such a nut case now). I'm happy that women speak up and get divorced now, rather than stay in a situation like that.
    For a couple years I shared a house with a woman who was only a few years older than me, but very religious and didn't like divorce. When a friend of mine was going through a rough patch in her marriage and was considering divorce, I mentioned it to my housemate, who looked like I had just told her something truly awful and said, "Well, I'm sure they'll work it out. They have to." They didn't. Within a few months, they were getting a divorce. I don't understand why this is considered such a horrible thing. People break up all the time. Divorcing is just a legal breaking up. Sure, it can suck, but I hate the whole, "If you had just worked harder" bit. How do you know they didn't? Why should she be miserable the rest of her life because she didn't work enough to a third party's standards?
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  • It just seems to me as deflecting and making excuses for why a marriage wouldn't work today, rather than being introspective and taking responsibility for his own failures.

    If your marriage doesn't have enough intimacy/sex, it's on you to change that. If you have too much debt and can't afford to spend money on the things you really want, come up with a plan and change that. If your partner is over-sharing on social media or only communicating via text, change that. 

    Rather than blame "kids today," take a look at yourself and figure out what you can do to make your marriage better. The only piece of one size fits all advice I'd take about marriage is that it takes work to keep it great. 
  • beachyone15beachyone15 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited April 2015
    I've seen this stupid article re-posted by 3 of my friends on facebook. It gets an eye-roll every time.

    So cell phones and facebook ended your marriage...

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    Edited bc I can't spell this early.


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  • I've seen this on my FB 4 times now. I get really tired of seeing how "phones ruin your relationship" and "social media ruins your relationship." I'm sorry, but if you LET those things ruin your relationship, that's on you. Yes, I agree, put the phone down and actually talk. Spend time together without both of you staring at your phone. BUT, I also think that if phones, social media, and lack of sex are tearing apart your marriage, there are more serious things going on. I always think to myself, there must be a reason they aren't having sex or there must be a reason why instagram and twitter are more interesting than listening to your husband/wife. I think that biggest problem is that people don't talk...like, ever. I don't just mean physically talking. I mean sitting down and talking about the things going on in their marriage. People just want to ignore it ad pretend everything is fine. I would much rather see a happy divorced couple than people staying in an unhappy marriage. 
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  • I hate when these stupid fucking articles make the rounds on facebook, and I never read them. Like, who the hell is this guy anyway? Unless he is some sort of relationships expert, he is not speaking on any real authority.
  • This is really infuriating to me. 

    Any marriage in which the relationship isn't prioritized will fail. That's obvious. Every single point he made were descriptors to that point. 

    It sounds like his marriage failed because neither wanted to take care of the relationship first. The idea that social media can be a major factor to a failed marriage is just asinine to me. 
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  • jenna8984 said:

    I generally dislike any FB post about marriage that makes the rounds like this one, because the advice usually boils down to generalizing people and giving them "advice" that amounts to BS. There's a picture that pops up sometimes, usually a stock photo of an older couple nuzzling, and over it there's a thing about some person who asked an older couple how they stayed together so long, and they said, "We come from a generation where if something was broke, you fixed it instead of throwing it away." Or something. And it's always posted by a friend who comments, "Well said!" It makes me want to scream.

    I can't stand that picture that goes around either. Sure, you "fixed it". You also came from a generation where you stayed married to an abusive alcoholic, and turned the blind eye to your kid being sexually abused. (happened to my MIL which is why she's such a nut case now). I'm happy that women speak up and get divorced now, rather than stay in a situation like that.
    For a couple years I shared a house with a woman who was only a few years older than me, but very religious and didn't like divorce. When a friend of mine was going through a rough patch in her marriage and was considering divorce, I mentioned it to my housemate, who looked like I had just told her something truly awful and said, "Well, I'm sure they'll work it out. They have to." They didn't. Within a few months, they were getting a divorce. I don't understand why this is considered such a horrible thing. People break up all the time. Divorcing is just a legal breaking up. Sure, it can suck, but I hate the whole, "If you had just worked harder" bit. How do you know they didn't? Why should she be miserable the rest of her life because she didn't work enough to a third party's standards?
    That makes me mad too. My parents got divorced and it was honestly the best thing. They are both so much happier and my relationship with my dad is a 1000 times better. 

    Obviously no one should go in thinking well I can always get divorced, but sometimes it's the best decision. Life is too short to be unhappy. 
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  • I've seen this on my FB 4 times now. I get really tired of seeing how "phones ruin your relationship" and "social media ruins your relationship." I'm sorry, but if you LET those things ruin your relationship, that's on you. Yes, I agree, put the phone down and actually talk. Spend time together without both of you staring at your phone. BUT, I also think that if phones, social media, and lack of sex are tearing apart your marriage, there are more serious things going on. I always think to myself, there must be a reason they aren't having sex or there must be a reason why instagram and twitter are more interesting than listening to your husband/wife. I think that biggest problem is that people don't talk...like, ever. I don't just mean physically talking. I mean sitting down and talking about the things going on in their marriage. People just want to ignore it ad pretend everything is fine. I would much rather see a happy divorced couple than people staying in an unhappy marriage. 

    Seriously. Anyone who says that is someone who isn't willing to take responsibility for their own actions. "I'm not the reason my relationship didn't work! My phone and social media are! And I can't just NOT use those things, even for a second!"
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  • I hate when these stupid fucking articles make the rounds on facebook, and I never read them. Like, who the hell is this guy anyway? Unless he is some sort of relationships expert, he is not speaking on any real authority.

    But he knows everything about relationships, because he was married for 2 years and is now divorced! 
  • All I got out of this guy's blabbering is that he's using his platform as a "journalist" to talk about his personal problems like they aren't personal - like they're some kind of national epidemic. OK buddy....keep telling yourself that.

    And how did his editor let this one slide?
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  • All I got out of this guy's blabbering is that he's using his platform as a "journalist" to talk about his personal problems like they aren't personal - like they're some kind of national epidemic. OK buddy....keep telling yourself that.

    And how did his editor let this one slide?

    Because it's not about useful advice - it's about the PR of a viral article.

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  • I hate when these stupid fucking articles make the rounds on facebook, and I never read them. Like, who the hell is this guy anyway? Unless he is some sort of relationships expert, he is not speaking on any real authority.

    But he knows everything about relationships, because he was married for 2 years and is now divorced! 
    Hey, I've now been married twice and divorced once! Oh, and I once dated a married (but separated) dude. That must make me some sort of super expert!
  • edited April 2015

    All I got out of this guy's blabbering is that he's using his platform as a "journalist" to talk about his personal problems like they aren't personal - like they're some kind of national epidemic. OK buddy....keep telling yourself that.

    And how did his editor let this one slide?



    I would say 90% of viral articles are the bolded. I stopped reading Thought Catalog and Elite Daily (which is like the unholy offspring of Thought Catalog and Buzzfeed) because those articles are so self-indulgent.

    It's one thing if you're writing into the void, hoping someone agrees with you. It's another thing to write assuming EVERYONE agrees with you.

    ETA: Anyone remember/read that article that went viral about a year ago titled "23 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Get Engaged Before 23"? It was like this article with half the calories, twice the narcissism.

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  • I also had this article pop up on my newsfeed. I agree with @emmaaa's assessment: "As much as I agree with parts of this article, I disagree with it more. Yes, there are new obstacles that can make marriage hard, but that by no means that "marriage doesn't work.""

    I think most of us struggle with a lot of the issues mentioned, but I don't think there is anything that is intrinsically harder about marriage now and marriage historically. It's my understanding that divorce has actually had a slightly downward trend at least in the U.S. in very recent years (4% in 2000, 3.4% in 2012, at least per one set of demographics). 

    climbingwife, you have to combat it and work to be personally connected, both in your romantic relationship and in your other relationships. FI and I also have date nights where we go phone and tv free and just talk, make dinner, play board games, etc. That really helps a lot. 


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  • All I got out of this guy's blabbering is that he's using his platform as a "journalist" to talk about his personal problems like they aren't personal - like they're some kind of national epidemic. OK buddy....keep telling yourself that.

    And how did his editor let this one slide?



    I would say 90% of viral articles are the bolded. I stopped reading Thought Catalog and Elite Daily (which is like the unholy offspring of Thought Catalog and Buzzfeed) because those articles are so self-indulgent.

    It's one thing if you're writing into the void, hoping someone agrees with you. It's another thing to write assuming EVERYONE agrees with you.

    ETA: Anyone remember/read that article that went viral about a year ago titled "23 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Get Engaged Before 23"? It was like this article with half the calories, twice the narcissism.

    The articles like the bolded royally piss me off. 

  • emmaaa said:

    All I got out of this guy's blabbering is that he's using his platform as a "journalist" to talk about his personal problems like they aren't personal - like they're some kind of national epidemic. OK buddy....keep telling yourself that.

    And how did his editor let this one slide?



    I would say 90% of viral articles are the bolded. I stopped reading Thought Catalog and Elite Daily (which is like the unholy offspring of Thought Catalog and Buzzfeed) because those articles are so self-indulgent.

    It's one thing if you're writing into the void, hoping someone agrees with you. It's another thing to write assuming EVERYONE agrees with you.

    ETA: Anyone remember/read that article that went viral about a year ago titled "23 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Get Engaged Before 23"? It was like this article with half the calories, twice the narcissism.

    The articles like the bolded royally piss me off. 

    Me too! I hate articles written by single people assuming marriage means you don't travel or "live life" anymore, and on the flip side I also hate articles written by married people assuming single life is just one big party and sexual encounter after another.
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  • emmaaa said:

    All I got out of this guy's blabbering is that he's using his platform as a "journalist" to talk about his personal problems like they aren't personal - like they're some kind of national epidemic. OK buddy....keep telling yourself that.

    And how did his editor let this one slide?



    I would say 90% of viral articles are the bolded. I stopped reading Thought Catalog and Elite Daily (which is like the unholy offspring of Thought Catalog and Buzzfeed) because those articles are so self-indulgent.

    It's one thing if you're writing into the void, hoping someone agrees with you. It's another thing to write assuming EVERYONE agrees with you.

    ETA: Anyone remember/read that article that went viral about a year ago titled "23 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Get Engaged Before 23"? It was like this article with half the calories, twice the narcissism.

    The articles like the bolded royally piss me off. 
    Me too! I hate articles written by single people assuming marriage means you don't travel or "live life" anymore, and on the flip side I also hate articles written by married people assuming single life is just one big party and sexual encounter after another.


    Exactly. I saw one that once said, 30 reason you should be single until you're 30. It would say things about going to parties and traveling and having fun. Uhm, I've done that with my DH since I was 17.

  • anjemonanjemon member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    edited April 2015
    emmaaa said: princessgracekelly said: emmaaa said: princessgracekelly said:Me too! I hate articles written by single people assuming marriage means you don't travel or "live life" anymore, and on the flip side I also hate articles written by married people assuming single life is just one big party and sexual encounter after another.
    emmaaa said:BOXBOXBOXBOXBOX

    Exactly. I saw one that once said, 30 reason you should be single until you're 30. It would say things about going to parties and traveling and having fun. Uhm, I've done that with my DH since I was 17.
    ----------------------------BOX-----------------------------------------

    I'm much more likely to do that with my FI than before we were dating. FI likes bar crawls and going fun places. I'm shy and kind of a homebody, I would never do those things by myself. And I never had the type of friends who were into doing those things. With FI we try these things together. 

    ETF: OMG where did the boxes go?
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  • This article is ridiculous. He seems to take no personal accountability for the problems that were in his marriage. Yes, these can be issues in any relationship, not just marriage. It is how you deal with the issues and work around them that make a difference. One night last weekend me and FI stayed up till 3 in the morning talking about really random stuff. We don't text each other unless its things like "I'm going to be late" or "can you start dinner". If we're out and either one of us is on the phone we politely ask that they're put away. This article doesn't mention how he tried to fix the problems. Just said that these were the problems.

                                               

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  • My cousin posted the article yesterday.  Out of morbid curiosity I clicked on it and then immediately rolled my eyes.  Like, all of these problems can be fixed just by handling life like a mature adult.  Put down your fucking phone and pay attention to the conversation, like an adult.  Budget life accordingly, live within your means, and have a game plan for when life goes to shit financially, like an adult.  Put effort into being intimate with your SO, like an adult.  Realize that your vaguebook posts have no place on social media, like an adult.  Is the dude seventeen that all of these concepts are so difficult for him?

    I hate the Elite Daily articles too.  They're so stupid.  I feel like 90% of them are just written for validation, kind of like Knot articles which tell you to B-list and have a cash bar with a Honeyfund registry. 




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  • I've been responding with the same thing to everyone on my newsfeed that this is popping up on. It's silly and unreasonable. Are the flowers less special b/c he ordered them online instead of calling or going to the florist?  Don't I still GET flowers?  He texted me about dinner? Ummm, ok. Aren't we still later HAVING dinner, face to face? My husband and I have a no phones AT meals policy, but to communicate about it prior? Pffft. 

    Sure, I get that too many people are on their gadgets and not spending time together, but this article makes it sound like technology is a poison to marriage, and it isn't.  

    Technology is part of what's KEEPING us married. With my husband gone for work for 2-3 months at a time, technology is the only way we can spend time together during that time. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I don't understand how these are problems with marriage, they would be problems in any romantic relationship, married or not. And aside from #1, they are issues in any sort of relationship-with roommates, with siblings, with friends. If you can't handle these issues, you just suck at relationships period. 
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  • I generally dislike any FB post about marriage that makes the rounds like this one, because the advice usually boils down to generalizing people and giving them "advice" that amounts to BS. There's a picture that pops up sometimes, usually a stock photo of an older couple nuzzling, and over it there's a thing about some person who asked an older couple how they stayed together so long, and they said, "We come from a generation where if something was broke, you fixed it instead of throwing it away." Or something. And it's always posted by a friend who comments, "Well said!" It makes me want to scream.

    I always want to scream, sometimes you fix a marriage by divorcing. Why stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy? Just to say "we stayed married even though we were each plotting the other's death"...good for you. Way to stay miserable!
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