How to ask Future Father-in-law for help?

Knottie44579107

My fiancé and I have been together for 6 1/2 years, we recently got engaged last November. We are having a small wedding in Las Vegas in November 2015. About a month ago, my fiancé's father and his long time girlfriend decided that they were also going to get married this year in June. After talking to my FFIL he had mentioned some concerns about money for his wedding. This makes me think that he will not be helping us with money for our wedding. My fiancé's mother and my mother are giving us money to help us out, and my FFIL gave money to my fiancé's older brother when he got married two years ago.

 

How should I approach my FFIL about this situation, I'm not expecting much since it is a destination wedding, but I feel that if our other parents are helping out that he should too.

 

Thank you!

novella1186

Knottie44579107 said:

My fiancé and I have been together for 6 1/2 years, we recently got engaged last November. We are having a small wedding in Las Vegas in November 2015. About a month ago, my fiancé's father and his long time girlfriend decided that they were also going to get married this year in June. After talking to my FFIL he had mentioned some concerns about money for his wedding. This makes me think that he will not be helping us with money for our wedding. My fiancé's mother and my mother are giving us money to help us out, and my FFIL gave money to my fiancé's older brother when he got married two years ago.

 

How should I approach my FFIL about this situation, I'm not expecting much since it is a destination wedding, but I feel that if our other parents are helping out that he should too.

 

Thank you!

Don't. Do not approach him about the situation, and do not ask him for money. You are not entitled to another person's money, and he does not owe you a dime. 

Plan the wedding you and your FI can afford, and pay for it yourselves. 

Knottie44579107

The thing is, I know my FMIL will say something to him and she's not the type of person to say things... nicely. I'd rather talk to him before she gets to him and causes drama.

Jen4948

Don't.

Neither he nor your parents are under any obligation to pay for your wedding. So together with your FI, plan a wedding that you two can afford with the funds you actually have available. (If your parents haven't actually given you any money, then make your plans on the assumption that they're not going to, even if they eventually do.)

That may mean having a local wedding and not a DW, or having to make other cuts to your budget. So plan accordingly so nobody has to "help you out" and so you don't end up in debt. Yes, it may mean not getting your "dream" wedding, but the point of any wedding is that you and your FI will be married at the conclusion of the ceremony.

Jen4948

Knottie44579107 said:

The thing is, I know my FMIL will say something to him and she's not the type of person to say things... nicely. I'd rather talk to him before she gets to him and causes drama.

Just stay out of it.

pinupbride6189

Knottie44579107 said:

The thing is, I know my FMIL will say something to him and she's not the type of person to say things... nicely. I'd rather talk to him before she gets to him and causes drama.

That's fine. If she says something, she's the one that's going to look rude and put him in an uncomfortable situation. You should stay out of it. 

blabla89

Knottie44579107 said:

The thing is, I know my FMIL will say something to him and she's not the type of person to say things... nicely. I'd rather talk to him before she gets to him and causes drama.

That would be rude of your FMIL, and the best thing you can do is stay out of that.

You should not expect your FFIL (or anyone else) to give you any money for anything, and the fact that your other parents have generously offered doesn't change that.

novella1186

Knottie44579107 said:

The thing is, I know my FMIL will say something to him and she's not the type of person to say things... nicely. I'd rather talk to him before she gets to him and causes drama.

No idea why you would insert yourself into their drama. You're just borrowing trouble. 

If anything, let your FI deal with his parents. You need to stay out of it. And whether or not your FMIL is going to bug him about giving money to your wedding is no excuse for you to solicit money from him. 

snarkymaid

Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. (Or $2,000 or $20,000 or however much you want from him).

Plan what you can afford on your own.

OliveOilsMom

Knottie44579107 said:

My fiancé and I have been together for 6 1/2 years, we recently got engaged last November. We are having a small wedding in Las Vegas in November 2015. About a month ago, my fiancé's father and his long time girlfriend decided that they were also going to get married this year in June. After talking to my FFIL he had mentioned some concerns about money for his wedding. This makes me think that he will not be helping us with money for our wedding. My fiancé's mother and my mother are giving us money to help us out, and my FFIL gave money to my fiancé's older brother when he got married two years ago.

 

How should I approach my FFIL about this situation, I'm not expecting much since it is a destination wedding, but I feel that if our other parents are helping out that he should too.

 

Thank you!

In short, you don't ask FFIL.  What he wants to do with his money is his business.  It is rude to ask anyone for money.  If you are adult enough to get married you are adult enough to pay for said wedding.  If your mom and FMIL have offered money, that is very generous of them, but it in no way makes your FFIL responsible for also giving money. 

lyndausvi

You don't.

If FMIL causes drama stay out of it.  Tell HER he is not required to contribute anyway (if she brings it up).

MyNameIsNot

Knottie44579107 said:

The thing is, I know my FMIL will say something to him and she's not the type of person to say things... nicely. I'd rather talk to him before she gets to him and causes drama.

If she does, she's the asshole. That's no reason for you to go asking for money or get in the middle of it.

Also, if you and your FI don't tell FMIL who contributed what, she won't have anything to say. It's none of her business whether FFIL contributes anything, and your FI should tell her so. 

climbingsingle

No no no no no. Do not ask your FFIL for money. 

CMGragain

1,  Never ask ANYBODY for money for your wedding.

2.  Do not count on any gift money until it is in your bank account.

3.  Plan the wedding you can afford to pay for, or wait until you save more money.

mikenberger

Agreed with all the other PPs. You do not have this conversation with your FFIL. Your FI does not have this conversation with your FFIL. You are adults. Adults pay for their own things. If they hand you a check, that's one thing, but adults don't go soliciting money for weddings. 

saric83

Ditto everyone else.  There is simply NO acceptable situation where it's okay to ask and/or expect that he pay for your wedding.  Neither you nor your FI should say a darn word about it. 

SeaCaptainOtter

My mom got married less than 6 months ago. She keeps saying that she is going to give me money to help with my wedding, but so far, that just hasn't happened. She told me months before her wedding she would like to contribute and I said "great, whatever you can afford is fine." Then in January she offered again and I said "great, thank you". She has taken no steps to get this to me and I never pushed it. 

We went ahead and planned a wedding we could afford, even if no one helped us financially. So now, I am less than 3 weeks away from my wedding and I am not stressed out at all about paying for everything. Trust me - this is the way to go. If I had banked on that money coming from her, I would be SOL at this point. 

What he gave to anyone else for their wedding is not your business. Also, it is not a contest of who can contribute the most to your wedding. If your FFIL wants to contribute, he will let you all know. Even then, do not spend above your means because you never know. 

MandyMost

Ditto everyone else.  There is simply NO acceptable situation where it's okay to ask and/or expect that he pay for your wedding.  Neither you nor your FI should say a darn word about it. 

And if your FMIL ever brings anything about this up with you in any way, you should tell her that you were fully willing and able to pay for the wedding you could afford with no contributions from anyone, but you are so happy that she's able to give you this gift and you are eternally grateful, but that it was in no way shape or form expected or a necessity.

Also, this... "my FFIL gave money to my fiancé's older brother when he got married two years ago."? This makes you sound TERRIBLE, like a petulant child. My mother spend about $12,000 on my brother's wedding. 6 years later she spent probably about a thousand on mine, just for her dress, hotel room, helping to throw a bridal luncheon instead of a shower, a gift, parking and transportation, etc. So, all of her expenses. She didn't give us ANY money for the wedding. You know why? Because she didn't have it to give right then. At least, not without causing some financial hardship on herself. How can I hold that against her? And you shouldn't hold anything against your FFIL...he owes you NOTHING and you deserve NOTHING. 

anjemon

MyNameIsNot said:

The thing is, I know my FMIL will say something to him and she's not the type of person to say things... nicely. I'd rather talk to him before she gets to him and causes drama.

If she does, she's the asshole. That's no reason for you to go asking for money or get in the middle of it.

Also, if you and your FI don't tell FMIL who contributed what, she won't have anything to say. It's none of her business whether FFIL contributes anything, and your FI should tell her so. 

Quoted for the bolded. It's not FMIL's business what FFIL did or did not contribute. If she asks, you should not tell her anything. And your FI should not discuss what your parents or anyone else has contributed with her.

madamerwin

My fiancé and I have been together for 6 1/2 years, we recently got engaged last November. We are having a small wedding in Las Vegas in November 2015. About a month ago, my fiancé's father and his long time girlfriend decided that they were also going to get married this year in June. After talking to my FFIL he had mentioned some concerns about money for his wedding. This makes me think that he will not be helping us with money for our wedding. My fiancé's mother and my mother are giving us money to help us out, and my FFIL gave money to my fiancé's older brother when he got married two years ago.

 

How should I approach my FFIL about this situation, I'm not expecting much since it is a destination wedding, but I feel that if our other parents are helping out that he should too.

 

Thank you!

1. The fact that FFIL gave FBIL money for his wedding two years ago has no bearing on your wedding. When my sister got married a few years back, my dad paid for half of it. He is giving us a much smaller contribution for our wedding (which he offered, we did not ask). Why the difference? His financial situation has changed drastically in the past few years. And that's fine - I would never expect him to put himself in a bad financial situation just to help pay for our party. FFIL mentioning concerns about paying for his own wedding may have been his roundabout way of telling you he will not be able to contribute to your wedding; he may be embarrassed to say so directly (just my speculation). But please, PLEASE do not ask him for money.

2. Just because some parents choose to help does not mean all parents need to contribute equally, or at all. It is YOUR and FI's responsibility to pay for your wedding. If some people chose to contribute, great! But it should not be tit-for-tat.

downtondiva

Knottie44579107 said:

The thing is, I know my FMIL will say something to him and she's not the type of person to say things... nicely. I'd rather talk to him before she gets to him and causes drama.

Yes, your FMIL may say something, and your FFIL will just have to deal with it. Don't make his problem your problem. 

Anyway, you shouldn't be asking anyone for money for your wedding. While it's great if family members can help out, you are ultimately responsible for paying for the event you're choosing to have. Let your FFIL or whoever offer if they wish; in the meantime, plan a wedding you know you can afford on your own.

Maggie0829

You don't ask for money.  Period.