WWTKD: Welcome dinner

JCbride2015

To make a  long, gory story as short as possible, FPILs were going to host a welcome dinner (there is no rehearsal) except now they are getting cold feet.  They first suggested no dinner at all, now say they want to host something "small" but they're being really unclear and I think they intend to exclude some bridal party members, and/or SO's.  Fi and I are considering hosting something ourselves but not sure if it's better to do nothing, rather than to host something too small or incomplete that would offend people.  We already told the bridal party and a few close family members that FPILs were hosting something (FPILs also told people on their side, not sure how many).  This also happens to be my grandmother's 75th birthday.  

So WWTKD?

1. Stick it out with FPILs, try to nudge them toward etiquette-appropriate decisions, but if there are fails it's on them.  This involves trusting that they will do what they said, and I'm not sure if I'm comfortable doing this.
2. Just don't have a welcome dinner at all.  Take my grandmother out for her birthday, NWR.  This means our bridal party and some family members will be staying in the hotel the night before the wedding but not being hosted for anything.
3. Do the birthday dinner, but come back to the hotel bar after dinner and open a tab for anybody who wants to come by and say hello.  This would be spread by word of mouth.  I like this idea, except FPILs would hate it because it isn't dinner, only I don't care very much what FPILs think right now.  Oops.  Seriously though, is this rude?  Would it be weird to say we'll buy people drinks but not have a dinner?
4. Throw a welcome dinner just for the bridal party and close family members ourselves (including SO's, etc.).  We would probably have to put some of this on a credit card and pay it back right after the wedding, likely before incurring any interest.  Our home is too small and far away to really be an option for this, so we'd have to find an inexpensive restaurant.  I'm tempted by this but I know financially it isn't wise.  But is it important enough that once word of mouth has gone around that something will be hosted (even if not by us) that we should just grit our teeth and do it?

lovegood90

I think the third idea sounds best! But if not, I don't think there's anything wrong with the second.

That way you're not taking on anything financially that you're not comfortable with, and you're ensuring people aren't potentially snubbed by your FILs (even if it technically falls on them, I wouldn't personally feel comfortable knowing this is a possibility).

southernbelle0915

#3

Take grandma out to dinner. Then host welcome drinks (not dinner) at a bar for bridal party and close family who will be in town. That should accomplish:

1) take FILs out of the hosting picture - sounds like you can't really rely on them for much of anything.

2) you'll have dinner with grandma

3) you'll still be hosting something fun

4) it won't be as expensive as hosting a full meal so hopefully no CC issues.

ETF: der - I didn't read #3 carefully enough!

kvruns

I vote for 2 or 3.  At this point I wouldn't trust the FPIL to be hosting or paying for it since they seem to be getting cold feet. Since you aren't having a rehearsal I assume those staying in the hotel are staying the night because they want to as opposed to feeling obligated because they have a rehearsal to attend.

Having drinks later on to hang would be a nice gesture and get to see people before the craziness of the wedding day. Just make sure you tell people you want to get together for a drink and make sure it doesn't coincide with prime dinner time.

novella1186

I like the 3rd idea. If you do this after dinner (not right at a typical dinner hour) then I think it's fine to just do drinks and no food. 

If they insist on going ahead with half-assed/rude plans, I would try to disassociate your wedding from it. Like "Ok, you can do this for you and your friends. Don't say it's wedding-related, though, because it's not if you don't include the ENTIRE wedding party with their SOs." 

I had a similar situation with my parents and had to do the same thing. 

littlepep

I'm with PPs. I think the third idea sounds the best. Better to do something you can actually host vs letting them plan something rude.

KatieinBkln

Number 3 seems like a great bet to me. At my friend's wedding last summer, they did an "after-dinner cruise" on a party boat. It was a great way to include out-of-towners and family alike without having to host everyone's food, and it definitely did not feel tacky or like a letdown in the slightest.

sophhabobopha

I agree with pps; I'd o with three. That sucks hat FILs aren't doing what they promised.

JCbride2015

Thanks all. It sucks because we never thought they would back out.  This is a financial issue, not like they are mad at us or anything. But FMIL is just a terrible communicator and was very passive aggressive about the whole issue, ugh.  
Fi is going to talk to them today. I think we will wind up in Option 3. I was just worried about hosting something non-dinner, but it seems like as long as it's after dinner time, we are fine. Hopefully we can work something out.

delujm0

Thanks all. It sucks because we never thought they would back out.  This is a financial issue, not like they are mad at us or anything. But FMIL is just a terrible communicator and was very passive aggressive about the whole issue, ugh.  
Fi is going to talk to them today. I think we will wind up in Option 3. I was just worried about hosting something non-dinner, but it seems like as long as it's after dinner time, we are fine. Hopefully we can work something out.

It is perfectably acceptable to only host drinks if it's at a non-dinner time.  If you're going to dinner first, i'd open the bar tab at 8 or 9.  No one would expect dinner at that point.  If you really want to feed them and can swing it financially, see if the bar can put out some appetizer trays (if they don't do food there, see if they'll let you order some pizzas or something.  doesn't have to be fancy - really you do'nt need to have food at all).

 

It sounds like FPIL would like to host a pre-wedding event for THEIR invitees only.  If they want to do that it's fine, but you're right, they should disassociate the wedding from it and just have a normal family get together.  If you are feeling generous and want to stop by and say hello at their separate event, i'm sure they would appreciate that.