Moms and Maids

Errghhh! FMIL Vent...

Ugh. Please. Somebody talk me down, because I'm so pissed I'm shaking. And yes. I'm over reacting. I'm just so frustrated!

A while back, I posted about how my FMIL called us an hour after we booked a venue with a guest limit, and told us that it'd be really nice if we could add so-n-so. She also guilted us into adding to the WP. All this after trying to get us to move the date by 5 months.

Flash forward, and she's at it again. We get an email yesterday saying,

"Not to add to the crazy, but...

I got a call from my mom today. I have two aunts on her side asking about hotels and wedding details so they can make sure they get a room. My only aunt on my dad's side is also making noises. 

Do we have any idea how many people aren't coming? There are some that wish to come including friends of ours that have known Fiance for a while. Or is there any other room that will hold more than 80? When do you have to send in an exact count? I'm getting more and more inquiries as the days go on. Can't give you an exact number although I'm counting 9 right now. Maybe a dozen.

:) Happy Monday."

FI talked to her, and tried to express that we were settled on a guest list, and we were only including close family and friends, not extended. She suggested that FI and I should spring for a bigger hall (my parents were kind enough to offer to pay for most of our wedding, and we ended up going with a package that included certain things, including the reception hall). FI told her that we had a package and we were sticking with what we had, and she just kept insisting that, "We'll see what opens up as we get closer."

NO! NO! NO! NO! Not happening. She needs to tell her family that, while we wish we could have, we could not invite everyone, and that if they book hotels, while it's unfortunate, we will be unable to accommodate them at the wedding.  This is not something she has a say in. We will not B-List anyone! She's being very unfair by putting us in this position, and very unfair to her family by having them expect invitations that won't be coming, and having them prepare for a trip they won't be taking. 

It kills me because the FILs were just here visiting last week, and we had SO MUCH FUN! They were great! But now it's like...I don't even know. 

Anyway. Thanks for reading (or skimming...I know it got long). Sorry for the vent, I'm just about to pull my hair out.

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Re: Errghhh! FMIL Vent...

  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Olive is spot on.

    Definitely do not tell FMIL about any of your responses. If she hears ___ declined, she'll go ahead and verbally invite ____.

    pinupbride6189MairePoppy
  • Yeah just get FI to say "No, the guest list is final. We will not be adding to it if people decline. Do not discuss the wedding with your relatives anymore, and please let those who think they're invited know that they aren't. Discussion over." or something to that effect. Sometimes no matter how nice you want to be, you gotta be firm. 

    And then don't talk to her about wedding stuff.
    pinupbride6189MairePoppy
  • FI actually let me read the conversation he had with his mom. He hasn't been as firm with her as I would have been, but she's also just ignoring what he says and insisting on her point. I think we're going to sit down together and draft up an email for him to send her. We'll probably going to wait until at least the end of the week, though. FI has some health concerns that are weighing in him pretty heavily right now, and I think he's just had enough. I wish I could just say something, but I know I shouldn't.

    I'm certainly not going to mention any responses to her. We haven't even sent out STDs yet for crying out loud, much less invitations! I have a feeling she might just verbally invite people anyway, and if they come I'm going to feel horrible, because it's going to be about a 10 hour drive for all of his relatives, but we won't have chairs, food, cake or space for them.

    I just don't know what planet she's living on.

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  • I vented to my mom a bit, and she actually offered to ask around the family to if anyone wasn't going to be able to make it so that we could accommodate FMIL. I told her not to foo that under any circumstances. I am not going to be rude to my guests.

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    augsum15
  • Ugh. I have no advice. I'm just sorry. Weddings make people lose their damn minds.
    pinupbride6189
  • Thanks everyone. I appreciate the support and suggestions. I also apologize for my phone's autocorrect making me look like a nincompoop...

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Sorry to hear you're going through all this.

    Make sure your FMIL doesn't have any invitations she can copy and send or give to guests you're not inviting. And if she brings up inviting more people again, your FI needs to tell her very firmly, "No. We are not going to invite more people, regardless of declines or anything else. This is a closed subject."
    pinupbride6189MairePoppy
  • Jen4948 said:

    Sorry to hear you're going through all this.

    Make sure your FMIL doesn't have any invitations she can copy and send or give to guests you're not inviting. And if she brings up inviting more people again, your FI needs to tell her very firmly, "No. We are not going to invite more people, regardless of declines or anything else. This is a closed subject."

    QFT.  Don't even give her a draft of an invitation in case she does this.  Seems insane, but we've heard more than once of mothers doing this.
    pinupbride6189MairePoppy
  • Just an update, if anyone is interested. FI emailed his mom last night and was very direct. He told her that as wonderful as it was that so many people wanted to share this day with us, it just wasn't going to be possible, and that we weren't going to invite new people as other people sent their regrets. She hasn't responded yet, but I can't help but be nervous. I'm definitely going to take all of your advice and keep the RSVP responses and final numbers to myself. I might even send  her invitation a week or three late...accidentally, of course.

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    [Deleted User]MobKazAddieCakeOliveOilsMom
  • Well, you are only human and accidents do happen.  And I mean, really, a bride just before the wedding really has her hands full.  Stuff happens! 
    pinupbride6189MairePoppyOliveOilsMom
  • Stuff does indeed happen! FI talked to his mom on the phone last night. It was a perfectly normal conversation and she didn't even bring up the email he sent her. So either she's accepting our decision or she's putting her hands over her ears like the vancome lady and just saying, "la la la la la!" I guess time will tell.

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  • SO annoying isn't it? My Fi and I were dealing with this only we're paying for the reception, so when we say no more people it doesn't seem as firm as if it came from my parents.....

    Put your foot down and make sure your Fi handles it. You don't need to get in the middle. It will make it worse. Try to breathe and relax. Fortunately your room will only hold x amount so that is your out so long as she doesn't know # of declines. Our venue can fit up to 200 so we can't use that as an excuse ;) 

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    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • SO annoying isn't it? My Fi and I were dealing with this only we're paying for the reception, so when we say no more people it doesn't seem as firm as if it came from my parents.....

    Put your foot down and make sure your Fi handles it. You don't need to get in the middle. It will make it worse. Try to breathe and relax. Fortunately your room will only hold x amount so that is your out so long as she doesn't know # of declines. Our venue can fit up to 200 so we can't use that as an excuse ;) 

    It 100% is as firm!! Stand by your decision! You're FMIL is still trying to spend someone else's money for something she wants. Doesn't matter if it's yours or your parents' money. I know (believe me, I know!) that it's easier said than done, but it'll be worth it.

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