NWR: Vent, Maybe its Just my Hormones

ohmrs2014

Ok, so as most of you know, when your pregnant, your hormones get all crazy, so I'm going to hope thats why I'm upset with my MIL, but if any of you knotties feel I have a reason to be upset, then please let me know LOL.

So DH is abroad for work, he has been since Saturday.  He had to leave the day after we returned from our vacation.  No problem.  We knew about it for a few weeks now.

His mom called me Sunday to see how I was feeling (I returned from vacation with a headcold).  Then she asked if I heard from DH and how he was doing.  I explained that with the time difference it is hard to talk, that we were able to exchange a few texts but that was it.

She called last night and began the call with:  I called the other day but you didn't answer and I left a voicemail.  My response was:  I'm sorry, I didn't receive the call nor the voicemail, but my sister has also been saying she has been texting me, but I haven't been receiving those so maybe I just have a connection issue.

Here was the rest of the phone call:

MIL:  oh, ok.  Have you heard from DH?

Me:  Yes.  Since I didn't have to work aftercare today we were actually able to have a conversation and the time difference not affect us too much.  

MIL:  Have you talked to him throughout his stay in Switzerland?

Me:  We have texted back and forth when he can, but again, with the time difference it was hard.

MIL:  Oh, well I'm glad he's doing well.  He hasn't called me at all to check in.

She then asked how I was feeling and that was the end of the conversation.

I hung up and was just flabbergasted.  I felt like no matter how many times I told her the time difference took a toll on us actually communicating, not to mention he was filming video so its not like he can just text me back throughout the day, she didn't get it.  

And what bothered me the most was the last statement about him not calling her to check in.  I'm sorry, but he has a wife now.  He checks in with me, not mommy.

Sad part, the last time he traveled internationally (only to Canada), she constantly called to see if I had heard from him.

Again, I feel like its just my hormones that have me so upset, but part of me does feel like I have a right to be bothered.  Set me straight knotties!  LOL

mikenberger

ohmrs2014 said:

Ok, so as most of you know, when your pregnant, your hormones get all crazy, so I'm going to hope thats why I'm upset with my MIL, but if any of you knotties feel I have a reason to be upset, then please let me know LOL.

So DH is abroad for work, he has been since Saturday.  He had to leave the day after we returned from our vacation.  No problem.  We knew about it for a few weeks now.

His mom called me Sunday to see how I was feeling (I returned from vacation with a headcold).  Then she asked if I heard from DH and how he was doing.  I explained that with the time difference it is hard to talk, that we were able to exchange a few texts but that was it.

She called last night and began the call with:  I called the other day but you didn't answer and I left a voicemail.  My response was:  I'm sorry, I didn't receive the call nor the voicemail, but my sister has also been saying she has been texting me, but I haven't been receiving those so maybe I just have a connection issue.

Here was the rest of the phone call:

MIL:  oh, ok.  Have you heard from DH?

Me:  Yes.  Since I didn't have to work aftercare today we were actually able to have a conversation and the time difference not affect us too much.  

MIL:  Have you talked to him throughout his stay in Switzerland?

Me:  We have texted back and forth when he can, but again, with the time difference it was hard.

MIL:  Oh, well I'm glad he's doing well.  He hasn't called me at all to check in.

She then asked how I was feeling and that was the end of the conversation.

I hung up and was just flabbergasted.  I felt like no matter how many times I told her the time difference took a toll on us actually communicating, not to mention he was filming video so its not like he can just text me back throughout the day, she didn't get it.  

And what bothered me the most was the last statement about him not calling her to check in.  I'm sorry, but he has a wife now.  He checks in with me, not mommy.

Sad part, the last time he traveled internationally (only to Canada), she constantly called to see if I had heard from him.

Again, I feel like its just my hormones that have me so upset, but part of me does feel like I have a right to be bothered.  Set me straight knotties!  LOL

I'm sure she's not mentioning that she hasn't heard from him to check in because she doesn't understand that you're wife and that he should be checking in with you before he's checking in with her. But that's his mother. That was his only woman for years. I'm sure it's an adjustment to take a backseat to a new woman. And some mothers just don't handle that well. I'm sure it could be quelled if your husband would just check in with his mommy I don't see what's wrong with a simple phone call, email, text when he first arrives to let her know that he got there safely. "I made it to Switzerland, Mom. I'll let you know when I make it home! Love you!" And that's it. 

Now would it bother me (her comment)? Probably. I get annoyed with people that just sit by the phone waiting for things to happen. Try not to dwell on it too much. I'm sure it's not a jab at you. You're just the one she knows he's going to contact. I'm sure you'd be super frustrated if he was calling his mom and not you. 

kvruns

I would be annoyed by it but not super upset or bothered.  Sounds like she is sad/mad he hasn't communicated with her so she wants the update from you.  If it were me I'd just shoot him a text or email and say contact your mom and be done with it. If she calls again you can say I let him know you were hoping to hear from him and leave it at that. I wouldn't let that get me upset though.

climbingsingle

Girl, I feel you pain. This could have been an exact conversation I had with my MIL too. My husband is 41 and she still expects him to check in like that. When we were on our HM, she called almost every day. I understand how frustrating it is. 

blabla89

I think it's just the hormones. My FMIL does that too, when FI can't answer the phone for whatever reason. On a normal day I roll my eyes and move on, but on a PMS day it makes me totally stabby.

Kahlyla

To be honest, I don't really see the problem. Is it that her asking these things is making you feel a bit insecure? Like is it making you second-guess yourself and wonder why he's not in touch more often? That would be understandable, but I'm sure you and he have the right read on the situation and you both understand how tricky it is, so I wouldn't let that get to you at all.

Maybe it's just because I have a phenomenally weird mother myself, but to me there are just so many idiosyncrasies that many parents have that I've long ago learned to compartmentalize them and not let them get to me.

ohmrs2014

That's why I'm figuring my hormones are just making it worse LOL.  I'm used to him traveling, though he doesn't travel as much as he used to since his promotion.  But when he left I was a crying mess.  LOL.

Maggie0829

I kind of think you are blowing this out of proportion a bit.  I think her constantly asking if your H has called you and not understanding the time difference thing is a bit annoying.  But, just because you are his wife now, doesn't mean that his Mom doesn't still worry about him or want to talk to her son and make sure everything is okay with him since he is so far away.

ETA:  Since she always asks about him when he is away you may want to say something to your H when you get home.  Like "hey, you may want to check in with your Mom every once in a while when you are gone because she is always calling me and wondering if I had heard from you and it is getting a bit tiring."  Your H may not even realize what you are having to deal with.

ohmrs2014

Kahlyla said:

To be honest, I don't really see the problem. Is it that her asking these things is making you feel a bit insecure? Like is it making you second-guess yourself and wonder why he's not in touch more often? That would be understandable, but I'm sure you and he have the right read on the situation and you both understand how tricky it is, so I wouldn't let that get to you at all.

Maybe it's just because I have a phenomenally weird mother myself, but to me there are just so many idiosyncrasies that many parents have that I've long ago learned to compartmentalize them and not let them get to me.

To the bolded:  It doesn't make me feel insecure.  Unlike his mom, I understand that when he's traveling, its hard to talk to him.  He's abroad where they are 6 hours ahead of us.  I'm a teacher but I also work aftercare so when I'm done at 5:30 EST, he's asleep.  When I'm waking up, he's already been at work for 6 hours.  

Aside from the hormones, I think my issue is that he shouldn't have to check in when he's traveling.  I don't expect to hear from him that much when hes abroad because of the time difference.  As long as I know his flight landed and receive the occasional text while he's gone, I'm completely fine with that.  The only reason we were able to have a conversation yesterday was because I didn't work aftercare so he was still awake when I got home.

Kahlyla

ohmrs2014 said:

Kahlyla said:

To be honest, I don't really see the problem. Is it that her asking these things is making you feel a bit insecure? Like is it making you second-guess yourself and wonder why he's not in touch more often? That would be understandable, but I'm sure you and he have the right read on the situation and you both understand how tricky it is, so I wouldn't let that get to you at all.

Maybe it's just because I have a phenomenally weird mother myself, but to me there are just so many idiosyncrasies that many parents have that I've long ago learned to compartmentalize them and not let them get to me.

To the bolded:  It doesn't make me feel insecure.  Unlike his mom, I understand that when he's traveling, its hard to talk to him.  He's abroad where they are 6 hours ahead of us.  I'm a teacher but I also work aftercare so when I'm done at 5:30 EST, he's asleep.  When I'm waking up, he's already been at work for 6 hours.  

Aside from the hormones, I think my issue is that he shouldn't have to check in when he's traveling.  I don't expect to hear from him that much when hes abroad because of the time difference.  As long as I know his flight landed and receive the occasional text while he's gone, I'm completely fine with that.  The only reason we were able to have a conversation yesterday was because I didn't work aftercare so he was still awake when I got home.

I get that, and I agree with your take on it. I just don't know why her not quite getting it would bother you so much. Parents are weird and annoying sometimes, that's just my mantra, lol.

ohmrs2014

Maggie0829 said:

I kind of think you are blowing this out of proportion a bit.  I think her constantly asking if your H has called you and not understanding the time difference thing is a bit annoying.  But, just because you are his wife now, doesn't mean that his Mom doesn't still worry about him or want to talk to her son and make sure everything is okay with him since he is so far away.

ETA:  Since she always asks about him when he is away you may want to say something to your H when you get home.  Like "hey, you may want to check in with your Mom every once in a while when you are gone because she is always calling me and wondering if I had heard from you and it is getting a bit tiring."  Your H may not even realize what you are having to deal with.

That's actually not a bad idea.

But your right, it can be tiring.  I know his dad will call him randomly during the week and say something like "Your mom is upset you haven't called her in a few days."  And in my head I'm like, well the phone works two ways.  I easily feel like she could text him while he's gone to check in.

WinstonsGirl

Eh, I can see the constant calls getting annoying, but I also still check in with my parents (and his actually) when we're travelling.  Just to let them know we've arrived/we're home safely.  She's worried about him his entire life and will continue to even though he's a married adult.  Sounds like she's having a bit of a hard time letting go.  

I agree with PP's.  Tell him to text her  once in a while to let her know he's ok.  I wouldn't worry too much about it.  

FutureMrsN3312

It's hormones lol

I had a similiar reaction when DH went on a trip a few weeks after finding out I was pregnant.  His mother drove me crazy.  In the end she was trying to be nice but it got on my nerves.  I'd txt him and let him know his mommy was asking about him.  Maybe he could spare a few minutes and send her an email to check in so she gets out of your hair.

In the meantime, just try and relax

stefuhknee

Just to echo what PP's have already said, I'm sure she isn't intentionally trying to irritate you but she probably just wants to hear from her son. My SO and I often check in with our parents when we travel because parents don't stop worrying just because you're all grown up and married. I also have a little boy so I am totally going to be this mom 30 years from now.

jenna8984

climbingwife said:

Girl, I feel you pain. This could have been an exact conversation I had with my MIL too. My husband is 41 and she still expects him to check in like that. When we were on our HM, she called almost every day. I understand how frustrating it is. 

I would die. Even when we are home, we each talk to our parents about once a month. lol

littlepep

I agree with Maggie that it might be good for him to at least text her and say he made it. He probably doesn't realize she wants that and it's annoying she doesn't just say something to him instead of you. But international travel is a big deal so I can see why she'd want to know he at least made it. Expecting him to be in constant communication is excessive though; he's there to work and like you said the time difference makes it hard to chat. FI and I have a hard time chatting even when I just travel across the country. 

I'd probably be mildly irritated by the convo so it's probably hormones making it seem worse that it actually is. 

Maggie0829

My H went to Florida for a 3 day concert a few weeks back.  His Mom texted me once or twice to see if I had heard from him and if he was doing okay.  When I picked H up from the airport I had asked him if he had called his Mom to let her know that he arrived safely when he left.  He said no and that he didn't even think about it.  I then had to remind him about 5 times to call his Mom once we got back from the airport because she had texted him and asked him to let her know when he got home.  He didn't understand why I was pushing him to text her.  I said "H, she is your Mom and loves you and even though it doesn't seem like it, she worries about you, especially when you are travelling.  Just fucking text her that you got home okay."  And H has a great relationship with his Mom so it isn't anything about them not really talking or a poor relationship.  It is just H not really thinking about these things as important.

ohmrs2014

Thanks ladies.  I think I am going to just let him know that when he's traveling to text her or something.  I honestly think it was more of the "He hasn't called me to check in" is what really got to me.  I definitely feel like if he's going to check in with anyone, its going to be me.

But yes, these hormones aren't making it any easier.

And I forgot to add that she asked who was staying with me while he was gone and I replied no one.  She then responded with "oh, I thought your sister was staying with you."  My response, kind of snotty now that I think about it:  "Um, no.  She just had foot surgery remember?  She can't walk, she's with my parents who are home all day who can help her."

I'm an adult, I don't need a babysitter.

Yea, hormones for sure LOL.

lovegood90

ohmrs2014 said:

Thanks ladies.  I think I am going to just let him know that when he's traveling to text her or something.  I honestly think it was more of the "He hasn't called me to check in" is what really got to me.  I definitely feel like if he's going to check in with anyone, its going to be me.

But yes, these hormones aren't making it any easier.

And I forgot to add that she asked who was staying with me while he was gone and I replied no one.  She then responded with "oh, I thought your sister was staying with you."  My response, kind of snotty now that I think about it:  "Um, no.  She just had foot surgery remember?  She can't walk, she's with my parents who are home all day who can help her."

I'm an adult, I don't need a babysitter.

Yea, hormones for sure LOL.

Wow, that would bug me the most I think. Just because you're pregnant means you're an invalid? You were more polite than I would have been!

sarawifenow

ohmrs2014 said:

Thanks ladies.  I think I am going to just let him know that when he's traveling to text her or something.  I honestly think it was more of the "He hasn't called me to check in" is what really got to me.  I definitely feel like if he's going to check in with anyone, its going to be me.

But yes, these hormones aren't making it any easier.

And I forgot to add that she asked who was staying with me while he was gone and I replied no one.  She then responded with "oh, I thought your sister was staying with you."  My response, kind of snotty now that I think about it:  "Um, no.  She just had foot surgery remember?  She can't walk, she's with my parents who are home all day who can help her."

I'm an adult, I don't need a babysitter.

Yea, hormones for sure LOL.

Eh...I see this more as general curiosity. Honestly, I think you are really blowing everything a little out of proportion.

 

Maggie0829

ohmrs2014 said:

Thanks ladies.  I think I am going to just let him know that when he's traveling to text her or something.  I honestly think it was more of the "He hasn't called me to check in" is what really got to me.  I definitely feel like if he's going to check in with anyone, its going to be me.

But yes, these hormones aren't making it any easier.

And I forgot to add that she asked who was staying with me while he was gone and I replied no one.  She then responded with "oh, I thought your sister was staying with you."  My response, kind of snotty now that I think about it:  "Um, no.  She just had foot surgery remember?  She can't walk, she's with my parents who are home all day who can help her."

I'm an adult, I don't need a babysitter.

Yea, hormones for sure LOL.

It is possible for him to check in with you AND his Mom when he is traveling.  It isn't like he is only given one phone call or something.

I think you just need to take a deep breath and stop thinking about this.  Because right now you are really reading into everything.

ohmrs2014

Agreed.  At least its almost the weekend!!

banana468

I think you need to relax a bit.   It also sounds like his mom needs to relax a bit!

redheadbride15

This thread is making me sort of thankful, for the first time ever, that my FI has a terrible relationship with his mother and hasn't called her in years, let alone every day. I don't even think he knows her phone number, and she certainly doesn't have mine.

bethsmiles

SO's dad can be like that but mainly only when we go camping. He bought this device that lets you press a button that sends a message that says you're okay and has your location. He always wants us to use it every day so he doesn't worry as much about us getting eaten by bears or whatever the hell he thinks will happen. I hard core roll my eyes at this because I don't even usually let my parents know when I'm going camping but if it makes SO's parents less worried I just go along with it.

Like PPs have already suggested, I would just encourage him to check in with his mom when he's traveling. He doesn't even have to call just send a text or e-mail so that she doesn't worry.

And it doesn't sound like she's saying he should check in with her instead of you but that she just would like for him to check in with her as well.

LadyMillil

My parents are worriers. When I travel they like to get a message to know that I arrived at my destination safely. If it's a long trip, they like to get a FB message about once a week so they know I'm okay. They've worried about me my whole life, it's not like that stops just because I'm married. I make a huge effort to communicate with DH every day while travelling, but if I'm at a place with free Wi-Fi I take 2 minutes to send a quick FB message to my mom.

With regards to the being alone while pregnant thing, I also don't see that as a big deal. If I was pregnant and DH was out of town, my mom would ask me if some one was staying with me. Not because she thinks I need a babysitter, but because she would be worried about me being alone and having a miscarriage or pre-term labour or some other pregnancy complication. She knows I can call friends or an ambulance if I have problems. That doesn't mean she stops worrying about me.

FiancB

I'd be annoyed but brush it off. For real, it is SO hard to deal with time changes. I had such a hard time staying in contact with my bff when she was in France for a year, and now I'm two hours ahead of most of my friends and family and even that's hard.  It's bedtime for me when they're just getting to a point where they can relax and talk. 

A lot of parents get kinda butthurt when communication drops off. I know FIL is the same way with H.