Wedding Party

Sister and "brother" - Who sucks it up?

Silverelf2015Silverelf2015 member
5 Love Its First Comment
edited April 2015 in Wedding Party
I have a sticky wedding party situation that I need help with. 

I have a best male friend who has been like a brother to me for over 15 years. We even refer to each other as "brother and sister" or "adopted brother/sister" because we are that close and actually feel related. In fact he is more like a brother to me than my biological brothers. You know that saying about sometimes true family is not related by blood? Yeah, that totally describes us. And I wanted to honor him by asking him to be involved in the wedding party somehow. 

My real sister, though, is my Maid of Honor and is my closest biological sibling and best female friend. Trouble is... she used to be engaged (more than ten years ago) to my aforementioned best male friend. 

When I asked him how he would feel if I invited him to the wedding, knowing that she, her husband and son would be there, he was very gracious about it. He said it had been so many years past that it was water long since under the bridge, and he could be courteous as the situation called for. However, my sister had the opposite reaction. 

"Oh my God. No way would I have any fun at your wedding if he is in the room", she said, with her cheeks turning red with immediate stress. She was also worried about how her jealousy-prone husband might react with one of her exes in the room. (And for the record, my best male friend is also married). Nevermind being in the wedding party, she doesn't even want him in the room. 

While she has herself been very gracious towards my decision to remain his close friend after their breakup, evidently this is fine as long as she (and/or her husband) is never in the same room with him. But he IS my closest friend, truly like a brother, and while he lives on the other side of the country, I was about to fly him out to my wedding because his being there would be one of those things that just makes my wedding day. 

So, Knotties..... Is blood really thicker than water? Who needs to suck it up, here -- my sister, because as others have told me "It's your wedding and you can invite whomever you want to be there"? Or do I suck it up that he simply can't be here for my wedding because my sister will freak? Naturally I don't want to be selfish about this and am trying to be sensitive to everyone's feelings who are involved. I don't want to cause chaos because I want him there, but also it's not my fault that their relationship didn't end well. And our friendship predates his relationship with my sister by several years. Still, I don't want to hurt my sister. 

I really need a clue before I send out official invitations! Thank you! xoxo


PS, If this post needs to be removed to the Etiquette board, feel free to do so and I apologize if I have posted this on the wrong board. 
image

Re: Sister and "brother" - Who sucks it up?

  • Silverelf2015Silverelf2015 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited April 2015
    This agrees with exactly what my father told me. My mom, on the other hand, is on my sister's side. I'm so glad to have this place to turn to! 

    image
  • Your sister needs to suck it up. Unless he abused her (and clearly he did not), she can put on her big girl panties and manage to be in the same room with a long-ago ex. She gets no say in your wedding party or guest list.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • Your sister needs to grow up and act like an adult. It's not up to her whether he is invited to your wedding. And her husband needs to do the same.
  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2015
    Your sister needs to grow up. I would understand if he had done something terrible to her that resulted in the end of their relationship or that gave her reason to feel unsafe around him, but it doesn't sound like that was the case (I'd like to think you wouldn't still be friends with him if it was). She can't be okay with you being such good friends with him and then say he can't be at your wedding. 

    I guess all you can do is go ahead with what you're planning re: the wedding party, and just try to avoid having them interact with each other too much and don't seat them too close to one another that day. But you shouldn't ditch your friend just because your sister can't move on from a very long ago breakup.
    image
  • I agree that your sister and her husband both need to grow the fuck up. Frankly if he's so jealous that neither of them can be in the same room with your friend, that's a red flag in their relationship. Ten years is plenty of time for everyone to be over it. Sounds like your friend is by far the best behaved of the three and I would not punish him for their childish asshole behavior.
    image
  • Totally agree with PPs. This all happened TEN YEARS ago and was nothing egregious enough to damage your friendship with him? Suck it up, sister. I suggest you tell her, "Your problem with (Friend) is not my problem. This is my wedding, and he will be a part of it. If you have a problem with that, you need to decide how to deal with it. I hope you will still be a part of it as well."

    image
    image
  • I thought this was going to be about which one to have as MOH. 

    Yes, you should absolutely invite them both. If your sister is not over a relationship from 10 years ago, she has no business being married. She can suck it up or look like a fool. 
  • These posts all confirm the direction I was leaning in. Everyone can grow up for a day. Of course he did not abuse her or anything like that, they just had personalities that clashed and they argued a lot. Basically they turned out to be incompatible, which was nobody's fault. 

    I was really kind of surprised at her reaction, myself. She's an intelligent woman (college professor) who in all other ways really is mature and a good person. It rather caught me off guard and was a stressor that I just didn't need. 

    Thanks to all who have replied. :)
    image
  • Your sister is being ridiculous. She needs to get over it. I can't imagine why she can't be in the same room with him 10 years later. You invite him and if you want him in the wedding party, do it. They need to figure out a way to act like mature adults. 

    One of my friends had two girls who do not get along in her wedding party. The went on the bachelorette party and did all the wedding day activities just fine. No one would have known that they didn't get along. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image
  • Yup, sister needs to suck it up and act like an adult.


    image
  • I wouldn't say your sister needs to "suck it up."  I think she has a few things that she needs to work through, and that definitely was NOT the most supportive reaction to your request.  Given your relationship with her ex, this really couldn't have come as a shock to her.

    Clearly, there are some unresolved issues here that only your sister seems to be aware of.  That being said, this is, after all, YOUR wedding, and I do agree that she should put aside those feelings, if she can't work through them, and support your wishes for one day.

    In return, you can try to limit their interaction the day of the wedding, and/or respectfully ask him to give her some space.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards