How to unask her or should I just suck it up?

Knottie4952479

So, I'm planning my wedding and in the process I've gone through a lot of changes, one of which is looking closely at my true friends around me. I've been friends with one of my (already asked)bridesmaids Courtney, since the 9th grade and we've always had a good relationship for the most part until recently, when I opened my eyes to how selfish she has been. Since being engaged, I've noticed a change between us and can only pin point some of her actions as being jealous (not these listed included). Courtney has always been that friend who shows up late and fibs about why shes late. She also cheaps out on gifts and always puts her self first, and always makes things about her..

Courtney and I have a mutual friend named Anna, who also has Courtney in her wedding too. Anna recently called me and told me she was upset because Courtney was being unfair to her. She explained that Courtney promised to help with Annas bridal shower way before hand but at the last minute on the day of, decided she couldn't help, but said she would come to the shower with food. Courtney then came an hour late with pimento cheese and chips from her house that were half eaten. She also brought a gift from her house basically too. Courtney stayed on her phone the whole time and went to the bathroom to curl her hair and left so that she could get drunk and post it all over facebook for st pattys day. I find this messed up.

She also RSVPed to Annas baby shower and never showed up. And also ordered her dress two months later than she was supposed to for Annas wedding.none of the other bridesmaids could get their dress until she completed the order!

She has the money to buy all this stuff but chooses to blow it on vacations, clothes, spa days and other frivolous things. 

When at my dress fitting,Courtney told my bridesmaids that we should go to Charleston because that's where she likes to go. Not where "I" would like to go.

The reason Im writing all this is because I'm appalled that I have someone in my wedding party like this and Im nervous that shes going to stress me out with all her selfish acts. I asked her a while back when I thought things were good, but I started to notice how selfish she is....( These are just a few instances she has done).

What do I do now??? Just bite my tongue and just deal with whats to come or put a stop to it now and unask her?? Help.

mikenberger

Knottie4952479 said:

So, I'm planning my wedding and in the process I've gone through a lot of changes, one of which is looking closely at my true friends around me. I've been friends with one of my (already asked)bridesmaids Courtney, since the 9th grade and we've always had a good relationship for the most part until recently, when I opened my eyes to how selfish she has been. Since being engaged, I've noticed a change between us and can only pin point some of her actions as being jealous (not these listed included). Courtney has always been that friend who shows up late and fibs about why shes late. She also cheaps out on gifts and always puts her self first, and always makes things about her..

Courtney and I have a mutual friend named Anna, who also has Courtney in her wedding too. Anna recently called me and told me she was upset because Courtney was being unfair to her. She explained that Courtney promised to help with Annas bridal shower way before hand but at the last minute on the day of, decided she couldn't help, but said she would come to the shower with food. Courtney then came an hour late with pimento cheese and chips from her house that were half eaten. She also brought a gift from her house basically too. Courtney stayed on her phone the whole time and went to the bathroom to curl her hair and left so that she could get drunk and post it all over facebook for st pattys day. I find this messed up.

She also RSVPed to Annas baby shower and never showed up. And also ordered her dress two months later than she was supposed to for Annas wedding.none of the other bridesmaids could get their dress until she completed the order!

She has the money to buy all this stuff but chooses to blow it on vacations, clothes, spa days and other frivolous things. 

When at my dress fitting,Courtney told my bridesmaids that we should go to Charleston because that's where she likes to go. Not where "I" would like to go.

The reason Im writing all this is because I'm appalled that I have someone in my wedding party like this and Im nervous that shes going to stress me out with all her selfish acts. I asked her a while back when I thought things were good, but I started to notice how selfish she is....( These are just a few instances she has done).

What do I do now??? Just bite my tongue and just deal with whats to come or put a stop to it now and unask her?? Help.

JIC.

Bridesmaids have very few jobs. Those jobs include: be sober. Show up. Show up on time. Show up in a dress that I have selected in a budget you chose.

And that's it. You need to suck up and bear it, buttercup. You chose her and she hasn't done anything to be kicked out. Sure, she might suck as a human and she might not do all the things that YOU would do if you were in her shoes, but none of that matters. You need to just smile and wave and call it a day. You chose her for your bridal party.

When is the big day?

Viczaesar

It's simple.  Do you want to end your friendship with Courtney completely, as in call her up and say "Courtney, I don't want to be friends with you anymore"?  Then call her up and tell her that.  By ending your relationship with her, her involvement in your wedding will naturally come to an end too. 

But if you aren't prepared to straight-up end your relationship with her then you do nothing.  Frankly that was all some petty shit in your OP.  Like PP said, the only thing your bridesmaids have to do is show up at the wedding in the selected attire, which should be selected with the budget they give you and their comfort in mind.  That's it.  If you're worried about her flaky tendencies, build that into your considerations.  Don't try to coordinate everyone ordering their dress through the same shop; it's not necessary and dye lots are not an issue these days.  If she volunteers to help you with something for the wedding (not her job, but she may choose to volunteer), either nicely turn her down or keep in mind that she  may not show up after all and plan accordingly.  Stay out of planning issues with your bridal shower (if you have one) altogether.

AddieCake

Yeah, that was all pretty petty. Does she seem kind of flaky and childish? Sure. But unless you want to end the friendship and be the asshole who kicked someone out for silly shit, then suck it up. You can always let the friendship fizzle later and naturally on its own if you no longer care about it.

[Deleted User]

Knottie4952479 said:

climbingsingle

Jesus. This is such childish drama. Most of your basis for kicking her out is what she did to another person.

ohannabelle

Pimento cheese? 

Holy mother on a pogo stick, that's bad. That's crossing serious lines of decency.

I'd cut a bitch for that. 

climbingsingle

ohannabelle said:

Pimento cheese? 

Holy mother on a pogo stick, that's bad. That's crossing serious lines of decency.

I'd cut a bitch for that. 

She also gave a gift POSSIBLY FROM HER HOUSE.

MyNameIsNot

You are being extremely petty. Who cares if she doesn't help with a shower or gives a regift? Is that what you really think being a BM is about? 

Her job as a BM is to get a dress within the agreed upon budget, and to show up on the day of the wedding. As long as you understand that this is the only requirement of any of your BMs, she can't disappoint you. 

Expecting her to help throw a shower, give gifts, and make your wedding a priority in your life are going to blow up in your face. She can spend her money and her free time any way she damn well pleases. And all this gossiping with Anna is juvenile. If you are adult enough to be getting married, you should be long past that. 

[Deleted User]

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downtondiva

Everything you've mentioned has to do with someone else's wedding, not yours. Focus on what has gone on between you and Courtney, not Courtney and someone else, if you're seriously considering "unasking" her. Kicking someone out of your WP is a friendship ending move, and you need to decide if she's done something bad enough to you to justify that. If she hasn't, then you're just going to have to suck it up, and if you're still annoyed with her after the wedding, let the friendship fade out after that.

MairePoppy

You've know Courtney since 9th. grade. She's been a good friend to you. Sure, she's cheap, but you knew that and asked her to be a bm anyway. I'll assume that's because she has some redeeming qualities. Don't kick her out of your wedding party.

If she brings Pimento cheese to your shower, send it to me. My friend, a transplant from GA, brought me some Pimento cheese that her Granny made. It's the best stuff ever.

CMGragain

If Courtney has any sense, she will voluntarily withdraw from your wedding party and never speak to YOU again. How old are you, anyway?   Sheeesh!  Suck it up, Bridezilla.  JMHO.

southernbelle0915

Knottie4952479 said:

Since being engaged, I've noticed a change between us and can only pin point some of her actions as being jealous (not these listed included). Courtney has always been that friend who shows up late and fibs about why shes late. She also cheaps out on gifts and always puts her self first, and always makes things about her..

She has the money to buy all this stuff but chooses to blow it on vacations, clothes, spa days and other frivolous things. 

Background Facts:

- Courtney has always been flakey

- Courtney has always been selfish

- Courtney has always been a little dishonest

- Courtney has always been chronically late

- You have known Courtney since 9th grade (I don't know how old you are, but that's presumably a long time). 

Current Facts:

- You asked Courtney to be in your wedding despite knowing her for this long and her tendencies.

- Anna asked Courtney to be in her wedding despite knowing her for this long and her tendencies.

- You and Anna are gossiping about Courtney and her tendencies which you both have known for a long time.

- People don't magically change their ways/personalities because you have a ring on your finger.

- You are stuck with Courtney unless you want to end your friendship with her - because kicking someone out of your wedding will end the friendship.

Look, I get being frustrated. But you KNOW this girl. And you asked her anyway. And now you're expecting that she'll all of a sudden be reliable, unselfish and all about you/Anna because y'all are getting married. It doesn't work like that.

jacques27

I find it interesting that you only seemed to finally notice how "selfish" and "cheap" she is when it could finally potentially affect you/your wedding.

You picked her.  It sounds like she's kind of always been this way, you just didn't start caring until it meant that maybe you wouldn't get the shower/bachelorette party/wedding you wanted.  If you want to end the friendship altogether, know that it's you being the petty horrible friend, not her and kick her out.  Otherwise, accept your friend, flaws and all, and realize that her not being attentive enough to your wedding isn't a crime.  After the wedding, figure out where your friendship stands, whether you actually find her behavior as a whole so appalling that you just want to fizzle it out or whether now that your wedding is over and it's not about you anymore that it's tolerable and you want to maintain some contact.

ShesSoCold

How DARE her spend her money on herself! Doesn't this bitch know you're a BRIDE?

Maggie0829

jacques27 said:

I find it interesting that you only seemed to finally notice how "selfish" and "cheap" she is when it could finally potentially affect you/your wedding.

QFT

NowIamMrsKlein

Knottie4952479 said:

She also RSVPed to Annas baby shower and never showed up. And also ordered her dress two months later than she was supposed to for Annas wedding.none of the other bridesmaids could get their dress until she completed the order!

She has the money to buy all this stuff but chooses to blow it on vacations, clothes, spa days and other frivolous things. 

When at my dress fitting,Courtney told my bridesmaids that we should go to Charleston because that's where she likes to go. Not where "I" would like to go.

I'm really curious how personal vacations and clothing are deemed frivolous but a 'uniformed bridesmaid dress' isnt...

You cannot dictate how people spend their money, and you can't expect people to not spend money on themselves leading up to your wedding, and then expect them to spend money on you. Think about that.

"How dare she go on vacation and buy new clothes, ALL THAT MONEY SHE IS SPENDING SHOULD BE SPENT ON MY WEDDING"

Peoples lives continue on as per usual, your wedding or not. I was my sisters BM last year. I gave her my budget that I could afford for a dress. The next month my FI and I bought a new car. Do you honestly think that I should have forgone buying a vehicle because 'that money could have gone towards a more expensive dress and a higher end gift for my sister?'

You've asked her to be a bridesmaid, shes you're bridesmaid, unless you want to effectively end the friendship. 

levioosa

Oh man, she cheaps out on gifts?!?! THE HORROR.