Moms and Maids

Mother in law is an Alchoolic

My FMIL is a major alcoholic. To give a little background she had gastric bypass in 2009 and about one glass of wine will get her drunk, but she normally drinks a whole bottle or more. I am worried because every time she is drunk she gets very verbally abusive towards her husband and her son (my FI) mostly telling them how there worthless and stuff like that. I am terrified she will do this at our wedding and ruin bolt mine and my FI day. We have tried to get her help but she is in denial about her drinking and we do not know what to do, since his dad just chooses to ignore it.

Re: Mother in law is an Alchoolic

  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My FMIL is a major alcoholic. To give a little background she had gastric bypass in 2009 and about one glass of wine will get her drunk, but she normally drinks a whole bottle or more. I am worried because every time she is drunk she gets very verbally abusive towards her husband and her son (my FI) mostly telling them how there worthless and stuff like that. I am terrified she will do this at our wedding and ruin bolt mine and my FI day. We have tried to get her help but she is in denial about her drinking and we do not know what to do, since his dad just chooses to ignore it.
    1) Unless she somehow prevents you marrying your FI, I would hope the day would not be totally ruined. If this is ongoing behavior, has your FI learned to ignore it? 

    If so, it shouldn't really be a problem. You can both realize that people don't change just because there's a wedding, and both ignore her behavior. 

    If not, is your FI concerned about this too? How much does it affect his mood? Is there any question of not inviting her? (Because again, people don't change just because there's a wedding, so if he wants to totally avoid this scenario, one way to do it is for him to accept that he won't be inviting his parents.)

    2) You can't prevent just your FMIL from drinking, but it is a perfectly acceptable hosting choice to have a dry wedding.
    OliveOilsMomthemuffinman16[Deleted User]
  • My FMIL is a major alcoholic. To give a little background she had gastric bypass in 2009 and about one glass of wine will get her drunk, but she normally drinks a whole bottle or more. I am worried because every time she is drunk she gets very verbally abusive towards her husband and her son (my FI) mostly telling them how there worthless and stuff like that. I am terrified she will do this at our wedding and ruin bolt mine and my FI day. We have tried to get her help but she is in denial about her drinking and we do not know what to do, since his dad just chooses to ignore it.
    1) Unless she somehow prevents you marrying your FI, I would hope the day would not be totally ruined. If this is ongoing behavior, has your FI learned to ignore it? 

    If so, it shouldn't really be a problem. You can both realize that people don't change just because there's a wedding, and both ignore her behavior. 

    If not, is your FI concerned about this too? How much does it affect his mood? Is there any question of not inviting her? (Because again, people don't change just because there's a wedding, so if he wants to totally avoid this scenario, one way to do it is for him to accept that he won't be inviting his parents.)

    2) You can't prevent just your FMIL from drinking, but it is a perfectly acceptable hosting choice to have a dry wedding.


    I agree with the above. You will not be able to do anything for your FMIL unless she admits she has a problem.

    My only other suggestion would be to see if a trusted family member can run interference on your wedding day so that she doesn't drive.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    If she won't get help, there is nothing you can do on that end. As for your wedding, why not have a dry wedding if this possibility "terrifies" you?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Maggie0829
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    AddieCake said:

    If she won't get help, there is nothing you can do on that end. As for your wedding, why not have a dry wedding if this possibility "terrifies" you?

    This. You also might consider having security if necessary.
  • blabla89blabla89 Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Your options are:
    1. Don't invite either of them.

    2. Invite them. If FFIL is invited then FMIL must be invited as well. If she is drunk and really making a scene, someone may need to ask them to leave. That someone should be security or a DOC. Please don't put a friend or family member in the position of having to do this.

    Ultimately, it's your FI's decision since his family. I know that is a difficult decision, and I'm sorry you're in this position.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker



  • You may consider having a dry wedding. But if she's a true alcoholic and knows it's a dry wedding, I wouldn't put it past her to bring her own flask or make some trips out to her car. You know her best, so can make a better judgement there.

    If it's her MO to do this, I don't see why she wouldn't do it at the wedding. I would just seat her far away from y'all so you don't have to listen to her blabber.
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    lnixon8MairePoppy
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    You have a few options...
    1) Have a dry wedding
    2) Don't invite her or FFIL (but this decision needs to be left up to your FI, not you)
    3) Invite them but talk to your DOC or have security on hand to remove her if she begins to make a scene.

    tcnoble
  • I have a similar problem.  My FFIL is one.  We've done an intervention.  You may want to look up the book Love First.  We followed the procedure and although he didn't get help the way we wanted (rehab) he did say he is going to meetings.  It's really hard to approach this subject but if you are worried for the wedding, you may want to have your fiance sit down and talk to her.  My fiance's brother had to do this before his wedding and for the most part, his father was alright.  I don't really remember if he was drinking or not- but nothing stands out.  It's super difficult to deal with these situations, but it's best to deal with them rather than ignoring them.  We are pretty much going to ask that he not drink at the wedding or he will be asked to leave.  You have to stay firm with the rules you create because if she calls your bluff and you give in, she will know that she has nothing to lose.  Give her a bottom line, if you drink at the wedding- you will be asked to leave.  

    So sorry you have to go through this, it's hard but it's better to address this.  Not only for the wedding, but for the future.
  • DH's birth mother is an alcoholic. She attended the wedding, and the bartenders cut her off when they determined she'd had enough. Had she continued poor behavior, security would have escorted her out. Trust your venue, and even discuss with your coordinator ahead of time if it's especially concerning to you. 
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    MairePoppy
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    " We have tried to get her help but she is in denial about her drinking and we do not know what to do, since his dad just chooses to ignore it."

    What's your FFIL supposed to do about it? He can't force her to stop drinking. He can only control his own actions. Have any of you attended Al-anon meetings?

    I agree with PP's advice in regards to your wedding. If you choose to serve alcohol, let your banquet manager know about the problem, but honestly, your FMIL won't be the only alcoholic at your wedding. I would trust the bartenders to shut off anyone who's had too much.

    Also, use a seating plan to your advantage. Seat your FILs with people who will expect good behavior from FMIL - her own parents, her best friend, her siblings etc...

                       
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