Looking for advice! Family Problems - nonwedding

psychbabe314

My younger brother (16) has had issues with with weed for several years now. We caught in ~2 years ago smoking weed and we barely managed to get him to quit 10 months ago. He had been smoking weed for almost three years at that point. My mom switched him to a new high school and she began to cut back the money she gave him.

Well, this weekend my mom let him go to a concert. It went bad. She picked him up three hours later from the hotel. She just told me about this and now she is talking about sending him to stay with me and FI for a week. I don't think it is a good idea, but she is set on it.

Advice? I told her why it would make me uncomfortable having him, but she keeps insisting that he needs his big sister and a male figure (FI). What would you do? Should I invite him to come visit? Should I put my foot down and say no? I just wish we had some sort of idea about how to keep him clean.

psychbabe314

@scribe95 Ah, it would be after he is done with school and summer school in a month or two (he has a lot of catching up to do because he failed his freshman year of high school).

I would love for him to visit, but he lives in the United States and I am living in Japan with FI. The issue with him visiting is that if he were to try and bring anything with him or if he was to get it here and was caught, we would also get deported. If he gets arrested here for anything, then it would also fall onto FI and I and we would also be deported. FI would lose his job. Also, FI seemed worried that it seems more of a reward than anything for him to be allowed to come all the way out here because of the situation.

I wish I was there to go and try to talk to him. I sent him an email, telling him I heard about what had happened and asked if he was okay. I told him that he knows how I feel about the situation and that I am sure he knows how disappointed my mom is in him. I told him if he needs to talk, to please email me or skype me. This time, it did escalate beyond what he was doing before. He was caught having a bad trip with LSD. He lost $300 (dropped it/"friends" stole it/who knows) and he and his friends tore apart the hotel room, which my mom has to pay for.

We have done drug addiction counseling, and he is required to speak to a professional at the school about it once a week. It is the reason that my mom choose the school, because they have peer programs and adult mentors that specialize in this.

Sorry this post is so long, but drugs have been such a terrible part of my family's lives for the past five years. It has taken a huge toll on us and I am tired of it a bit. I have opened up to him, listened to the issues and why he does it. I have tried being a big sister, and I have tried to be "the adult". It just is exhausting.

huskypuppy14

psychbabe314 said:

My younger brother (16) has had issues with with weed for several years now. We caught in ~2 years ago smoking weed and we barely managed to get him to quit 10 months ago. He had been smoking weed for almost three years at that point. My mom switched him to a new high school and she began to cut back the money she gave him.

Well, this weekend my mom let him go to a concert. It went bad. She picked him up three hours later from the hotel. She just told me about this and now she is talking about sending him to stay with me and FI for a week. I don't think it is a good idea, but she is set on it.

Advice? I told her why it would make me uncomfortable having him, but she keeps insisting that he needs his big sister and a male figure (FI). What would you do? Should I invite him to come visit? Should I put my foot down and say no? I just wish we had some sort of idea about how to keep him clean.

How is him smoking weed affecting him? Are his grades slipping, is he fighting. I know he's only 16, but weed itself is not the most horrible thing he could be doing. Teenagers are going to drink and they are going to smoke weed. 

Why do you not want your brother to stay with you for a week? 

ohannabelle

My younger brother (16) has had issues with with weed for several years now. We caught in ~2 years ago smoking weed and we barely managed to get him to quit 10 months ago. He had been smoking weed for almost three years at that point. My mom switched him to a new high school and she began to cut back the money she gave him.

Well, this weekend my mom let him go to a concert. It went bad. She picked him up three hours later from the hotel. She just told me about this and now she is talking about sending him to stay with me and FI for a week. I don't think it is a good idea, but she is set on it.

Advice? I told her why it would make me uncomfortable having him, but she keeps insisting that he needs his big sister and a male figure (FI). What would you do? Should I invite him to come visit? Should I put my foot down and say no? I just wish we had some sort of idea about how to keep him clean.

A little more information is needed here, I think. 

Smoking weed is pretty vague. 

There are loads of teenage boys who smoke weed (they absolutely should not. Like alcohol, this is an adult activity) and manage to safely conceal it from their families and keep their grades up and continue being normal godawful teenage boys with only an increase in junk food consumption and general stupidity to show for it. No other crisis, no other destructive behaviors result. They get caught, parents crack down, hideous punishment ensues, they straighten the fuck up. 

(If this was the case, I doubt you'd have posted.)

And then there are the destructive out of control behavior types. Hanging out with really bad people, stealing, lying, completely refusing to respect parental authority and other associated crimes, and stoned every day party animal types. Grades dropping, missing school, in danger of failing. Crisis time. 

Where exactly is your brother on this behavior comparison?

And what exactly is it about your brother staying for a week that makes it a bad idea and makes you uncomfortable? Is it that he might bring drugs, or other behavior, or just that you aren't up for a one week visit being foisted on you? It's just not clear. 

[Deleted User]

.
.

[Deleted User]

.

psychbabe314

@huskypuppy14 @ohannabelle He cannot keep up his grades when
he begins to smoke weed. In the past, he has skipped school and lied to my mom
and me. He hangs out with people who do things that are worse. People smoke
weed, hell, I’ve tried it once or twice when in high school. Having him stay
with me could be an issues because he does not listen to people. If he were to
try and get drugs here, in Japan, or if he was arrested for any reason, then my
FI would lose his job and all three of us would be deported together.

psychbabe314

@pinkrevenge Yes… my mom decided to give him a bit of
freedom, for the first time in 10 months. He had been so good! He was even
leading support groups at other schools in the area to discuss drugs and what
they can do to you. He has been getting at least C’s, but mostly A's and B's in all his classes and
really seemed to be working hard. He started doing work for a neighbor which is
where he got the money, but will no longer be doing that. My mom is in counseling,
and this is not our first rodeo with drugs. My dad dies last April due to a
drug addiction, of course, he was doing hardcore drugs, not weed.

To clarify, he started smoking weed when he was 12, but when
he was caught at school, his school let him off with a week expulsion. They basically told my mom there was nothing they could do, which is
one of the reasons she switched schools because she needed to find more help.

theartistformerlyknownas

Sounds like your mom needs just as much of a wake-up call as he does. She can't just ship him off to sister's house when things get tough - he is HER responsibility and she's honestly doing a pretty shitty job right now. Totally agree with Pink - if he's getting into this much trouble, WHY is he still getting any money or freedom AT ALL? An international summer vacation is the last thing he should be getting. There is no way I'd let him come if it were my brother, even without the legal/professional implications you have going on.

ETA after your last update just before mine... I'm sorry about your dad, and maybe I'll lighten up on your mom A BIT. But no, he cannot ever go back to those friends again. He needs to cut ties with them completely for this to be a permanent change and not he's not just behaving on the surface. My H's family went through a similar thing... his dad OD'ed when he was 13, and his sister went down the EXACT same path and suffered the same fate 10 years later.

Are they going to Nar-anon meetings or anything like that? 

huskypuppy14

psychbabe314 said:

@huskypuppy14 @ohannabelle He cannot keep up his grades when
he begins to smoke weed. In the past, he has skipped school and lied to my mom
and me. He hangs out with people who do things that are worse. People smoke
weed, hell, I’ve tried it once or twice when in high school. Having him stay
with me could be an issues because he does not listen to people. If he were to
try and get drugs here, in Japan, or if he was arrested for any reason, then my
FI would lose his job and all three of us would be deported together.

I missed that you live in Japan. Your mother and  brother live in the US? I think it's ridiculous your mother wants to ship your brother off to Japan for a week? That makes no sense.  She needs to be a parent, and deal with her son.

psychbabe314

I do have to disagree with my mom doing a shitty job. I'm sorry, but my entire family has been at there wits end here. Even weed, which isn't the worst thing to be caught with, is devastating for my family because of my dad.

My counselor has reminded me at almost every session while I saw him, even though I disagree with her methods sometimes, I have to remember that she is trying her best. She had a partner, my dad, for 25 years before he became addicted to drugs and becoming a single mom has not been easy on her.

She lost 5/6ths of the home income when my dad died and she has been working hard to finish her PhD and work multiple jobs (2-5 at a time) to support three kids that live at home, and she still managed to find the time and money to help me with my last semester of college when I was absolutely broke (she has four kids total: me (23), my brother (21), my sister (18), and little brother (16)) . She does what she can, and any single mom who has had to deal with this situation, I am sure would commend her for her hard work.

theartistformerlyknownas

psychbabe314 said:

I do have to disagree with my mom doing a shitty job. I'm sorry, but my entire family has been at there wits end here. Even weed, which isn't the worst thing to be caught with, is devastating for my family because of my dad.

My counselor has reminded me at almost every session while I saw him, even though I disagree with her methods sometimes, I have to remember that she is trying her best. She had a partner, my dad, for 25 years before he became addicted to drugs and becoming a single mom has not been easy on her.

She lost 5/6ths of the home income when my dad died and she has been working hard to finish her PhD and work multiple jobs (2-5 at a time) to support three kids that live at home, and she still managed to find the time and money to help me with my last semester of college when I was absolutely broke (she has four kids total: me (23), my brother (21), my sister (18), and little brother (16)) . She does what she can, and any single mom who has had to deal with this situation, I am sure would commend her for her hard work.

Sorry, I said that about your mom before your comment before mine posted. That's a pretty darn important detail you left out of your OP and first few comments!

I totally understand what a bigger deal weed becomes when you have that history with your dad, and when it's been such a longstanding problem with your brother that is now clearly escalating. Nar-Anon meetings are meant for people who have been affected by other people's drug addictions - I think they could help a lot in the aftermath of your dad's passing, and help your brother to realize the path he does NOT want to take. 

Sometimes people's "best they can do" comes up a little short - we're all only human. It sounds like she needs to step it up a notch, and sending him to Japan is not the appropriate course of action.

levioosa

My brother started smoking when he was probably 12 or 13. He was experimenting with harder drugs by the time high school hit, and now he is serving a two year sentence for drunk driving. I am sorry you are dealing with this.

I know why your mom is asking this of you. She thinks it will get him away from the bad influences, and that your fi will become some kind of father figure that your brother will magically and suddenly listen to. It sounds like your brother is getting into it pretty deeply though. He's admitted to weed and LSD, his grades are dropping, and he's destroying property, which probably means there's more going on. My brother still says he's only an alcoholic. *snort* This sounds very different from the average teenager who smokes the occasional bowl on a weekend and acts stupid, but ultimately harmless.

Your mom needs to get to nar-anon and get some resources. Shipping him off somewhere else won't work; he'll just find it wherever he goes. Changing schools was a good effort on her part though. I can't even imagine trying to process this as a single mom. The past decade of drug abuse tore my parents apart. It wasn't until my mom started to see a counselor and attended AA that she began to get a focused plan in place and see that she had been enabling my brother for years. So I won't crucify your mother for that. Drug abuse and addiction is an incredibly painful and confusing thing to deal with as a family member.

He'll hate you, but it sounds like it's time for tough love. Your mom has to be willing to open her eyes and do it though. I also think it is unfair to ask this of you. She tries to save one by putting the other at risk? That's not right either, but I get why she thinks it is. My parents put me in some very harmful and unsafe situations over the years because they were trying to help my brother (misguidedly, but at least they were trying). It was extremely hard on me, and now they regret ever doing it. They now see it was wrong to place me in some of the positions they did. I was never meant to be my brother's babysitter, and it wasn't right to put the responsibility of his actions on me. My brother and I still have a non-existent relationship because I refused to enable his behavior (he still blames me for refusing to drive him to his friends house a few years ago, when I knew the purpose was to get drunk and high, for example. The blame is that I didn't want him to have fun). It sucks, and I'm pretty sure we will never have a good relationship, but at least I know that I never enabled him.

I am so sorry to hear this. Joining a nar-anon group or attending meetings yourself would probably be very beneficial.

psychbabe314

Thanks! I think that it does seem pretty unanimous though, having him come visit is going to be a no go. I think that I will encourage my mom to maybe bring my brother to more ANON meetings or at least discuss possible next steps with his counselor, but I will tell her that he cannot come to visit, not because I don't want to help him, but because it is too much of a reward to visit another country.

[Deleted User]

.

KatieinBkln

Your mom sounds exhausted and like she needs a break, but I agree with you that sending a person with poor judgment and drug issues to a foreign country is a horrible idea (has she seen Locked Up Abroad? Yikes!)

I think you need to say no, firmly, but suggest that they find a summer-long rehab facility for your brother. His problems are officially bigger than what your mom can handle alone. It doesn't mean she sucks; it just means she's not equipped. Very few people are, when it comes to this stuff.

Based on what you said about your brorhher's progress earlier, it sounds like he probably wants to get better--but when he gets freedom and access, his addiction still speaks louder than his desire to stay clean. That means, to me, that he needs some intensive training on developing better coping mechanisms when he's put in stressful situations. (Eventually he'll be on his own and the stressful situations that comprise adulthood will be his to bear alone, without mom or school to insulate him). An in patient program might be able to give him these skills.

Good luck--my heart goes out to you, your mom, and your brother too.

psychbabe314

@pinkrevenge I agree, my brother (21) lives at home. He is
autistic and has trouble holding a job. He pays for his own stuff, but he works
a minimum wage job and is trying to pay off the semester of college that he
took plus some bills from a car accident. My mom has been letting him live with
her for free. My sister (18) graduates from high school in a month. She will go
to college next year. She has a job, but she still splits the cost of some
stuff with my mom.

AddieCake

I'm just not sure shipping my teenager off to a foreign country for a week is how I would handle this. If it were within the same country, that would be different, but if he gets in trouble there, the consequences would be epic. Is there any way you could come home for a short visit?

psychbabe314

@KatieinBkln I like the suggestion, I think I'll research some summer programs that maybe offer some sort of financial help to send to my mom. Maybe there are some that offer a discount for people who work for the center during their rehab?

psychbabe314

levioosa thank you for sharing your story. I know there are people out there with similar situations and hearing things, both good outcomes and bad outcomes, help me a lot. I did attend several ANON meetings, but they were difficult at the time because of where I was with my dad. I do wish to attend more and share my story when I move back to the US.

psychbabe314

AddieCake said:

I'm just not sure shipping my teenager off to a foreign country for a week is how I would handle this. If it were within the same country, that would be different, but if he gets in trouble there, the consequences would be epic. Is there any way you could come home for a short visit?

I actually am buying a ticket home tomorrow. It is for many reasons (my dog may need to be put down, and it is a surprise for my sisters graduation) so this is just another reason for me to go home for a bit longer. I am planning to be home for a week and a half, but am considering two weeks because of everything.

Edit: I will be visiting in the middle of May

bride2b71614

Sooo...I work in a drug rehab center, and some of my most difficult clients are teenagers. I've noticed that their parents often bail them out of trouble so that their children won't have to face the consequences that result from drug use.

So far your brother hasn't dealt with the consequences because your mother enables him (giving him money, letting him go out with friends, coming to get him when things got bad at the concert etc.).

Your mother has tried several avenues with him (special schools, essentially being grounded for a few months, counseling) but they don't seem to work.
Personally, I think your family needs to let him fall on his face and not protect him anymore. Choices and actions have consequences. Until those consequences are put in place, your brother has the potential to get worse.

Ultimately, your brother isnt your responsibility and you shouldn't have to worry about consequences that would affect you if he visits. It's not worth the risk. Tell your mom no, and don't provide an explanation.

ohannabelle

@huskypuppy14 @ohannabelle He cannot keep up his grades when
he begins to smoke weed. In the past, he has skipped school and lied to my mom
and me. He hangs out with people who do things that are worse. People smoke
weed, hell, I’ve tried it once or twice when in high school. Having him stay
with me could be an issues because he does not listen to people. If he were to
try and get drugs here, in Japan, or if he was arrested for any reason, then my
FI would lose his job and all three of us would be deported together.

That would be a serious ass problem. So, yep, I'd say exactly that to my mom. No. If he were to try and get drugs here, in Japan, or if he was arrested for any reason, then my FI would lose his job and all three of us would be deported together. So the answer is no. End of discussion.

That being said, what the hell, with your Mom? Any problem (weed or otherwise) that's been going on for years and hasn't been resolved, is a serious parenting problem, not just a problem with your brother. Mom needs to step up. 

A couple of big red flags in the original post:

she began to cut back the money she gave him, and this: my mom let him go to a concert. It went bad. She picked him up three hours later from the hotel. 

What? You don't give any money to kids with drug or alcohol problems. That means none.  And a sixteen year old with a drug or alcohol history sure as hell shouldn't be trusted to go to a concert and stay alone in a hotel without a responsible adult. That's a genuinely terrible judgment call. I wouldn't have allowed the hotel thing for any kid, even a rule following well behaved kid. 

Mom needs to take that Japanese vacation money and get both their asses into family counseling. She needs to figure out how to effectively discipline and command respect as a parent, he needs to straighten up, sober up, and follow rules. This needed to happen yesterday. 

There are a million community resources for dealing with this. His school counselors can probably recommend excellent programs and local therapists/ counselors.  

No parent is perfect, no child is perfect. Things happen that parents just don't know how to deal with. That's when you get help from professional people who have experience. If you don't know how to effectively fix a problem, you learn how, and what you're doing wrong. You just don't let it keep happening while you continue being ineffective. That's like standing around putting band aids on a broken leg because you don't want to deal with a hospital. Mom needs to step up. 

I think you're entirely within your rights, as a sister, to say so. 

psychbabe314

bride2b71614 said:

Sooo...I work in a drug rehab center, and some of my most difficult clients are teenagers. I've noticed that their parents often bail them out of trouble so that their children won't have to face the consequences that result from drug use.

So far your brother hasn't dealt with the consequences because your mother enables him (giving him money, letting him go out with friends, coming to get him when things got bad at the concert etc.).

Your mother has tried several avenues with him (special schools, essentially being grounded for a few months, counseling) but they don't seem to work.
Personally, I think your family needs to let him fall on his face and not protect him anymore. Choices and actions have consequences. Until those consequences are put in place, your brother has the potential to get worse.

Ultimately, your brother isnt your responsibility and you shouldn't have to worry about consequences that would affect you if he visits. It's not worth the risk. Tell your mom no, and don't provide an explanation.

Ah, I think it would be a good thing for him. I have actually told my mom before, when I lived nearby, that if I catch him with weed or anything else, I will call the cops on him, but I have never been the one to catch him. He will get no more money and is not allowed to go anywhere but school and home again.

I do have a question though, because we have been told that you have to encourage them to be open. If they smoked weed, don't scream and freak out, encourage them to tell you so that you can discuss it and find a way to avoid it again, do you personally think this is a good way to handle the situation?

FiancB

Granted I skimmed and am tired so maybe I missed something, but I'm really confused as to why your mom wants to ship him to Japan for a week over this. Is it to visit you/Japan and the weed smoking is a separate issue? If she just wants him off her hands, it's an odd way to do it. 

Teen or not, he has to want to quit before he will. Nagging him about it is not going to help. That said, enabling him by giving him money isn't the greatest idea, either. IDK. It kinda sounds to me like he's being a petulant teen in general and I doubt it's the weed that's causing all the problems. 

Is it realistic to try to find drugs in Japan? IDK, I don't even know where to buy it here, let alone in a foreign country where I don't know Japanese and most other people won't speak the greatest English. I kinda think you're overthinking things A week is just not a whole lot of time to wreak a lot of havoc. 

[Deleted User]

.

psychbabe314

FiancB said:

Granted I skimmed and am tired so maybe I missed something, but I'm really confused as to why your mom wants to ship him to Japan for a week over this. Is it to visit you/Japan and the weed smoking is a separate issue? If she just wants him off her hands, it's an odd way to do it. 

Teen or not, he has to want to quit before he will. Nagging him about it is not going to help. That said, enabling him by giving him money isn't the greatest idea, either. IDK. It kinda sounds to me like he's being a petulant teen in general and I doubt it's the weed that's causing all the problems. 

Is it realistic to try to find drugs in Japan? IDK, I don't even know where to buy it here, let alone in a foreign country where I don't know Japanese and most other people won't speak the greatest English. I kinda think you're overthinking things A week is just not a whole lot of time to wreak a lot of havoc. 

Ah, to answer your question, it is to ensure that he is away from the kids that are also smoking weed or using LSD. I think that levioosa said it best in a post above about what her thinking may be. And yes, it is realistic to find drugs in Japan.

While I do think that one week is not a lot of time to get into trouble, the consequences of what could happen (FI losing his job and all of us getting deported) is a real threat that could happen and no matter if it is a low chance it is a chance I am not sure my FI and I want to take.

psychbabe314

@pinkrevenge I guess so :-) I mean, I know that freaking out is not the best way (that was just an extreme example) but at some point, you have to get a little harder, which is where my mom needs to get too.

FiancB

So at the end of the week he'd be home from vacation and straight back to where he started. 

IDK If I had a kid and he was in a circle of friends that I felt were putting him on a downward spiral, I would move away if that's what it took. Sending him to another country for a week isn't gonna do shit. 

psychbabe314

@FiancB I agree, a week doesn't do much. Yes, if we were in the states, it would be different. Maybe he could have my FI to turn to for a male figure, but a week with me and FI won't change that right now. I wish moving was easy for them. Eventually, when finances are better and she can find a better job (hopefully with her PhD and then she will work only one job), I have encourage her to move back home to be near her family so she can have a more solid support group, but it is not a possibility right now.

[Deleted User]

.