Wait for the offer or ask if they would like to contribute?

harmony528

Marriage #2 for me, #1 for him

I got married in 1998 at my 1st son's christening, no one but my mom knew that we were having a mayor show up to marry us (in a drunken state of hers she convinced me a few days prior to do so). My dad and stepmom weren't there, my brother wasn't, and my granparents weren't. We divorced last year after years of verbal/emotional/mental abuse... and were separated for a while before hand. My dad never liked my ex or how he treated me. He does however absolutely adore my fiancée. He will finally get to walk me down the aisle, thankfully with the right one! Should I just wait to see if he offers to pay for anything or should I ask on it? If I were to ask, what's the etiquette to go about this? I didn't think I should just ask, as my fiancées family hasn't offered or mentioned anything, and I know his dad is flying across the country for the wedding... but I didn't want to wait until the last minute to know.

downtondiva

It's great if family members offer to help, but no one is obligated to do so, and it is ultimately your responsibility to pay for the wedding you choose to have. I'd say go ahead and plan something you and your FI can afford on your own; that way, if your father does offer, great, but if he doesn't, you won't be any worse off. Good luck!

lovegood90

harmony528 said:

Marriage #2 for me, #1 for him

I got married in 1998 at my 1st son's christening, no one but my mom knew that we were having a mayor show up to marry us (in a drunken state of hers she convinced me a few days prior to do so). My dad and stepmom weren't there, my brother wasn't, and my granparents weren't. We divorced last year after years of verbal/emotional/mental abuse... and were separated for a while before hand. My dad never liked my ex or how he treated me. He does however absolutely adore my fiancée. He will finally get to walk me down the aisle, thankfully with the right one! Should I just wait to see if he offers to pay for anything or should I ask on it? If I were to ask, what's the etiquette to go about this? I didn't think I should just ask, as my fiancées family hasn't offered or mentioned anything, and I know his dad is flying across the country for the wedding... but I didn't want to wait until the last minute to know.

You should plan the wedding you can afford and if people offer to help, you're free to accept their money if you want. But you can't ask people for money.

lilacck28

downtondiva said:

It's great if family members offer to help, but no one is obligated to do so, and it is ultimately your responsibility to pay for the wedding you choose to have. I'd say go ahead and plan something you and your FI can afford on your own; that way, if your father does offer, great, but if he doesn't, you won't be any worse off. Good luck!

This. If he wants to contribute, he'll (almost definitely) bring it up himself. You asking puts him in a difficult/ uncomfortable position which I'm assuming you do not want to do. 

ps- the etiquette is basically that you should not ask about money. Only exception is if he first tells you he wants to contribute, without any coaxing from you, but doesn't specify what he wants to contribute to. Then you can ask him "would you want your gift to go towards the food, or...?" 

blabla89

Etiquette says it is never appropriate to ask for money. It is no one's responsibility to pay for a wedding except the bride and groom. Plan the wedding you can afford on your own without anyone's help, unless they ask.

On a practical note, if someone does offer to contribute, don't count on it until that money is in your bank account. Also, know that whoever pays gets a say, and money always comes with strings attached.

southernbelle0915

Etiquette is that you pay for your own wedding and party without asking anyone for money. 

I get why younger brides may be confused about this because they may be accustomed to being on the payroll of their parents, but from your timeline, I suspect you've been on your own for quite some time now. Don't expect anyone to chip in.

MandyMost

While I totally agree with all the above advice, these are your parents, not random strangers or coworkers or something. Communication is a beautiful thing. If you have a good relationship, you should be able to bring up the wedding and have a conversation. It's 100% inappropriate to ask for money, but if you have the type of relationship where you openly communicate you can say that you're starting to plan the wedding, and ask if they want to be involved in anything. They should take the hint to mention money. 

kvruns

blabla89 said:

Etiquette says it is never appropriate to ask for money. It is no one's responsibility to pay for a wedding except the bride and groom. Plan the wedding you can afford on your own without anyone's help, unless they ask.

On a practical note, if someone does offer to contribute, don't count on it until that money is in your bank account. Also, know that whoever pays gets a say, and money always comes with strings attached.

I agree with you except for the "money always comes with strings attached".  My parents are giving what amount to about 2/3 of the total cost but there are no strings.  My mom said if I was younger and having something bigger they may have wanted to have more say/input in it but they trust me and my decision making to use the $$ however we see fit for the wedding.  There are no strings.

I do understand I am in the minority here, where a lot of people receive money and then end up caving to demands.  I have included my family in it and asked for some input since they are paying for some but ultimately the decisions made are what we want and not my parents' opinions.  

redoryx

harmony528 said:

Marriage #2 for me, #1 for him

I got married in 1998 at my 1st son's christening, no one but my mom knew that we were having a mayor show up to marry us (in a drunken state of hers she convinced me a few days prior to do so). My dad and stepmom weren't there, my brother wasn't, and my granparents weren't. We divorced last year after years of verbal/emotional/mental abuse... and were separated for a while before hand. My dad never liked my ex or how he treated me. He does however absolutely adore my fiancée. He will finally get to walk me down the aisle, thankfully with the right one! Should I just wait to see if he offers to pay for anything or should I ask on it? If I were to ask, what's the etiquette to go about this? I didn't think I should just ask, as my fiancées family hasn't offered or mentioned anything, and I know his dad is flying across the country for the wedding... but I didn't want to wait until the last minute to know.

Neither. You plan the wedding and your FI can afford. If your family offers down the road, great. If not, not a big deal since you'll be already planning at a level that won't break your bank.

bmydesigner

Ditto PP's. Just like if you were on a shopping trip with one of your girlfriends and picked up a bunch of really nice clothes, you wouldn't ask her to pay at the register would you?

Plan for what you can afford, and as a tip too - save for more than what you plan on spending or have an emergency savings. Sometimes shitty things happen in life and you have to use the money that you've been saving for your wedding on other things.

harmony528

Thank you for all of your responses... I didn't want to ask for money :-) Wedding is well underway with us paying for... I just wasn't sure. My dad started to mention one day how he was looking up etiquette as to who pays for what, but I switched conversations as it was the right time for the discussion with certain people around. I just wanted to make sure that I'm not supposed to ask/mention lol! Yes I am a grown adult on #2 marriage, #1 wedding though lol... but all intentions of us covering it all! Thank you sooooo much for being honest!

southernbelle0915

harmony528 said:

Thank you for all of your responses... I didn't want to ask for money :-) Wedding is well underway with us paying for... I just wasn't sure. My dad started to mention one day how he was looking up etiquette as to who pays for what, but I switched conversations as it was the right time for the discussion with certain people around. I just wanted to make sure that I'm not supposed to ask/mention lol! Yes I am a grown adult on #2 marriage, #1 wedding though lol... but all intentions of us covering it all! Thank you sooooo much for being honest!

I would tell your dad that "etiquette" is that he doesn't pay a dime and just shows up as a honored guest. "Tradition" has some people paying for certain things.

But tradition =/= etiquette. 

redoryx

southernbelle0915 said: harmony528 said:Thank you for all of your responses... I didn't want to ask for money :-) Wedding is well underway with us paying for... I just wasn't sure. My dad started to mention one day how he was looking up etiquette as to who pays for what, but I switched conversations as it was the right time for the discussion with certain people around. I just wanted to make sure that I'm not supposed to ask/mention lol! Yes I am a grown adult on #2 marriage, #1 wedding though lol... but all intentions of us covering it all! Thank you sooooo much for being honest!

I would tell your dad that "etiquette" is that he doesn't pay a dime and just shows up as a honored guest. "Tradition" has some people paying for certain things.
But tradition =/= etiquette. 
**boxes boxes*

This, plus, if you've been married before, you've had a wedding. A wedding happens when two people get married. So, yes, it's your second marriage and your second wedding.

[Deleted User]

Plan to pay for everything yourself, if they offer while planning, Great!!! It was #1 for me #2 for hubby (his family didn't like #1). We planned on everything ourselves. His parents insisted on paying for rehersal dinner so I worked w/MIL to plan event. When I bought my wedding dress we were in the process of buying a house & our bank said, don't make any large purchases on your credit cards for the next two weeks if you can avoid it. So after picking out my dress I asked my mom if I could put it on her card and explained why she was like sure. I told her I would give her the cash once the paperwork for our mortgage closed in a week. Her bill wouldn't be due for 3 weeks. So it all was fine. When it came time to pay the credit card bill, my parents surprised me and told me that the dress, slip & veil were their gift to me since we were paying for everything else.