friend brings different guest than her husband... I'm ok with it?

twojunebrides

A co-worker (and close friend) of mine is invited to my wedding.  I invited her and her husband, but not their 3 children.  She told me today that her husband will probably stay home to work, and take care of kids. (Its a 6 hour drive for them).... I was ok with that.... not super close to her husband.  

She offhandedly mentioned that her friend "Kate" has family near the wedding town and that maybe she will travel with and visit family.  I said "Kate" is welcome to come to our wedding if her husband is unable to make it.

Is this ok?   I mean, I invited her husband, but if he doesn't come, I have space and budget available for her to bring another guest.  I honestly don't care who she brings... I just don't want to have made some awkward etiquette mistake. 

huskypuppy14

twojunebrides said:

A co-worker (and close friend) of mine is invited to my wedding.  I invited her and her husband, but not their 3 children.  She told me today that her husband will probably stay home to work, and take care of kids. (Its a 6 hour drive for them).... I was ok with that.... not super close to her husband.  

She offhandedly mentioned that her friend "Kate" has family near the wedding town and that maybe she will travel with and visit family.  I said "Kate" is welcome to come to our wedding if her husband is unable to make it.

Is this ok?   I mean, I invited her husband, but if he doesn't come, I have space and budget available for her to bring another guest.  I honestly don't care who she brings... I just don't want to have made some awkward etiquette mistake. 

You're fine. It's not poor etiquette to accommodate a guest of a guest. But it was not great of your friend to fish for an invite for her friend.

larrygaga

You are fine! You did not have to extend the invite, but it always makes for a better party to make your guests as comfortable as possible.

mikenberger

The wedding police are not going to come and ticket you or arrest you for allowing a guest to bring a guest that the invite was not intended for. If you're okay with it, it's not a big deal Now, her fishing for an invite is kind of crappy but once again, if you're alright with it, it's not a big deal.

novella1186

I did pretty much this same thing. I have a friend who's driving about an hour to the wedding and won't know many people there. She RSVPd and said her SO can't make it, so I told her if she wanted to bring someone else it was totally fine. I thought it would be more fun for her if she didn't have to travel alone and whatnot. 

There's nothing wrong with letting a guest bring someone else-- the host can do that. On the flip side, if the guest decides they want to bring someone else, that's rude. Invites are not interchangable. KWIM? 

Maggie0829

Perfectly fine and I am sure your friend appreciated the offer.

Jen4948

What you did is fine. It's okay for hosts to be willing to accept substitute guests if they're okay with it.

But it isn't okay to solicit invitations for other guests from hosts, whether they're substitute guests or originally invited guests. Your coworker should not have raised the issue.

twitterbird

What you did is fine. I did similar things with some people whose spouse or SO couldn't make it. I told them to bring someone else. I already had budgeted for it so what odds.

Maggie0829

Jen4948 said:

What you did is fine. It's okay for hosts to be willing to accept substitute guests if they're okay with it.

But it isn't okay to solicit invitations for other guests from hosts, whether they're substitute guests or originally invited guests. Your coworker should not have raised the issue.

Her friend did not solicit an invite for Kate.  She just mentioned that Kate has family in the same town and may accompany her on the drive.  In no way did she ask OP if Kate could come in her H's place.  OP extended the invite

twojunebrides

Thanks all, 

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

What you did is fine. It's okay for hosts to be willing to accept substitute guests if they're okay with it.

But it isn't okay to solicit invitations for other guests from hosts, whether they're substitute guests or originally invited guests. Your coworker should not have raised the issue.

Her friend did not solicit an invite for Kate.  She just mentioned that Kate has family in the same town and may accompany her on the drive.  In no way did she ask OP if Kate could come in her H's place.  OP extended the invite

Yeah, It really didn't feel like she was soliciting for an invite... 

I'm all about my guests having a good time (which is why we gave plus ones to our single guests)... If bringing a friend will help you enjoy yourself, awesome. 

lembaslover

I did the same thing for a guest when she said she didn't know if her boyfriend could make it, I told her to feel free to bring someone else so she didn't have to travel all the way alone. I'm not sure if she is yet or not but it's fine either way, we had budgeted for 2 people so to me there really isn't a difference if it's her boyfriend or a friend.

lyndausvi

I would have done the same thing.       

groomguy87

I agree with the others, it's perfectly fine as long as you are comfortable with it and you were budgeting for 2 people anyway.

Jen4948

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

What you did is fine. It's okay for hosts to be willing to accept substitute guests if they're okay with it.

But it isn't okay to solicit invitations for other guests from hosts, whether they're substitute guests or originally invited guests. Your coworker should not have raised the issue.

Her friend did not solicit an invite for Kate.  She just mentioned that Kate has family in the same town and may accompany her on the drive.  In no way did she ask OP if Kate could come in her H's place.  OP extended the invite

Why bring up Kate at all if she wasn't fishing for an invitation for her? She could have arranged to drive in with Kate without mentioning her at all. And that's what she should have done.

Maggie0829

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

What you did is fine. It's okay for hosts to be willing to accept substitute guests if they're okay with it.

But it isn't okay to solicit invitations for other guests from hosts, whether they're substitute guests or originally invited guests. Your coworker should not have raised the issue.

Her friend did not solicit an invite for Kate.  She just mentioned that Kate has family in the same town and may accompany her on the drive.  In no way did she ask OP if Kate could come in her H's place.  OP extended the invite

Why bring up Kate at all if she wasn't fishing for an invitation for her? She could have arranged to drive in with Kate without mentioning her at all. And that's what she should have done.

Sorry but I guess I just don't always think the worse of people or assume that they are fishing for an invite.  I guess if I was having a conversation with someone then that would just come up. God forbid this person share information with her friend.

aloha5736

Someone did this to me....a family member of mine said they couldn't come.  His wife asked if she could bring her relative who i've never met or briefly met.  I unfortunately had to say no.  Budget and the pure fact I didn't know the person, if she decides to come she will know people there.  I didn't understand why she needed to bring someone.

Maggie0829

aloha5736 said:

Someone did this to me....a family member of mine said they couldn't come.  His wife asked if she could bring her relative who i've never met or briefly met.  I unfortunately had to say no.  Budget and the pure fact I didn't know the person, if she decides to come she will know people there.  I didn't understand why she needed to bring someone.

It was perfectly fine for you to say no.  But to use budget as a reason when you had already budgeted for two people is kind of silly.  And some people would rather not attend events alone/feel more comfortable with a friend or date whether they will know others in attendance or not.

lyndausvi

Maggie0829 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

What you did is fine. It's okay for hosts to be willing to accept substitute guests if they're okay with it.

But it isn't okay to solicit invitations for other guests from hosts, whether they're substitute guests or originally invited guests. Your coworker should not have raised the issue.

Her friend did not solicit an invite for Kate.  She just mentioned that Kate has family in the same town and may accompany her on the drive.  In no way did she ask OP if Kate could come in her H's place.  OP extended the invite

Why bring up Kate at all if she wasn't fishing for an invitation for her? She could have arranged to drive in with Kate without mentioning her at all. And that's what she should have done.

Sorry but I guess I just don't always think the worse of people or assume that they are fishing for an invite.  I guess if I was having a conversation with someone then that would just come up. God forbid this person share information with her friend.

exactly.    

twojunebrides

lyndausvi said:

Maggie0829 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

What you did is fine. It's okay for hosts to be willing to accept substitute guests if they're okay with it.

But it isn't okay to solicit invitations for other guests from hosts, whether they're substitute guests or originally invited guests. Your coworker should not have raised the issue.

Her friend did not solicit an invite for Kate.  She just mentioned that Kate has family in the same town and may accompany her on the drive.  In no way did she ask OP if Kate could come in her H's place.  OP extended the invite

Why bring up Kate at all if she wasn't fishing for an invitation for her? She could have arranged to drive in with Kate without mentioning her at all. And that's what she should have done.

Sorry but I guess I just don't always think the worse of people or assume that they are fishing for an invite.  I guess if I was having a conversation with someone then that would just come up. God forbid this person share information with her friend.

exactly.    

Gosh, I agree.  This friend and I work together-- we talk daily about everything (often things I wouldn't tell many other people).  To be honnest, I'm excited that she'll be bringing Kate, as i've gotten to know Kate well, and unfortunately couldn't invite her to the wedding. 

aloha5736

I didn't give her a reason....I just said "no sorry we couldn't substitute" LOL.  In my head I knew my reasons.

AddieCake

I remain firmly in the camp of who cares who the invitee brings as their "date" as long as the invitee was given a date in the first place. Not knowing the person they bring is stupid. I didn't even meet my own MIL until the night before the wedding, and there were several spouses I had never met until my wedding day.

 And budget? Ummm, if someone budgets for Aunt Sally and Uncle Bruce and Aunt Sally ends up bringing Friend Ann, how the fuck does that change budget at all?  I did poorly in math in school, but I'm pretty sure that's still the same number of people. 

aloha5736

1+1 = 2 I get it.  The person who asked me to substitute wasn't my immediate family, she married into my family and a spouse of my cousin.  I barely know her, met her maybe 3 times.  If my cousin asked me to substitute it would have been a different story.  

It's like if my soon to be husband's family member, who I met once, was getting married.  I would only go because my fiance was invited.  My fiance can't go.  The last thing i would do is call the bride up and ask to bring my Mom, in substitution to her own family member.  If anything I would RSVP for "1 person" and go with his family or RSVP "no".  

Budget was probably the wrong choice of words.  $250 per person....I don't know either of them, crossed my mind.  I just felt weird she even asked me, I barely know her to begin with.

indianaalum

Totally fine and very sweet. Recognizing that a 6 hour drive for your guest by herself is hard is very thoughtful of you. It's nice of you to extend the invite

Maggie0829

aloha5736 said:

I didn't give her a reason....I just said "no sorry we couldn't substitute" LOL.  In my head I knew my reasons.

Yeah and your budget reason was a dumb one.  You budgeted for two people regardless, so if Sally brought her husband or her son or some random person off the street your budget would have not have been messed up.

MyNameIsNot

aloha5736 said:

1+1 = 2 I get it.  The person who asked me to substitute wasn't my immediate family, she married into my family and a spouse of my cousin.  I barely know her, met her maybe 3 times.  If my cousin asked me to substitute it would have been a different story.  

It's like if my soon to be husband's family member, who I met once, was getting married.  I would only go because my fiance was invited.  My fiance can't go.  The last thing i would do is call the bride up and ask to bring my Mom, in substitution to her own family member.  If anything I would RSVP for "1 person" and go with his family or RSVP "no".  

Budget was probably the wrong choice of words.  $250 per person....I don't know either of them, crossed my mind.  I just felt weird she even asked me, I barely know her to begin with.

The $250 is totally irrelevant. You chose to spend that much, not her. You budgeted for this guest and her spouse. This guest and her friend would have cost the same amount.

Unless you went over budget (which is what it sounds like), budget has nothing to do with not allowing her to bring a substitute guest.