Need advice: SIL lost her mom, not sure how to proceed.

ksb262

My SIL who is a bridesmaid in my wedding recently lost her mother to breast cancer. I have excluded her from messages and trivial things because seriously my wedding is not more important than allowing her time to grieve. With that said I don't want her to feel like I'm excluding her because I don't want to be bothered or I no longer want her in the wedding. I don't deal with death well, and I'm not sure what to say or do. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. 

Maggie0829

I am sorry for your SIL loss.

What kind of messages are you sending out?  I am just not sure what all you need to discuss with your BMs about your wedding, unless it is about their attire.

The best thing to say when someone loses a parent or very close family member/friend is to just say that you are so very sorry for their loss and that you are there if they need anything.

NowIAmSyp

This isn't a wedding question- it's a friend question.  I would just reach out to her as a friend, and see how she's doing.  Take her out to lunch, bring her dinner, go out and have a drink together... just show her you support her.  There's no need to mention the wedding at this point.  Just be there for her.  

And I hear you, I never really know what to say either.  You can't go wrong with "I'm so sorry.  I'm here for you- please let me know what I can do to help."  And go from there...  

novella1186

soontobesyp said:

This isn't a wedding question- it's a friend question.  I would just reach out to her as a friend, and see how she's doing.  Take her out to lunch, bring her dinner, go out and have a drink together... just show her you support her.  There's no need to mention the wedding at this point.  Just be there for her.  

And I hear you, I never really know what to say either.  You can't go wrong with "I'm so sorry.  I'm here for you- please let me know what I can do to help."  And go from there...  

Exactly this. Depending on how far away your wedding is, there is no need to mention anything about it at all (like details about what time things are happening, whatever. That can all be said when you're just a couple weeks out). So you don't need to exclude her, but you [probably] don't need to be talking about things with the other girls either. 

For now, reach out to her and make sure she's ok. Put that as your first priority, and then talk about your wedding at some later time. 

ksb262

Thank you ladies. And it is messages for the attire we are trying to get all the details figured out. At this point she is the only maid w/o a dress. I have reached out and let her know I'm here if she needs me but I just wanted to be sure I was right in giving her time apart from the wedding madness, cause like I said I don't really deal with death,this is the first death I have been around since high school.  

Jen4948

I'm very sorry.

The one thing you can say to her is "I'm so sorry for your loss." But otherwise, just try to be a sympathetic ear and let her know you're there for her. That's what most people need after a recent loss of a loved one.

novella1186

ksb262 said:

Thank you ladies. And it is messages for the attire we are trying to get all the details figured out. At this point she is the only maid w/o a dress. I have reached out and let her know I'm here if she needs me but I just wanted to be sure I was right in giving her time apart from the wedding madness, cause like I said I don't really deal with death,this is the first death I have been around since high school.  

Are all your girls wearing the exact same dress? If so,  I assume she can still order hers a little later and it will be fine. If they're all picking their own, does she know the parameters on what to pick? If this is the case, then-- again-- she can get hers a little later and be fine. 

After some time has passed, I would think it's ok to talk to her about her BM dress. At a certain point, she may even appreciate the distraction. I know when my best friend died, I really appreciated other people treating me "normally" and giving me a chance to step away from my grief, ya know? I wouldn't want to be un-included from important wedding stuff and treated like a china doll because it would -- to me-- just highlight the tragedy I'm going through. 

Maggie0829

novella1186 said:

Thank you ladies. And it is messages for the attire we are trying to get all the details figured out. At this point she is the only maid w/o a dress. I have reached out and let her know I'm here if she needs me but I just wanted to be sure I was right in giving her time apart from the wedding madness, cause like I said I don't really deal with death,this is the first death I have been around since high school.  

Are all your girls wearing the exact same dress? If so,  I assume she can still order hers a little later and it will be fine. If they're all picking their own, does she know the parameters on what to pick? If this is the case, then-- again-- she can get hers a little later and be fine. 

After some time has passed, I would think it's ok to talk to her about her BM dress. At a certain point, she may even appreciate the distraction. I know when my best friend died, I really appreciated other people treating me "normally" and giving me a chance to step away from my grief, ya know? I wouldn't want to be un-included from important wedding stuff and treated like a china doll because it would -- to me-- just highlight the tragedy I'm going through. 

That is how I feel as well.  I may have suffered a loss but I also don't want to be handled with kid gloves.  It is a tough time but life does continue and I would rather be up doing things that are fun rather then being placed in a grieving bubble, like people are afraid to talk to me about anything but my loss.

ksb262

They are wearing the same dress and I think you all are right. I have been handling her like she'll break, I'll give her some time and then once she seems to be getting back to everyday life I'll start involving her again, but I'll make sure not to do anything major while she is grieving.