"No see we just had TWO weddings!"

XrebeccaX

Saw a Facebook post this week and immediately thought of this board:

An acquaintance posted that she was celebrating her anniversary (April 14 2012). Pictures were posted from the courthouse with the bride and groom high-fiving. Everyone looks so happy! 

Except they also had another wedding - church, white dress, wedding party, cake cutting, the whole 9 - on July 21 of the same year. The caption on the picture said something like "hey if you came to our wedding on June July 21 you DID see us get married, we just also got married on April 14!"

If I'd been invited to the "second" occasion and wasn't aware of the circumstances already....

O_O

fyrchk

I had a friend do this also. They "secretly" got married at the courthouse about 6 months prior to the wedding. Didn't tell anyone, then had a big church wedding. Their reasoning was that they wanted to be married because the bride was pregnant so prior to baby's birth, etc. My whole thing was...why not just tell us? I mean it's their prerogative, but just the way it was finally let out felt shady. And, it's not like I wouldn't have been happy for them either way.

arrrghmatey

fyrchk said:

I had a friend do this also. They "secretly" got married at the courthouse about 6 months prior to the wedding. Didn't tell anyone, then had a big church wedding. Their reasoning was that they wanted to be married because the bride was pregnant so prior to baby's birth, etc. My whole thing was...why not just tell us? I mean it's their prerogative, but just the way it was finally let out felt shady. And, it's not like I wouldn't have been happy for them either way.

My sister did this. For the exact same reason, and didn't tell anyone outside of the immediate family that they were already married. She went all-out PPD with the dress and everything else. She still refers to her PPD date as her anniversary. When I remind her, "Actually, you got married on such-and-such date. That was when it became legal," she just rolls her eyes and says "Yeah, whatever."

Yeah, okay….

novella1186

XrebeccaX said:

Saw a Facebook post this week and immediately thought of this board:

An acquaintance posted that she was celebrating her anniversary (April 14 2012). Pictures were posted from the courthouse with the bride and groom high-fiving. Everyone looks so happy! 

Except they also had another wedding - church, white dress, wedding party, cake cutting, the whole 9 - on July 21 of the same year. The caption on the picture said something like "hey if you came to our wedding on June July 21 you DID see us get married, we just also got married on April 14!"

If I'd been invited to the "second" occasion and wasn't aware of the circumstances already....

O_O

I don't think she understands the definition of the word "married." 

[Deleted User]

The only way that they would be "married" the second time is if they were doing a church ceremony for the sake of the marrige being recognized by the church. I've heard, and please correct me if I'm wrong, that some faiths, like catholic, may not recognize a marriage for religious purposes, if it wasn't performed in a catholic church. But if you never told your guests that was the case & that you legally were married months before, it's a PPD

JCbride2015

Erikan73 said:

The only way that they would be "married" the second time is if they were doing a church ceremony for the sake of the marrige being recognized by the church. I've heard, and please correct me if I'm wrong, that some faiths, like catholic, may not recognize a marriage for religious purposes, if it wasn't performed in a catholic church. But if you never told your guests that was the case & that you legally were married months before, it's a PPD

.... but you are still married on the legal date.  The church ceremony is not a wedding, it is called a convalidation.  So the church recognizes the marriage you already had.  Not a second wedding.

Maggie0829

JCbride2015 said:

Erikan73 said:

The only way that they would be "married" the second time is if they were doing a church ceremony for the sake of the marrige being recognized by the church. I've heard, and please correct me if I'm wrong, that some faiths, like catholic, may not recognize a marriage for religious purposes, if it wasn't performed in a catholic church. But if you never told your guests that was the case & that you legally were married months before, it's a PPD

.... but you are still married on the legal date.  The church ceremony is not a wedding, it is called a convalidation.  So the church recognizes the marriage you already had.  Not a second wedding.

And many churches are not fund of couples who treat convalidation as a blow out "wedding."

About two years before I even started to post on these boards, H's (then BF) sister came home for a visit.  She was engaged at the time but as we were sitting at dinner I notice a second band on her ring finger.  I lean into H and say "um, I think your sister is married."  Well not 30 minutes later she told us and her parents that she got married in Vegas because of visa issues that her H was having.  She then went on to have the big blow out church "wedding".  And even then, way before TK, I was rolling my eyes hard.

TrixieJess

JCbride2015 said:

The only way that they would be "married" the second time is if they were doing a church ceremony for the sake of the marrige being recognized by the church. I've heard, and please correct me if I'm wrong, that some faiths, like catholic, may not recognize a marriage for religious purposes, if it wasn't performed in a catholic church. But if you never told your guests that was the case & that you legally were married months before, it's a PPD

.... but you are still married on the legal date.  The church ceremony is not a wedding, it is called a convalidation.  So the church recognizes the marriage you already had.  Not a second wedding.

Yep, my parents were married in the Catholic Church when I was 6, their anniversary date stayed the same. 

XrebeccaX

The way it was explained was "insurance reasons." At the time they made some effort to keep it a secret but then they told one person, who told two people, who told four people, and on and on.

I had another friend who did this and the first time she even had a white wedding dress, etc. "But it's not my "official" dress!" Sigh

delujm0

The way it was explained was "insurance reasons." At the time they made some effort to keep it a secret but then they told one person, who told two people, who told four people, and on and on.

I had another friend who did this and the first time she even had a white wedding dress, etc. "But it's not my "official" dress!" Sigh

Ugh that's the WORST reason to do this.  I love when two consenting adults are completely unwilling to compromise.  "well, we wanted a big wedding, but i really needed insurance and didn't want to pay for it myself, so we got legally married, never told anyone, and then had a pretend wedding for our nearest and dearest."  Terrible.  Especially given the amount of people that would KILL to be able to have a legal wedding, and are unable to because of their sexual orientation.

 

FWIW, DH is self-employed, and therefore was responsible for his own insurance before we were married.  I work for a very large company that would cover him for far less than what he was paying on his own as soon as we got married.  You know what we did?  He paid for his own, separate, more expensive insurance for the over 6 years that he was self-employed while we were together before getting married.  And then after we got married and had the wedding that we wanted (ONE TIME), he jumped on my plan.

 

Yes, i understand that insurance can be prohibitively expensive, but if you truly cannot afford to buy your own, and the only way you can be insured is to get on your FI's policy, IMMEDIATELY, then your wedding is the courthouse wedding.  You get one wedding, not two, unless you get divorced in between.  It's called "compromise" and it's what adults do all the damn time.  Suck it up, buttercup.

madamerwin

Ugh. I have a friend who is doing this. She got married for reals last June for "insurance reasons" but they are having their "real" wedding this June (their excuse for not having the blowout last year was that the groom's family wouldn't have been able to make it). Immediate family and close friends know they are already married, but I am 99% sure it's not known to the greater guest list. She is using her maiden name until their "wedding" this June, and her status on FB still says "Engaged". And I know this PPD of theirs is costing a pretty penny, all to reenact their vows. It definitely irks me.

[Deleted User]

I hate the insurance reason! My fiance is paying out the ass for his coverage and we're still not jumping the gun to get married so he can be on my plan. This one makes me roll my eyes hard core.

JennyColada

The insurance thing really bothers me more lately.

I have a blood disease that, sans insurance, would have cost me $98,000 to cure. A couple of months prior to DH and I getting married I was iffy if I'd get fired, and wasn't sure if I'd be able to afford my insurance (and I couldn't get on then-BF's). Even then, and even though we already signed contracts and put deposits down that equaled tens of thousands of dollars, we still would have never considered having a quickie wedding and then still having the big blow out later.

lightningsnow

I despise hearing people claim to get "legally" married first because of insurance and then have their "real" wedding later.

I was on my parents' insurance up until the end of October of last year. The last day of my insurance I was also let go from my temp job. Either way I was going to have to find my own insurance. I went out and looked at the options and got insurance to last me until I could find another job that had benefits. I got my current job in the middle of December and only got my insurance through them last month. I was paying $132 each month for my insurance going through the Marketplace.

Not once did I turn to my BF and say, we need to get married now, when we aren't ready for it, so I can go on your insurance and then have a huge blow out down the line. It really isn't that difficult to put on your big girl/boy underwear and get your own insurance.

SP29

Oh that's annoying. It irks me that people think a wedding MUST have a white dress, big party, adoring fans (I mean guests...), and it's more about the vision than the union. 

What irks me most is when people hide it, or make excuses.

If you want to get married NOW for whatever reason- great, just own it, admit you are now married. AWESOME! 

If you want to have a big party at a later date, because you can afford it- great, just don't pretend it's your "real" or "official" wedding. AWESOME!