50th Anniversary - Siblings Ugh!

MesmrEwe

The parents are the type that they'd prefer to just have smaller dinner gatherings and "oh by the way we're having cake/dessert" to celebrate their 50th Anniversary and hate the idea of having to get dressed up or a big exhausting gala gathering where they don't really get to be present and savor the time with each and every guest (Ma also doesn't want to have to dress up).  Barring "just skip it" being what they planned to do to mark the occasion, multiple small intimate casual dinner gatherings is more my parent's style (no band, no DJ, no hoopla, no centerpieces, no photo tables, no favors, etc.), this has been discussed for YEARS at this point.  I'm on board because they are the guests of honor...  Bring out my/DH credit card because if someone doesn't plan it soon nothing will get done (and DH wants to do this because he doesn't get to have one for his parents - he's the otherwise non-existent party planner that thinks all this stuff happens with a magic fairy wand being waved, so he's not projecting anything)...  My other siblings and SIL "get" what's going on but have no opinion one way or the other except for one B/SIL...

I just got an ear-full from the brother who (SIL) wants one gigantic social gala event that the parents do not under any circumstance want (which basically would also limit out my Mom's side of the family and friends from "back home" who can't travel that far).  It's the "strings attached" IMO being follow what the parents who are the Guests of Honor want in a party(ies), not the 600 person gala gathering that this sibling/SIL want instead...  Is it wrong to have the string attached to our credit card coming out be "follow what the parents WANT in celebrating their 50th" not what that SIL wants???  My parents/I want STRESS FREE, my SIL, not so much... 

Jen4948

If you are the host and you are paying (not the same thing), you can plan it exactly as you see fit. But if you are sharing hosting with someone else, you need to compromise.

But the honorees (your parents) can pull the plug on the whole thing by just declining the honor of a party in their honor that doesn't work for them. But the caveat is that if they do that to your brother and SIL and then you throw them one, then they are going to feel hurt and I think you'll have to decide whether or not you want to die on that hill. (It could also be rude.)

My advice is for everyone involved to come up with a compromise. For example, it might be at a slightly more formal place where your mom could wear a nice pantsuit but not an dressy outfit, and the guest list is limited to guests your parents are okay with inviting. If that's not possible, then I'd forgo the whole thing and let your parents celebrate on their own.

flantastic

I do not understand people who want to throw a party ostensibly in someone's "honor," but do not care about what the honoree actually wants or would enjoy. What on earth is the point?

This party would be for your SIL, not for your parents. I had a shower that was really for my MIL, not me, and I went into knowing that I was really doing this as a favor to her. Your parents could make the choice to do that favor for your brother and SIL. But if I were you, I would not fund that endeavor, and I would ask your SIL why she thinks it is necessary or a good idea. I don't think it's a bad thing to say "I'm happy to throw a party for them with you, but only if it's the sort of party we know they'll enjoy, which is this."

NOLABridesmaid

I say do what the old people want to do.

[Deleted User]

I can't stand when "in law" children try to chime in when it's not their parents. Unless you were explicitly asked for an opinion or contribution, keep your mouth shut.

If my fiance ever wanted to plan something for his parents I wouldn't say a damn word until/unless asked.

I watched one aunt by marriage try to butt in on planning my maternal grandparents' funeral (died in a car accident together) while my dad and another aunt who were also "children in law" watched on like WTF?! It strained things with that aunt for a good while after the funeral.

MesmrEwe

100% our (DH&my) credit card for the deal (no debt), siblings not contributing in any way other than showing up to the family dinner on their actual anniversary.. 

My mom was going to discuss with my Dad the final part of it, but what it is "final answer" going to be (at this point)...  Apres' Party (family reunion on Ma's side is at a park earlier in the day, a great distance away, not all of my siblings can make it and most of the cousins will be heading home by early afternoon/evening) at a local hall, dinner with Ma's side of the family and (inner-circle) friends from where she grew up (~50) a "by the way we're having cake" type dinner since it's so rare that they get together..  ABSOLUTELY NO gala gathering or 100% cancelled on the spot...  (and yes, they want the "no gifts/cards, please dress casual, it's just dinner together" request)..  Hindsight 20/20 - her Brother wishes she'd have said something earlier - he hates potlucks just as much as we do and would have jumped on the idea of having the reunion at the hall with us hosting the dinner! LOL)

Then on the actual anniversary day my parents are having a mass said at their home parish (flat out telling the Priest & Deacon - no "fuss" over them ahead of time "we said our vows once already, what do we need to renew them for" LOL), and after mass, "cake in the church hall" as other couples there have done - parents "hosting", no "get the word out", NO pre-invites, and then siblings/SILs/DH/GC go to dinner..  (hence they're "hosting" even though I'd be the one lining up the cake(s) - which she just wants me to purchase pre-baked cakes and a tub of whipped icing from Sam's - she'll reimburse - and I just ice them up...)..  We'd also possibly cover dinner, but more than likely that's something that the parents would want to cover.. 

MesmrEwe

NOLABridesmaid said:

I say do what the old people want to do.

LOL - my Ma said "50th Anniversary parties are for old people, I don't feel old!"

Jen4948

Well, make that "no gifts/cards etc." request by word of mouth and don't put it in the invitations, and I think you're good to go.