Confessions of a wedding etiquette nature

blabla89

FI told FMIL that her aunt and uncle, who previously RSVPed no, were not welcome to decide they want to attend at the last minute. You know, catering counts and all that. We won't have seats and food for them. I guess we're going to die on this hill after all

banana468

Oh - I forgot that I put the ceremony and reception info on the main invitation.    Sorrynotsorry. 

larrygaga

blabla89 said:

FI told FMIL that her aunt and uncle, who previously RSVPed no, were not welcome to decide they want to attend at the last minute. You know, catering counts and all that. We won't have seats and food for them. I guess we're going to die on this hill after all

Good for you. Bitches need to fucking learn. 

blabla89

larrygaga said:

blabla89 said:

FI told FMIL that her aunt and uncle, who previously RSVPed no, were not welcome to decide they want to attend at the last minute. You know, catering counts and all that. We won't have seats and food for them. I guess we're going to die on this hill after all

Good for you. Bitches need to fucking learn. 

She was ragey when FI told her and said it would be "very unchristian of him" to not host them. Then she tried to get back at him by telling him that they weren't going to let his brothers (who are grown men and make their own decisions) attend the rehearsal before the RD. I seriously can't with FMIL this week.

knottie9c5ed33df4bbd226

kmmssg said:

When DD #3 got married we put adult only reception. 

Her biomom is one of 7, her stepdad is one of 10 siblings and both sides of the family are notorious for bringing extra guests.  DD and her DH wanted adult only and biomom had a BSC freak out.  BSC biomom wasn't paying a penny for the wedding, DH and I were.

After many phone calls with DD in tears about the demands of all those cousins being invited along with their kids we just bit the bullet and put adult only on the invitation and I did her RSVP's by name so there was no mistaking who was invited.

I had posted for months here about the craziness and even got some love for just biting the bullet on that one.

My mom is gunning hard for Adults Only on the invite..I never thought it was an issue until I saw it here.

annathy03

We also had a tip jar which we didn't see until it was too late, despite specifically asking our venue not to have one.  Rouge bartender got no extra tips from us, and H joked after that he should have taken it.

Out of my control, but my mom asked family on our side about their RSVP status before replies were due.

Oh, and we had some family members that were pissed we didn't put Adult Only on the invite.  My cousin wanted to bring her son as her date (and had my uncle call me about it after she asked my mom who clarified), and sorrynotsorry I'm not explaining to our other dozens of guests who left their kid home why yours is special when we aren't close.  Looking back I shouldn't have given her a plus one at all since that section of the family is known to cause drama, but it felt wrong to give one to all our single guests except her.

ShesSoCold

When we cancelled the original wedding and planned a new one for like a week later, I revoked the plus ones given to singles. It affected like two people (my sister and my best friend) and they hadn't planned on bringing a plus one to the first wedding anyway.

madamerwin

lurkergirl said:

I still love you.  I sent an invitation to a family where the grown kids still live at home, and I didn't send them their own invitation.  The horror! (sorry, if you dropped out of school and are now slinging weed from your parents' basement I don't count you as an independent adult--I know it's not my place to judge but I kinda do) 

I did this too. My three single, adult cousins still live at home, fully supported by their parents. One of them has a developmental disability, and the others are in college. They live together and they all travel together regularly. It seemed weird to send them all their own invites.

I also sent my invitations out at the 11 week mark - most people are traveling from out of state, and everyone was nagging me about when they would get their invitations. So I gave up and sent them early.

Also, FMIL recently asked us if we had a spare invitation we could send to her mom's cousins. He mom's 80th birthday is next week, and the cousins will not be able to make it to her party. So FMIL thought maybe they would be able to come to the wedding instead. Not a hill I am dying on; FMIL is paying for a good chunk of the wedding, so, sure. I'll invite Grandma's cousins who we have never met, even though it's kinda b-listing.

Oh, I also broached the topic of money with my dad, on the advice of my sisters. They told me that he would definitely contribute, but if I didn't bring it up, he may just forget (I'm not kidding, he kind of lives in his own little world where time does not exist). But I only brought it up, casually, once.

Now I feel like a terrible person. But I promise there will be no etiquette breaches that will affect the comfort of our guests. 

KatieinBkln

lolo883 said:

arrippa said:

We are not planning on having seats for the cocktail hour. There will be seats for all at the ceremony and reception but the cocktail hour will be in a different room with no seats.

Same for ours. There were some built in window seat benches.

There aren't seats at our cocktail hour either. It's on a porch adjacent to the reception hall, so there are some benches, but mostly it'll be a stand-and-mingle. People will have access to the indoors, though, if they get tired of standing.

redheadbride15

I started a Honeyfund before I lurked on TK for a while and saw that some people find them offensive and then I deleted it. My personal opinion is still that all registries are just as tacky as a honeymoon registry. So in the end we aren't registered anywhere and let's see what happens.

thisismynickname2

My husband replaced a groomsman who dropped out 2 weeks before the wedding. 

The groomswoman seemed more than thrilled to stand up for him, but, yeah. 

theartistformerlyknownas

blabla89 said:

She was ragey when FI told her and said it would be "very unchristian of him" to not host them. Then she tried to get back at him by telling him that they weren't going to let his brothers (who are grown men and make their own decisions) attend the rehearsal before the RD. I seriously can't with FMIL this week.

"Well Mom, you're right. I can't turn water into wine when the party runs dry. I am definitely not Christ-like in that regard, which is why we need an accurate count ahead of time."

peachy13

I nagged my mom about booking my bridal shower. The golf club she's a member at is where everyone has their showers in our town, and it books up fast. I knew my mom would throw me the shower there but I also know that she's a SUPER bad procrastinator, and if I didn't step in, I'd probably be having a Tuesday night shower at this place. So I nagged her to book it and she did and know I hear that every Sunday this summer is booked with a shower (including mine). Small high five to myself but I feel bad since that was super rude of me, and pretty uncharacteristic since I never ask my mom for things.

One of FI's friends invited himself to be a groomsman the day after we got engaged and FI wasn't planning to ask him. He said yes out of awkwardness but then had to have a talk to him two weeks later and tell him he hadn't planned to ask him, and essentially kicked him out. Somehow they're actually still buddies.

mrscomposer

- We had a one page, double sided invitation and no inserts

- I put 'reception to immediately follow', despite it being at a separate location.  Address information was included on the back, but gaps are common around here and a well-flowing timeline isn't.

- I had a virtual shower.  My bridesmaids were gung-ho to plan something for me, despite being two provinces apart and not being able to see me until the actual wedding.  They had grandmas, aunts & cousins over to one house where I appeared via Skype and they did a show and tell of the unwrapped gifts they brought.  Then they all got to visit and eat good food & drink mimosas, and I got to be sad and lonely.

ETA: I guess our invitations also had no clear indication who was hosting?  They said 'Desiring God's will in their lives and believing it includes each other, mrscomposer and Jcomposer invite you to blahblah'

swiftsticks

• Our invitations do not include a map of the ceremony location and reception location.
  
• We have a 30 minute gap, which is travel time between the two locations
  
• Due to the size of the wedding we're only giving+1's to non married guests that are in relationships. There are many people who are invited alone since they're not dating anyone (I've checked).
  
• We haven't sent out our invitations yet...it's 7.5 weeks away and people are starting to ask. We're held up because FI is making a website and is developing QR codes to make a unique login for each invitee. This means they can RSVP online and the website is only accessible to those invited. I didn't want our wedding website to come up on google when you search my name.
  

ElcaB

I'll play:

There was someone on the guest list DH & I felt pressured to invite, but we both had mixed feelings about inviting this person. Just before we sent out invites, DH & I agreed we would not invite the person. Cut to a few weeks later when DH had a change of heart and the person got an invite. Oh, well. 

Also, we cut a white cake but served cheesecake for dessert. I know everyone is against this but we did it for [insert list of reasons here] and I have zero regret. I'd still endorse it for other brides, too! 

theartistformerlyknownas

swiftsticks said:

• Our invitations do not include a map of the ceremony location and reception location.
  
• We have a 30 minute gap, which is travel time between the two locations
  
• Due to the size of the wedding we're only giving+1's to non married guests that are in relationships. There are many people who are invited alone since they're not dating anyone (I've checked).
  
• We haven't sent out our invitations yet...it's 7.5 weeks away and people are starting to ask. We're held up because FI is making a website and is developing QR codes to make a unique login for each invitee. This means they can RSVP online and the website is only accessible to those invited. I didn't want our wedding website to come up on google when you search my name.
  

The bolded are not etiquette violations at all.

The last one... seriously?? Nobody uses QR codes. Trust me, I work in digital analytics and people DON'T use them, most people don't even have a reader downloaded. He's wasting his time. Please consult this helpful flow chart.

KatieinBkln

lolo883 said:

swiftsticks said:

• Our invitations do not include a map of the ceremony location and reception location.
  
• We have a 30 minute gap, which is travel time between the two locations
  
• Due to the size of the wedding we're only giving+1's to non married guests that are in relationships. There are many people who are invited alone since they're not dating anyone (I've checked).
  
• We haven't sent out our invitations yet...it's 7.5 weeks away and people are starting to ask. We're held up because FI is making a website and is developing QR codes to make a unique login for each invitee. This means they can RSVP online and the website is only accessible to those invited. I didn't want our wedding website to come up on google when you search my name.
  

The bolded are not etiquette violations at all.

The last one... seriously?? Nobody uses QR codes. Trust me, I work in digital analytics and people DON'T use them, most people don't even have a reader downloaded. He's wasting his time. Please consult this helpful flow chart.

THANK YOU. Every time I see a QR code (less and less lately, for good reason) I think, How am I supposed to scan that thing? I'm not gonna download a special reader just so I can be tricked into "engaging" with some stupid ad on the subway.

I went with a PIN for my site. Sure, you'll be able to see that we exist on Google. But you won't be able to poke around, so that's fine by me.

bethsmiles

mrscomposer said:

- We had a one page, double sided invitation and no inserts

- I put 'reception to immediately follow', despite it being at a separate location.  Address information was included on the back, but gaps are common around here and a well-flowing timeline isn't.

- I had a virtual shower.  My bridesmaids were gung-ho to plan something for me, despite being two provinces apart and not being able to see me until the actual wedding.  They had grandmas, aunts & cousins over to one house where I appeared via Skype and they did a show and tell of the unwrapped gifts they brought.  Then they all got to visit and eat good food & drink mimosas, and I got to be sad and lonely.

That shower sounds really awful.

I'm pretty sure this is an etiquette mistake from the guest side of things - I was recently invited to a good friend's wedding and SO was not included on the invitation. I just went ahead and added him onto my RSVP. On friday the bride mentioned that she was excited to meet SO at the wedding so I figure it's all good. I'm assuming I probably should have actually called her and asked before sending in my RSVP.

charcoalandblush

- My biodad's name will be on the invites, even though he isn't hosing. DF's parents, my mom and my stepdad are hosting, biodad is basically just showing up with his GF, but it seemed cruel to leave him off when I'm listing everyone else. I was just like "meh... no harm no foul." Honestly to me it's not worth the hurt feelings of leaving him off.

- A lot of my adult cousins who live at home are getting invited on the same invite as their parents. None of them are actually coming (basically no one in my family has traveled outside of the state or stayed in a hotel in their entire lives, let alone flown 1500 miles away for a wedding), and it seems really wasteful to send like 20 extra separate invites for people who I know are going to decline.

- Alcohol service ends an hour before the actual reception ends. I know this is an etiquette no-no, but I'm not sure if I get a pass because it's the venue's rule and not ours. I'm sure at least some people will leave after last call regardless, even though we have the space and the DJ and everything for another hour.

- I'm double-inviting two shower guests. DF's female cousins are coming to one of my family showers, and I still invited them and their husbands to our couples shower. DF is SUPER close with their husbands and really wants them to be there, but it feels weird to invite the husbands and not the wives. Also these women did not have particularly etiquette-friendly weddings themselves (one had a gap and a cash bar at both the rehearsal dinner AND the reception, the other had an international DW PPD with ~70 guests, only about 10-12 knew that she was already married 3 months ago because reasons), and maybe this is the wrong attitude, but I don't feel like they have much room to judge.

annathy03

Wait, alcohol ending early is a no-no?  Almost every wedding I've been to and every venue (including ours) are tea/coffee/water for the last half hour of the reception time.  It's one thing to end it halfway through, but last call is generally a "hey, winding down" notice so you have time to finish your drink before catching the last shuttle.

If that is, our bar closed 30 minutes before the reception technically ended.  Actually 40, because they opened 10 minutes earlier than scheduled (had they asked I would have told them to bill us for the extra time if people still wanted drinks, but alas).

I did send separate invitations to adult cousins living at home, but sent one STD.  Extra postcards for their fridge seemed excessive, and I assumed since STDs aren't required anyway there was no harm in that.

H did not consult his groomsmen about tux price, but after seeing my shocked and appalled face did put down a deposit for each to make their cost less than the cheapest rental option he saw.

We did the "together with our families" line on invites because we could find no wording that credited my mom for hosting with us that didn't feel like we were snubbing H's parents.

theartistformerlyknownas

annathy03 said:

Wait, alcohol ending early is a no-no?  Almost every wedding I've been to and every venue (including ours) are tea/coffee/water for the last half hour of the reception time.  It's one thing to end it halfway through, but last call is generally a "hey, winding down" notice so you have time to finish your drink before catching the last shuttle.

If that is, our bar closed 30 minutes before the reception technically ended.  Actually 40, because they opened 10 minutes earlier than scheduled (had they asked I would have told them to bill us for the extra time if people still wanted drinks, but alas).

I did send separate invitations to adult cousins living at home, but sent one STD.  Extra postcards for their fridge seemed excessive, and I assumed since STDs aren't required anyway there was no harm in that.

H did not consult his groomsmen about tux price, but after seeing my shocked and appalled face did put down a deposit for each to make their cost less than the cheapest rental option he saw.

We did the "together with our families" line on invites because we could find no wording that credited my mom for hosting with us that didn't feel like we were snubbing H's parents.

Last call is a different story. That's usually mandated by law or at least venue policy. Different story when you only have the bar open for the first hour or something.

blabla89

lolo883 said:

blabla89 said:

She was ragey when FI told her and said it would be "very unchristian of him" to not host them. Then she tried to get back at him by telling him that they weren't going to let his brothers (who are grown men and make their own decisions) attend the rehearsal before the RD. I seriously can't with FMIL this week.

"Well Mom, you're right. I can't turn water into wine when the party runs dry. I am definitely not Christ-like in that regard, which is why we need an accurate count ahead of time."

Bahahaha I wish FI had come up with that in the moment! I think he told her it was unchristian of her to throw a temper tantrum when we originally didn't intend to invite these people.

annathy03

lolo883 said:

annathy03 said:

Last call is a different story. That's usually mandated by law or at least venue policy. Different story when you only have the bar open for the first hour or something.

Phew.  Agreed ending after an hour or whatever is rude, but I'd never even thought about Last Call being an issue.

madamerwin

lolo883 said:

annathy03 said:

Wait, alcohol ending early is a no-no?  Almost every wedding I've been to and every venue (including ours) are tea/coffee/water for the last half hour of the reception time.  It's one thing to end it halfway through, but last call is generally a "hey, winding down" notice so you have time to finish your drink before catching the last shuttle.

If that is, our bar closed 30 minutes before the reception technically ended.  Actually 40, because they opened 10 minutes earlier than scheduled (had they asked I would have told them to bill us for the extra time if people still wanted drinks, but alas).

I did send separate invitations to adult cousins living at home, but sent one STD.  Extra postcards for their fridge seemed excessive, and I assumed since STDs aren't required anyway there was no harm in that.

H did not consult his groomsmen about tux price, but after seeing my shocked and appalled face did put down a deposit for each to make their cost less than the cheapest rental option he saw.

We did the "together with our families" line on invites because we could find no wording that credited my mom for hosting with us that didn't feel like we were snubbing H's parents.

Last call is a different story. That's usually mandated by law or at least venue policy. Different story when you only have the bar open for the first hour or something.

Our caterer, who is supplying all the serving staff, has a policy that they will only serve alcohol for 5 hours. For our wedding, the bar opens at 5:30, last call at 10-10:15, and bar shuts down at 10:30. Technically the reception goes until 11pm, so we are ok with the 10:30 cutoff - that means people will start filtering out after the bar closes, and the place should be empty by 11 as planned (we have the venue until midnight, but we have to buffer in one hour of cleanup time.)

larrygaga

ElcaB said:

I'll play:

There was someone on the guest list DH & I felt pressured to invite, but we both had mixed feelings about inviting this person. Just before we sent out invites, DH & I agreed we would not invite the person. Cut to a few weeks later when DH had a change of heart and the person got an invite. Oh, well. 

Also, we cut a white cake but served cheesecake for dessert. I know everyone is against this but we did it for [insert list of reasons here] and I have zero regret. I'd still endorse it for other brides, too! 

Not entirely the same, but FI is a celiac so we have a separate cake tier on top. He chose chocolate peanut butter for our flavor, but we aren't serving that for anyone else. Not even to trend gluten dieters. We might have one fellow celiac come, so he can have a piece of our personal wedding cake. 

Everyone else gets carrot and lemon raspberry. They were both FUCKING delicious.  He sits while everyone eats pizza, they can all sit while I don't give them chocolate.

I was actually told by my baker and wedding coordinator/caterer that carrot was the most popular one they see people choose. We could only have 2 flavors, so I went with lemon over chocolate. I didn't do it out of spite, lol. 

larrygaga

charcoalandblush said:

- My biodad's name will be on the invites, even though he isn't hosing. DF's parents, my mom and my stepdad are hosting, biodad is basically just showing up with his GF, but it seemed cruel to leave him off when I'm listing everyone else. I was just like "meh... no harm no foul." Honestly to me it's not worth the hurt feelings of leaving him off.

- A lot of my adult cousins who live at home are getting invited on the same invite as their parents. None of them are actually coming (basically no one in my family has traveled outside of the state or stayed in a hotel in their entire lives, let alone flown 1500 miles away for a wedding), and it seems really wasteful to send like 20 extra separate invites for people who I know are going to decline.

- Alcohol service ends an hour before the actual reception ends. I know this is an etiquette no-no, but I'm not sure if I get a pass because it's the venue's rule and not ours. I'm sure at least some people will leave after last call regardless, even though we have the space and the DJ and everything for another hour.

- I'm double-inviting two shower guests. DF's female cousins are coming to one of my family showers, and I still invited them and their husbands to our couples shower. DF is SUPER close with their husbands and really wants them to be there, but it feels weird to invite the husbands and not the wives. Also these women did not have particularly etiquette-friendly weddings themselves (one had a gap and a cash bar at both the rehearsal dinner AND the reception, the other had an international DW PPD with ~70 guests, only about 10-12 knew that she was already married 3 months ago because reasons), and maybe this is the wrong attitude, but I don't feel like they have much room to judge.

I thought this was the norm? Mine ends a half an hour early. I don't think I saw any venue I toured that allowed the bar to go until the party stopped.

NowIamMrsKlein

One that I know that we will be doing is that our invitations will be going out ridiculously early.

Our venue requires final numbers a month in advance (why? beats me). And the last 4 family weddings, the bride and groom have sent out the invites super early. To the extent that our wedding is 4.5 months away and people are already asking if we've sent out the invites. I have them all ready and address and stuffed and ready to drop in the mail and I am trying to hold off as long as possible, but I know that I'll end up giving in and just sending them. 

lyndausvi

As much as I'm a stickler on etiquette. sometimes you have people  just do not understand . Sometimes you have to so direct it goes against etiquette.   

So telling 2 people the invite is ONLY is for them is not the same as telling people they need to give you cash.         Saying it's an adult wedding is not on the same level as saying they have to bring cash for dinner.

Sometimes breaking etiquette is for the greater good.  

sarahufl

- We over-invited for our venue. It ended up being the perfect number of people, but I was nervous for a minute there.

- I had a shower in my hometown but the women all shipped me gifts. They gave me little tokens representing them that I opened there. I actually don't feel bad about that at all bc it is kind of the norm for this group of women.

- I invited 3 people the day before the wedding. One was the friend of a family friend (who was already invited) who had recently immigrated from Iraq. I had never met him before but he came the day before (without me even asking) and helped us set up- he was a huge help. I invited him to come to the wedding and he did and had a really great time. It was the first social function he attended in the US and his first American wedding. He thanked us about a million times. He also came over (un-asked) the next day to help us clean up. The other 2 were a couple my parents know in a professional capacity- she is a lawyer and did their will. She came over 2 days before the wedding to loan my mom a hair comb she had worn to her own daughter's wedding. She was so excited to hear all about the details and the wedding that we ended up inviting them to come. They are very close friends with 2 of the other couples coming so it wasn't entirely random. I got ripped on here for inviting them, but I didn't care that much. Everyone enjoyed themselves and nobody got hurt.