2 Sister in Law's 1 unfriendly. I don't mind having one in the bridal party, but what do I do?!

oliviapsoto

There has already been drama with his family from the first date we set, and we finally decided to pick and choose out battles and chose a date that wasn't a close to his brother's high school graduation. Totally understandable why it's inconvenient but, his mother and sister just didn't approach us nicely about it. Him and I are on the same page which is the nicest part. He's perfectly fine with who I have in my wedding party side, which includes on of his sisters. But his sister pointed out how it'll start drama internally and now I'm not sure how to feel. I REALLY don't even want either of his sisters in the bridal party, but the one that is she's at least been there for me and basically pushed her way into our wedding planning. Which is fine, she's excited. The other sister called us ignorant and said she wasn't attending the wedding if we didn't change our date. She's a bit bitter towards us it seems and territorial and bossy. Idk what to do. I'm tried of trying to please everyone

LondonLisa

oliviapsoto said:

There has already been drama with his family from the first date we set, and we finally decided to pick and choose out battles and chose a date that wasn't a close to his brother's high school graduation. Totally understandable why it's inconvenient but, his mother and sister just didn't approach us nicely about it. Him and I are on the same page which is the nicest part. He's perfectly fine with who I have in my wedding party side, which includes on of his sisters. But his sister pointed out how it'll start drama internally and now I'm not sure how to feel. I REALLY don't even want either of his sisters in the bridal party, but the one that is she's at least been there for me and basically pushed her way into our wedding planning. Which is fine, she's excited. The other sister called us ignorant and said she wasn't attending the wedding if we didn't change our date. She's a bit bitter towards us it seems and territorial and bossy. Idk what to do. I'm tried of trying to please everyone

This was your first problem. If you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one. Yes, I know you are entitled to choose your own bridal party, but I agree, this can be perceived as a bit of a slight. I would have originally said don't put either of them in the wedding party since it sounds like you really don't like them, or have them be Groomswomen on your Fi's side, but since you already asked one of them, that ship has sailed. I would honestly be much more hurt if my Brother's wife had picked my sister and not me (as much as I would tell myself I'm not entitled to be in anyone's bridal party, I would be mentally re-hashing every conversation to see why I was purposefully left out) rather than not picking either of us. I know I'm an adult, and wouldn't spread the drama, but internally, it would sting. 

your choices:

1.) Keep it as it is, with one sister as a BM and the other not (and just ignore the drama).

2.) Add her as a BM, but that would seem like a last minute addition as you have already asked the other BMs already, which is fairly rude and could also start drama.

3.) Add her to do a reading at the wedding.

If I were in your shoes, I would go with 3 just to extend the olive branch. Normally, I do not like rewarding drama, but this is your fi's sister, so she is going to be in your life a long time. Plus it sounds like she has the ear of your FMIL. 

You really need to learn that "no" isn't a dirty word and that you need to set some healthy boundaries with these people. The reason they are difficult is because you let them. All of this could have been avoided with healthy boundaries and not doing "pity" BM invites. 

novella1186

LondonLisa and would also do option 3 just so she feels involved and has some kind of role in the wedding, but it still keeps her from being a BM which I think would end up being a huge pain in the ass to you, OP. 

I especially agree with that last paragraph; learn to say "No" and set some boundaries with these people. They're never going to change the way they behave so you need to learn to deal with them and stop trying to please them. 

oliviapsoto

Thanks for the tips ladies, I actually didn't officially ask anyone to be my bridesmaid yet, they've all been assuming they are/ His other sister that I didn't mind too much being one just because she is so supportive at times went through my little book and saw my list, and that's when she questioned why her other sister wasn't on there. So that was awkward. Oh boy, I just cannot wait to be his wife and on our own and not into this drama and feeling like a child to FMIL.  

lovegood90

oliviapsoto said:

Thanks for the tips ladies, I actually didn't officially ask anyone to be my bridesmaid yet, they've all been assuming they are/ His other sister that I didn't mind too much being one just because she is so supportive at times went through my little book and saw my list, and that's when she questioned why her other sister wasn't on there. So that was awkward. Oh boy, I just cannot wait to be his wife and on our own and not into this drama and feeling like a child to FMIL.  

I agree with PPs about having the other SIL do a reading.

But, if people are assuming they're in the wedding party and you're not correcting them that you haven't made any decisions yet, AND if they've seen some "lists" of your wedding party, it sounds like they're already basically in your wedding party.

Even if you haven't "officially" asked anyone, because of the above it would be hurtful not to have the one SIL (who saw your list) or anyone else who is assuming who you haven't corrected at this point. 

Maggie0829

oliviapsoto said:

Thanks for the tips ladies, I actually didn't officially ask anyone to be my bridesmaid yet, they've all been assuming they are/ His other sister that I didn't mind too much being one just because she is so supportive at times went through my little book and saw my list, and that's when she questioned why her other sister wasn't on there. So that was awkward. Oh boy, I just cannot wait to be his wife and on our own and not into this drama and feeling like a child to FMIL.  

Why in the world would you need to write down who you are considering having in your wedding party?  I'm sorry but this isn't something that you debate or weigh out pros and cons.  This is something that you should just know.  When you start wondering and questioning if so and so should or should not be in your wedding then that means that they shouldn't be in your wedding.

And if people are assuming they are in the wedding then you need to start correcting them.  "We haven't decided on our wedding part yet." is a great response.

You are making all of this far more complicated then it needs to be.  Close your eyes and visualize your wedding day.  Who do you see standing next to you?  Those are who you should ask.

novella1186

oliviapsoto said:

Thanks for the tips ladies, I actually didn't officially ask anyone to be my bridesmaid yet, they've all been assuming they are/ His other sister that I didn't mind too much being one just because she is so supportive at times went through my little book and saw my list, and that's when she questioned why her other sister wasn't on there. So that was awkward. Oh boy, I just cannot wait to be his wife and on our own and not into this drama and feeling like a child to FMIL.  

That was really rude and invasive of her. It's not her place to go through your stuff. I would recommend keeping wedding notes and whatnot in a google doc that she can't access, and only opening it when she's not around. She clearly has some boundary issues. 

oliviapsoto

When I close my eyes, I see him carrying me over his shoulders down the aisle as husband and wife! This all has been so way out of hand, my goodness you're right! All I want is this day to come and finally leave the night coming to our own home for the first time! The major issue is his secretly manipulating family and how I want to take a stand throughout this process and not let them dictate us anymore!

novella1186

oliviapsoto said:

When I close my eyes, I see him carrying me over his shoulders down the aisle as husband and wife! This all has been so way out of hand, my goodness you're right! All I want is this day to come and finally leave the night coming to our own home for the first time! The major issue is his secretly manipulating family and how I want to take a stand throughout this process and not let them dictate us anymore!

Then when they try to insist on something, just kindly say, "thank you for the suggestion, but I have that covered." And then change the subject. Do not discuss wedding stuff with them. Do not share details with them. You owe them nothing. Keep them at a distance so they can't bug you all the time and go on with the plans that YOU and your FI want. 

They can't dictate everything if you don't let them. And if all else fails, "NO" is not a dirty word. Just no. 

flantastic

oliviapsoto said:

When I close my eyes, I see him carrying me over his shoulders down the aisle as husband and wife! This all has been so way out of hand, my goodness you're right! All I want is this day to come and finally leave the night coming to our own home for the first time! The major issue is his secretly manipulating family and how I want to take a stand throughout this process and not let them dictate us anymore!

What?

LondonLisa

oliviapsoto said:

When I close my eyes, I see him carrying me over his shoulders down the aisle as husband and wife! This all has been so way out of hand, my goodness you're right! All I want is this day to come and finally leave the night coming to our own home for the first time! The major issue is his secretly manipulating family and how I want to take a stand throughout this process and not let them dictate us anymore!

Dafuq?

 

oliviapsoto

Hahaha, he's like 6'5; BIG guy, and wants to carrying me down the aisle lol.