Unwelcome opinion huring DH's family

mj8215

Um, yeah. I'm a (legal) immigrant to this country, and prior to that I was a legal immigrant to a very different country. I know about immigration. No matter if it happens because you are fleeing from terrible conditions in your home country, maybe as a kid that doesn't really have a say in whats going on and just has to trust that things are going to turn out for the best (= my first emigration) or as an adult, working her ass of to get her dream job and finally getting it ( = my second emigration), it still will always be a traumatic experience. And its definitely a touchy topic for me. And I have a valid work visa. And still even someone bringing up casually "so, what is going to happen with your visa in a few years?" really, REALLY stresses me out. I prefer not to talk about it except to people I trust. Your brother's girlfriend's case is much more complicated given her undocumented situation. I cannot even imagine the degree to which her stress must be amplified from mine. I would think she (and her boyfriend) has a low threshold to begin with. Them sharing this with you was in fact a sign of their appreciation and respect for you, and they probably were hurt to get a random vacation story about some guy who went to Mexico in response. 

I suggest you call him and talk about it and apologize if you have inadvertently offended them. I'm sure you didn't mean to. Sometimes humans offend other humans even if they don't mean to. Just apologize and show him that you care about him.

lc07

You obviously need to find out from them what was said that was offensive. But my first guess was you suggesting BIL "considers this", that he considers whether or not he wants to be with his GF knowing that this it could result in her having to leave the country for 10 years. And if he want to deal with that potential. I can see how that would come off as unsupportive of the relationship.

LondonLisa

mj8215 said:

Um, yeah. I'm a (legal) immigrant to this country, and prior to that I was a legal immigrant to a very different country. I know about immigration. No matter if it happens because you are fleeing from terrible conditions in your home country, maybe as a kid that doesn't really have a say in whats going on and just has to trust that things are going to turn out for the best (= my first emigration) or as an adult, working her ass of to get her dream job and finally getting it ( = my second emigration), it still will always be a traumatic experience. And its definitely a touchy topic for me. And I have a valid work visa. And still even someone bringing up casually "so, what is going to happen with your visa in a few years?" really, REALLY stresses me out. I prefer not to talk about it except to people I trust. Your brother's girlfriend's case is much more complicated given her undocumented situation. I cannot even imagine the degree to which her stress must be amplified from mine. I would think she (and her boyfriend) has a low threshold to begin with. Them sharing this with you was in fact a sign of their appreciation and respect for you, and they probably were hurt to get a random vacation story about some guy who went to Mexico in response. 

I suggest you call him and talk about it and apologize if you have inadvertently offended them. I'm sure you didn't mean to. Sometimes humans offend other humans even if they don't mean to. Just apologize and show him that you care about him.

Ditto this- My mum is a Xhosa (South Africa) and moved to Ireland as a legal immigrant on a student and later work visa. She said one of the hardest things before she met my dad was people who would ask "What are you going to do when your visa is up?" This was during Apartheid, where she had to jump through political hoops and bribe so many people to even be allowed to have a passport and out of the country. South Africa was a horrible to a black women at that time. Her people were being murdered by the police by necklacing (which is one of the most horrific things one can do to another), raped, jailed indefinitely, and met with every kind of segregation/persecution you could imagine. 

My mother is a human rights lawyer and was fighting to end apartheid and influence European governments to divest from South Africa. Had her visa been up and forced to return, she knows she would "mysteriously" be found dead in a ditch with a gunshot to the back of her head with bullets only used by the government. After she married my dad and had my older brother and sister, had she been forced to return to South Africa for some visa reason, she 100% would have absconded with them and gone into hiding, hopefully to claim asylum somewhere. 

Immigration and visas are really touchy and personal subjects. You never know what people are fleeing. Especially non-economic migrants like her- maybe she is fleeing the gang violence, or other horrific accounts. 

I think you need to apologise and know that this is an absolutely no-go subject with them. 

msuprincess04

It wasn't meant to be condesending and I didn't share the story with her (she wasn't there), I can see how that would have be rude. I hadn't heard of the situation before and assumed he hadn't heard of it either. I guess that was presumptuous. I have no idea what their disucssions have been about her status, or if they even discuss it, and I don't need to since it's none of my business.

[Deleted User]

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