Private dinner before reception

JCbride2015

Knottie14450423 said:

JCbride2015 said:

When this tiered wedding reception concept gets brought up I always ask these questions and no one will seem to answer them. OP please tell us how you plan to handle these logistical and etiquette issues:

How will you tell the lucky ones you plan on feeding that they will in fact be fed? Please tell me you are not printing separate invitations.

Opposite of that how do you plan on telling the unlucky ones they wont be fed? Additionally where are they supposed to go during this time? What if they come back early and see other people eating dinner?

How is your venue supposed to keep track of who gets food and who doesn't? Wristbands? (Just kidding)

If someone you didnt plan on feeding slips in the dining room how do you plan on telling them the food isnt for them? Seriously that would be more humiliating than not inviting someone's SO and that is saying a LOT.

See where I am going with this? This is an absolute train wreck.

Who gives a shit what the venue can hold. Run your numbers again and figure out how many people you can host EQUALLY. If its just ten people so be it and invite accordingly.

Right.... so are people supposed to come to the ceremony, be told to LEAVE, and then come back later?  Huh?

OP, kudos so far for coming back to answer questions and not freaking out.  Please take PPs advice and seriously rethink your plans.  If you are unwilling to move the date, time, or location of your wedding, the only thing left to budge* is the guest list.  Invite the number of people you can afford to feed.  I bet that's 120 or less, which solves your separate rooms problem, too.  Boom, fixed!

*ETF typo

Oh believe me I tried, but the comments got WAY TOO rude and out of control

What the fuck?  Nobody was rude to you.  Still now, nobody's being rude to you.  

How about addressing my actual suggestions?  No?  Okay then.

huskypuppy14

Guess what OP, the reception is a thank you to your guests for attending your ceremony. If you don't want to thank them appropriately, then don't invite them. 

You should just have a wedding with your WP and immediate family, since those are the people you care to host properly. Oh and by the way, you need to invite everyone's significant others. 

No one gives a shit about a photo booth.

BrinkyDink16

To OP.  I personally have never heard of this concept and naturally, judging from the comments, it's not in keeping with traditional etiquette or expectations of a wedding.  Being a fairly nontraditional person I can see where you're coming from and why this concept appeals to you.  Here's a random spattering of thoughts I had about this potential plan.
If you do a private dinner in between the ceremony and the reception where will the rest of the guests go / what will they be doing while you're at this dinner?
If you're just providing appetizers for your guests my suggestion would be to have two rounds of them.  One right as the guests arrive at the reception venue, and one later on in the night.  You do want people to be properly fed if they're going to drink or some unwanted shenanigans may ensue!
I get what you mean about the two room venue.  We looked at a couple like that and while we didn't end up going with them I personally liked the separation.  I hate dancing so if I could get away into a somewhat separate room that was quieter to sit and talk I'd be a happy camper.
Also, don't give up your photo booth if you really want it!
All in all I'd say do some number crunching with all different situations.  How much will the private dinner and appetizer reception cost versus a dinner for all versus an appetizer reception alone, etc.

psychbabe314

I agree with PP's, maybe rearranging the day may be a bit better. Last Fall, I had to deal with a similar situation, where I found out the the bride and groom were going to take the wedding party, family, a few select other people, out to dinner. I have to say that my friends and I were a bit hurt, and it is something that stayed with us.

The wedding was beautiful, but long (full service) and afterwards we only got snacks and everyone was allowed a single teeny cupcake (those ultra mini ones you see at the grocery store sometimes). We also had to drive almost three hours to the wedding, then three hours back.

Verbally, everyone was invited to meet up with the bridge and groom after the dinner to continue to party at the bride's parents backyard, but my friends and I, and plenty of other guests, from what I understood, left very quickly. I know that my friends and I ended up leaving about twenty minutes into the reception because we were starving, there were not enough chairs for everyone to sit down at, and several other factors. We did not attend the after party.

Sorry this is a bit long, and I know that you and your FI will choose to do whatever you think will best suit you, but please take stories like this to heart and try to find a way to make dinner work or not to have a separate dinner with a party afterwards. You may end up being happier that way because everyone you wanted to celebrate with will stick around that day to celebrate with you for a much longer time.

Good luck with your planning!

themosthappy91

psychbabe314 said:

I agree with PP's, maybe rearranging the day may be a bit better. Last Fall, I had to deal with a similar situation, where I found out the the bride and groom were going to take the wedding party, family, a few select other people, out to dinner. I have to say that my friends and I were a bit hurt, and it is something that stayed with us.

The wedding was beautiful, but long (full service) and afterwards we only got snacks and everyone was allowed a single teeny cupcake (those ultra mini ones you see at the grocery store sometimes). We also had to drive almost three hours to the wedding, then three hours back.

Verbally, everyone was invited to meet up with the bridge and groom after the dinner to continue to party at the bride's parents backyard, but my friends and I, and plenty of other guests, from what I understood, left very quickly. I know that my friends and I ended up leaving about twenty minutes into the reception because we were starving, there were not enough chairs for everyone to sit down at, and several other factors. We did not attend the after party.

Sorry this is a bit long, and I know that you and your FI will choose to do whatever you think will best suit you, but please take stories like this to heart and try to find a way to make dinner work or not to have a separate dinner with a party afterwards. You may end up being happier that way because everyone you wanted to celebrate with will stick around that day to celebrate with you for a much longer time.

Good luck with your planning!

I really like this response because I think it truly captures the reality of what happens when guests aren't properly hosted.  I think sometimes brides who come on here with ideas that go against etiquette find the responses from regular posters hard to take seriously because they are very, very vehemently offended and they tend to present the worst-case-scenario (you'll lose friendships, everyone will be talking about you behind your back etc. - all scenarios that can and have happened in reality, but tend to be the most extreme cases).  The reality is, your guests probably just won't have a great time, will leave early, and will look back on your wedding as a less than fun experience for the rest of their lives.  Those are the stakes- I know I wouldn't want to risk it all for the name of my "vision". 

PrettyGirlLost

To the OP if she's still here and anyone lurking, your reception should be 50%-60% of your total budget. . .the bulk of your budget is allocated to feeding and providing beverages for your guests.

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie14450423 said:

lyndausvi said:

Ugh.   My DH is in a wedding.  The groom was telling a story  how only the WP will be getting a particular food item(s) and not the rest of the guests.  I'm not in the WP.     That made be think "WTF".  So DH gets whatever and I don't.  It was just odd that he even brought it up.   Made me feel pretty shitting and unwelcome.   

I can't even imagine how I would feel if I heard there was a full blown meal for some and not others.

Change your venue, cut your list.  For the love of god get rid of the Photo Booth.  But do not have a private dinner for some of the guests and not others.  No.

Not your wedding. Don't be bitter. The photo booth describes me, so it's staying.

No honey, "My vision of my Most Beautiful, Perfect, Special Day means more to me than properly hosting my family and friends" describes you.

If I was a guest at your wedding and had to take a half day off work to attend if I were in town, or an entire day off work or more if I were OOT, and you choose a cheap champagne toast and a photo booth over feeding me dinner, I'd grab my gift and take a picture with it in the photo booth while flipping you off, then I'd leave to go have dinner at an actual restaurant, taking as many hungry guests with me as I could.

And then the friendship would be over.

MobKaz

themosthappy91 said:

psychbabe314 said:

I agree with PP's, maybe rearranging the day may be a bit better. Last Fall, I had to deal with a similar situation, where I found out the the bride and groom were going to take the wedding party, family, a few select other people, out to dinner. I have to say that my friends and I were a bit hurt, and it is something that stayed with us.

The wedding was beautiful, but long (full service) and afterwards we only got snacks and everyone was allowed a single teeny cupcake (those ultra mini ones you see at the grocery store sometimes). We also had to drive almost three hours to the wedding, then three hours back.

Verbally, everyone was invited to meet up with the bridge and groom after the dinner to continue to party at the bride's parents backyard, but my friends and I, and plenty of other guests, from what I understood, left very quickly. I know that my friends and I ended up leaving about twenty minutes into the reception because we were starving, there were not enough chairs for everyone to sit down at, and several other factors. We did not attend the after party.

Sorry this is a bit long, and I know that you and your FI will choose to do whatever you think will best suit you, but please take stories like this to heart and try to find a way to make dinner work or not to have a separate dinner with a party afterwards. You may end up being happier that way because everyone you wanted to celebrate with will stick around that day to celebrate with you for a much longer time.

Good luck with your planning!

I really like this response because I think it truly captures the reality of what happens when guests aren't properly hosted.  I think sometimes brides who come on here with ideas that go against etiquette find the responses from regular posters hard to take seriously because they are very, very vehemently offended and they tend to present the worst-case-scenario (you'll lose friendships, everyone will be talking about you behind your back etc. - all scenarios that can and have happened in reality, but tend to be the most extreme cases).  The reality is, your guests probably just won't have a great time, will leave early, and will look back on your wedding as a less than fun experience for the rest of their lives.  Those are the stakes- I know I wouldn't want to risk it all for the name of my "vision". 

There is one statement made that reveals the crux of the problem. When a bride and groom CHOOSE to "do whatever they think will best suit them", etiquette gets thrown out the window and guests are treated poorly. The reception is NOT the time for a bride and groom to do what they think will best suit them. The reception is when the hospitality of the guests should be the primary concern.

JBee85

Saw this posted on Reddit's wedding planning board with the same question. I was honestly surprised how everyone told the bride it was a bad idea (the majority of their attitude is "it's your wedding do whatever"). The thread was posted less than 12 hours ago. Coincidence?

[edit] sorry wrong thread. It was posted yesterday. Not sure if the topic got deleted.

Maggie0829

Just because you view yourself as non-traditional doesn't mean that you can throw etiquette (meaning making sure that your guests are taken care/hosted fully and well) out the window.

Sioux1986

Maggie0829 said:

Just because you view yourself as non-traditional doesn't mean that you can throw etiquette (meaning making sure that your guests are taken care/hosted fully and well) out the window.

Seems to me that sites like "OffBeat Bride" really have pushed this attitude. 

If you are quirky and eccentric, that;s a free pass to be assholes to your guests. 

PrettyGirlLost

JBee85 said:

Saw this posted on Reddit's wedding planning board with the same question. I was honestly surprised how everyone told the bride it was a bad idea (the majority of their attitude is "it's your wedding do whatever"). The thread was posted less than 12 hours ago. Coincidence?

[edit] sorry wrong thread. It was posted yesterday. Not sure if the topic got deleted.

Be careful mentioning Reddit!

aurianna

I went to a wedding two years ago that had a photo booth!
...And I remember that because it was a cash bar. The hosts decided to spend a grand on some gimmicky thing and have their guests foot the bill for the reception's alcohol. Klassy.


An alternative:
See if you can find a good corner of the reception to do this. Instead of a $1000 photobooth, if you already have a digital camera, see if you can find someone that will shoot goofy group shots in the corner with your camera for a couple of hours for 50 bucks (no one is expecting professional quality). I went to a wedding that did something more like this. They still had the table of goofy dollar store props. Pretty much the same deal, but instead of a strip of four pictures that get thrown away the next day anyway, these got posted on an album on facebook so everyone could see everyone's.



Large gaps at weddings in general are rude. They are extra super rude when the gap exists because you're choosing to make the other also-ran guests sit around while you only host the "real" guests. Take PPs advice.

flantastic

PrettyGirlLost said:

JBee85 said:

Saw this posted on Reddit's wedding planning board with the same question. I was honestly surprised how everyone told the bride it was a bad idea (the majority of their attitude is "it's your wedding do whatever"). The thread was posted less than 12 hours ago. Coincidence?

[edit] sorry wrong thread. It was posted yesterday. Not sure if the topic got deleted.

Be careful mentioning Reddit!

buttercup1958

flantastic said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

JBee85 said:

Saw this posted on Reddit's wedding planning board with the same question. I was honestly surprised how everyone told the bride it was a bad idea (the majority of their attitude is "it's your wedding do whatever"). The thread was posted less than 12 hours ago. Coincidence?

[edit] sorry wrong thread. It was posted yesterday. Not sure if the topic got deleted.

Be careful mentioning Reddit!

Dead

mollybarker11

psychbabe314 said:

[...] I know that you and your FI will choose to do whatever you think will best suit you, but please take stories like this to heart and try to find a way to make dinner work or not to have a separate dinner with a party afterwards. You may end up being happier that way because everyone you wanted to celebrate with will stick around that day to celebrate with you for a much longer time.

Yes, I think this is the tactic that needs to be used to convince some people.

OP, think of how it would make YOU feel to go through all these months of planning and looking forward to celebrating this happy event with all your friends & family, only to have a ton of them decline to attend or leave right after the ceremony because they'd rather get something to eat than party with you? That would suck for YOU and make YOU feel like crap!

PrettyGirlLost

flantastic said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

JBee85 said:

Saw this posted on Reddit's wedding planning board with the same question. I was honestly surprised how everyone told the bride it was a bad idea (the majority of their attitude is "it's your wedding do whatever"). The thread was posted less than 12 hours ago. Coincidence?

[edit] sorry wrong thread. It was posted yesterday. Not sure if the topic got deleted.

Be careful mentioning Reddit!

Gahahahaha!!!