My MOH won't talk to the other bridesmaids...

primafaba15

I found out this weekend that my MOH is causing some major frustration for my other bridesmaids, i.e., she is basically not communicating with them at all. She does not respond via text or e-mail for up to a month at a time. When she finally does, it is one-line answers and not helpful. 

I found this out because FSIL (one of my other maids) has apparently been trying to plan a surprise shower for months. She gave up on the surprise aspect because she could not get my MOH to respond, and she didn't want to move forward without MOH because my mother has informed me that under no circumstances is any BM allowed to do anything that traditionally belongs to MOH and thus undermine her...specialness, I guess (see backstory below). MOH is, however, in another state, so the other 2 BMs are the only ones who CAN plan these things. 

I don't 'expect' a shower or a bachelorette or anything like that, or care except for the generally lousiness of the situation (again, below). But I'm really touched that FSIL is doing this and I feel awful that my MOH/sister is causing so much difficulty for her and the other bridesmaid. Between the wedding and work and a string of medical issues, my nerves are fried, and I can't stand the thought of starting more family drama, but I don't know if there's something I can or should do as the bride, or if it's up to the BMs to duke it out, or if I need to tell FSIL to call it off no matter how touched I am or how much I want this.....

Backstory: 

 MOH is my younger sister. Seemed a logical choice at the time but this was also de facto expectation since we were kids. She lives in VA, and myself and my 2 other BMs (friend and FSIL) live in MA, where I will be married. This did not seem an issue at the time since I'm not really asking my maids to do things.

Evidently my mother has some serious baggage from her own experience as MOH for her sister, because in response to that she has decided that only my MOH gets to come dress shopping or have an opinion (I overruled her, but that was an emotional-wreck-mess), and only my MOH gets to do traditional MOH duties like planning a shower or bachelorette (or, apparently, even coming to venue tastings). This is to ensure that my MOH receives proper deference. Obviously, as MOH lives in VA, by my mother's rules I can't have BMs involved in much of anything (I literally got yelled at for bringing my BM to a venue tasting), so I can't have any of the pre-wedding parties. This is something I'd normally be OK with, except that my mother's "this is what happens when you move far away" reeks of her trying to punish me for living where I want to live. Which sucks. 

Practically, mother has limited control -- she is paying for 1/3 of the wedding, but I don't believe that would usually entitle her to deciding BM duties(?), and she doesn't live here. However, it's difficult because my mother's protection of MOH is the continuation of years of being told that I am a big sister who constantly ruins MOH's life, which makes it harder to ignore what she's saying. She's made this about something I've been 'trained' to feel guilty about for a long time. 

flantastic

primafaba15 said:

I found out this weekend that my MOH is causing some major frustration for my other bridesmaids, i.e., she is basically not communicating with them at all. She does not respond via text or e-mail for up to a month at a time. When she finally does, it is one-line answers and not helpful. 

I found this out because FSIL (one of my other maids) has apparently been trying to plan a surprise shower for months. She gave up on the surprise aspect because she could not get my MOH to respond, and she didn't want to move forward without MOH because my mother has informed me that under no circumstances is any BM allowed to do anything that traditionally belongs to MOH and thus undermine her...specialness, I guess (see backstory below). MOH is, however, in another state, so the other 2 BMs are the only ones who CAN plan these things. 

I don't 'expect' a shower or a bachelorette or anything like that, or care except for the generally lousiness of the situation (again, below). But I'm really touched that FSIL is doing this and I feel awful that my MOH/sister is causing so much difficulty for her and the other bridesmaid. Between the wedding and work and a string of medical issues, my nerves are fried, and I can't stand the thought of starting more family drama, but I don't know if there's something I can or should do as the bride, or if it's up to the BMs to duke it out, or if I need to tell FSIL to call it off no matter how touched I am or how much I want this.....

Backstory: 

 MOH is my younger sister. Seemed a logical choice at the time but this was also de facto expectation since we were kids. She lives in VA, and myself and my 2 other BMs (friend and FSIL) live in MA, where I will be married. This did not seem an issue at the time since I'm not really asking my maids to do things.

Evidently my mother has some serious baggage from her own experience as MOH for her sister, because in response to that she has decided that only my MOH gets to come dress shopping or have an opinion (I overruled her, but that was an emotional-wreck-mess), and only my MOH gets to do traditional MOH duties like planning a shower or bachelorette (or, apparently, even coming to venue tastings). This is to ensure that my MOH receives proper deference. Obviously, as MOH lives in VA, by my mother's rules I can't have BMs involved in much of anything (I literally got yelled at for bringing my BM to a venue tasting), so I can't have any of the pre-wedding parties. This is something I'd normally be OK with, except that my mother's "this is what happens when you move far away" reeks of her trying to punish me for living where I want to live. Which sucks. 

Practically, mother has limited control -- she is paying for 1/3 of the wedding, but I don't believe that would usually entitle her to deciding BM duties(?), and she doesn't live here. However, it's difficult because my mother's protection of MOH is the continuation of years of being told that I am a big sister who constantly ruins MOH's life, which makes it harder to ignore what she's saying. She's made this about something I've been 'trained' to feel guilty about for a long time. 

Tell your mother to shut up. Should have happened a long time ago.

If FSIL wants to plan something, and you want the something to happen, she can plan it and your mother and sister can accept or decline an invitation to it.

Heffalump

If your mother is still this traumatized about her own MOH experience, counseling is probably in order. If one of your BMs wants to host the shower, then she can. Easy-peasy.  It's not like your mother can ground you to keep you from attending.

primafaba15

My mother is undoubtedly being unreasonable. I don't have much sympathy for her 'trauma.' The past year of my engagement has taught me that my relationship with my mother is really unhealthy, so I do recognize that I need to approach that differently, of course, and learn how to tell her to shut up instead of crumpling/internalizing the things that she says. 

I guess practically speaking I'm just wondering -- as MOH she is supposed to have SOME special honor here (not as much as my mother apparently thinks, but some). In a vacuum where my mother isn't being unreasonable, is it acceptable to move ahead with plans without the MOH? Is it selfish for me to tell FSIL to go ahead and basically not involve my MOH in planning, just so I can have a shower? FSIL is concerned at this point that if she waits to hear back from MOH, there won't be time to have a shower. The wedding is less than 3 months away at this point, and there are a limited number of weekends when FSIL and/or other BM aren't working. 

flantastic

primafaba15 said:

My mother is undoubtedly being unreasonable. I don't have much sympathy for her 'trauma.' The past year of my engagement has taught me that my relationship with my mother is really unhealthy, so I do recognize that I need to approach that differently, of course, and learn how to tell her to shut up instead of crumpling/internalizing the things that she says. 

I guess practically speaking I'm just wondering -- as MOH she is supposed to have SOME special honor here (not as much as my mother apparently thinks, but some). In a vacuum where my mother isn't being unreasonable, is it acceptable to move ahead with plans without the MOH? Is it selfish for me to tell FSIL to go ahead and basically not involve my MOH in planning, just so I can have a shower? FSIL is concerned at this point that if she waits to hear back from MOH, there won't be time to have a shower. The wedding is less than 3 months away at this point, and there are a limited number of weekends when FSIL and/or other BM aren't working. 

All BM/MOH "duties" are optional. Your sister clearly isn't interested or able to be involved in planning this shower, which has nothing to do with her honor title. That's all it is - the honor of standing next to you as you get married. The only times shower/bach planning comes into it is when the honoree wants to be involved. She doesn't, or can't, and doesn't need to be. Everyone can move on.

primafaba15

Thanks -- I realize this is silly, and appreciate your being straightforward with me. I recognize that all 'duties' are optional, and as I said I'm not asking my maids to do anything (I would NEVER have asked for/expected a shower or bach until it was offered) but my sense of whether it's offensive to leave the MOH out was skewed since my mother is acting like it is. I'll either let the FSIL know she doesn't need to wait for MOH, or I'll let the shower idea die (which might just be easier all around anyway), but I'll let go of the MOH obsession. 

LD1970

Do yourself a favor while you're at it... plan your wedding under the assumption that you're not getting any $$ from your mother unless you already have it in hand, in cash.

My mother was an ass, and we had to take our wedding back and pay for it ourselves.  That in itself was a war, but it was SO worth it in the end.

*Barbie*

OK, i couldn't get through that. Thank your FSIL and tell her that you'd love a shower and it's super sweet of her to offer. if she wants to host something and MOH won't respond, just plan whatever she wants. 

MesmrEwe

You can always have two or three MOH's if it'll get the conflict shut down...  No, I don't recommend this - but it is something to think about if she's causing that much disruption over who attends a tasting/etc. with you!  Also, you could tell FSIL "Here's the info you need, I know nothing, nor do I expect anything if a surprise party is truly what you want to do, this is the way Sis & Mom are, don't get too worked up if they don't show/help.."

Heffalump

primafaba15 said:

Thanks -- I realize this is silly, and appreciate your being straightforward with me. I recognize that all 'duties' are optional, and as I said I'm not asking my maids to do anything (I would NEVER have asked for/expected a shower or bach until it was offered) but my sense of whether it's offensive to leave the MOH out was skewed since my mother is acting like it is. I'll either let the FSIL know she doesn't need to wait for MOH, or I'll let the shower idea die (which might just be easier all around anyway), but I'll let go of the MOH obsession. 

If ever there was a situation for bean dipping, it's this.  You and your mother don't have a healthy relationship, she's being totally unreasonable about the MOH role--as far as I can tell, any further discussion is just going to be beating your head against the wall.  For your own sanity, I'd stick to talking about the weather for the next however-many months.  Disengage as needed.

pegasuskat

Do not cancel the plans from FSIL, let her plan a shower for you.  She has offered and you seem to want one - and the idea that only the MOH can plan one is crazy!!  A lot of brides have more than one shower and even then the MOH doesn't "have" to even be involved.  If your sis does plan one, then great but if not you shouldn't have to give up something that has been graciously offered to you.

I agree that your mom seems to need therapy, her MOH ideas sound truly crazy.  And her treatment of you seems just about as bad, I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

flantastic

If, somehow, your sister gets offended at not being included, FSIL (not you) can say "We tried to include you but you were unresponsive, so we moved on." Bean dip the hell out of the rest,

TNDancer

I am the MOH for my sisters upcoming wedding. She has had 3 showers with different groups and I did not coordinate any of them! Showers can be thrown my anyone who cares for the couple and is willing to put forth the effort.

*Barbie*

TNDancer said:

I am the MOH for my sisters upcoming wedding. She has had 3 showers with different groups and I did not coordinate any of them! Showers can be thrown my anyone who cares for the couple and is willing to put forth the effort.

@TNDancer - Slacker! :-)

hmonkey

that's really not how the word "trauma" is used.

primafaba15

@hmonkey No, I know it's really not, and I know my grammar probably wasn't correct there either.  I was just meaning to reference the previous comment that my mother was "traumatized by her experience." Didn't mean to offend or overstate the situation, if that's what you were getting at! 

I appreciate everyone's suggestions/support, and patience for my really long post. The situation is ridiculous anyway, but seemed to make even less sense if I left out the background. 

FSIL still hasn't heard from MOH (although I *have* heard from MOH about how the time/location of rehearsal dinner is causing undue hardship for her SO), so I guess we will see what happens. 

RussianCinderella

Seems like you got the handle on this situation, just wanted to say good luck and stay strong!