Wedding Party Etiquette?

charlotte989875

So long time lurker here, and have been saved from some big etiquette problems from these boards. I could really use some advice here.

My wedding is about 6 weeks away, my sister got engaged this winter and is planning a wedding for December. We also have two close cousins (they're sisters) getting married this summer. My best friend (MOH)  also got engaged late this winter (right around the time of my sister). Sister's FI is in a wedding along with MOH's FI this fall. We have a lot of weddings going on this year, and everyone is in everyone else's wedding. MOH just announced she is now trying to plan a wedding for late August, and has been asking if I'll be around for her shower, bachelorette party, bridesmaids dress shopping, etc (I live about 900 miles away from everyone else). The weekend she chose for the wedding is the same as a big work conference for me (which I'll have to skip for the wedding, and which she asked about and I told her about before she picked a date).

I know I get one day (as does my sister), and so does my MOH, but my question is, how do I handle/tell her that I can't be around for everything that she wants me to be at. And that I unfortunately can't plan everything in the same way she did? She planned an amazing shower for me, and I'd love to do the same, but with all the other weddings already scheduled for this summer I just can't afford to travel/take time off work/ spend all the money on all these things?

Thanks!

ETA: fixed words.

[Deleted User]

charlotte989875 said:

So long time lurker here, and have been saved from some big etiquette problems from these boards. I could really use some advice here.

My wedding is about 6 weeks away, my sister got engaged this winter and is planning a wedding for December. We also have two close cousins (they're sisters) getting married this summer. My best friend (MOH)  also got engaged late this winter (right around the time of my sister). Sister's FI is in a wedding along with MOH's FI this fall. We have a lot of weddings going on this year, and everyone is in everyone else's wedding. MOH just announced she is now trying to plan a wedding for late August, and has been asking if I'll be around for her shower, bachelorette party, bridesmaids dress shopping, etc (I live about 900 miles away from everyone else). The weekend she chose for the wedding is the same as a big work conference for me (which I'll have to skip for the wedding, and which she asked about and I told her about before she picked a date).

I know I get one day (as does my sister), and so does my MOH, but my question is, how do I handle/tell her that I can't be around for everything that she wants me to be at. And that I unfortunately can't plan everything in the same way she did? She planned an amazing shower for me, and I'd love to do the same, but with all the other weddings already scheduled for this summer I just can't afford to travel/take time off work/ spend all the money on all these things?

Thanks!

ETA: fixed words.

You know invitations are not tit-for-tat.  Well, bridal party participation is also not tit-for-tat.  "Friend, I love you and will try to attend everything I possibly can, but I have lots of stuff going on this year and while I can't wait to stand next to you on your wedding day, I just can't promise right now to be able to attend any of the other pre-wedding parties."  Hopefully this will also give her a clue that you won't be able to PLAN these parties either.  But feel free to do grand gestures from afar.  Send a bouquet of flowers to arrive the morning of her shower.  Send a bucket-o-panties to her for her bachelorette party (if she's that kind of girl) and mail a $50 to her bachelorette party hostess to pay for drinks and the bride's food.  Help her with ideas if she wants them, give her clues you picked up when planning your own wedding.  Be a friend.

levioosa

charlotte989875 said:

So long time lurker here, and have been saved from some big etiquette problems from these boards. I could really use some advice here.

My wedding is about 6 weeks away, my sister got engaged this winter and is planning a wedding for December. We also have two close cousins (they're sisters) getting married this summer. My best friend (MOH)  also got engaged late this winter (right around the time of my sister). Sister's FI is in a wedding along with MOH's FI this fall. We have a lot of weddings going on this year, and everyone is in everyone else's wedding. MOH just announced she is now trying to plan a wedding for late August, and has been asking if I'll be around for her shower, bachelorette party, bridesmaids dress shopping, etc (I live about 900 miles away from everyone else). The weekend she chose for the wedding is the same as a big work conference for me (which I'll have to skip for the wedding, and which she asked about and I told her about before she picked a date).

I know I get one day (as does my sister), and so does my MOH, but my question is, how do I handle/tell her that I can't be around for everything that she wants me to be at. And that I unfortunately can't plan everything in the same way she did? She planned an amazing shower for me, and I'd love to do the same, but with all the other weddings already scheduled for this summer I just can't afford to travel/take time off work/ spend all the money on all these things?

Thanks!

ETA: fixed words.

Weddings are not tit for tat.  Life happens. 

I'm going through a similar situation with my BFF.  I got into an intensive program and won't be able to take time off for her parties, and I possibly won't make it to her wedding, depending on whether or not I have a mandatory clinical that day.  I knew I had to tell her, but it was tearing me up inside.  Finally I told her that I loved her, but that I might not be able to participate much depending on school.  She was so excited for me to get into school and although she was a little hurt I might not be able to make it to the wedding, she moved beyond it quickly.  Because a wedding is one day and our friendship is so much deeper than that. 

Although I can't participate much, I've been giving her feedback on jewelry/centerpieces, and family drama surrounding her wedding.  Basically, I've just been there for her as a friend. I would be upfront and tell her sooner rather than later though. 

Jen4948

I'd tell your friend, "Friend, I'm really happy for you, and I'm grateful that you asked me to be in your wedding party.  I look forward to standing beside you on your wedding day, but sadly, I can only directly participate in A, B, and C and financially contribute to X, Y, and Z due to (reason).  I can't commit to any participation beyond that.  That said, I really do wish I could be there throughout for you and will be thinking of you at those times when I can't participate." 

novella1186

It's not really fair for her to expect you to be around for EVERY. SINGLE. THING. Especially given the distance, and life. 

One of my BMs is an hour away (and she actually lives closer to me than any of the other BMs) but couldn't make it to my shower because she was busy. We didn't do a big group dress shopping trip since everyone lives so far away and has their own stuff going on. I mean it sucks when you can't see your friends as much as you'd like to, but that's life. 

adk19 gave you good wording, and some great suggestions too. You can still be a part of things, even from a distance. And you can still be there for her without physically BEING there, ya know? 

Just be honest with her and show her as much support as you can. Adults-- and real friends-- need to have realistic expecations and some understanding. 

mrscomposer

My sister got engaged in February last year and married in August.  I got engaged in May and married in October.  We were each other's MOHs.  Our cousin also got married in June, although there was no BP crossover with her (one of her BMs was also my sister's BM, but that doesn't really matter for the purposes of this story).  I live a 10 hour drive away from my family.

The way my schedule worked leading up to C's wedding, I knew I had a four day weekend, every third weekend.  So, from February to August, I made the trip every three weekends to go dress shopping, help with DIY, throw a shower, throw a bachelorette, etc.  Cousin's shower/bachelorette and wedding also miraculously fell into my three week rotation, which was a fluke.

It sucked.  I mean, I (obviously) adore my sister and (obviously) would do anything for her, but a 20 hour round trip every three weeks took a lot out of me (and, for any Canadians reading this - I was going from Manitoba to Alberta, across flatland Saskatchewan hell).

When C's wedding was over and it was time to work on mine, I REJOICED that her schedule wasn't like mine and she wouldn't be able to put any expectations on herself to do the same thing I did.  My mom, grandma, and C's MIL came out one weekend for the shower that some friends threw for me, but I didn't see C until it was time for our wedding.  She was disappointed that she couldn't do for me what I did for her, and put some guilt on herself for not doing what she thought she was supposed to. 

She decided to organize a mini-bachelorette for me, and got my other girls on board.  After our rehearsal dinner, we piled into a holiday trailer and played a few games (which she had planned), and did a little drinking.  It was lovely, and exactly my speed for a bachelorette.

Life happens.  Schedules are different, priorities are different, plans of attack for weddings are different.  Even if my BP was living close by, I likely would have done everything myself anyway, just because that's the way I am.  And besides - it's not ON YOU to plan her shower.  Mine was given to me by the girls in my church.  No WP involvement whatsoever.

All that to say - don't put guilt on yourself for not doing what she did for you.  And if she puts any guilt on you, that's rude and unnecessary on her part.  Just do what you can, when you can.  All of PP's suggestions for sending flowers, notes, etc, are awesome.

charlotte989875

Thanks everyone, this is all fantastic advice, and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has gone through this. I will definitely continue to help plan things from afar, and send fun things for when I can't be there.

One of the hard things has been that we haven't seen each other in person for a while and I told her when she was looking at venues the time was super terrible and I would do what I could, and since she confirmed she's asked what I could be at, and I've said I won't be able to travel home again expect for the other weddings we already have scheduled. She's upset, as I'm sure I would be, and has sent texts like, "So no bachelorette with you then?" I feel like this is something we would talk about in person, so much gets lost over phone conversations.

Thanks again for all the advice. I'll be home in a month or so for the wedding and we'll have some time to hang out then and hopefully that will help. And I'm definitely using these suggestions!

[Deleted User]

Jen4948 said:

I'd tell your friend, "Friend, I'm really happy for you, and I'm grateful that you asked me to be in your wedding party.  I look forward to standing beside you on your wedding day, but sadly, I can only directly participate in A, B, and C and financially contribute to X, Y, and Z due to (reason).  I can't commit to any participation beyond that.  That said, I really do wish I could be there throughout for you and will be thinking of you at those times when I can't participate." 

This is perfect I think. You're being honest with her about the situation. If you feel guility, you can go, if you would rather have someone else stand up in this position that is able to do all those things, I would understand. But if you are really that good of friends, she'll probably so no & understand and hopefully other BM, family and/or friends will step up for the events that you aren't able to plan for her.

charlotte989875

So I have an update; some really great (We're finally married!), some really terrible.

I went back about a week and a half before my wedding, and during that time Friend asked if we could shop for BMs dresses for her wedding. We scheduled an apt. with the other bridesmaids before I went back, but when we got there only me and my sister could make it (her sister and other friends had things come up). We also planned on dinner after, just her and I, so I figured that would be a good time to talk. Well, dress shopping went bad. She asked our opinion on fit, color, style, etc. but didn't tell us she had a very particular dress/color in mind. Also, she had said the dress would be around $175, but when we got there, they were all around $225+ (She never asked us for budgets, but asked if $175 was OK and we agreed, or at least my sis and I did). My sis and I, awkwardly, said that was a bit too much and maybe we should look elsewhere.

Well, we went to dinner after, and she was upset, told me she felt so disappointed and upset we didn't like what she liked and that we didn't like the color that she wanted (even though she asked for our opinions). I apologized and said that of course I would wear whatever she wanted as long as we kept the price to what we had originally agreed on. I suggested maybe she just choose the dress and color that she wanted and just tell us what to wear, or choose a color and designer and let us pick our own dresses. She said she'd think about it, but really wanted the whole "choosing bridesmaids dresses together" experience.

Well, then I told her, nicely that I was so happy for her and her FI, that I really wanted to be at everything and I was really excited to be there for them, but I was really sorry but I won't be able to come home again, besides one weekend (about 3 weeks before her wedding). I offered to throw her a shower that weekend. She declined and said it was too close to her wedding so she didn't want to do it then and could I come back another time. I tried to explain all of the things I already had planned this summer (a much needed vacation, 2 family weddings, a work trip, working full time) and that I'd be happy to help plan, I'd contribute, but financially we just couldn't make another trip. She was pretty upset, and maybe it was bad timing for me to tell her that, but with all the last minute appointments I had scheduled for my wedding and her working full time, I didn't think we'd get to hang out much one on one.

Well she asked me to go dress shopping again the next day. I went, we found something we both liked (after a LONG time) and I thought things were good. Turns out, not so much. She went shopping again later in the week with her other bridesmaids found a different dress, decided on that one. Great. Well, no. We talked later that evening and she went off on me about how I was crushing her dreams for her wedding, and how I was tearing down all of her dress ideas, and how I was a bad MOD and a bad friend because I wouldn't make arrangements to come to her shower, whenever that was. And that she did all sorts of planning and amazing things for my shower, bachelorette party, wedding, etc. and that I wasn't interested in doing the same for her. She said some other really hurtful things. We had a big fight which ended with me being upset, and her being angry, and me being angry that it was just a few days before my wedding and I was spending a ton of time fighting with her about her wedding. We cooled off before my wedding, but really I don't know if things will ever be the same.

tl;dr Things went bad. Any advice on where to go from here?

Jen4948

Just stop all the wedding talk for now since it's driving you both crazy and you clearly have different tastes. If she brings it up again, just tell her that you're sorry for her disappointment, but you're no longer willing to discuss it with her.