Wedding Recap and Withdrawal
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Bridesmaid's Wrong Alteration ...(Vent-ish)

So, my girls got wrap dresses, because finding a dress to flatter everyone is just not possible.  They got full-freedom for how they were to style, shoes, hair, accessories & make-up with the exception of a few key items, which were always bolded & bulleted in emails, and a repeated phrase in BM meetings;

- hem to floor-length dress, with the exception of the maid & matron, who if they wanted to (but did not have to), could get high-lo cuts

- no black or hooker clear heels, but they must be heels, because most of the guys are tall.  you are welcome to change into flip flops right after the ceremony

- try your best to cover your boobs during the church ceremony, feel free to let them hang out at the reception (not really, but I did let them know that they could change their more conservative style to a more 'dramatic' style for the reception if they would like)

That being said, I am at a crossroads for my one bridesmaid who cut her dress at the knee.  

My mother is livid.  She gave my maid of honor an earful, which she asked to be relayed to BM.  My mother says that BM is no longer welcome at home, has ruined the photos (because for whatever reason, she always ends up right next to me or at the end, therefore unable to hide her shorter dress).  My matron of honor told me that when they picked up their dresses from the seamstress, she repeatedly asked and prodded that those were not the directions I gave, but BM kept on insisting it was alright.  All "etiquette" aside, would you have a heart to heart with said BM?  Have a girlfriend do it for you?

(How do I feel about it?  I was surprised and shocked on the morning of - that's when I saw it ... but I knew then & there that I couldn't do anything about it, and that she would have to own up to f-ing up the pictures if anyone asked, so I didn't pay it any mind ... it's just the more and more people ask, the more frustrated I get ... and I'm tired of cropping pictures from the knee up, just to give it some uniformity) (Mister is upset, thinks it sucks, but is not very confrontational, and doesn't want things to get awkward)  


TL;DR : Bridesmaid (pictured below) cut dress knee-length (against "rules" of floor-length) ... my mom is very annoyed/mad/furious and wants confrontation/apology ... She thinks pictures are "ruined" ... I don't really care anymore (was irked, but didn't have time to get upset on wedding day) as I don't see the point in bringing it up ... Thoughts / support / comments / suggestions (you can ignore poll)
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Re: Bridesmaid's Wrong Alteration ...(Vent-ish)

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_bridesmaids-wrong-alternation-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:7b94eebf-ea9a-4cb5-933e-94279506da86Post:2d8166e9-a8de-4163-864a-c941eeac6354">Bridesmaid's Wrong Alteration ... WWYD?</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, my girls got wrap dresses, because finding a dress to flatter everyone is just not possible.  They got full-freedom for how they were to style, shoes, hair, accessories & make-up with the exception of a few key items, which were always bolded & bulleted in emails, and a repeated phrase in BM meetings; - hem to floor-length dress, with the exception of the maid & matron, who if they wanted to (but did not have to), could get high-lo cuts - no black or hooker clear heels, but they must be heels, because most of the guys are tall.  you are welcome to change into flip flops right after the ceremony - try your best to cover your boobs during the church ceremony, feel free to let them hang out at the reception (not really, but I did let them know that they could change their more conservative style to a more 'dramatic' style for the reception if they would like) That being said, I am at a crossroads for my one bridesmaid who cut her dress at the knee.   My mother is livid.  She gave my maid of honor an earful, which she asked to be relayed to BM.  My mother says that BM is no longer welcome at home, <strong>has ruined the photos</strong> (because for whatever reason, she always ends up right next to me or at the end, therefore unable to hide her shorter dress).  My matron of honor told me that when they picked up their dresses from the seamstress, she repeatedly asked and prodded that those were not the directions I gave, but BM kept on insisting it was alright.   All "etiquette" aside, would you have a heart to heart with said BM? <strong> Have a girlfriend do it for you</strong>? (How do I feel about it?  I was surprised and shocked on the morning of - that's when I saw it ... but I knew then & there that I couldn't do anything about it, and that she would have to own up to f-ing up the pictures if anyone asked, so I didn't pay it any mind ... it's just the more and more people ask, the more frustrated I get ... and I'm tired of cropping pictures from the knee up, just to give it some uniformity) (Mister is upset, thinks it sucks, but is not very confrontational, and doesn't want things to get awkward)  
    Posted by awesomeryl[/QUOTE]

    The wedding already happened, I really don't see any good that can come out of bringing it up.   Your pictures are not "ruined", it's a dress length for god's sake. Tell your mom to chill a little and let it go. It sounds like you weren't upset the day of so don't let it bother you now.

    Also I have ZERO idea why you would have someone else have this discussion for you, should you decide to have a conversation.
    June 16, 2012
    image
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    Oh, and my matron & maid offered to drop a hint in passing ... just to give her a chance to apologize (not my idea, but they feel "bad")


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    Did you post awhile back about your sister picking up dresses and one BM had wanted hers to be super short?

    First off - your MOH has nothing to do with this and should not be put in the middle of anything.  Your mom needs to back off on that one.  I know a lot of antiquated books and Kristin789 think the MOH runs the BP, but it just isn't reality.

    FWIW, I don't think your pics are ruined by any stretch, but I also understand why you would be ticked.  I would be too.

    You have to decide what is to be gained from the discussion, and NO ONE but you should talk to this girl if anyone does.  You can let her know you are disappointed and that your mom and DH are upset by the pics, but where does the convo go after that?
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    brommelbrommel member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_bridesmaids-wrong-alternation-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:7b94eebf-ea9a-4cb5-933e-94279506da86Post:7ee4f64c-5a8d-4204-b300-777772d55677">Re: Bridesmaid's Wrong Alteration ... WWYD?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Did you post awhile back about your sister picking up dresses and one BM had wanted hers to be super short? First off - your MOH has nothing to do with this and should not be put in the middle of anything.  Your mom needs to back off on that one.  I know a lot of antiquated books and Kristin789 think the MOH runs the BP, but it just isn't reality. FWIW, I don't think your pics are ruined by any stretch, but I also understand why you would be ticked.  I would be too. You have to decide what is to be gained from the discussion, and NO ONE but you should talk to this girl if anyone does.  You can let her know you are disappointed and that your mom and DH are upset by the pics, but where does the convo go after that?
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    <div>Thanks.  </div><div>
    </div><div>I'm not a fan of putting either my maid or matron in the middle, and was only considering it because tbh, I'm not even sure what would come of it anyway ... and exactly your last sentence ... I'm not really sure what it would solve if I told her.</div><div>
    </div><div>And no, not me about the super short dresses, lol, but I have seen some BM's in mini's that made me wonder if that was the bride's choice or the BMs' decision.</div><div>
    </div><div>And thanks for understanding (it is worth something!).  I'm a fan of symmetry in pictures, but tbh, what on earth could I do now/then lol.  I guess this is more of a vent / rant / looking for support (lol) than an actual question.  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /></div>
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    At this point, I wouldn't bother mentioning it. What's done is done.

    Ask your mom to stop giving unrelated parties "earfuls." It's not fair to your MOH.

    The deal is that the pictures captured exactly who was there and who they were. It means that one of your girls prioritized her own fashion sensibility over what you wanted. 

    If you're mad about your BM's call, figure out if it's worth ending the friendship over. If so, do it, if not, make peace with it. Exactly no one can change the past.
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    I don't think your pictures are ruined at all! I don't understand why your bridesmaid would want to be the "one of these things is not like the other" person, but it's not the end of the world :).
    photo JamieMasonWedding-8992-S.jpg
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    The wedding is over, what does it matter? I also dont understand how your pictures are ruined...
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    The pictures are fine. . . it's a dress that probably nobody was even looking at because they were looking at you in your dress.  Not to mention, it's essentially the same effect as if your maid/matron of honor had chosen a high low dress, just on a different person.
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    Sorry to tell you this but I found it hard to be on your side once you said you had numerous BM meetings. That's where the problems started. You also required your BMs to wear heels which some may not be comfortable in. Your photos are not ruined. Let it go.
     
      Image and video hosting by TinyPic Lilypie First Birthday tickers
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_bridesmaids-wrong-alternation-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:7b94eebf-ea9a-4cb5-933e-94279506da86Post:cf230f32-491e-4f05-979b-9ea1ac495242">Re: Bridesmaid's Wrong Alteration ... WWYD?</a>:
    [QUOTE]The wedding is over, what does it matter? I also dont understand how your pictures are ruined...
    Posted by RailWayWife[/QUOTE]

    <div>In my mom's words, the symmetry is off, they didn't stay uniform, etc.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_bridesmaids-wrong-alternation-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:7b94eebf-ea9a-4cb5-933e-94279506da86Post:361aa0cd-b94d-4ada-82bf-4d6eb3acf7cc">Re: Bridesmaid's Wrong Alteration ... WWYD?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry to tell you this but I found it hard to be on your side once you said you had numerous BM meetings. That's where the problems started. You also required your BMs to wear heels which some may not be comfortable in. Your photos are not ruined. Let it go.
    Posted by HobokenBride2012[/QUOTE]

    <div>Numerous means three in my case, I'm not sure how many you're thinking.  Also, not sure where my asking them to where heels correlates to her dress-cutting decision, but they all wore heels that they owned prior to the wedding - I didn't ask for them to buy a particular shoe to feel uncomfortable in all day.</div><div>
    </div><div>And again, for clarification, it's my mother that's pressing the issue of "battling this out" ... not me.  Was just looking for support that this wasn't a friendship breaker.  Thanks for your input though!</div>
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    What's done is done, leave it alone as already mentioned. It's not worth losing a friend over.
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    If one of your MOH would have chosen a hi lo, wouldn't that have looked exactly the same in pictures?
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    Why is your mom so angry about the girl who cut her dress (to a very flattering length, btw) and not the girl whose "floor length" dress doesn't even cover her wedge heels?

    I think it's ridiculous to dictate what style of shoe a BM must wear - some people don't like heels. But what's done is done.

    Nothing can come of you talking to your BM. Certainly nothing good will come by having someone else do it for you. Your mom needs to let it go. Your pictures aren't ruined; I probably wouldnt have even noticed the different length had it not been point out. I was too busy focusing on the smiling faces of your nearest and dearest who were there to help you celebrate.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_bridesmaids-wrong-alternation-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:7b94eebf-ea9a-4cb5-933e-94279506da86Post:b336e77a-d34a-4cae-a9f0-a3ae216aadf6">Re: Bridesmaid's Wrong Alteration ... WWYD?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If one of your MOH would have chosen a hi lo, wouldn't that have looked exactly the same in pictures?
    Posted by gurrlballa10[/QUOTE]

    <div>Both my maid & matron (the two girls flanking my left & right) chose a high-lo, but it's not evident from the photo above.  So no, it didn't really look the same as hers.  In most of our group shots its not even evident, it's just really the ones where she's at the end, or right next to me, but that's not every single photo.  </div><div>
    </div><div>I'm just trying to show my mom ones that don't "expose" her to keep her from mentioning it.  I'm trying to avoid hearing things like "ruined photos" when I spent a decent amount of change on the photog, I'm not going to die because of it, I just need to get her to stop pestering me, and stop feeding me negative vibes, when I'm trying to enjoy post-wedding life.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_bridesmaids-wrong-alternation-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:7b94eebf-ea9a-4cb5-933e-94279506da86Post:88b3d804-0328-4c74-91ba-6e5b7889ba3d">Re: Bridesmaid's Wrong Alteration ... WWYD?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why is your mom so angry about the girl who cut her dress (to a very flattering length, btw) and not the girl whose "floor length" dress doesn't even cover her wedge heels? I think it's ridiculous to dictate what style of shoe a BM must wear - some people don't like heels. But what's done is done. Nothing can come of you talking to your BM. Certainly nothing good will come by having someone else do it for you. Your mom needs to let it go. Your pictures aren't ruined; I probably wouldnt have even noticed the different length had it not been point out. I was too busy focusing on the smiling faces of your nearest and dearest who were there to help you celebrate.
    Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>For your first question, I have no idea.  My mother is just against reasoning for her argument, and I'm all out of trying to talk her out of it.  But I understand your sentiment/point.</div><div>
    </div><div>Regarding the shoes, I would not have mandated heels if I knew that someone in my wedding party did not wear them on daily / regular basis, and only "required" it because of that knowledge ... I definitely would not have asked anyone to wear a specific shoe (which is why I asked them all to wear shoes that they already owned - I wasn't looking for someone to slip & slide down our church aisle, lol) if they were not heel-wearing girls on a regular basis.  The junior bridesmaids were given a choice of any shoe & height, and I was surprised that they came in with some of the tallest heels from the girls (I never could walk in those at this age, or back then...)</div><div>
    </div><div>But yes, I will just continue on with not saying anything.  I'll just have to work on getting my mom to stop saying anything about it (to anyone)! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" /></div><div>
    </div>
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    I would not bother to say anything.  I am sure it did not ruin the pictures.  I am old and have learned in life to pick my battles.  Of course this one maybe worth your time and effort.  For me I would be happy being a new MRS and let it go.  There are bigger things in life to worry about. 
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    RamonaFlowersRamonaFlowers member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited September 2012
    How many pictures of the WP do you really need?

    Like, seriously. I just can't fathom needing THAT many pictures of the WP in the album that it matters THIS much.

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
    image

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    First, I must admit that I did not read through all of the previous responses, but just wanted to offer support. I totally understand about the lack of symmetry making them look "ruined". But it seems as if you are content because it is what it is.

    If you are planing to use this pic in something special, just crop it. No short dress, no wedge heels.Perfectly symmetrical :)
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    I agree that saying something wouldn't really solve anything.  But for what it's worth, I 100% understand why you're annoyed.  Your pictures are definitely not ruined, but the girl does stick out and it would irritate me too.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    Couple things- I agree with you that the uniformity of the pictures is slightly off balance due to the different length, but it wasn't just her. If she had gotten a floor length dress then the girl to her right would have been blamed for the unevenness (her shoes are the only other ones completely visible though that may be due to the fact that she was going to change into flats and didn't want to be walking all over the dress during the reception). I don't think heels should have been "required" if the hems were to the ground anyway, you shouldn't have been able to even see the shoes.

    Those points made, I understand your frustration. Agreeing to be in a wedding party is you kind of saying you'll go along with how the bride wants things to look (within reason of course) and altering something so significantly was a bit thoughtless. But, it is over. So nothing can be done about it now. And P.S.- I still think your pictures are beautiful and you're lucky you had such a large bridal party and support group for your day.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_bridesmaids-wrong-alternation-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:7b94eebf-ea9a-4cb5-933e-94279506da86Post:48b7842b-cc5c-4087-965f-b9938b38307e">Re: Bridesmaid's Wrong Alteration ...(Vent-ish)</a>:
    [QUOTE]How many pictures of the WP do you really need? Like, seriously. I just can't fathom needing THAT many pictures of the WP in the album that it matters THIS much.
    Posted by RamonaFlowers[/QUOTE]

    <div>My mom won't even have WP pictures up at home, so for her, that answer would be "zero" ... but again, for her, that's not really the point.</div><div>
    </div><div>Thanks for your comment though, hope you had a great weekend.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_bridesmaids-wrong-alternation-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:7b94eebf-ea9a-4cb5-933e-94279506da86Post:700c9bef-f072-466a-9574-579cb68892a3">Re: Bridesmaid's Wrong Alteration ...(Vent-ish)</a>:
    [QUOTE]First, I must admit that I did not read through all of the previous responses, but just wanted to offer support. I totally understand about the lack of symmetry making them look "ruined". But it seems as if you are content because it is what it is. If you are planing to use this pic in something special, just crop it. No short dress, no wedge heels.Perfectly symmetrical :)
    Posted by michaeloswifey[/QUOTE]

    <div>Thanks for the support!  And congrats - you're almost there!  :o)</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_bridesmaids-wrong-alternation-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:7b94eebf-ea9a-4cb5-933e-94279506da86Post:2599790a-52de-4b10-a3b0-17b8ec0ece76">Re: Bridesmaid's Wrong Alteration ...(Vent-ish)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree that saying something wouldn't really solve anything.  But for what it's worth, I 100% understand why you're annoyed.  Your pictures are definitely not ruined, but the girl does stick out and it would irritate me too.
    Posted by ash273uk[/QUOTE]

    <div>Thanks for the support!  Hope you had a great long weekend!</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_bridesmaids-wrong-alternation-wwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:7b94eebf-ea9a-4cb5-933e-94279506da86Post:abac2f35-19a1-42f6-91cb-671730ffa630">Re: Bridesmaid's Wrong Alteration ...(Vent-ish)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Couple things- I agree with you that the uniformity of the pictures is slightly off balance due to the different length, but it wasn't just her. If she had gotten a floor length dress then the girl to her right would have been blamed for the unevenness (her shoes are the only other ones completely visible though that may be due to the fact that she was going to change into flats and didn't want to be walking all over the dress during the reception). I don't think heels should have been "required" if the hems were to the ground anyway, you shouldn't have been able to even see the shoes. Those points made, I understand your frustration. Agreeing to be in a wedding party is you kind of saying you'll go along with how the bride wants things to look (within reason of course) and altering something so significantly was a bit thoughtless. But, it is over. So nothing can be done about it now. And P.S.- I still think your pictures are beautiful and you're lucky you had such a large bridal party and support group for your day.
    Posted by Kristin4911[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Thanks for your response & support ... a big bridal party was hard to coordinate, but worth it in the end.  And congrats!  You're almost there! :o]

    </div>
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