Pre-wedding Parties

Engagement Party Dilemas

edited April 2015 in Pre-wedding Parties
Hi! I am having a rather large engagement party that my family IS hosting (parents,grandparents & godparents) my fiancé and I asked to help them pay for decorations etc... We are having it in September of this year. Labor day weekend. I have two questions: 1) Since it is a holiday weekend do we send out some kind of save the date to ensure our out of state friends/family are able to make travel plans?
2) How do we word our invitations? Since multiple family members are helping with costs?
And before anyone else carries on that it's tacky or improper to "help or actually throw" your own engagement party you can save your fingers from typing a rude response. My family decided to host this because we have family members that are close to us that we don't know if they will make it to our wedding! And my fiance and I feel that we should help with the cost. Thank you!:)

Re: Engagement Party Dilemas

  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Hi! I am having a rather large engagement party that my family (parents,grandparents & godparents) is helping my fiancé and I host... We are having it in September of this year. Labor day weekend. I have two questions: 1) Since it is a holiday weekend do we send out some kind of save the date to ensure our out of state friends/family are able to make travel plans?
    2) How do we word our invitations? Since my family is helping with costs?
    We are still paying for a lot too but they really are helping a great deal. Thank you!:)



    1) You don't host your own engagement party. That's super tacky. There's no need to create parties in one's own honor. If your family wants to throw one, that's fine, but you should not be involved in the sending of invites or paying.

    2) How long has it been since you got engaged? People's excitement for such parties wanes considerably. "Didn't they get engaged like several months ago? Can't we just celebrate with them at the wedding at this point?"

    [Deleted User]levioosa
  • We are not throwing for our selves. My family is hosting it but I insisted that they let us help pay for decorations etc. Maybe I should have worded it better but your initial comments do not need to be so rude.
  • And the reason why we are holding off on having it is because we got engaged in Feburary, we moved at the end of March and now I just had a major surgery that I am recovering from. You really should be a little more compassionate with your responses to people posting on these boards sheesh.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    We are not throwing for our selves. My family is hosting it but I insisted that they let us help pay for decorations etc. Maybe I should have worded it better but your initial comments do not need to be so rude.

    She wasn't being rude, she was being truthful and helpful.

    And her second point is kind of important.  How long have you been engaged?  Because like flantastic said, after a certain point people stop being excited about your engagement.  It would be like having a birthday party 6 months after your birthday. Personally, say if you got engaged at the beginning of April, I would say September is much too long to wait to have an engagement party.  

    Also, no to the STDs.  If I got a STD for an engagement party I would laugh my ass off.  Have your parents send invites at about the 4 week mark.  This isn't the type of event that people need months and months notice.  

    [Deleted User]
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    We are not throwing for our selves. My family is hosting it but I insisted that they let us help pay for decorations etc. Maybe I should have worded it better but your initial comments do not need to be so rude.



    My comment was not rude. Saying a tacky plan is tacky is true, not rude. And you said you were hosting it. I doubt your clarification that your family is hosting it because of what you asked. There's a reason you can't find wording to get across what you asked about. You want credit for throwing the party in your honor. There's not a good way to word that.

    esstee33levioosa
  • That's what I said to the person who suggested save the dates to me. I thought THAT was tacky. That is why I am on here asking for feedback. I'm sorry I am just not that kind of person to leave such blunt feedback with someone who is having a hard time figuring stuff out.


  • My comment was not rude. Saying a tacky plan is tacky is true, not rude. And you said you were hosting it. I doubt your clarification that your family is hosting it because of what you asked. There's a reason you can't find wording to get across what you asked about. You want credit for throwing the party in your honor. There's not a good way to word that.


    I do NOT want any credit for throwing the party thay they are throwing for me. In all honesty it was not my idea to have the party nor did I ask anyone to throw us one. My Grandmother was the one who asked if one could be had. But like I said I don't want them paying for everything. I feel bad and I don't like the attention. And I will state again. I absolutely gave the impression that ny fiance and I was the sole host(s) of the party but this really isn't the case. And please remember these questions are being ASKED for HELP not for me to be attacked and told that I am wrong or "tacky". I appreciate the feed back but I still feel there could have been a polite way to go about responding.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited April 2015

    That's what I said to the person who suggested save the dates to me. I thought THAT was tacky. That is why I am on here asking for feedback. I'm sorry I am just not that kind of person to leave such blunt feedback with someone who is having a hard time figuring stuff out.



    Stop taking everything so personally and you'll be fine. All of us came on here with bad ideas at some point, and the reason we bring them up is because we need honest and blunt feedback. We realize that having bad ideas doesn't make us bad people.

    We try to be short and to the point so that we can get to the real issues and not get bogged down in useless details.



    I do NOT want any credit for throwing the party thay they are throwing for me. In all honesty it was not my idea to have the party nor did I ask anyone to throw us one. My Grandmother was the one who asked if one could be had. But like I said I don't want them paying for everything. I feel bad and I don't like the attention. And I will state again. I absolutely gave the impression that ny fiance and I was the sole host(s) of the party but this really isn't the case. And please remember these questions are being ASKED for HELP not for me to be attacked and told that I am wrong or "tacky". I appreciate the feed back but I still feel there could have been a polite way to go about responding.



    Nothing about what we've said has been impolite. Not sugarcoating what you say is not impolite.

    The hosts of a party are the people who send invites, who welcome guests, who guests approach with questions, etc. Your "point people." Whoever wants that responsibility, put their names on the invite. i.e. "Point People invite you to an engagement party in honor of Bride and Groom."

    But again, let the other people be generous and throw it. Back out of the planning. And definitely don't be offended when people decline to come.

    [Deleted User]
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If I didn't want to help you, I would have stopped responding 20 minutes ago.
  • Listen I appreciate the feedback. And I really am not taking anything you say personally. I won't lose sleep tonight. I promise. I just expected the feedback in a different manner...

    So if you're saying to me that I should not help in any planning what do I tell the females in my family that are asking me to pick out this or pick up that? Or what would you like for this or that?
  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited April 2015

    Listen I appreciate the feedback. And I really am not taking anything you say personally. I won't lose sleep tonight. I promise. I just expected the feedback in a different manner...

    So if you're saying to me that I should not help in any planning what do I tell the females in my family that are asking me to pick out this or pick up that? Or what would you like for this or that?



    You should not have anything to do with planning any parties in your honor (this includes showers and bachelorette parties- and this is only if someone offers to throw you one). Take a step back and do nothing and let them handle the planning if they want to handle it.

    However, if you were engaged in February and this party is supposed to happen in September, that is way too late to still be celebrating your engagement. I would graciously decline the offer. If they want to do something, maybe they can plan a labour day weekend BBQ?

    Formerly martha1818

    image


    [Deleted User]lc07
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Listen I appreciate the feedback. And I really am not taking anything you say personally. I won't lose sleep tonight. I promise. I just expected the feedback in a different manner...

    So if you're saying to me that I should not help in any planning what do I tell the females in my family that are asking me to pick out this or pick up that? Or what would you like for this or that?



    Tell them "I'm really honored that you want to throw this party for us - I'm sure whatever you have planned will be great." I'm not surprised that they're asking you considering you've offered to pay for half the stuff.

    I'm glad that whole "offering to pay" situation worked out okay for you - I know many people would be offended if their guest of honor implied they wanted or needed to chip in, because it would imply that whatever they could host (which they obviously decided they could handle adequately themselves, or they wouldn't have offered) wasn't good enough for whatever sort of party you were envisioning.

    I really hope that it hasn't become obvious that you want certain things from the party that you don't think your family would or could provide, and that's why you think you need to pay for them or why they're asking your opinions. Sometimes people run things by the bride when they're hosting the party because they're concerned she'll flip out if it's not "just right." That's why "I'm sure whatever you have planned will be perfect" is good wording to reassure people that you're not 'zilla-ing out on them.

    [Deleted User]SP29lc07
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Listen I appreciate the feedback. And I really am not taking anything you say personally. I won't lose sleep tonight. I promise. I just expected the feedback in a different manner...

    So if you're saying to me that I should not help in any planning what do I tell the females in my family that are asking me to pick out this or pick up that? Or what would you like for this or that?



    You should not have anything to do with planning any parties in your honor (this includes showers and bachelorette parties- and this is only if someone offers to throw you one). Take a step back and do nothing and let them handle the planning if they want to handle it.

    However, if you were engaged in February and this party is supposed to happen in September, that is way too late to still be celebrating your engagement. I would graciously decline the offer. If they want to do something, maybe they can plan a labour day weekend BBQ?

    This. If your family wants to get together and see you, it doesn't have to be wedding-related.
    [Deleted User]Maggie0829
  • Listen I appreciate the feedback. And I really am not taking anything you say personally. I won't lose sleep tonight. I promise. I just expected the feedback in a different manner...

    So if you're saying to me that I should not help in any planning what do I tell the females in my family that are asking me to pick out this or pick up that? Or what would you like for this or that?

    "No" is not a four letter word.  

    "I really think September is far too long after our actual engagement to have an engagement party.  I'm really not comfortable being the center of attention for this kind of event.  Can we make it a regular Labor Day BBQ instead?"

    Godmother: "What would you like for this or that?"
    You: "I'm sure whatever you decide will be lovely.  I have absolutely no opinion on that whatsoever."
  • Another thing to keep in mind that I don't think you mentioned is that everyone invited to this large engagement party must be invited to your wedding. If you were not planning on doing so, it would be best to just decline the party, giving the reason that your guest list is small and/or not finalized yet.
    image
    [Deleted User]
  • I appreciate all your feedback and advice. After addressing this with my Grandmother she insist on having the party. There are reason (many reasons) why we need to have it later than sooner. If you read through the thread I just had major surgery and am in recovery. And because they (my family) would like to have it/host it I am going to let them do it. I did explain to my Grandmother that I'm not really supposed to have any involvement. Again she is insisting I help her and the women of the family give feedback on fun things. I guess this is just the way my family in New York would like to do things. And I am not going to hurt anyone's feeling by declining their joy for throwing a party. It has greater meaning to my grandparents especially. So again thank you for the responses. If I got anything out of this at least I can tell them no STD's! Thanks
  • I agree with the other posts. I find the timing to be very odd. If I were you I would decline the party as the time for it has past. (Yes I understand that you had other life issues that prevented a speedy party to occur but that is life. Does it suck? Yes. Was it your fault? No. Does it still mean you should decline the party? YES!)

    If you take this advice all the other questions die out and no longer apply.  And think about this, you mention helping with money because they should not have to pay for everything. Well, the thing that will save the most money is not having the party. Two birds, one stone.

    Be honest with yourself on this one. Here is how it is coming off : "I know that it is odd having the party so long after the engagement, but I really do not care because I want a party and to feel special."

    Adults do not do this. Adults should say "I really want this party. I want it so bad I can taste it! BUT, this makes no sense. The logistics do not work and it is not worth the money so in the end I will have to respectfully decline it and go on about planning the wedding."

    One last item. None of the advice I have given you is rude. I have no ill will toward you. I generally believe people are good and sometimes we just get in our own way. This tends to happen a lot when it comes to weddings. So take the advice on here as what your closest friends would tell you if they were 100% honest or if you could read minds.
    lovegood90
  • When are you getting married? Why don't they just throw you a bridal shower instead? At least then the timing won't seem so weird.
    [Deleted User]
  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    aliwis000 said:

    I agree with the other posts. I find the timing to be very odd. If I were you I would decline the party as the time for it has past. (Yes I understand that you had other life issues that prevented a speedy party to occur but that is life. Does it suck? Yes. Was it your fault? No. Does it still mean you should decline the party? YES!)

    If you take this advice all the other questions die out and no longer apply.  And think about this, you mention helping with money because they should not have to pay for everything. Well, the thing that will save the most money is not having the party. Two birds, one stone.

    Be honest with yourself on this one. Here is how it is coming off : "I know that it is odd having the party so long after the engagement, but I really do not care because I want a party and to feel special."

    Adults do not do this. Adults should say "I really want this party. I want it so bad I can taste it! BUT, this makes no sense. The logistics do not work and it is not worth the money so in the end I will have to respectfully decline it and go on about planning the wedding."

    One last item. None of the advice I have given you is rude. I have no ill will toward you. I generally believe people are good and sometimes we just get in our own way. This tends to happen a lot when it comes to weddings. So take the advice on here as what your closest friends would tell you if they were 100% honest or if you could read minds.

    I like your style. In fact, I love it. Solid advice. Please stick around.
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited May 2015
    Ugh, the knot is not a good source of etiquette advice.  In fact, it gives consistently terrible advice because it is a BUSINESS that wants you to spend money.  For example, it is horrifically rude to invite someone to a pre-wedding party when they are not invited to the wedding themselves.  And if you're having the party at a meal time, you have to serve a full meal, not just apps.  

    Oh, and ditto PPs.  Sometimes life doesn't work out the way you want it to.  No one is attacking you in this thread, and telling you an idea is bad is not rude.  


    image
    [Deleted User]
  • To address the original questions that you asked. 

    1.  No, I don't think an STD is necessary for an engagement party.  An invitation would do just fine.

    2.  Depending on how formal the invitations are for the party are could you list (I don't like that word, in my head it's more like a horizontal line of names, not vertical) the people who are hosting?

    I think it's sweet that they want to throw you a party especially after the year you've had and I totally get it about wanting to pitch in.  I don't find it rude or like you were implying they can't afford it.  You're showing your appreciation for helping out.  Anyway, hope all goes well with your recovery!
    notdoingitbythebook
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I would not travel for an engagement party, and I think you've been engaged too long for a party in September.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
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