MealBaby. Is this a thing now?

KatieinBkln

banana468 said:

I will say that my mom was awesome. She'd come over and clean and then she'd hold the baby so I could get a nap. But MIL point blank said after DD was born that she wasn't there to help and I wanted to run over her toes with a car.

Oh my god, that is despicable. I'd be like, "if you aren't here to help, then GTFO of my house, kthnxBAI!"

I like to think my mom would be a good post-baby guest, because she is a nurse and generally not an asshole and likes to take care of people. Same goes for my sister (on all counts). But anyone else? No thanks. I really like my FMIL, but I don't want her in my space when I'm wrecked from childbirth. I'm such a cranky asshole when I'm tired/in pain, and I just don't feel like we know each other like that, ya know?

flantastic

banana468 said:

geebee908 said:

banana468 said:

I will say that my mom was awesome. She'd come over and clean and then she'd hold the baby so I could get a nap. But MIL point blank said after DD was born that she wasn't there to help and I wanted to run over her toes with a car.

I've heard some grandmothers' idea of helping is "I'll take care of the
baby while you cook/clean/do laundry/whatever." NOT OK. Step up and help
with the household stuff so mom can take care of her child and recover
or get the hell out of there and stop being a nuisance.

Yep. SIL also said she wanted to cry when her mom swept her floors (this is not MIL).

This is why MIL will be limited in her visiting time.

The best thing you can do now is to set the expectations to parents that

1) you aren't running an open house with unlimited visiting hours 

2) You made a human being - not a toy for them to play with.

3) The concept that a grandparent needs to bond with the baby is absolute bullshit.   In those first few weeks, that baby needs his/her mother and others should only hold when parents deem it appropriate.

Thanks. I think it will help that we're 4 hours away from either of their homes, and obviously they're not staying with us if they come to visit the city. It'll be a few days max of drop-ins.

MIL was the worst with oldest nephew - "Give me that baby!" was actually said - but seemingly has calmed down. I do know that she won't be wanting to do anything helpful, which is okay, but that means you only stay for a little bit. I'll put H on it.

banana468

Also, so I don't come across as a MIL hater - I don't hate her.   But she does need to be put back in the box from time to time when it comes to this.   Now she takes DD for the night and that is AWESOME! 

theartistformerlyknownas

My friend's mother in law came to visit from out of the country when friend had a baby, by c-section no less... MIL not only didn't help at all, but expected friend to cook for her and clean up after her and then translate every commercial and TV show she watched. For several WEEKS.

photokitty

I thought this thread was going to be about the annoying way my coworker refers to her stomach after eating a really big meal. She refers having a (whatever she ate) baby in her tummy. It makes me cringe - same as when my other coworker calls her sandwich, a samitch - it makes me rationally stabby.

On this meal registry BS - No. Just no.

ashley8918

photokitty said:

I thought this thread was going to be about the annoying way my coworker refers to her stomach after eating a really big meal. She refers having a (whatever she ate) baby in her tummy. It makes me cringe - same as when my other coworker calls her sandwich, a samitch - it makes me rationally stabby.

On this meal registry BS - No. Just no.

I totally do this if someone implies that I might be pregnant (Because, rude as hell, fuck you). Otherwise, no.

flantastic

banana468 said:

Also, so I don't come across as a MIL hater - I don't hate her.   But she does need to be put back in the box from time to time when it comes to this.   Now she takes DD for the night and that is AWESOME! 

Yeah, SIL (the other one, with the nephew, not the meal-making floor-sweeping one) has said that even though they struggle more with boundary issues since she does so much with them, she doesn't think that she could have completed her nurse practitioner degree without MIL's willingness to be free babysitting a LOT.

southernbelle0915

lolo883 said:

My friend's mother in law came to visit from out of the country when friend had a baby, by c-section no less... MIL not only didn't help at all, but expected friend to cook for her and clean up after her and then translate every commercial and TV show she watched. For several WEEKS.

Whaaaaat? Home girl would be getting a damn hotel. Why did they even let her come? And where was her DH?!

My MIL is retired. She wanted to come for a MONTH (they're out of state). And stay with us - not in a hotel. Like the week after I deliver. I'm pretty sure she'd be sweet and helpful but just no.

I am seriously limiting visitors in the first month. Sorrynotsorry. If this were my second kid and I had the routine down...maybe I'd feel differently. But I'm quite sure I'll be a blubbering, wigged out, sleep deprived, unpleasant mess for a while. So no, y'all cannot play with my baby while he's sweet and then hand him back to me when he's crying. I get the sweetness, YOU take the crying if you really want to see the kid.

mklam

lolo883 said:

My friend's mother in law came to visit from out of the country when friend had a baby, by c-section no less... MIL not only didn't help at all, but expected friend to cook for her and clean up after her and then translate every commercial and TV show she watched. For several WEEKS.

No way! Thats completely crazy. She would be out of my house so fast! Then again, I am in no way a patient woman.

Dear lord.

sarahufl

mklam said:

lolo883 said:

My friend's mother in law came to visit from out of the country when friend had a baby, by c-section no less... MIL not only didn't help at all, but expected friend to cook for her and clean up after her and then translate every commercial and TV show she watched. For several WEEKS.

No way! Thats completely crazy. She would be out of my house so fast! Then again, I am in no way a patient woman.

Dear lord.

Yeah, MIL would find herself sleeping elsewhere.

theartistformerlyknownas

southernbelle0915 said:

My friend's mother in law came to visit from out of the country when friend had a baby, by c-section no less... MIL not only didn't help at all, but expected friend to cook for her and clean up after her and then translate every commercial and TV show she watched. For several WEEKS.

Whaaaaat? Home girl would be getting a damn hotel. Why did they even let her come? And where was her DH?!  

He was back to work. I would have kicked her ass out too. It was a very weird situation.

VulgarGirl

I have already made it very clear to both sides of our families that I have the ability to be a complete a total bitch. And I will cheerfully use that ability after Fufu arrives. 

You will not just "pop by". I will not answer the door. Hell I might even call the cops on you just for shits and giggles. We each have a cell phone, facebook, twitter account, figure out how to contact us at least a half hour before coming over. And not to say "we're coming" but to ask if you can come over.

Holding the baby is not helping. You want to help, ask what needs to be done. Otherwise sit quietly on the couch.

Do not offer unsolicited advice. We might be your kids, but we aren't kids anymore. Don't criticize the way we're doing something. Only speak up if the child is ACTUALLY in danger.

When it's time to leave, GTFO. I mean that will all the love in the world. GTFO. You will know it's time to leave when one of says "Well thanks for stopping by we're gonna go sleep for 5 seconds and try to remember what sex was". 

NO ONE NEEDS TO COME STAY WITH US. DON'T BOTHER OFFERING. WE WILL JUST SAY NO.

[Deleted User]

MagicInk said:

I have already made it very clear to both sides of our families that I have the ability to be a complete a total bitch. And I will cheerfully use that ability after Fufu arrives. 

You will not just "pop by". I will not answer the door. Hell I might even call the cops on you just for shits and giggles. We each have a cell phone, facebook, twitter account, figure out how to contact us at least a half hour before coming over. And not to say "we're coming" but to ask if you can come over.

Holding the baby is not helping. You want to help, ask what needs to be done. Otherwise sit quietly on the couch.

Do not offer unsolicited advice. We might be your kids, but we aren't kids anymore. Don't criticize the way we're doing something. Only speak up if the child is ACTUALLY in danger.

When it's time to leave, GTFO. I mean that will all the love in the world. GTFO. You will know it's time to leave when one of says "Well thanks for stopping by we're gonna go sleep for 5 seconds and try to remember what sex was". 

NO ONE NEEDS TO COME STAY WITH US. DON'T BOTHER OFFERING. WE WILL JUST SAY NO.

The day, and I mean the moment, my sister announced her pregnancy, my mom announced she would be moving to California and living with my sister and her husband and the new baby until the kid was a year old.  No joke.  My sister bought my parents a house.  She worded it as, "we need to learn to live by ourselves in our little 3-person family", but I heard it as, "HELL NO, you will not be living with me for a YEAR!  Here's a house, go live there!"  My sister is nicer (and richer) than I am.

anjemon

Ugh. The whole meal registry is just terrible. I know my sister and my mother did the freezer meals thing when sis was pregnant. That sounds like the smartest idea.

I think we'll get to avoid long guest visits if/when we have a kid. MIL lives in the same area as we do so she can go home and drive to visit easily. Also H is quite comfortable telling people they can't stay or they need to get going. Which is good because I'd never be comfortable doing that to his family. My Mom will probably visit, but she's not that far away either and I can ask her not to stay with us if she wants to stay over. She's also cleans things when she visits currently (completely unasked) so I can see her being helpful during baby time.

But geez. Some people just need to understand giving people space.

theartistformerlyknownas

I'm too concerned with people wanting to visit in the hospital to even worry about them wanting to visit at home yet. My H's grandparents have already stated quite emphatically that they'll be in the waiting room waiting as soon as they hear the baby's on the way. Um. Well then you just might not hear until the baby's already here, or you might be waiting for 3 days to wave at me as I rocket my little wheelchair past you to get out. I have NO IDEA when or if I'll be up for visitors once I expel this creature from my nether regions, or if it will come out Alien-style. Especially considering once his grandparents get involved, somehow it turns into an extra 12 people. I'm cool with his mom, my parents, and my sisters. THAT'S IT. Anyone else, please don't hang around like vultures. I'll call YOU when I'm ready to see you.

flantastic

adk19 said:

MagicInk said:

I have already made it very clear to both sides of our families that I have the ability to be a complete a total bitch. And I will cheerfully use that ability after Fufu arrives. 

You will not just "pop by". I will not answer the door. Hell I might even call the cops on you just for shits and giggles. We each have a cell phone, facebook, twitter account, figure out how to contact us at least a half hour before coming over. And not to say "we're coming" but to ask if you can come over.

Holding the baby is not helping. You want to help, ask what needs to be done. Otherwise sit quietly on the couch.

Do not offer unsolicited advice. We might be your kids, but we aren't kids anymore. Don't criticize the way we're doing something. Only speak up if the child is ACTUALLY in danger.

When it's time to leave, GTFO. I mean that will all the love in the world. GTFO. You will know it's time to leave when one of says "Well thanks for stopping by we're gonna go sleep for 5 seconds and try to remember what sex was". 

NO ONE NEEDS TO COME STAY WITH US. DON'T BOTHER OFFERING. WE WILL JUST SAY NO.

The day, and I mean the moment, my sister announced her pregnancy, my mom announced she would be moving to California and living with my sister and her husband and the new baby until the kid was a year old.  No joke.  My sister bought my parents a house.  She worded it as, "we need to learn to live by ourselves in our little 3-person family", but I heard it as, "HELL NO, you will not be living with me for a YEAR!  Here's a house, go live there!"  My sister is nicer (and richer) than I am.

As intrusive as MIL can be in her excitement, her sister is like 3x worse.

She is finally getting the first grandbaby from her kids, after whining about it since before both of them got married, and more so since MIL started getting grandchildren.

She literally posted a Facebook status the other day (not as an announcement, that's been done): "What a beautiful morning! The sun is shining, the wrens are singing, and I'm going to be a grandma!" And keeps sharing photo stuff like "Cherish your baby in the early, demanding years."

I cannot imagine having to deal with how often she would want to visit and "bond" with the kid. I hope her daughter has been mentally preparing for the last several years.

My response to your mom would be "No, you will not."

sarahufl

lolo883 said:

I'm too concerned with people wanting to visit in the hospital to even worry about them wanting to visit at home yet. My H's grandparents have already stated quite emphatically that they'll be in the waiting room waiting as soon as they hear the baby's on the way. Um. Well then you just might not hear until the baby's already here, or you might be waiting for 3 days to wave at me as I rocket my little wheelchair past you to get out. I have NO IDEA when or if I'll be up for visitors once I expel this creature from my nether regions, or if it will come out Alien-style. Especially considering once his grandparents get involved, somehow it turns into an extra 12 people. I'm cool with his mom, my parents, and my sisters. THAT'S IT. Anyone else, please don't hang around like vultures. I'll call YOU when I'm ready to see you.

Yeah, if I get pregnant again I will def institute a "stay away from the hospital" rule. H's family lives near us and my family is all far away. I just don't want them to see me or be all up in my business right away. My sister would be the only exception to that rule.

southernbelle0915

lolo883 said:

I'm too concerned with people wanting to visit in the hospital to even worry about them wanting to visit at home yet. My H's grandparents have already stated quite emphatically that they'll be in the waiting room waiting as soon as they hear the baby's on the way. Um. Well then you just might not hear until the baby's already here, or you might be waiting for 3 days to wave at me as I rocket my little wheelchair past you to get out. I have NO IDEA when or if I'll be up for visitors once I expel this creature from my nether regions, or if it will come out Alien-style. Especially considering once his grandparents get involved, somehow it turns into an extra 12 people. I'm cool with his mom, my parents, and my sisters. THAT'S IT. Anyone else, please don't hang around like vultures. I'll call YOU when I'm ready to see you.

This.

We tried to think of a short list of people we'd be OK with having at the hospital. The list has zero people on it.

And I don't feel bad about that. I feel pressured by people, but I don't feel bad about saying no.

I will have been carting this guy around for 9 months. I will go through the most difficult physical process of my life to get him from uterus to air. I'm going to want some alone time with him after that.

Same as your H's grandparents, we have people saying they'll "be in the waiting room". I've told them point blank we will want some time alone with the kid and to recover. Some people have said, "oh well you won't have a choice! We'll want to meet him."

This is why there are currently zero people on the list.

theartistformerlyknownas

southernbelle0915 said:

lolo883 said:

I'm too concerned with people wanting to visit in the hospital to even worry about them wanting to visit at home yet. My H's grandparents have already stated quite emphatically that they'll be in the waiting room waiting as soon as they hear the baby's on the way. Um. Well then you just might not hear until the baby's already here, or you might be waiting for 3 days to wave at me as I rocket my little wheelchair past you to get out. I have NO IDEA when or if I'll be up for visitors once I expel this creature from my nether regions, or if it will come out Alien-style. Especially considering once his grandparents get involved, somehow it turns into an extra 12 people. I'm cool with his mom, my parents, and my sisters. THAT'S IT. Anyone else, please don't hang around like vultures. I'll call YOU when I'm ready to see you.

This.

We tried to think of a short list of people we'd be OK with having at the hospital. The list has zero people on it.

And I don't feel bad about that. I feel pressured by people, but I don't feel bad about saying no.

I will have been carting this guy around for 9 months. I will go through the most difficult physical process of my life to get him from uterus to air. I'm going to want some alone time with him after that.

Same as your H's grandparents, we have people saying they'll "be in the waiting room". I've told them point blank we will want some time alone with the kid and to recover. Some people have said, "oh well you won't have a choice! We'll want to meet him."

This is why there are currently zero people on the list.

I actually got REALLY EXCITED when I saw a line in the hospital paperwork about how only two previously-named people are allowed to visit you in the maternity ward... until I realized that's for their sister hospital a few towns over, and our hospital has a "very welcoming policy, any number of visitors 24 hours a day." Gee thanks for nothin', hospital.

flantastic

lolo883 said:

I'm too concerned with people wanting to visit in the hospital to even worry about them wanting to visit at home yet. My H's grandparents have already stated quite emphatically that they'll be in the waiting room waiting as soon as they hear the baby's on the way. Um. Well then you just might not hear until the baby's already here, or you might be waiting for 3 days to wave at me as I rocket my little wheelchair past you to get out. I have NO IDEA when or if I'll be up for visitors once I expel this creature from my nether regions, or if it will come out Alien-style. Especially considering once his grandparents get involved, somehow it turns into an extra 12 people. I'm cool with his mom, my parents, and my sisters. THAT'S IT. Anyone else, please don't hang around like vultures. I'll call YOU when I'm ready to see you.

Yep. I told H that under no circumstances would we be doing what his mom asked for and calling when we go to the hospital. She doesn't need an iPhone picture of the baby and "new family" in the hour after birth. We will call whenever we feel like after the baby arrives. That gives us at least a 4 hour buffer for her travel time. H was surprised that I was even okay with that and had been anticipating me/us asking for a buffer of possibly days before visitors. I told him we could definitely play that by ear.

We just did a hospital tour this past Saturday, and the nurses will enforce a "do not disturb" on the door of the mother-baby unit. I plan to take full advantage. If people insist on being in the waiting room and I haven't invited them to come by, they can wait until the nurses allow them back.

[Deleted User]

flantastic said:

adk19 said:

MagicInk said:

I have already made it very clear to both sides of our families that I have the ability to be a complete a total bitch. And I will cheerfully use that ability after Fufu arrives. 

You will not just "pop by". I will not answer the door. Hell I might even call the cops on you just for shits and giggles. We each have a cell phone, facebook, twitter account, figure out how to contact us at least a half hour before coming over. And not to say "we're coming" but to ask if you can come over.

Holding the baby is not helping. You want to help, ask what needs to be done. Otherwise sit quietly on the couch.

Do not offer unsolicited advice. We might be your kids, but we aren't kids anymore. Don't criticize the way we're doing something. Only speak up if the child is ACTUALLY in danger.

When it's time to leave, GTFO. I mean that will all the love in the world. GTFO. You will know it's time to leave when one of says "Well thanks for stopping by we're gonna go sleep for 5 seconds and try to remember what sex was". 

NO ONE NEEDS TO COME STAY WITH US. DON'T BOTHER OFFERING. WE WILL JUST SAY NO.

The day, and I mean the moment, my sister announced her pregnancy, my mom announced she would be moving to California and living with my sister and her husband and the new baby until the kid was a year old.  No joke.  My sister bought my parents a house.  She worded it as, "we need to learn to live by ourselves in our little 3-person family", but I heard it as, "HELL NO, you will not be living with me for a YEAR!  Here's a house, go live there!"  My sister is nicer (and richer) than I am.

As intrusive as MIL can be in her excitement, her sister is like 3x worse.

She is finally getting the first grandbaby from her kids, after whining about it since before both of them got married, and more so since MIL started getting grandchildren.

She literally posted a Facebook status the other day (not as an announcement, that's been done): "What a beautiful morning! The sun is shining, the wrens are singing, and I'm going to be a grandma!" And keeps sharing photo stuff like "Cherish your baby in the early, demanding years."

I cannot imagine having to deal with how often she would want to visit and "bond" with the kid. I hope her daughter has been mentally preparing for the last several years.

My response to your mom would be "No, you will not."

MY response to my mom would also be, "No, you will not."  But I am not my sister.  Sister's kid showed up two weeks early and five days before my mom was planning on flying out there.  Mom paid extra and was on a plane 3 hours after the, "my water broke" phonecall.  Not sure if she made it for the actual birth, but I know she was the first (and only?) family member to visit and possibly the only hospital visitor.

A cousin of mine is getting married in a couple weeks.  Dad is leaving my sister and the baby to be there for the wedding.  My mom isn't.  Me; "Mom, it's only for the weekend, why don't you come out here to see everyone?"  Mom: "I can't.  Your sister needs help with the baby."  Me:  "But it's only for the weekend.  Surely the parents can handle taking care of their own child for ONE weekend."  Mom:  "No.  I need to be with the baby."  And this was BEFORE the kid was even born.  I honestly don't even know how my sister is surviving.

One more reason in the long list of reasons I should probably not have a kid.

KatieinBkln

Happily, my sister is a labor and delivery nurse, so I can count on her to tell people to stay the fuck out. The "bring the whole family types" are a known trope in her line of work, and almost without exception, the new moms are NOT on board with it but can't say no once the deluge begins. 

Plus all those people just get in the nurses' way, too.

I will no doubt call my mom/sister when I go to the hospital/birthing center/etc. But only because I trust them not to be obnoxious. (Although I might want one of them around during labor to distract FI. He is...not good with hospitals so I'd rather have someone there to pull him out of the room before he passes out).

hellosweetie1015

All this thread is doing is adding to my anxiety. Not only do I have to put up with carrying a small alien thingy in my belly, sitting on all my organs; not only do I have to push that baby out of a relatively small hole at the bottom of my torso; not only do I have to worry about complications baby might have or I might have; not only do I have to constantly worry that baby might grow up to be a normal kid and severely hurt itself in the process; nope, on top of all that crap I gotta worry about MIL and Mom and my sisters OH GOD MY SISTERS and people wanting to barge in the damn hospital room.

Fuck that noise. I'm instituting a no-random-visitors policy the moment I get that BFP.

afox007

I know it's going to be at least a year until we TTC, but you ladies for once have me very grateful for my crazy dysfunctional family. Most live too far to just come over. My mom has told me several times that she owes me for all the help I was after she had my siblings. She's done this shit 6 times so I know if she comes to help, she will actually help. 

FMIL is still on the shit list and FI has said several times, he wants to wait until we've been home awhile before even telling her baby is here. He doesn't want baby007's first experience of the world to be BSC grandma. 

theartistformerlyknownas

hellosweetie1015 said:

All this thread is doing is adding to my anxiety. Not only do I have to put up with carrying a small alien thingy in my belly, sitting on all my organs; not only do I have to push that baby out of a relatively small hole at the bottom of my torso; not only do I have to worry about complications baby might have or I might have; not only do I have to constantly worry that baby might grow up to be a normal kid and severely hurt itself in the process; nope, on top of all that crap I gotta worry about MIL and Mom and my sisters OH GOD MY SISTERS and people wanting to barge in the damn hospital room.

Fuck that noise. I'm instituting a no-random-visitors policy the moment I get that BFP.

But then you get to do this...

hellosweetie1015

lolo883 said:

hellosweetie1015 said:

All this thread is doing is adding to my anxiety. Not only do I have to put up with carrying a small alien thingy in my belly, sitting on all my organs; not only do I have to push that baby out of a relatively small hole at the bottom of my torso; not only do I have to worry about complications baby might have or I might have; not only do I have to constantly worry that baby might grow up to be a normal kid and severely hurt itself in the process; nope, on top of all that crap I gotta worry about MIL and Mom and my sisters OH GOD MY SISTERS and people wanting to barge in the damn hospital room.

Fuck that noise. I'm instituting a no-random-visitors policy the moment I get that BFP.

But then you get to do this...

Yep. Just me and FI (who will be DH by then) will get to do that.