Wedding Etiquette Forum

Afraid to ask but need help...

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Re: Afraid to ask but need help...

  • Stick around OP! We are happy to help those that actually want advice. 

    We are only snarky to the special snowflakes that think their situation is unique.

    I didn't have favors, and as far as I know, no one cared. They are not required. Plus, favors remind me of a child's birthday party.

    Don't have a cash bar. Beer and wine only is perfectly acceptable. Do not do the open bar for the wedding party only. I went to a wedding like that, it's not cool. All guests need to be treated the same.

    You don't have to block any hotel rooms, but it's nice if you can.
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  • Stick around OP! We are happy to help those that actually want advice. 


    We are only snarky to the special snowflakes that think their situation is unique.

    I didn't have favors, and as far as I know, no one cared. They are not required. Plus, favors remind me of a child's birthday party.

    Don't have a cash bar. Beer and wine only is perfectly acceptable. Do not do the open bar for the wedding party only. I went to a wedding like that, it's not cool. All guests need to be treated the same.

    You don't have to block any hotel rooms, but it's nice if you can.
    Seconding the bolded. We're all here to offer advice happily- the snark comes when someone's just looking for validation for their poor ideas ;)

    Formerly martha1818

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  • I think, regarding the bar....beer and wine, water and sodas, are just fine. Honestly, if you invited any of these people over to your place for dinner, and offered these options, they'd think, nice
    Same thing.
    But don't start out offering open bar and switch. That can be really confusing and embarrassing for guests, and divides your guests into those who brought money and those who (correctly) thought they were guests, not customers. 

    The bar doesn't have to cost thousands. Is it a venue that allows you to bring in your own bartender and alcohol?
  • It seems like you're on the right track, OP. I'm having a dessert table after the cake and leaving it open for a an hour or two. It's nice to munch on something later on in the evening. 

    My cousin gave out little favors, wedding bells. Me and FI immediately threw them out after the wedding, we have no use for a cheap bell. Hate to see such a waste of money when it can be used for something else, like a candy bar or photo booth or something a little extra. 
    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 
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  • fyrchk said:

    We are planning our wedding and will be paying for the majority of it ourselves. I have a couple of etiquette questions and I'm a little afraid to ask because I see some people get taken to the cleaners, but I am in need of help and would prefer asking you all as opposed to asking friends and possibly offend someone without meaning to.

    1. I am from another state but have lived in Colorado for 7 years. FI has lived here most of his life. We had planned on having a small wedding with mostly just people from Colorado attending. (If I start inviting people from out of state it will be a ridiculous number and I don't want anyone to feel obligated to try to fly out here, rent a car, rent a hotel, etc.) However, people are now mentioning that they can't wait to come to my wedding. I don't discuss it on facebook and have asked my bridesmaids not to do so either. How do I politely say, "We're keeping it small and in-state."

    2. The venue is not actually a hotel but a time-share. We live in Denver but are getting married in Estes Park so most people will want to get rooms. We were only able to secure ten rooms (which includes ours) at the venue. Should I block another set of rooms at another hotel and hope that people fill them? Or just give out names of hotels in the area?

    3. The dreaded cash bar...we were thinking of hosting a cocktail hour (which apparently is very much the norm here) and then either going cash bar or hosting a wine/beer bar and guests can pay for alcohol beyond that. My question is: should we not host the cocktail hour at all? Is it worse to host for a short period of time or have no bar at all?

    4. Is a candy bar considered enough of a favor for guests? Or should I also do favors?

    I feel like my head is spinning from too much etiquette reading. I don't want to offend and have found that I may be offending people without realizing it. *sigh*

    1. You're doing the right thing, by keeping the details off of social media. When people bring it up to you, as if they'll be invited, "We're actually having a really small wedding, but I can't wait to catch up the next time I'm home/in town/wherever"
    2. Base this on your total number of guests. I'd recommend 1-3 more based on location, price and quality.
    3. Please don't do a cash bar. Since it sounds like you can budget for at least one hour fully hosted, and the rest of the night partly hosted (beer and wine), you should only have a beer & wine bar, and fully host for the duration.
    4. Favors aren't necessary. Candy bars are cute, but I would rather you put this toward fully hosting your bar.
  • fyrchkfyrchk member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer

    I think, regarding the bar....beer and wine, water and sodas, are just fine. Honestly, if you invited any of these people over to your place for dinner, and offered these options, they'd think, nice

    Same thing.
    But don't start out offering open bar and switch. That can be really confusing and embarrassing for guests, and divides your guests into those who brought money and those who (correctly) thought they were guests, not customers. 

    The bar doesn't have to cost thousands. Is it a venue that allows you to bring in your own bartender and alcohol?
    No, we have to use their bar which is fine. I will definitely try to get a more concrete answer from the venue about open bar "estimates." As it is, I'm doing the candy bar and cupcakes so I'm asking them to nix their desserts that are part of the dinner (you either get desserts or cake slicing) and pass more hors d'oeuvres during the cocktail hour.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    fyrchk said:

    We are planning our wedding and will be paying for the majority of it ourselves. I have a couple of etiquette questions and I'm a little afraid to ask because I see some people get taken to the cleaners, but I am in need of help and would prefer asking you all as opposed to asking friends and possibly offend someone without meaning to.

    1. I am from another state but have lived in Colorado for 7 years. FI has lived here most of his life. We had planned on having a small wedding with mostly just people from Colorado attending. (If I start inviting people from out of state it will be a ridiculous number and I don't want anyone to feel obligated to try to fly out here, rent a car, rent a hotel, etc.) However, people are now mentioning that they can't wait to come to my wedding. I don't discuss it on facebook and have asked my bridesmaids not to do so either. How do I politely say, "We're keeping it small and in-state."

    I wouldn't have asked your bridesmaids not to discuss it on Facebook, but I do agree with not doing it yourself.  If someone approaches you about attending who's not on your guest list, you can say, "Unfortunately, it isn't possible for us to invite everyone we would have liked."

    2. The venue is not actually a hotel but a time-share. We live in Denver but are getting married in Estes Park so most people will want to get rooms. We were only able to secure ten rooms (which includes ours) at the venue. Should I block another set of rooms at another hotel and hope that people fill them? Or just give out names of hotels in the area?

    Block rooms at another hotels. 

    3. The dreaded cash bar...we were thinking of hosting a cocktail hour (which apparently is very much the norm here) and then either going cash bar or hosting a wine/beer bar and guests can pay for alcohol beyond that. My question is: should we not host the cocktail hour at all? Is it worse to host for a short period of time or have no bar at all?

    Whatever you do, don't charge for drinks.  Your guests should not have to pay for anything at all, including alcohol.  It's okay to have no bar.

    4. Is a candy bar considered enough of a favor for guests? Or should I also do favors?

    Most people don't miss favors, but a candy bar sounds nice.

    I feel like my head is spinning from too much etiquette reading. I don't want to offend and have found that I may be offending people without realizing it. *sigh*


  • fyrchkfyrchk member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Jen4948 said:

    I should clarify in that I asked them not to tag me in things. I just don't want everything to play out on fb like I see a lot of bride's do and then complain because people are asking me about my wedding stuff.

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    fyrchk said:


    I can understand that, but it still doesn't strike me as appropriate to tell other people what they can or can't post on their own or other pages.  You can lock down your own page to prevent being tagged, but that's all.
  • I think all the PP's have given great advice, but I'll throw in my two cents anyway:

    One note on room blocks... Check around with different hotels and see what their policies are. The hotel we blocked at required a $100 deposit, but once two rooms from the block were booked by guests, we got our deposit back. We had family members reserving rooms even before the invitations went out, so we got our deposit back really quickly. 

    If there are hotels in the area with a similar policy (or where you don't have to put down a deposit at all), then definitely reserve blocks at a couple of places. Especially since it sounds like you're going to be in a touristy area. Worst case would be that the blocks don't fill, and then the hotel will just release the rooms back to the general public.

    As for favors, I think they can be nice, but they can be completely useless too. We tossed around the idea of shot glasses or pint glasses or something, but then we realized that most people probably don't want a random pint glass with our names on it. My sister and her husband did wine glasses for favors, and at the end of the night they had dozens left because people didn't want to take them/pack them/whatever. I'd skip the candy bar and put that money toward the bar bar.
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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Beer and wine only is perfectly pleasant. If the venue won't put away the other alcohol options, then you could have a sign stating what you are hosting.

    I just wanted to say, for any lurkers, friends of ours had a cash bar at their wedding but an open tab for the wedding party. There were only 6 wedding party members (including SOs) besides the bride and groom. At the end of the night, the B&G had a huge "WP" bar tab- hardly any of the WP actually drank anything alcoholic! We think either the bartender didn't care, or assumed certain people were in the WP, or that guests were either saying they were in the WP or that they were buying a drink for the groom. 

    I mean first of all, all guests should've been hosted equally, but just trying to show that an attempt to save money doesn't always work out and the "perks" may not as intended. 
  • Well, this was a refreshing change.  PPs were spot on.  Thanks for not being a Speshul Snowflake, OP!  Your guests will thank you for it! 


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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited May 2015
    fyrchk said:

    I am learning so much. Thank you. Our venue made it sound like cash bars are no big deal and recommended the cocktail hour of free drinks. They then recommended that I maybe keep an open tab for the wedding party but require others to pay and I thought that might be tacky. Although, they made it sound like a common occurrence.




    Here is a good flow chart for deciding who to listen to with regards to ettiquette:

    1.) Do I have a commercial arrangement with this person?

    Yes ( go to 2)
    No ( listen it their advice, but think if they can truly speak for everyone ie "I'm not offended by b-listing" can't spreak for everyone because even if 1 person is upset, that is 1 person too many. Or if they have a ulterior motive "I had a honeymoon registry so you can have one too to justify my rudeness in numbers" or "I'd rather pay for drinks than have no alcohol".

    2.) if I follow their advice, will they make more money (from either me, my guests paying for something I'm not, or a combination)?

    Yes ( ehhh, chances are they are upwelling you or just want more money- See 3)

    No ( just because it's common doesn't mean it follows ettiquette, and isn't rude or tacky)

    3.) is there a chance, no matter how small, that your decision will hurt people's feelings? (Not talking about preferences- ie you serve burgers and a person wants steak, but rather: are you separating your guests at all (tiered wedding, open bar for some) or making your guests open their purse).

    Yes (nail in the coffin- this person is rude!)

    No ( sounds like it could work- if still ambivalent, ask us here- we are happy to help!)

  • I think as long as it is asked respectfully it should be fine. People also have a right to privacy. I'm not a very private person but if I was asked by a friend not to post about something I wouldn't have a problem with it.
    Yeah I asked my mom not to tag me when she wanted to post about us wedding dress shopping. I told her she can share whatever she wants on her page, but I don't want it to show up on my page. I think the only thing I'd request someone take down would be if they shared an invite or STD, which WHY would anyone do that, but I can think of one or two people I know who might. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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  • littlepep said:

    Yeah I asked my mom not to tag me when she wanted to post about us wedding dress shopping. I told her she can share whatever she wants on her page, but I don't want it to show up on my page. I think the only thing I'd request someone take down would be if they shared an invite or STD, which WHY would anyone do that, but I can think of one or two people I know who might. 
    Wedding or not, I fucking HATE when people tag me for ANYTHING.   I can tag myself if I want (and have).  Or if I'm standing there, then ask.  But do not tag me without permission.

    I also never tag people.  Even while on vacation with DH I do not tag him without asking first.

    It's just simple courtesy. 






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I have been avoiding the Ettiquette boards for months but this has been a refreshing thread!

  • kvrunskvruns member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    SP29 said:

    Beer and wine only is perfectly pleasant. If the venue won't put away the other alcohol options, then you could have a sign stating what you are hosting.


    I just wanted to say, for any lurkers, friends of ours had a cash bar at their wedding but an open tab for the wedding party. There were only 6 wedding party members (including SOs) besides the bride and groom. At the end of the night, the B&G had a huge "WP" bar tab- hardly any of the WP actually drank anything alcoholic! We think either the bartender didn't care, or assumed certain people were in the WP, or that guests were either saying they were in the WP or that they were buying a drink for the groom. 

    I mean first of all, all guests should've been hosted equally, but just trying to show that an attempt to save money doesn't always work out and the "perks" may not as intended. 
    my friend had tickets for drinks last summer, I think each person got 2 tickets at their seat and then WP was free all night (no tickets needed).  I was in WP so I would just order my FI's drink.  There were also extras around and we gave those to some friends so they could make sure and get theirs too w/o paying.  I think I got a drink for one of them too bc mixed drinks were more tickets or something and she didn't have enough. By no means did we add 50 drinks to the tab or anything but I think the other WP members also got drinks for their SOs this way too.
  • littlepep said:

    Yeah I asked my mom not to tag me when she wanted to post about us wedding dress shopping. I told her she can share whatever she wants on her page, but I don't want it to show up on my page. I think the only thing I'd request someone take down would be if they shared an invite or STD, which WHY would anyone do that, but I can think of one or two people I know who might. 

    Beats me, but I had TWO different people post my STDs on social media (one on Instagram & Facebook, one on Twitter). I was not happy, and one girl couldn't understand why I was annoyed that she shared my full name, wedding website, and my address (she held the envelope behind the STD and the return address was visible) to her thousands of Insta followers.
    ~*~*~*~*~

  • fyrchkfyrchk member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer

    I politely asked and explained my reasoning for not being tagged. Essentially, I don't want people asking me if they are getting an invite and I hate when people share every single detail on FB knowing they aren't inviting people. I have an acquaintance who is also getting married with every single update about her wedding. I get a couple here and there, but "I got my shoes!" "I need an officiant!" "Look at the gifts I gave my bridesmaids!" "Does anyone know any cheap photographers?" "The wedding invites came in!" "I have the best fiance ever! He's letting me have pink as one of my colors!"

    Then when someone asks about her wedding, it's "Oh, well, we aren't sure who we're inviting yet..." And then her bridesmaids all tag her in everything also. It's just overwhelming and makes me snarky. (This may be much better on the snark board.)

    I just don't want to be that person either purposefully or unintentionally. (FTR, I do have my stuff set that I have to approve it first, but since we have mutual friends, that ish still shows up in the feed.)

     

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