Help me edit, o wise Knotties of Knottingham

hellosweetie1015

Okay. Background time! FI and I are moving our wedding. Our officiant is the pastor of his parents' church, where we were originally going to have it. Events transpired to make it quite feasible to have it here, and have it in a manner we're more likely to enjoy. So now I'm emailing our pastor to let him know, so that he can decide whether he wants to make the trek while still giving us time to find another officiant if he doesn't want to. 

I write novels. For everything. Like, War and Peace novels. There's too much detail in just about every email I send, my posts are three pages long. I can't be succinct. Help me trim this down so that it's not stupid long. It's already been subject to some edits I made myself do, but I'm sure it could still be pared down. FI's at work or I'd have him look at it.

Thanks in advance!

Pastorman,

Last Friday, FI's boss offered us the use of one of his restaurants without a rental fee for our wedding reception. We are considering taking him up on it. However, it does pose the problem of being three hours from where you are. FI and I have discussed it, and we would love for you to continue as our minister for our ceremony if that is at all feasible. As such, I'd love to discuss what we would need to do to allow for that.

If you feel like the travel commitment is not something you can do, I'd also like to discuss the possibility of FI and I continuing to work with you prior to our marriage. We want to enter our union as prepared as we can be for what God may have in store for us, and we think working with you will help us do that.

I look forward to your response.

Thanks so much,

HelloSweetie

AprilH81

I think that sounds great and not too long at all!

louxnoelle

I think that's actually super succinct.

tpwkalyn

Perfect!

emmaaa

That sounds good to me.

Were you paying him before? If he traveled to the new location would you offer him more money or offer to pay his lodging? That is something you may consider including in the email if so.

littlepep

I actually think it sounds perfect. Straightforward and to the point. 

theartistformerlyknownas

I think it's short enough, but maybe a little waffle-y at the beginning. Aren't you for sure going to move it? I'd just make the first paragraph say:

Due to some changes in circumstances late last week, FI and I have decided to move our ceremony location to a restaurant in (City). We realize that this is 3 hours away and may pose some travel concerns for you. FI and I have discussed it, and we would love for you to continue as our minister for our ceremony if that is at all feasible. As such, I'd love to discuss what we would need to do to allow for that.

hellosweetie1015

emmaaa said:

That sounds good to me.

Were you paying him before? If he traveled to the new location would you offer him more money or offer to pay his lodging? That is something you may consider including in the email if so.

Surprisingly, the subject of money has not come up. Like, at all. I've assumed we would be, and I'll absolutely offer to cover any lodging or whatever he needs. I don't expect him to stay though. 

"If you do decide to preside over our ceremony, we'll be happy to pay whatever travel costs you have and provide a hotel room for you if you choose"?

hellosweetie1015

lolo883 said:

I think it's short enough, but maybe a little waffle-y at the beginning. Aren't you for sure going to move it? I'd just make the first paragraph say:

Due to some changes in circumstances late last week, FI and I have decided to move our ceremony location to a restaurant in (City). We realize that this is 3 hours away and may pose some travel concerns for you. FI and I have discussed it, and we would love for you to continue as our minister for our ceremony if that is at all feasible. As such, I'd love to discuss what we would need to do to allow for that.

It actually depends a little on Pastorman. Right now, we're moving forward as if we are, but we have to make sure we can get an officiant, so we want to email him to feel him out. That way, if he can't do it, we can take a little while to try and hunt down someone else before we decide for-sure-for-sure. I don't THINK we'd have a problem finding someone else, given Bossman's friendship with several judges (and the fact that I think I know a guy who's actually ordained), but I'd like to know before we settle on a decision and start paying for things.

But yeah, I'm a little more waffle-y in the beginning than I actually feel. If we can find someone to marry us, we are moving it. 

KatieinBkln

I think it's short enough, but maybe a little waffle-y at the beginning. Aren't you for sure going to move it? I'd just make the first paragraph say:

Due to some changes in circumstances late last week, FI and I have decided to move our ceremony location to a restaurant in (City). We realize that this is 3 hours away and may pose some travel concerns for you. FI and I have discussed it, and we would love for you to continue as our minister for our ceremony if that is at all feasible. As such, I'd love to discuss what we would need to do to allow for that.

It actually depends a little on Pastorman. Right now, we're moving forward as if we are, but we have to make sure we can get an officiant, so we want to email him to feel him out. That way, if he can't do it, we can take a little while to try and hunt down someone else before we decide for-sure-for-sure. I don't THINK we'd have a problem finding someone else, given Bossman's friendship with several judges (and the fact that I think I know a guy who's actually ordained), but I'd like to know before we settle on a decision and start paying for things.

But yeah, I'm a little more waffle-y in the beginning than I actually feel. If we can find someone to marry us, we are moving it. 

The bolded makes me feel like you'll be perfectly fine. Not sure how the ordination laws work in your state, but is it also a possibility for a friend to get ordained online and marry you?

If I were the pastor I wouldn't love being the hinge on which your decision-making rests. Like, I'd feel a little weird if I said, "Gosh, I really can't do 3 hours away" and then a few weeks later heard back from you guys saying "Oh, couldn't get the new venue to work; we still good?" I don't know. It would make me feel a little second-fiddle, I guess. 

Not that people getting married necessarily have to make the officiant the most important thing! Not at all. But I might check around for available "backup" officiants before writing to your Pastor. That way if you end up getting it locked down, you can say, "Great news, we found a venue we love, but we're not sure if the distance works for you. Does it?" And he'll be able to answer without feeling like his decision holds your whole wedding in the balance.

ETA: you'll have the "backup" officiant in your back pocket regardless, but Pastor needn't know/be bothered with it if he can't make the new venue.

hellosweetie1015

KatieinBkln said:

I think it's short enough, but maybe a little waffle-y at the beginning. Aren't you for sure going to move it? I'd just make the first paragraph say:

Due to some changes in circumstances late last week, FI and I have decided to move our ceremony location to a restaurant in (City). We realize that this is 3 hours away and may pose some travel concerns for you. FI and I have discussed it, and we would love for you to continue as our minister for our ceremony if that is at all feasible. As such, I'd love to discuss what we would need to do to allow for that.

It actually depends a little on Pastorman. Right now, we're moving forward as if we are, but we have to make sure we can get an officiant, so we want to email him to feel him out. That way, if he can't do it, we can take a little while to try and hunt down someone else before we decide for-sure-for-sure. I don't THINK we'd have a problem finding someone else, given Bossman's friendship with several judges (and the fact that I think I know a guy who's actually ordained), but I'd like to know before we settle on a decision and start paying for things.

But yeah, I'm a little more waffle-y in the beginning than I actually feel. If we can find someone to marry us, we are moving it. 

The bolded makes me feel like you'll be perfectly fine. Not sure how the ordination laws work in your state, but is it also a possibility for a friend to get ordained online and marry you?

If I were the pastor I wouldn't love being the hinge on which your decision-making rests. Like, I'd feel a little weird if I said, "Gosh, I really can't do 3 hours away" and then a few weeks later heard back from you guys saying "Oh, couldn't get the new venue to work; we still good?" I don't know. It would make me feel a little second-fiddle, I guess. 

Not that people getting married necessarily have to make the officiant the most important thing! Not at all. But I might check around for available "backup" officiants before writing to your Pastor. That way if you end up getting it locked down, you can say, "Great news, we found a venue we love, but we're not sure if the distance works for you. Does it?" And he'll be able to answer without feeling like his decision holds your whole wedding in the balance.

ETA: you'll have the "backup" officiant in your back pocket regardless, but Pastor needn't know/be bothered with it if he can't make the new venue.

I get what you're saying. I don't want him to feel like he's second-fiddle at all, he's very nice and I'd love for him to be able to do it, but I also don't really want him to feel like he has to say yes or we won't be able to marry, because that's not the case.

I really think I'm not going back to the original plan if he can't. So there's that. 

The "think I know a guy" is ordained online. That's why I'm not certain if he can do it, haha. I'll ask Bossman when he comes in this afternoon whether or not Dudeguy is actually legal in the state of Alabama to marry people, and/or what he thinks the chances are of getting one of his judge friends to officiate, and then once I feel pretty confident that I can work it out if Pastorman says no, I'll send the email. I can think of five current judge friends he has off the top of my head, plus his brother is a former judge, so six, plus I know a former judge myself well enough that I'd be okay offering him money to marry us. So. Seven and a half potential officiants. 

IIIIII probably shouldn't even be worrying about it. Haha.

[Deleted User]

I think it is perfect!

[Deleted User]

This is specific to Alabama from this website... http://www.usmarriagelaws.com/search/united_states/alabama/
Officiants: Any licensed minister of the gospel in regular communion with the Christian church or society of which he is a member may perform marriages. Also, marriages may 

be performed by the pastor of any religious society according to the rules of the religious society. Ministers must provide a certificate of the marriage to the judge of probate within one month after the marriage.

hellosweetie1015

This is specific to Alabama from this website... http://www.usmarriagelaws.com/search/united_states/alabama/
Officiants: Any licensed minister of the gospel in regular communion with the Christian church or society of which he is a member may perform marriages. Also, marriages may 

be performed by the pastor of any religious society according to the rules of the religious society. Ministers must provide a certificate of the marriage to the judge of probate within one month after the marriage.

Yep. Or current/former state or federal judges. I'm not worried about who can do it so much, just whether they'd be willing. And surely between as many as I "have access to" for lack of a better term, someone will be like "Yes. I will marry HelloSweetie to TheDoctor. They are good peeps. They fight off aliens and save the world every week."

Or we could become Mennonites... but I think that would be MUCH more work. 

[Deleted User]

hellosweetie1015 said:

This is specific to Alabama from this website... http://www.usmarriagelaws.com/search/united_states/alabama/
Officiants: Any licensed minister of the gospel in regular communion with the Christian church or society of which he is a member may perform marriages. Also, marriages may 

be performed by the pastor of any religious society according to the rules of the religious society. Ministers must provide a certificate of the marriage to the judge of probate within one month after the marriage.

Yep. Or current/former state or federal judges. I'm not worried about who can do it so much, just whether they'd be willing. And surely between as many as I "have access to" for lack of a better term, someone will be like "Yes. I will marry HelloSweetie to TheDoctor. They are good peeps. They fight off aliens and save the world every week."

Or we could become Mennonites... but I think that would be MUCH more work. 

Teehee

theartistformerlyknownas

hellosweetie1015 said:

KatieinBkln said:

I think it's short enough, but maybe a little waffle-y at the beginning. Aren't you for sure going to move it? I'd just make the first paragraph say:

Due to some changes in circumstances late last week, FI and I have decided to move our ceremony location to a restaurant in (City). We realize that this is 3 hours away and may pose some travel concerns for you. FI and I have discussed it, and we would love for you to continue as our minister for our ceremony if that is at all feasible. As such, I'd love to discuss what we would need to do to allow for that.

It actually depends a little on Pastorman. Right now, we're moving forward as if we are, but we have to make sure we can get an officiant, so we want to email him to feel him out. That way, if he can't do it, we can take a little while to try and hunt down someone else before we decide for-sure-for-sure. I don't THINK we'd have a problem finding someone else, given Bossman's friendship with several judges (and the fact that I think I know a guy who's actually ordained), but I'd like to know before we settle on a decision and start paying for things.

But yeah, I'm a little more waffle-y in the beginning than I actually feel. If we can find someone to marry us, we are moving it. 

The bolded makes me feel like you'll be perfectly fine. Not sure how the ordination laws work in your state, but is it also a possibility for a friend to get ordained online and marry you?

If I were the pastor I wouldn't love being the hinge on which your decision-making rests. Like, I'd feel a little weird if I said, "Gosh, I really can't do 3 hours away" and then a few weeks later heard back from you guys saying "Oh, couldn't get the new venue to work; we still good?" I don't know. It would make me feel a little second-fiddle, I guess. 

Not that people getting married necessarily have to make the officiant the most important thing! Not at all. But I might check around for available "backup" officiants before writing to your Pastor. That way if you end up getting it locked down, you can say, "Great news, we found a venue we love, but we're not sure if the distance works for you. Does it?" And he'll be able to answer without feeling like his decision holds your whole wedding in the balance.

ETA: you'll have the "backup" officiant in your back pocket regardless, but Pastor needn't know/be bothered with it if he can't make the new venue.

I get what you're saying. I don't want him to feel like he's second-fiddle at all, he's very nice and I'd love for him to be able to do it, but I also don't really want him to feel like he has to say yes or we won't be able to marry, because that's not the case.

I really think I'm not going back to the original plan if he can't. So there's that. 

The "think I know a guy" is ordained online. That's why I'm not certain if he can do it, haha. I'll ask Bossman when he comes in this afternoon whether or not Dudeguy is actually legal in the state of Alabama to marry people, and/or what he thinks the chances are of getting one of his judge friends to officiate, and then once I feel pretty confident that I can work it out if Pastorman says no, I'll send the email. I can think of five current judge friends he has off the top of my head, plus his brother is a former judge, so six, plus I know a former judge myself well enough that I'd be okay offering him money to marry us. So. Seven and a half potential officiants. 

IIIIII probably shouldn't even be worrying about it. Haha.

Does it even have to be someone you know? Our rent-a-reverend was literally the easiest part of our wedding. Found him online, thought he was friendly enough and had a nice voice/presence, he let us customize exactly how much religion we wanted in our ceremony (medium amount of God, easy on the Jesus), boom done. I mean, you're not asking people for help burying a body. You're hiring someone to marry you.

hellosweetie1015

lolo883 said:

hellosweetie1015 said:

KatieinBkln said:

I think it's short enough, but maybe a little waffle-y at the beginning. Aren't you for sure going to move it? I'd just make the first paragraph say:

Due to some changes in circumstances late last week, FI and I have decided to move our ceremony location to a restaurant in (City). We realize that this is 3 hours away and may pose some travel concerns for you. FI and I have discussed it, and we would love for you to continue as our minister for our ceremony if that is at all feasible. As such, I'd love to discuss what we would need to do to allow for that.

It actually depends a little on Pastorman. Right now, we're moving forward as if we are, but we have to make sure we can get an officiant, so we want to email him to feel him out. That way, if he can't do it, we can take a little while to try and hunt down someone else before we decide for-sure-for-sure. I don't THINK we'd have a problem finding someone else, given Bossman's friendship with several judges (and the fact that I think I know a guy who's actually ordained), but I'd like to know before we settle on a decision and start paying for things.

But yeah, I'm a little more waffle-y in the beginning than I actually feel. If we can find someone to marry us, we are moving it. 

The bolded makes me feel like you'll be perfectly fine. Not sure how the ordination laws work in your state, but is it also a possibility for a friend to get ordained online and marry you?

If I were the pastor I wouldn't love being the hinge on which your decision-making rests. Like, I'd feel a little weird if I said, "Gosh, I really can't do 3 hours away" and then a few weeks later heard back from you guys saying "Oh, couldn't get the new venue to work; we still good?" I don't know. It would make me feel a little second-fiddle, I guess. 

Not that people getting married necessarily have to make the officiant the most important thing! Not at all. But I might check around for available "backup" officiants before writing to your Pastor. That way if you end up getting it locked down, you can say, "Great news, we found a venue we love, but we're not sure if the distance works for you. Does it?" And he'll be able to answer without feeling like his decision holds your whole wedding in the balance.

ETA: you'll have the "backup" officiant in your back pocket regardless, but Pastor needn't know/be bothered with it if he can't make the new venue.

I get what you're saying. I don't want him to feel like he's second-fiddle at all, he's very nice and I'd love for him to be able to do it, but I also don't really want him to feel like he has to say yes or we won't be able to marry, because that's not the case.

I really think I'm not going back to the original plan if he can't. So there's that. 

The "think I know a guy" is ordained online. That's why I'm not certain if he can do it, haha. I'll ask Bossman when he comes in this afternoon whether or not Dudeguy is actually legal in the state of Alabama to marry people, and/or what he thinks the chances are of getting one of his judge friends to officiate, and then once I feel pretty confident that I can work it out if Pastorman says no, I'll send the email. I can think of five current judge friends he has off the top of my head, plus his brother is a former judge, so six, plus I know a former judge myself well enough that I'd be okay offering him money to marry us. So. Seven and a half potential officiants. 

IIIIII probably shouldn't even be worrying about it. Haha.

Does it even have to be someone you know? Our rent-a-reverend was literally the easiest part of our wedding. Found him online, thought he was friendly enough and had a nice voice/presence, he let us customize exactly how much religion we wanted in our ceremony (medium amount of God, easy on the Jesus), boom done. I mean, you're not asking people for help burying a body. You're hiring someone to marry you.

Yes, but not because I want the person to know me so much as the fact that I don't know of a rent-a-reverend in this county or any of the counties immediately surrounding, and neither does TK or WeddingWire. All the closest ones are in the nearest big city 1.5 hours away.

ETA: I say this because I would feel weird going in a church I don't attend at all ever and saying, "Hey, will you marry us even though we don't know you from Adam's housecat?"

theartistformerlyknownas

hellosweetie1015 said:

lolo883 said:

hellosweetie1015 said:

KatieinBkln said:

I think it's short enough, but maybe a little waffle-y at the beginning. Aren't you for sure going to move it? I'd just make the first paragraph say:

Due to some changes in circumstances late last week, FI and I have decided to move our ceremony location to a restaurant in (City). We realize that this is 3 hours away and may pose some travel concerns for you. FI and I have discussed it, and we would love for you to continue as our minister for our ceremony if that is at all feasible. As such, I'd love to discuss what we would need to do to allow for that.

It actually depends a little on Pastorman. Right now, we're moving forward as if we are, but we have to make sure we can get an officiant, so we want to email him to feel him out. That way, if he can't do it, we can take a little while to try and hunt down someone else before we decide for-sure-for-sure. I don't THINK we'd have a problem finding someone else, given Bossman's friendship with several judges (and the fact that I think I know a guy who's actually ordained), but I'd like to know before we settle on a decision and start paying for things.

But yeah, I'm a little more waffle-y in the beginning than I actually feel. If we can find someone to marry us, we are moving it. 

The bolded makes me feel like you'll be perfectly fine. Not sure how the ordination laws work in your state, but is it also a possibility for a friend to get ordained online and marry you?

If I were the pastor I wouldn't love being the hinge on which your decision-making rests. Like, I'd feel a little weird if I said, "Gosh, I really can't do 3 hours away" and then a few weeks later heard back from you guys saying "Oh, couldn't get the new venue to work; we still good?" I don't know. It would make me feel a little second-fiddle, I guess. 

Not that people getting married necessarily have to make the officiant the most important thing! Not at all. But I might check around for available "backup" officiants before writing to your Pastor. That way if you end up getting it locked down, you can say, "Great news, we found a venue we love, but we're not sure if the distance works for you. Does it?" And he'll be able to answer without feeling like his decision holds your whole wedding in the balance.

ETA: you'll have the "backup" officiant in your back pocket regardless, but Pastor needn't know/be bothered with it if he can't make the new venue.

I get what you're saying. I don't want him to feel like he's second-fiddle at all, he's very nice and I'd love for him to be able to do it, but I also don't really want him to feel like he has to say yes or we won't be able to marry, because that's not the case.

I really think I'm not going back to the original plan if he can't. So there's that. 

The "think I know a guy" is ordained online. That's why I'm not certain if he can do it, haha. I'll ask Bossman when he comes in this afternoon whether or not Dudeguy is actually legal in the state of Alabama to marry people, and/or what he thinks the chances are of getting one of his judge friends to officiate, and then once I feel pretty confident that I can work it out if Pastorman says no, I'll send the email. I can think of five current judge friends he has off the top of my head, plus his brother is a former judge, so six, plus I know a former judge myself well enough that I'd be okay offering him money to marry us. So. Seven and a half potential officiants. 

IIIIII probably shouldn't even be worrying about it. Haha.

Does it even have to be someone you know? Our rent-a-reverend was literally the easiest part of our wedding. Found him online, thought he was friendly enough and had a nice voice/presence, he let us customize exactly how much religion we wanted in our ceremony (medium amount of God, easy on the Jesus), boom done. I mean, you're not asking people for help burying a body. You're hiring someone to marry you.

Yes, but not because I want the person to know me so much as the fact that I don't know of a rent-a-reverend in this county or any of the counties immediately surrounding, and neither does TK or WeddingWire. All the closest ones are in the nearest big city 1.5 hours away.

ETA: I say this because I would feel weird going in a church I don't attend at all ever and saying, "Hey, will you marry us even though we don't know you from Adam's housecat?"

Ahh ok. Although 1.5 hours away is closer than 3 hours. (Unless that makes it 4.5 hours) Mine traveled about 45 minutes.

STARMOON44

>Last Friday, FI's boss offered us the use of one of his restaurants without a rental fee for our wedding reception.

Delete- he doesn't need to know about your finances.

We are considering taking him up on it.


Replace with : We've decided to move our wedding to xyz location.

However, it does pose the problem of being three hours from where you are. FI and I have discussed it, and we would love for you to continue as our minister for our ceremony if that is at all feasible.
As such, I'd love to discuss what we would need to do to allow for that.

This is all unnecessarily wordy.
Replace with:
I know this is about three hours travel for you and I'm not sure if that's too far for you to go.

If you feel like the travel commitment is not something you can do, I'd also like to discuss the possibility of FI and I continuing to work with you prior to our marriage. We want to enter our union as prepared as we can be for what God may have in store for us, and we think working with you will help us do that.

This just seems like you're sucking up.

How about: of course either way, we would like to continue our marriage prep with you since you know us so well.

span>

I look forward to your response.

This feels pushy and business like. I'd just cut the line entirely.

Thanks so much,

HelloSweetie

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