• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Moms and Maids

Mommy dearest..

Small vent about the delightful creature that is my mother. I've posted about her before, but for reference, she's bipolar/NPD, so just about as kind and thoughtful as you'd expect.

My grandmother passed away a few years ago. She and I were very close, but she wasn't close with my mother, so after she passed mom basically declared war on her memory. Growing up, I'd always hoped to get married at her house (gorgeous old estate filled with gardens), but after she passed my mother sold it to the first bidder, knowing they planned to tear it down. Which was very sad, but not my decision to make.

I'd also hoped that I might be able to wear her ring. I knew it was unlikely, as she had 4 daughters, but I still loved the idea of it - as a little girl she'd always let me try it on, and she'd tell me about everything I'd get to do when I was older (travel, have adventures, find love).

Anyway, FI and I went to dinner with my mom last week, which was actually the first time we'd seen her since getting engaged (she spends much of the year in another part of the country, and I try to limit visits whenever possible). She asked to see my ring, and the first words out of her mouth were "oh it's too bad that I sold your grandmothers ring a few months ago!"

Which, ugh. I LOVE my ring. I am so happy to wear it for the rest of my life, both as a symbol of the commitment we've made, and also as an awesome piece of jewelry. But, come on, mom.

You'll be glad to know that I didn't react. I just said Too bad, and moved on. But it hurts, which is just what my mother intended.

Re: Mommy dearest..

  • I'm so sorry, bizzy.

    Did you grandma give anything directly to you? Anything that could be your something old (if you're doing the old, blue, borrowed, new thing)? Even if it's something really small, you could carry it on your bouquet.

    Or you could carry a photo of her in a locket or a quote from a book she read to you either that you wear or attach to your bouquet. Or if there's something she always used to say to you, write it out and keep it with you on your wedding day.

    Those are all subtle things that your mom doesn't need to know about. It sounds like if she does know about it, she'll try to sling mud at it in some way. Don't tell her.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    OliveOilsMom
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If you have not selected your venue yet, perhaps you could find one that features some garden space. If you plan on taking engagement photos, perhaps you could take them in front of some garden area. Did your grandmother feature any particular flower(s) in her garden? You could incorporate them into your bouquets or centerpeices.

    I agree with @southernbelle0915 and would keep your homage to your grandmother subtle.
    CMGragainOliveOilsMom
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I'm sorry, that is just awful.

    The plus side is that you know your mom and know how she will be towards your grandmother.  So you know how to react when she says terrible things.  Keeping any signs of your grandmother subtle is very wise advice.

    If your aunt's are not like your mom in how they think of your grandmother, maybe see if they have anything of your grandmother's that you could borrow for your wedding.

  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Poppies are so gorgeous and it seems like a lovely little secret between you and your grandmother!!!

    Please do poppies!!!
    image
    image
    image
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

    onefootinthebayousouthernbelle0915momofbride530bizzy592
  • Poppies are definitely so beautiful. Definitely do it, it's a lovely tribute.  I am trying to figure out how to incorporate tiger lilies and lily of the valley into my wedding to honour my late grandmother. Tiger lilies are so out of my colour scheme it's not even funny and lily of the valley is hard to find in October. 
  • edited May 2015

    Poppies are definitely so beautiful. Definitely do it, it's a lovely tribute.  I am trying to figure out how to incorporate tiger lilies and lily of the valley into my wedding to honour my late grandmother. Tiger lilies are so out of my colour scheme it's not even funny and lily of the valley is hard to find in October. 

    Try this. It smells amazingly like Lilly of the Valley, which you will most certainly have trouble sourcing in Oct.

    http://m.saks.com/pd.jsp?PRODUCT<>prd_id=845524444054429&amp;productCode=0467434558643/
    *edited b/c my Sak's link didn't work".  Anyway, the perfume is called "Diorissimo" by Dior.  Smells exactly like Lilly of the Valley. 

     OP, I love the idea of the poppies & @larrygaga has some gorgeous examples. That ring! *swoon*.

    I'm so sorry that your mother's disorder causes her to constantly target and hurt you. It sounds as though you are as swift and deft at deflecting her attacks as she is at handing them out and that your measured and controlled reaction to her behavior is the best (only) way to handle it.

    My mother's father told her on his deathbed (after she cared for him during his illness) that she was his greatest disappointment. My mom is an impressive woman in so many ways and she diligently brought us to visit him when we were little, despite his constant verbal abuse. He was actually banned from our house by my father. His comment to her on his way out was only meant to hurt her but by that time his words were nothing more than the pathetic, desperate, and empty rantings of a person so unhappy he was unable to see the good in anyone, let alone his own children. My father has helped my mother heal from those years of mistreatment and during their 47 years together, he has helped make her strong (and she has mellowed him out!). I hope that you will have the same type of marriage and that your future husband's love makes up for that which your mother withheld.

    When is your wedding?
    momofbride530

  • My father has helped my mother heal from those years of mistreatment and during their 47 years together, he has helped make her strong (and she has mellowed him out!). I hope that you will have the same type of marriage and that your future husband's love makes up for that which your mother withheld.

    When is your wedding?
    I feel so lucky to have found FI - I couldn't imagine anyone being a better fit. He is incredibly responsible, reliable, consistent and thoughtful - all of which reinforce my sense of self. The thing about having a parent who systematically denies love/approval/affection is that it seems to delay self-identity from being cemented. Being with him, I am stronger in who I am.

    And we're getting married next June!
    onefootinthebayoumomofbride530
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards