Angry Ex Sister In Law

[Deleted User]

My wedding is 3 weeks away and I was just informed by my nephew that he nor his sister are allowed to come to my wedding. My brother is non confrontational and doesn't want to upset the children so he chooses not to fight her on it (the kids are 16 and 21 by the way) It appears that the children are caught in the middle of their feuding.I do not have the best relationship with her but I almost feel like I should reach out to her in the hopes that she would reconsider her decision. Your thoughts?

aliciag2015

well I think the 21 year old is old enough to decide for themselves whether or not they are attending, but I think you should call on behalf of the 16 year old. They are your family, this is your wedding and you'd love them to be a part of it. Your brother and his ex's feud should have nothing to do with it.. Unfortunately some women are bitter like that, but I'd probably give the phone call a shot.
Good luck!

OliveOilsMom

srednas15 said:

My wedding is 3 weeks away and I was just informed by my nephew that he nor his sister are allowed to come to my wedding. My brother is non confrontational and doesn't want to upset the children so he chooses not to fight her on it (the kids are 16 and 21 by the way) It appears that the children are caught in the middle of their feuding.I do not have the best relationship with her but I almost feel like I should reach out to her in the hopes that she would reconsider her decision. Your thoughts?

I would stay far away from this.  It would be like you inserting yourself in between your brother and his ex.  I don't think this will ever be seen as going to bat for the kids.  And the 21 year old can decide for themselves if they want to attend.  They are an adult.

As for the 16 year old, is there a custody order in place?  Does your wedding fall within the time frame of the 16 year old being in his dad's custody?  If so, then ex can't say or do anything about the wedding because its under dad's time.  But if your wedding falls under mom's time, she can control what they do.

Your brother may be non-confrontational, but if I were him, I'd get pissed if my sibling tried to get in the middle of this issue.  I'm sorry that your niece or nephew cannot attend your wedding, but this is not your business.

[Deleted User]

I think both children have been put in a position by their parents where they feel like they have to choose a side. There is a custody order in place but if the ex SIL knows there's a family event taking place she makes every effort to keep the children from it. It's really sad. The wedding does fall under my brother's time frame.

AddieCake

It's not the fiance's ex. It's his sister.

MobKaz

srednas15 said:

I think both children have been put in a position by their parents where they feel like they have to choose a side. There is a custody order in place but if the ex SIL knows there's a family event taking place she makes every effort to keep the children from it. It's really sad. The wedding does fall under my brother's time frame.

These are not children. One is an adult that should be able to make independent decisions. The 16 year old "falls in the cracks". Honestly, I think this has more to do with your brother's lack of a backbone. If it is his weekend of custody (does that even apply to a 21 year old?), then you should speak to him as opposed to your former SIL. If he won't "go to bat", then I don't know why you think your SIL would have any empathy on your wedding day.

Are your niece and nephew aware of your wedding date? Does the 21 year old have his own transportation?

MairePoppy

You should send your niece and nephew wedding invitations and leave it alone. It 's up to your brother to decide if it's appropriate to follow up with the ex. You should keep in touch with the 'kids' so they know you care and consider them to be part of your family. 

AddieCake

Whoops. Wrong thread.

LondonLisa

You absolutely should not call this mother. What are you going to say "Your kids say you won't let them come."- how do you think that is going to end?? That is going to only make things 10x worse. Unfortunately, some parents are extremely emotionally manipulative when it comes to divorce. If I were in your shoes, I would just say that you will miss them, and hope to see them soon. Then keep inviting them to things, and let them know the lines of communication are open.

Yes, 21 is an adult and should be strong enough to do whatever they want, but I think it is really hard to deal with emotionally manipulative parents. They will realise what they missed out on, but they have to come to that on their own. One day (maybe not anytime soon) these young adults will think: "Wow, mum is so nasty about Aunt so-and-so, meanwhile, Aunt so-and-so has never said a bad word about mum and continues to invite me to functions/sends me cards on my birthday/ calls to say hello. "

Remember: this woman wants a battle, don't give it to her.