Can you ask why a family member declines?

jennydazzle87

I have a pretty small family, with only one first cousin—and I just got his rsvp. "Sorry I can't make it!" I sent a quick text to him and his mom (my aunt, who is coming)—"Just got your decline, bummer you can't make it!"—hoping for slightly more of an explanation. I received the same, "Sorry I can't be there!" response—the same vague wording I use when I take a less-than-truthful sick day from work. To make matters a little more interesting, my fiancé has 35 cousins—all whom were invited, and will attend. And all of my step-"first cousins" are attending. I feel pretty slighted...as he also received a save the date card more then 9 months ago and I heard nothing. I realize and understand he can't make it, but is it wrong to ask for even just a little more explanation? Can I state that it feels like a pretty dick move?

RezIpsa

It is absolutely not ok to ask why your cousin declined.

An invitation is not a subpoena. No one is obligated to come to anything they are invited to, nor are they required to proffer a reason for declining that someone else deems "acceptable".

Guard against the attitude that you are entitled to anything because you are getting married. It leads to Bridezilla behavior.

jennydazzle87

Thanks for this. It was helpful to hear an outside opinion. I didn't feel entitled to a get reason because I'm getting married, but because it was a family member. I've received plenty of other declines, but think maybe this decline just hurt more since it's a close family member, which there aren't many of. Plus the other decliners had said they'd be out of town or won't be able to travel, which made sense to me. But I'll just suck this up and think of it as one less mouth to feed.

Jen4948

No, you can't ask. It's a bummer when people you hope will accept decline, but the reason is their business alone.

Your wedding won't be as important to anyone as it is to you and your FI, and your invitation is not a subpoena. All you can do is let it go.

southernbelle0915

Yea......no.

Because the whole reason you're asking is to judge whether it's a "good enough" excuse. So what if it's not (in your mind)? Are you going to hold a grudge forever?

If you had to decline for whatever reason (maybe super personal) wouldn't you feel put on the spot being questioned? Don't do that to someone else - family or not.

MyNameIsNot

No, you don't get to ask. If he wanted you to know, he would have told you.  It's none of your business. 

CMGragain

No.  Don't ask.

AddieCake

Maybe he is a super villain planning an attack on Gotham that weekend.

redoryx

jennydazzle87 said:

I have a pretty small family, with only one first cousin—and I just got his rsvp. "Sorry I can't make it!" I sent a quick text to him and his mom (my aunt, who is coming)—"Just got your decline, bummer you can't make it!"—hoping for slightly more of an explanation. I received the same, "Sorry I can't be there!" response—the same vague wording I use when I take a less-than-truthful sick day from work. To make matters a little more interesting, my fiancé has 35 cousins—all whom were invited, and will attend. And all of my step-"first cousins" are attending. I feel pretty slighted...as he also received a save the date card more then 9 months ago and I heard nothing. I realize and understand he can't make it, but is it wrong to ask for even just a little more explanation? Can I state that it feels like a pretty dick move?

STDs don't really require a response. All you're telling them is to, y'know, save the date. He's not obligated to attend the wedding just because you asked him to save the date and he's not required to provide a reason for his decline.

jennydazzle87

Thanks, everyone. You've all answered my question and I'm taking all the advice! I wish there was a way to delete the discussion now that I've gotten an answer.... Lying awake at 4 in the morning, I think I mostly needed a place to vent. And I appreciate the input!

AddieCake

jennydazzle87 said:

Thanks, everyone. You've all answered my question and I'm taking all the advice! I wish there was a way to delete the discussion now that I've gotten an answer.... Lying awake at 4 in the morning, I think I mostly needed a place to vent. And I appreciate the input!

There's no reason to delete the discussion. Other people lurking now or in the future might have the same question.