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'missing out' on being a bridesmaid?

Whiny post about nothing, proceed with caution.

This is kind of stupid and lame, but... I am invited to a friend's wedding, lets call her A. Couple years ago, A , myself and a third friend, K, used to be very close - the three of us hung out all the time, and I felt like they were some of my closest friends here (this was when I was still fairly new in this country, and newly single after a bad breakup). 
Fast forward a few years to today... I have definitely been sensing that we have somewhat grown apart - I know, this happens, and thats OK. But I guess it hurts a bit that the two of them are actually as close as ever, in fact I just heard that K is A's bridesmaid. I mean, I didn't expect to be one... It just hurts a little I guess. Neither of them are my bridesmaids. I don't know what I'm actually asking here. I guess I feel a bit like the girl Monica and Phoebe "cut out" in Friends, if anyone remembers, and wondering if I have done anything wrong. 
It got me thinking though - I'm not sure if I ever will be anyone's bridesmaid. My one best friend is getting married this fall and she is not having a bridal party. My other best friend is in Europe and its not really a tradition there...and FI's sisters may or may not want me to be one (which would be totally fine if not, they are mine but I know its not tit-for-tat). Other close friends are already married (got married young, before I met them; or, again did not have a bridal party because back home it is not a custom). To me, it is such a beautiful tradition (thats why I am including it in my own wedding), I wish I could have been there for one of my friends in this way... 

Ok I think I'm done whining now. Please tell me that I'm being ridiculous. 
- The stars, like dust, encircle me in living mists of light. And all of space I seem to see in one vast burst of sight. 

Re: 'missing out' on being a bridesmaid?

  • I've never been a bridesmaid, and frankly, it sounds a bit nightmarish based on experiences I've read about on these boards.  Maybe it's because I'm "old" (33 in a few weeks, so probably older than many here), but I'm perfectly happy to have my "wedding obligations" to be limited to buying them a nice gift, and being a good guest.  Way cheaper too.  

    So yeah,  you're being a bit ridiculous.  Just enjoy celebrating these weddings with your friends on the actual day, and be glad you don't have the stress and expense of being part of the bridal party.
    Married 9.12.15
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    huskypuppy14mj8215twoleighs
  • I'm sorry you are sad, but just remember a bridesmaid is still a guest at a wedding, except that guest had to buy a certain dress that she may never wear again.  Yes, it can be fun (assuming your bride friends are not crazy bridezilla's) but I've had just as much fun at weddings where I was just a guest as I did as a bridesmaid.  Even if you are never a bridesmaid, you can still get to be there for your friend(s) when they get married, and can still participate in showers and bachelorette parties (if they have one of course-- heck, you can even host one if you would like!)  It sucks when you see friendships drift a part, but that happens unfortunately.  I do know how you feel though, and it can sting. But we cannot dwell on the past we can only live in the present and be appreciative of the friendships and relationships that are a part of your life now.  Be excited that you are invited to the wedding-- that does mean a lot and says a lot about the friendship.
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    Anniversary
    mj8215
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2015
    mj8215 said:

    Whiny post about nothing, proceed with caution.

    This is kind of stupid and lame, but... I am invited to a friend's wedding, lets call her A. Couple years ago, A , myself and a third friend, K, used to be very close - the three of us hung out all the time, and I felt like they were some of my closest friends here (this was when I was still fairly new in this country, and newly single after a bad breakup). 
    Fast forward a few years to today... I have definitely been sensing that we have somewhat grown apart - I know, this happens, and thats OK. But I guess it hurts a bit that the two of them are actually as close as ever, in fact I just heard that K is A's bridesmaid. I mean, I didn't expect to be one... It just hurts a little I guess. Neither of them are my bridesmaids. I don't know what I'm actually asking here. I guess I feel a bit like the girl Monica and Phoebe "cut out" in Friends, if anyone remembers, and wondering if I have done anything wrong. 
    It got me thinking though - I'm not sure if I ever will be anyone's bridesmaid. My one best friend is getting married this fall and she is not having a bridal party. My other best friend is in Europe and its not really a tradition there...and FI's sisters may or may not want me to be one (which would be totally fine if not, they are mine but I know its not tit-for-tat). Other close friends are already married (got married young, before I met them; or, again did not have a bridal party because back home it is not a custom). To me, it is such a beautiful tradition (thats why I am including it in my own wedding), I wish I could have been there for one of my friends in this way... 

    Ok I think I'm done whining now. Please tell me that I'm being ridiculous. 
    You're being ridiculous. I was MOH in my sister's wedding a few years ago, and I"m in my other sister's wedding in July. I'd be cool if I'm never a bridesmaid again.

     Of course I love being there for my sister, but you have to buy a dress you don't really have a say in, you attend all these parties (I know you don't have to, but I'm not going to miss my sister's shower/bachelorette party), possibly plan the shower or bachelorette, and take time out of your life to do all these things. 

    When I was MOH for my sister, I was dating my now husband, but we didn't live together. I had plenty of time to plan everything, go away for the weekend for the bachelortte or shower or whatever. 

    Now that I'm married and have a house and a dog, leaving that for a bachelorette weekend takes more planning. I feel bad thinking this way, because my sister did a lot of things for me and my other sister when we were married, so it is her turn. And of course I'm happy for her, but it's not quite as exciting I guess.

    ETA: Like julieanne, I'll be 33 this year, so it could be an age thing too.
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    mj8215
  • BlergbotBlergbot An enchanted land member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    Sure you're being a little bit ridiculous, but I get where you're coming from. I always thought my best friend from high school and I would be in each others weddings. We grew apart (mostly on her side), and we didn't even attend each others weddings, let alone stay in contact. That will always hurt.

    I was a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding when I was 18. I'm now 33 and have yet to be a braidsmaid again. I had two bridesmaids. One I became friends with right before her wedding. I was a guest and her best friend was her only BM. The other is 26, and has said that she would probably have no BMs, if and when she gets married, because she has too many girlfriends. Her best friend is a guy, and she would probably ask him to stand up with her. 

    My best friends are my mom and my H. One has sworn of marriage for good, and the other I am married to. 

    Anyway, yes, it is an honor, but it can also be a hassle. But I get it. Be sad and then move on.
    mj8215
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Honestly, if I could never be a bridesmaid again, I would be so happy.  

    Be sad for a day and then move on.  I promise you're not missing much.  


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    mj8215
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I can understand. My best friend who was my MOH is Indian and when she gets married, she's having a traditional Indian wedding. That means no bridal party. I'm sad I won't be able to stand up with her but I'll still get to be there.

    I've been a bridesmaid a few times. Honestly, each time pretty much sucked. Bad dresses, forced shoes, showers and other parties. It's not all it's cracked up to be. One time I had to wear a heavy dress and GLOVES on a 90 degree day. Another time I had to wear a thin strapless dress and take pictures outside in February (windchill that day was about 20 degrees). For my cousin's wedding, I had a waxing incident where I lost part of my eyebrow. That one is not really WR but it's funny. Anyway, I think you get my drift.

    mj8215
  • mj8215mj8215 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Thanks for giving me some perspective, ladies! (or if you prefer, women of the knot! :)
    Feeling much better about it today. 
    - The stars, like dust, encircle me in living mists of light. And all of space I seem to see in one vast burst of sight. 
    drunkenwitch
  • edited May 2015
    Being a BM isn't all that fun to me; even if the bride isn't a zilla. I truly had never built it up in my mind - seriously thought I'd never even be asked, so why build it up- and even without the build-up it was very anticlimactic when the time finally came. Frankly it was one of the worst weddings I went to. I knew no one but the bride and my boyfriend at the time lived in another state and didn't come.

    It seems you're more upset that the friendships have drifted. Try to reconnect, wedding aside. I had 3 good friends in HS; have tried a few times to reach out to them and it hasn't gone anywhere. A few emails here and there. Still glad I tried.
    drunkenwitchmj8215
  • I don't think you're being ridiculous at all! It's fine to be a little sad about missing out on an experience. And responding with "well I've done it and it sucks" is kinda mean? Like when someone says being single is hard responding with "well try being married it's awful too there so much snoring" it's like ok? But not at all the point?

    If you were pitching a fit or demanding to be included, yeah that's ridiculous. But just a little bit of sads? Totally fine.
  • edited June 2015
    .
    I'm out.
    mj8215
  • julieanne912julieanne912 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited May 2015

    I don't think you're being ridiculous at all! It's fine to be a little sad about missing out on an experience. And responding with "well I've done it and it sucks" is kinda mean? Like when someone says being single is hard responding with "well try being married it's awful too there so much snoring" it's like ok? But not at all the point?

    If you were pitching a fit or demanding to be included, yeah that's ridiculous. But just a little bit of sads? Totally fine.

    What? It's mean to give someone perspective that they're not really missing out? You know what? No, just no to that.

    Fuck if someone is going to say I'm being mean by being honest about my experience.
    Uh yeah, especially when OP asked for opinions and asked us to "tell her if she's being ridiculous".  All we can do is form our own opinions on our own experiences (or lack thereof) and give our honest thoughts.  If that's now considered mean, well then, I'm a big ol' meanie face.  
    Married 9.12.15
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    mj8215climbingwifehuskypuppy14
  • I have been a bridesmaid many times. It's expensive, stressful and thankless. It's many many things except one, fun. Never, not once, has it been fun.

  • justsiejustsie member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I have only been a bridesmaid once, for my cousin. I 100% believe I was only asked to make sides even, but it didn't really bother me because all I had to do was show up on the day of and wear the dress (I was too young to pay for it myself at the time, so I don't know if a budget was discussed or anything). It wasn't stressful for me, but that's because my cousin didn't set these awful expectations that some people do. 

    Now that I am getting married, the woman I hope to ask to be my MOH has already decided her and her future FI will elope or have a parents only ceremony. Sure, I'll cross my fingers that things change and I'll get to see her get married, but at the same time if not I'll value the friendship we have over everything else. 
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  • FiancBFiancB MinnesOOOta member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I admit I felt a teeny bit hurt that I wasn't a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding, but I understood. We didn't see a whole lot of each other any more (I live in MN, she lives in OR) and have some pretty different views on what makes a great wedding. I had fun going as a guest without any responsibilities. I wouldn't say she's a bridezilla, but she definitely did expect her BP to set up and clean up the wedding, and seemed a bit taken aback when I didn't expect the same when she was one of my BMs. 

    I was only a BM in my sister's wedding when I was 13 so it barely counts. I hope my other really good friend has me for a BM when she gets married, but again I understand and will still have fun if she doesn't. 

    Meanwhile DH has been a GM um at least 5 times. Glad most of his friends are married now! That was getting old. 
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    mj8215
  • drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2015

    I don't think you're being ridiculous at all! It's fine to be a little sad about missing out on an experience. And responding with "well I've done it and it sucks" is kinda mean? Like when someone says being single is hard responding with "well try being married it's awful too there so much snoring" it's like ok? But not at all the point?

    If you were pitching a fit or demanding to be included, yeah that's ridiculous. But just a little bit of sads? Totally fine.

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  • mj8215mj8215 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper

    I don't think you're being ridiculous at all! It's fine to be a little sad about missing out on an experience. And responding with "well I've done it and it sucks" is kinda mean? Like when someone says being single is hard responding with "well try being married it's awful too there so much snoring" it's like ok? But not at all the point?

    If you were pitching a fit or demanding to be included, yeah that's ridiculous. But just a little bit of sads? Totally fine.

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    UMMM, YEAH. Just to clarify - *I* think I was being a bit ridiculous... Thats why I posted in the first place, to get some perspective, which everyone above gave me and I am grateful for. 

    I have seen occasional instances on this forum where people have responded somewhat harshly, sure... THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE INSTANCES. 

    OK, carry on everyone. Thanks again.  
    - The stars, like dust, encircle me in living mists of light. And all of space I seem to see in one vast burst of sight. 
    climbingwifelurkergirljulieanne912huskypuppy14
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