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feeling guilty about maybe having to fire MOH

I may have to fire my Man of Honor/give him an out. I feel bad because he says he really wants to go to my wedding, but it may be the best thing. We've been friends for ten years and have both gone through a lot--we're both the only people who have known each other at some of the worst times in our lives. In the early part of the friendship we were both in really bad places and my friend gave me emotional support when I needed it. When I started to get better and more functional I continued helping him out, driving him across town to go to important doctor's appointments, trying to make him laugh when he was sad. But often when I needed his help, he would have some huge dramatic and unsolvable problem that was clearly--it was implied--more important than mine, or if he did help he would complain about how horrible it was for years, how many cigarettes he had to smoke just to get by, etc. Then when he started to get his life together and go back to school he cut off everyone from his old unemployed days--it was a little hurtful but I understood that his life was changing for the better and that people move on so I didn't say anything. And he always apologized when we spoke again, and I always assured him that he was still a good friend and it was nice to hear from him. 

A year or two later I got engaged, and one of the first things I do is invite my friend to be my Man of Honor. And he was super excited to say yes. But then, well, things kind of started to fall apart. He never really participated in the planning of the wedding--which was fine, as I had lots of other support from family and friends, and I recognized that his life had difficulties. And then when he did participate he complained about the tediousness of the meeting and wrote a rude email to my bridesmaids implying they weren't helping enough. None of them responded, and he seemed clueless as to why. Then, three months before my wedding he told me that his internship required him to be in another town for the day of the wedding. I became very upset because I had really wanted him there and he said he would talk to his manager to try to take those days off. 

I waited weeks. Nothing happened. Finally he told me that no one would talk to him until June 2nd, a month before our wedding. I talked to my mom about this and she said, "Does that sound right to you?" To be frank, it didn't: I'd never heard of a boss refusing to talk to employees for months, not without delegating those responsibilities to someone else. Worse, the plane tickets his friend bought him require him to be in town for such a short period that he'll have to leave immediately after the ceremony--which will require that another guest leave the reception in order to take him to the bus station.

I'm starting to come to the conclusion that maybe my friend doesn't want to come to the wedding, or that it's just a big hassle for him, and that it's not as important as other things he has going on. Whenever I try to talk to him about it he tells me instead about all his problems--his boyfriend/ex-boyfriend, his poverty (I, my family, and other friends are bending over backwards to assist him financially for the wedding) all the people in his life who he thinks are bitches. Just once I would like to have a conversation about me and my wedding, but when I try to talk to him about it I always feel guilty because as soon as I begin he starts talking about how horrible his life is and how insurmountable his problems are.

Frankly, at this point I would like to suggest that maybe he attend his internship commitment and not worry about the wedding, and that sometime next year my husband and I will visit him in his town and we could have our own mini-celebration. I'm afraid that that will make him feel like a giant loser, though.  I have a friend who would happily step up to be an extra bridesmaid and a current bridesmaid who would be happy to be Maid of Honor. Both are tremendous fun to be around and loyal friends--which is all I really want from my bridesmaids. I had wanted my Man of Honor in part to help keep my family in line/deal with their drama because he's the only one who knows them and the individual ways they tend to get drunk and crazy. But I'm getting to the point where the stress he is causing is just not worth having him around. I feel bad because a lot of his problems really are beyond his control. But then he's been saying that for a decade. And this is my only wedding.

I guess my questions are:
1.) Is my plan to ask him to keep his internship commitment and to talk about possibly visiting him next year good etiquette? If so how should I broach it? How do I talk about this without hurting his feelings?
2.) Am I obligated to wait until a month before the wedding to make plans? Should I just put up with it and not say anything? Is there a way of getting a commitment without being a bridezilla? 
3.) Is it wrong to add another bridesmaid to the party? We discussed the option awhile ago and my current Man of Honor is aware of the situation and okay with it; if my current Man of Honor would make a decision then the new bridesmaid/bridesman wouldn't have to be added on at the last minute. We're paying for everything for our wedding party except for transportation, and since my possible bridesman plans to room with a lot of my other friends, it would be really convenient for them all if he got "promoted," ha. I'm not just adding him on for "symmetry" but because he's really easy-going and jolly and I genuinely think would make a good addition to the crew and help diffuse tension--in fact I'm wondering why I didn't invite him before. He was pleased as punch to be asked, especially when I mentioned "free hotel room."

Any other thoughts? Again I don't want to hurt anyone or be a bridezilla, but it's just really hard on me--and now a couple other people as well--if I don't get a commitment.
Argh, sorry for the long post. I'm sure it was very tedious to read, but it's really been bugging me.

Re: feeling guilty about maybe having to fire MOH

  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    bookholm said:

    I may have to fire my Man of Honor/give him an out. I feel bad because he says he really wants to go to my wedding, but it may be the best thing. We've been friends for ten years and have both gone through a lot--we're both the only people who have known each other at some of the worst times in our lives. In the early part of the friendship we were both in really bad places and my friend gave me emotional support when I needed it. When I started to get better and more functional I continued helping him out, driving him across town to go to important doctor's appointments, trying to make him laugh when he was sad. But often when I needed his help, he would have some huge dramatic and unsolvable problem that was clearly--it was implied--more important than mine, or if he did help he would complain about how horrible it was for years, how many cigarettes he had to smoke just to get by, etc. Then when he started to get his life together and go back to school he cut off everyone from his old unemployed days--it was a little hurtful but I understood that his life was changing for the better and that people move on so I didn't say anything. And he always apologized when we spoke again, and I always assured him that he was still a good friend and it was nice to hear from him. 


    A year or two later I got engaged, and one of the first things I do is invite my friend to be my Man of Honor. And he was super excited to say yes. But then, well, things kind of started to fall apart. He never really participated in the planning of the wedding--which was fine, as I had lots of other support from family and friends, and I recognized that his life had difficulties. And then when he did participate he complained about the tediousness of the meeting and wrote a rude email to my bridesmaids implying they weren't helping enough. None of them responded, and he seemed clueless as to why. Then, three months before my wedding he told me that his internship required him to be in another town for the day of the wedding. I became very upset because I had really wanted him there and he said he would talk to his manager to try to take those days off. 

    I waited weeks. Nothing happened. Finally he told me that no one would talk to him until June 2nd, a month before our wedding. I talked to my mom about this and she said, "Does that sound right to you?" To be frank, it didn't: I'd never heard of a boss refusing to talk to employees for months, not without delegating those responsibilities to someone else. Worse, the plane tickets his friend bought him require him to be in town for such a short period that he'll have to leave immediately after the ceremony--which will require that another guest leave the reception in order to take him to the bus station.

    I'm starting to come to the conclusion that maybe my friend doesn't want to come to the wedding, or that it's just a big hassle for him, and that it's not as important as other things he has going on. Whenever I try to talk to him about it he tells me instead about all his problems--his boyfriend/ex-boyfriend, his poverty (I, my family, and other friends are bending over backwards to assist him financially for the wedding) all the people in his life who he thinks are bitches. Just once I would like to have a conversation about me and my wedding, but when I try to talk to him about it I always feel guilty because as soon as I begin he starts talking about how horrible his life is and how insurmountable his problems are.

    Frankly, at this point I would like to suggest that maybe he attend his internship commitment and not worry about the wedding, and that sometime next year my husband and I will visit him in his town and we could have our own mini-celebration. I'm afraid that that will make him feel like a giant loser, though.  I have a friend who would happily step up to be an extra bridesmaid and a current bridesmaid who would be happy to be Maid of Honor. Both are tremendous fun to be around and loyal friends--which is all I really want from my bridesmaids. I had wanted my Man of Honor in part to help keep my family in line/deal with their drama because he's the only one who knows them and the individual ways they tend to get drunk and crazy. But I'm getting to the point where the stress he is causing is just not worth having him around. I feel bad because a lot of his problems really are beyond his control. But then he's been saying that for a decade. And this is my only wedding.

    I guess my questions are:
    1.) Is my plan to ask him to keep his internship commitment and to talk about possibly visiting him next year good etiquette? If so how should I broach it? How do I talk about this without hurting his feelings?
    2.) Am I obligated to wait until a month before the wedding to make plans? Should I just put up with it and not say anything? Is there a way of getting a commitment without being a bridezilla? 
    3.) Is it wrong to add another bridesmaid to the party? We discussed the option awhile ago and my current Man of Honor is aware of the situation and okay with it; if my current Man of Honor would make a decision then the new bridesmaid/bridesman wouldn't have to be added on at the last minute. We're paying for everything for our wedding party except for transportation, and since my possible bridesman plans to room with a lot of my other friends, it would be really convenient for them all if he got "promoted," ha. I'm not just adding him on for "symmetry" but because he's really easy-going and jolly and I genuinely think would make a good addition to the crew and help diffuse tension--in fact I'm wondering why I didn't invite him before. He was pleased as punch to be asked, especially when I mentioned "free hotel room."

    Any other thoughts? Again I don't want to hurt anyone or be a bridezilla, but it's just really hard on me--and now a couple other people as well--if I don't get a commitment.
    Argh, sorry for the long post. I'm sure it was very tedious to read, but it's really been bugging me.



    The bolded - I don't understand how he got to the point of writing a rude email to your BMs, but you yourself realize that neither he nor they had to help you plan any aspect of your wedding, right? They also aren't/weren't required to throw you any parties, that's just something many WPs do as a nice gesture. So them not doing any of those things does not make them crappy wedding party members.

    1) The thing that is required of a WP member is to show up to the wedding, in the requested attire. He will decide if this is a thing he can do. You don't need to bring it up to him.

    2-3) What do you need to plan for? Either he's standing there or he's not, and either way I'm pretty sure you still get to get married. So you may order an extra bout or something - those cost like $10. You shouldn't add another BM for the sake of even sides. That's stupid. Even sides are not necessary - that just lets the replacement know he's obviously second string and a space filler (or could have been included earlier if even sides weren't more important than his friendship) and lets the replaced know that they're replaceable.

    "Firing" him may end your friendship. It's a shitty thing to do to someone, because it's pretty much always done when someone puts shit that doesn't matter ahead of valuing and honoring the relationship with an honor title and position - that's all a WP is. You're honoring those who are closest to you. So giving him an ultimatum or firing him outright will let him know where he stands relative to your priorities of pictures, and he would be right to end the friendship entirely.

    His internship sounds important. I'm sure he wants to be there for you, and I'd honestly be honored that he's trying to get the day off - that could hurt him professionally, and he's willing to try to do that in order to be there as you get married. Doesn't sound like a crappy friend to me.

    esstee33PrettyGirlLost
  • justsiejustsie member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    It sounds like your friend has a lot going on and needs a friend to talk too, and all he is getting is someone who wants to talk about their wedding. Look, I know your wedding is very important to you, but it isn't that important to everyone else. If your friend is talking about his hardships its because he needs someone to talk to about his hardships.Take the wedding out the equation and be his friend. 
    Secondly, asking him to no longer be your MOH would probably end the friendship. This person sounds important to you, so really consider if that is the next step you want to take. Your BP should be the people you couldn't see yourself getting married without, not a group of people that have to jive well together and push for promotions. 
    image
  • jacques27jacques27 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments 5 Answers
    edited May 2015
    My numbers have nothing to do with your questions - just organizing my thoughts as I read through.
    1.  MOH isn't a job.  You aren't his employer.  You can't "fire" him.  You can end the friendship, if you want.  That's what you would effectively be doing.  All of that first paragraph and part of the second is irrelevant.  You knew all that about him and you picked him anyway - unless you're prepared to say "Yeah, all this stuff about you was okay with me until it started interfering with my wedding, so I'm gonna have to end this."

    2.  It's really not that unusual for employers to have different criteria for taking off time.  If this is a new job and he's an intern, he's low person on the totem pole.  And if June 2nd is a month before your wedding, does that mean your wedding is over the July 4th holiday weekend (assuming you're in the US)?  Because his boss may not be willing to talk to him until he knows whether other people who have more seniority are also taking that time off and whether he has anyone to cover.  I'm lucky and can take off with only a day or two of notice.  My mother has to submit for days off six months in advance and if something comes up after that, then she's not able to know until very shortly before the dates she wants whether there will be coverage to take that time off.

    3.  You don't "promote" other people to MOH.  Because again, you're not an employer and this isn't a job.  All they have to do is show up relatively sober enough to walk down an aisle and stand next to you as a person of honor to witness your ceremony.  There are no other "duties". 

    4.  This also means that he can only attend the ceremony, then that's ok because that is the part you are asking him to be present for - to stand up next to you while you say your vows.  Does it suck that he'll have to miss the reception?  Yup.  But that's his call.  If he wants to go to the hassle of catching flights so he can stand up next to his "friend" while she says her vows, even though it means he doesn't get to attend the reception, then good for him for being that committed to the person badmouthing him on a public forum and he's an adult who can make those decisions.  You don't "fire" someone because you feel they aren't doing enough for you in a "job" that doesn't actually exist or require them to do anything but walk and stand for awhile.

    5.  Not sure what you need a commitment for prior to June.  He either gets the time off and he walks or he doesn't and he removes himself from the party.  Pretty much the only thing that needs to be rearranged is maybe the order of walking down the aisle and back, which you'll figure out at the rehearsal if you have one, or 15 minutes before the ceremony.  It's not that complicated and there's really nothing else to figure out since he has no other duties.
    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm also not going to answer in any particular order.  

    1.  Your bridal party doesn't have any "duties" other then to show up, sober, and in good spirits and on time on the day of the wedding.  Let him know the time, and that you are there for him, and then let it go.  Don't kick him out, because that is a friendship ending move.  If he can't make it, then he has taken himself out of the wedding. Stop trying to talk about the wedding with him.  You will always care the most about your wedding.  Just because people aren't on your same level doesn't mean they don't care, it just means they have lives, and things are happening in their lives.  

    The other day I got a text from my BFF's sister telling me I needed to upload my BFF's engagement video ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.  The way it was worded really put me off, because it assumed I had nothing better to do than to drive to SO's house, fish through his videos, and upload it right away.  A "hey, how are you doing?" would have gone a long way, because that was the day I started 16 hours of school a day, and the day our cat died.  People get sucked into their wedding.  Just remember to come up for air occasionally.  


    2.  It sounds like he may not care for all the wedding minutiae, which is fine.  Weddings aren't for everyone.  That doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.  However, it also sounds like he's having a hard time, and as a friend, that should be your priority, not your wedding.  And, FWIW, I've had bosses who refuse to discuss time off until the the week before the schedule is out.  It sounds like he's also struggled with poverty and potentially unemployment.  This job might be a huge thing to him, and he might be terrified of screwing it up.  That includes being worried about bugging his boss for time off as he begins a new job.  He's the newb.  He gets lowest priority.  That's life, and it's not his fault.  

    3.  Don't replace him if he drops out with anyone else.  Nothing says, "hey, you're second string!" like asking someone to replace a BP drop out.  Sides don't have to be even.  No one will notice, or care.  


    image
    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • esstee33esstee33 Pittsburgh member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2015
    bookholm said:

    I guess my questions are:
    1.) Is my plan to ask him to keep his internship commitment and to talk about possibly visiting him next year good etiquette? If so how should I broach it? How do I talk about this without hurting his feelings?
    2.) Am I obligated to wait until a month before the wedding to make plans? Should I just put up with it and not say anything? Is there a way of getting a commitment without being a bridezilla? 
    3.) Is it wrong to add another bridesmaid to the party? We discussed the option awhile ago and my current Man of Honor is aware of the situation and okay with it; if my current Man of Honor would make a decision then the new bridesmaid/bridesman wouldn't have to be added on at the last minute. We're paying for everything for our wedding party except for transportation, and since my possible bridesman plans to room with a lot of my other friends, it would be really convenient for them all if he got "promoted," ha. I'm not just adding him on for "symmetry" but because he's really easy-going and jolly and I genuinely think would make a good addition to the crew and help diffuse tension--in fact I'm wondering why I didn't invite him before. He was pleased as punch to be asked, especially when I mentioned "free hotel room."

    Any other thoughts? Again I don't want to hurt anyone or be a bridezilla, but it's just really hard on me--and now a couple other people as well--if I don't get a commitment.
    Argh, sorry for the long post. I'm sure it was very tedious to read, but it's really been bugging me.
    1) No, definitely not. There is no way to kick someone out of your bridal party that isn't an absolute slap in the face (and definitely not proper etiquette, regardless). Think about what you're telling him: my wedding is more important and I need to replace you, because you're replaceable in the "lineup." You're thinking about your bridal party all wrong. Your MOH is your MOH because s/he is the most important person to you and you can't imagine them not standing next to you. That's the purpose of the role. What does it say, to you, and to the people involved, if you say "well, my actual man of honor is busy, so you can be the maid of honor instead." Because, to me, that says "you're obviously my second choice but I guess you'll do." That would feel so shitty and hurtful. Would you like that, if someone did that to you? 

    2) I read through your whole post, but it's late and I've had quite a lot of wine, so I'm not sure what you're referring to about waiting until a month before the wedding, but essentially, your options are to 1) kick him out of the bridal party, which will be incredibly rude and hurtful and very likely seriously (and potentially permanently) damage your friendship, OR wait it out and hope he can make it. If he doesn't, that's life. Uneven bridal parties are not a big deal. Tons of people have them, because having your nearest and dearest up there next to you on your wedding day is SO much more important than having symmetry in your pictures. Really, if you're more concerned with knowing whether or not he'll be there so you can replace him in time, you're a pretty shitty friend. 

    3) Seriously, if "because he's really easy-going and jolly and I genuinely think would make a good addition to the crew and help diffuse tension" was actually true, he'd already be in your bridal party. He's very obviously just not that important to you. As should be plainly obvious from my previous two points, it's incredibly rude and potentially friendship-ending to kick someone out of your bridal party, and also very, very hurtful and rude to "promote" other people, so I'd seriously recommend just leaving this alone. You're going to create a whole mess of hurt feelings and resentment, and over what? The possibility that you might have uneven sides? You claim you don't really care, but your behavior suggests otherwise. 
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Here's the short answer. Tell him its ok if he isn't there, but you would really like him there. Be patient and don't worry about it. Just remember, things could be worse. One of our friends (who was almost in the wedding party but due to him getting married this fall also, we decided it would be better if he focus on his own wedding), well he's in the hospital and could be there for a while. If your friend is there, great! If he can't make it, its not the end of the world.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    bookholm said:
    I may have to fire my Man of Honor/give him an out. I feel bad because he says he really wants to go to my wedding, but it may be the best thing.   Bridal Party roles are ceremonial roles of honor, they aren't jobs one can be fired from.  And anyways, you better check to see if your state is a Right to Work state before firing anyone; there are procedures you have to go through, you can't just can him.  We've been friends for ten years and have both gone through a lot--we're both the only people who have known each other at some of the worst times in our lives. In the early part of the friendship we were both in really bad places and my friend gave me emotional support when I needed it. When I started to get better and more functional I continued helping him out, driving him across town to go to important doctor's appointments, trying to make him laugh when he was sad. But often when I needed his help, he would have some huge dramatic and unsolvable problem that was clearly--it was implied--more important than mine, or if he did help he would complain about how horrible it was for years, how many cigarettes he had to smoke just to get by, etc. Then when he started to get his life together and go back to school he cut off everyone from his old unemployed days--it was a little hurtful but I understood that his life was changing for the better and that people move on so I didn't say anything. And he always apologized when we spoke again, and I always assured him that he was still a good friend and it was nice to hear from him. 

    A year or two later I got engaged, and one of the first things I do is invite my friend to be my Man of Honor. And he was super excited to say yes. But then, well, things kind of started to fall apart. He never really participated in the planning of the wedding--which was fine, as I had lots of other support from family and friends, and I recognized that his life had difficulties. It's not the job of your wedding party or your family or friends to help you plan your wedding.  They aren't the ones getting married.  You and your FI are getting married, so he/she should be the one helping you plan.  Your wedding isn't going to be a priority to anyone else but you and your FI.  And then when he did participate he complained about the tediousness of the meeting and wrote a rude email to my bridesmaids implying they weren't helping enough. Maybe the meeting was awful and tedious. . , what the hell were you making your bridal party meet about anyways?   None of them responded, and he seemed clueless as to why. Then, three months before my wedding he told me that his internship required him to be in another town for the day of the wedding. I became very upset because I had really wanted him there and he said he would talk to his manager to try to take those days off.   His job trumps your wedding, sorrynotsorry.  It sucks, but that's reality.

    I waited weeks. Nothing happened. Finally he told me that no one would talk to him until June 2nd, a month before our wedding. I talked to my mom about this and she said, "Does that sound right to you?" To be frank, it didn't: I'd never heard of a boss refusing to talk to employees for months, not without delegating those responsibilities to someone else. It's totally plausible that his boss can't make a decision as to whether or not he can have that time off until June 2nd; His boss may have to see who else in the department is also taking off, who could cover for your friend, what the workload is like at that time, etc.  People seem to think that just because a person is allotted X paid vacation days a year that they are entitled to take that time off whenever they want.  That's not how it works.  Your vacation is typically at the discretion of your boss.  He/She is free to decline your request for a number of valid reasons no matter how many days you are given on paper. Worse, the plane tickets his friend bought him require him to be in town for such a short period that he'll have to leave immediately after the ceremony--which will require that another guest leave the reception in order to take him to the bus station.

    I'm starting to come to the conclusion that maybe my friend doesn't want to come to the wedding, or that it's just a big hassle for him, and that it's not as important as other things he has going on. No, your wedding is not going to be as important to him as his job.  One is how he earns his income, the  other is a ceremony followed by a glorified party.  But you need to stop making assumptions as to what your friend thinks regarding the wedding.  If he told you he was going to try to get the time off, you need to take him at his word.  If he can only come into town for the ceremony and has to leave during the reception, so be it.  It's up to him to decide if the hassle is worth it to him to do that, and to make arrangements to get to and from the airport.  Whenever I try to talk to him about it he tells me instead about all his problems--his boyfriend/ex-boyfriend, his poverty (I, my family, and other friends are bending over backwards to assist him financially for the wedding) all the people in his life who he thinks are bitches. Just once I would like to have a conversation about me and my wedding, but when I try to talk to him about it I always feel guilty because as soon as I begin he starts talking about how horrible his life is and how insurmountable his problems are.  His issues do sound more serious than you whining about his lack of enthusiasm over your wedding.  Or maybe he doesn't want to talk about your wedding because that's all.you.ever want to talk about with him?

    Frankly, at this point I would like to suggest that maybe he attend his internship commitment and not worry about the wedding, and that sometime next year my husband and I will visit him in his town and we could have our own mini-celebration. I suggest you just stay out of it and let him prioritize his life as he sees fit.  He's an adult, he can figure out if he can make your wedding or not.  I'm afraid that that will make him feel like a giant loser, though.  I have a friend who would happily step up to be an extra bridesmaid and a current bridesmaid who would be happy to be Maid of Honor.  This isn't a baseball team where you call people up from the minor leagues to fill in for gaps on the team on game day.  Do not replace him if he can't make your wedding.  You just go with whomever you have in your wedding party now.   Both are tremendous fun to be around and loyal friends--which is all I really want from my bridesmaids. Then why didn't you ask them to be a BM/MOH in the first place?  I had wanted my Man of Honor in part to help keep my family in line/deal with their drama because he's the only one who knows them and the individual ways they tend to get drunk and crazy. That's not his job or anyone else's job!  If yor family is causing drama then you need to ignore it or diffuse it because it's YOUR family.  If you are concerned about drunks then you hire security.  You don't make your bridal party run interference or deal with family drama.  All they need to do is show up to your ceremony on time and dressed appropriately and walk down an aisle.  But I'm getting to the point where the stress he is causing is just not worth having him around. I feel bad because a lot of his problems really are beyond his control. But then he's been saying that for a decade. And this is my only wedding.  So his life is falling about around him or he's really upset and all you're worried about is your wedding?  Hate to break it to you, but he only gets one life.

    I guess my questions are:
    1.) Is my plan to ask him to keep his internship commitment and to talk about possibly visiting him next year good etiquette? No.  If so how should I broach it? You don't.  You let him decide if he can make it or not w/o saying another damn thing about your wedding.  How do I talk about this without hurting his feelings?  You don't.
    2.) Am I obligated to wait until a month before the wedding to make plans? There are no "plans" for you to make.  Either he shows up to your ceremony or he doesn't.  If he doesn't, it doesn't really affect you.  If your FI alls off the engagement between now and the wedding or he doesn't show up to your ceremony, then I'd say you need to make plans. . . Should I just put up with it and not say anything? Is there a way of getting a commitment without being a bridezilla? No.  Stop talking to him about this issue and let him figure kit out!!
    3.) Is it wrong to add another bridesmaid to the party? Yes.  These are people, nit props.  This is a wedding, not a baseball team.  We discussed the option awhile ago and my current Man of Honor is aware of the situation and okay with it; if my current Man of Honor would make a decision then the new bridesmaid/bridesman wouldn't have to be added on at the last minute. So you already brought up to your friend the possibility of kicking him out of your wedding party and replacing him with someone else?  Well gee, no wonder he's waiting until the last minute to let you know if he's coming to your wedding- you probably offended and hurt him.We're paying for everything for our wedding party except for transportation, and since my possible bridesman plans to room with a lot of my other friends, it would be really convenient for them all if he got "promoted," ha. Well it would have been convenient if you would have just asked him to be in the WP when you asked everyone else.  I'm not just adding him on for "symmetry" but because he's really easy-going and jolly and I genuinely think would make a good addition to the crew and help diffuse tension--in fact I'm wondering why I didn't invite him before.  He was pleased as punch to be asked, especially when I mentioned "free hotel room."  If he really doesn't feel like an after thought, then just as him to be in the WP now, whether or not your MOH can make it to the wedding.  And again, you WP is not responsible for dealing with your family's drama.  Do not ask them to do this.

    Any other thoughts? Again I don't want to hurt anyone or be a bridezilla, but it's just really hard on me--and now a couple other people as well--if I don't get a commitment.  How is it hard on you or anyone else if your friend doesn't know if he can make your wedding?
    Argh, sorry for the long post. I'm sure it was very tedious to read, but it's really been bugging me.
    So I'm curious, since June 2nd has come and gone and I suspect that OP's wedding is this weekend. . .

    OP, what did your friend decide to do?  What did you decide to do?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Here's the short answer. Tell him its ok if he isn't there, but you would really like him there. Be patient and don't worry about it. Just remember, things could be worse. One of our friends (who was almost in the wedding party but due to him getting married this fall also, we decided it would be better if he focus on his own wedding), well he's in the hospital and could be there for a while. If your friend is there, great! If he can't make it, its not the end of the world.
    Yep, because it's so hard to plan a wedding AND walk down an aisle on another day, for another wedding, all in the same season!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    [Deleted User]thespeshulestsnowflakezitiqueen
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