Registering and Gifts

Wedding Shower Gift Theme

edited May 2015 in Registering and Gifts
My future mother in law is planning on throwing us a couples/coed wedding shower with just immediate family and a few other relatives. Something small and informal. The questions of gifts has come up. I don't want gifts at the shower, but FI thinks some of his family might bring gifts anyways. I'm starting to wonder if having a gift theme that keeps the gifts small and inexpensive would be a good idea (nothing from our registry). What would be a good theme? A few thoughts I've had are the usual stock the bar (favorite bottle of wine or something), something small you've learned that every house needs that the couple wouldn't think of, favorite games...just don't want any gifts to be expensive.

Re: Wedding Shower Gift Theme

  • justsiejustsie
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    My future mother in law is planning on throwing us a couples/coed wedding shower with just immediate family and a few other relatives. Something small and informal. The questions of gifts has come up. I don't want gifts at the shower, but FI thinks some of his family might bring gifts anyways. I'm starting to wonder if having a gift theme that keeps the gifts small and inexpensive would be a good idea (nothing from our registry). What would be a good theme? A few thoughts I've had are the usual stock the bar (favorite bottle of wine or something), something small you've learned that every house needs that the couple wouldn't think of, favorite games...just don't want any gifts to be expensive.

    The point of a shower is to "shower" you with gifts, so it would defeat the purpose of the shower if you didn't have gifts. Can I ask why you don't want anything from your registry? That would be the place I would start if I was invited to a shower. I think sticking to a theme at a shower is tough (especially if you don't have a registry) because then people could be bringing your multiples of the same thing. It is fine to register for inexpensive things or things that you will use together like board games. 
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    [Deleted User]
  • It's just that having people buy gifts from our registry for the shower and the wedding makes me uncomfortable, especially because not everyone is well off. If we are going to receive gifts and open them I'd rather they be fun and small so no one feels left out or overshadowed by what someone else was able to gift. We want this to be more of a get to know you for the families since most have never met. It just so happens to have the title of "shower". I'd prefer no gifts at all but I don't think everyone would stick to that even if we told them to so we are trying to come up with a way everyone would be included in some sort of fun gifting.
  • esstee33esstee33 Pittsburgh
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited July 2015

    It's just that having people buy gifts from our registry for the shower and the wedding makes me uncomfortable, especially because not everyone is well off. If we are going to receive gifts and open them I'd rather they be fun and small so no one feels left out or overshadowed by what someone else was able to gift. We want this to be more of a get to know you for the families since most have never met. It just so happens to have the title of "shower". I'd prefer no gifts at all but I don't think everyone would stick to that even if we told them to so we are trying to come up with a way everyone would be included in some sort of fun gifting.

    If you don't want gifts, decline the shower. Showers are for gifts. That's their whole thing. And, for that matter, if you're uncomfortable with receiving gifts at all, get rid of the registry too. 
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    [Deleted User]
  • jacques27jacques27
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments 5 Answers
    member
    edited May 2015

    It's just that having people buy gifts from our registry for the shower and the wedding makes me uncomfortable, especially because not everyone is well off. If we are going to receive gifts and open them I'd rather they be fun and small so no one feels left out or overshadowed by what someone else was able to gift. We want this to be more of a get to know you for the families since most have never met. It just so happens to have the title of "shower". I'd prefer no gifts at all but I don't think everyone would stick to that even if we told them to so we are trying to come up with a way everyone would be included in some sort of fun gifting.



    Then why did you register somewhere and why did you accept the offer of someone throwing you a shower, which is by definition a gift-giving event?  Both of those things are entirely optional, yet you chose to do them anyway, so clearly you aren't that uncomfortable with the idea.

    Don't have a theme - you already have a theme: getting married.  A registry is there for ideas - people know they don't HAVE to buy off the registry.  Don't take it further by actually dictating what to give you and when.  If you legitimately don't want expensive things, then only put small items on your registry - take the expensive stuff off.  If you don't want people buying you stuff at all, then delete your registry, go to the person organizing the shower and tell them that on second thought you aren't comfortable with the idea of a shower and while you're flattered they would throw you one you are going to pass on their generous offer, and when people ask you what you want for a gift tell them that there is absolutely nothing that you need and you're all set, but thanks for asking.

    If all you want is a family get-together, then throw that and make sure it's ABUNDANTLY clear that it is completely outside the context of your wedding.  Do not call it a shower, do not associate it whatsoever to your wedding.  Have a family BBQ.  Don't know when your wedding is, but Memorial Day, Father's Day, Fourth of July, and Labor Day are all great excuses to throw a BBQ.

  • edited May 2015
    I have to say I feel slightly attacked for my choice, but I do understand where you are all coming from. I don't want a shower, but I don't want to say no to the shower especially after everything my future in laws are doing for us. I have gotten myself in this situation and I am trying to find a way that works for everyone without insulting anyone. I could have easily declined the shower, but decided not to so thats my problem.

    For others that may find themselves in this situation this is what we have decided to do. Since we aren't doing formal invites for this we are just going to say its a get together to celebrate and help the families get to know each other, and please no gifts. If people bring them we will simply not open them there, but do so at home. My feeling is that registry gifts are for the wedding and no one should feel like they have to buy us more than one especially if they are financially unable to do so.
  • I have to say I feel slightly attacked for my choice, but I do understand where you are all coming from. I don't want a shower, but I don't want to say no to the shower especially after everything my future in laws are doing for us. I have gotten myself in this situation and I am trying to find a way that works for everyone without insulting anyone. I could have easily declined the shower, but decided not to so thats my problem.


    For others that may find themselves in this situation this is what we have decided to do. Since we aren't doing formal invites for this we are just going to say its a get together to celebrate and help the families get to know each other, and please no gifts. If people bring them we will simply not open them there, but do so at home. My feeling is that registry gifts are for the wedding and no one should feel like they have to buy us more than one especially if they are financially unable to do so.
    Have the party.  Just don't call it a shower.

    And your concern about people buying you gifts for the Shower AND for the Wedding is a non-issue.  A gift that I bring to the shower IS a wedding gift.  Depending on who it is that is getting married, how much I want to spend on them, and what kinds of things strike me from their registry, sometimes I'll get one big gift and bring it to the shower, sometimes I'll split my money in half and give them a smaller gift for their shower and give them a smaller check at their wedding, and sometimes I'll give them a tiny gift at their shower and write them a bigger check for the wedding.  It depends on my mood.  But you wouldn't get more than I was willing to spend just because you had a shower AND a wedding.
    Kahlylachibiyui
  • jacques27jacques27
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments 5 Answers
    member
    edited May 2015
    adk19 said:

    I have to say I feel slightly attacked for my choice, but I do understand where you are all coming from. I don't want a shower, but I don't want to say no to the shower especially after everything my future in laws are doing for us. I have gotten myself in this situation and I am trying to find a way that works for everyone without insulting anyone. I could have easily declined the shower, but decided not to so thats my problem.


    For others that may find themselves in this situation this is what we have decided to do. Since we aren't doing formal invites for this we are just going to say its a get together to celebrate and help the families get to know each other, and please no gifts. If people bring them we will simply not open them there, but do so at home. My feeling is that registry gifts are for the wedding and no one should feel like they have to buy us more than one especially if they are financially unable to do so.
    Have the party.  Just don't call it a shower.

    And your concern about people buying you gifts for the Shower AND for the Wedding is a non-issue.  A gift that I bring to the shower IS a wedding gift.  Depending on who it is that is getting married, how much I want to spend on them, and what kinds of things strike me from their registry, sometimes I'll get one big gift and bring it to the shower, sometimes I'll split my money in half and give them a smaller gift for their shower and give them a smaller check at their wedding, and sometimes I'll give them a tiny gift at their shower and write them a bigger check for the wedding.  It depends on my mood.  But you wouldn't get more than I was willing to spend just because you had a shower AND a wedding.
    So much this.  I know how to budget my money and I know my budget better than you would.  Just because you (general you) have a shower and a wedding doesn't mean I'm going to blow my budget on you.  If I'm close enough to be invited to a shower and I'm free to go, then I'm probably giving my gift there and I'm just coming to the wedding with a congratulations card.  Or I'm dividing my budget between the two, so instead of buying you one $100 item off your registry for the wedding, I'll buy you two $50 items and split them between the events.  If you don't have a shower or I'm not invited, I'm probably sending a gift directly to your home shortly before or after the wedding and I'm spending the same amount of money on you as I would if you had a shower, too. 

    There's just something presumptuous about someone else thinking they know about my finances better than myself and are making the decision on how and when I spend my money for me.  I know you mean well, but it's presumptuous.  If you legitimately want no gifts, the solution is not register and not have showers - otherwise, trust that adults know how they want to spend their money and can budget accordingly. 

    And if someone has taken the time, money, and effort to bring you a gift at the party, you should open it in front of them - it's an important part of being a gracious gift receiver.
    [Deleted User]erinlin25
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