Wedding Etiquette Forum

Friend bringing child that was not invited

Hello!  This is my first post.  I'm looking forward to hearing your input!

My fiancee and I both have very large families... after much list cutting, we are down to 400 guests, and still squeezed for space as our reception is indoors.  We love kids, and it's important for our nieces and nephews to be part of our big day, so they are invited.  However, since we are in our 30s, many of our friends are married with small children mostly under the age of 5 (this would be another 35-40 kids invited).  Early on in the wedding planning process, we decided since we are having kind of a late-night wedding and are tight on space, we would allow our young family members but otherwise we would not be inviting our friends' kids.

I discussed this in advance with my friends with kids, and explained the rationale, and they all were very understanding and were looking forward to an adult night out anyway.  With one particular friend with a toddler that moved to another state to be closer to family last fall, she told me that she and her husband were looking forward to a vacation back to their old city, just the two of them.  This conversation was about 4 months ago.  Since that time, my friend and her husband have decided to turn the trip into a 2-week trip as another mutual friend of ours is getting married in the same city 2 weeks before us.

Fast-forward to invites now being sent out.  We clearly specified that only my friend and her husband were invited, listed "2 seats" on the RSVP card, but when they sent it back, they filled out "3 seats" and listed the 2 of them and their toddler.

Now, while I AM willing to accommodate them (I don't have kids yet and am trying to be sympathetic if there are child-care issues, or if they decided they didn't want to be far from their little one for that long)... I am also hurt that she didn't call or text to ask first.  Besides, I want to be fair to my other friends that have already respected our wishes and have RSVP'd without their kids (some of these friends are out of state too).

I actually attempted to contact my friend the other day, and texted her with "We just got your RSVP!" hoping it would open up the discussion or a phone call, but she replied she just arrived on a family vacation and seemed preoccupied, so the conversation didn't really progress.

So my question is: should I drop it, and just reserve a seat for the toddler, even if child will be pretty much at an adult party?  (I hope my other friends that are parents aren't offended.)  Or should I try harder to broach the subject?  If it's just a child-care issue, we could help brainstorm some ideas with some of our other mutual friends that have kids.  My friend and I are pretty close (I even threw her baby shower for her), though I admit since her child was born, she's been tough to get a hold of.  I am not "wed" to any particular outcome... I just wish she would've talked to me about it, out of respect for our wishes, that's all.

Re: Friend bringing child that was not invited

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If the toddler wasn't invited, you have every right to call her and tell her that you're sorry for the misunderstanding, but her invitation is only for her and her husband and that you cannot accommodate her child. She and her husband may choose not to attend, but that's their issue. Don't make it yours.

    If they show up at your wedding with the toddler, you can either accommodate all three or none of them and have staff or security ask them to leave
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Agree with the above.

    As long as you aren't splitting up families by say inviting a 10 year old kid but not their 3 year old sibling, there is no requirement to invite children with their parents. You can also invite some children, but not others- just like any other guest! You really don't need to explain yourself or rationalize your decision- you chose not to invite this friend's child, and that is your right.

    You have two options, 1) Call up your friend (yes call, don't text) and tell her that you are sorry but the invitation is only for her and her husband, you are unable to accommodate her child and hope she can still come. Or 2) you bend to the request and accommodate the child- though it is entirely rude of her to add someone to her invitation and definitely not talking to you first. 
  • You should call her and politely explain that you cannot accommodate her child at the wedding and that you hope she can still make it. The most you should do is offer to help her find child care during the wedding; do not let her bring the child. It rewards bad behavior (I agree that what she did was very rude) and is unfair to your other guests who cooperated with your not inviting their children.
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  • Also, I realize this advice comes too late for you, but for other folks reading the boards, please do not contact your guests ahead of time to say, "So-and-so is not invited." Even when the person(s) indicated are children, it is rude to tell someone they are not invited.

    ^^^^This
  • RezIpsaRezIpsa member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I love kids, but I think the other guests may not have the best feeling about things if they arrive and find that kids could come, just not THEIR kids. You know what I mean? It's not like you can explain to everyone who left their kids home the circumstances of this kid attending, so it just looks like you excluded some kids and not others.

    Considering that what she did was massively rude, I would just call and tell her the invite was just for her and her husband, you cannot accommodate the toddler, but you would be happy to help find childcare if the are interested in that.
  • For anyone that adds guests to an RSVP (doesn't have to just be a child - it could be a cousin who wants to bring a friend), just call them up and say, "I'm sorry for any confusion but the invitation was only for you and your husband. We can't accommodate Junior." 

    You can decide if you want to recommend sitters or not. We had a child-free wedding and had a short list of names where if someone said "well we're from OOT and I don't know anyone to watch Junior!" I could say, "it's up to you, but I have a few names of babysitters if you'd like to get in touch." Then the ball is in their court. They might say they can't attend. Whatever. They're choice.
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  • Thanks everyone!  I think I'm going to let my emotions settle and then call her up.  Man, I really don't like conflict but I'm gonna bite the bullet on this one.  In the meantime, I'll try to figure out some child-care options to offer.  The advice (and validation) was very helpful.
  • scribe95 said:

    This is why we just had all the kids and found a cheaper place to have the wedding. I realize it's okay etiquette wise to invite family kids but not friend kids. But I just would feel awful about it when they showed up and saw 20 kids running around but they were specifically told theirs wasn't invited. 

    I think we were lucky that not many of our friends had kids at the time we got married.

    However I wouldn't have an issue standing to friends and telling them that the family kids were included (they were) and that the only friends kids we invited were those that were nursing.   Luckily that also didn't split any families. 
  • I would have loved to have all the kids there, but we booked the biggest venue we could find that wasn't too far from our church and didn't have some ridiculous noise ordinance about turning the music down before the sun set.  It's mostly a space issue (and also a little bit the fact that we wanted an evening/late night wedding and most toddlers won't last).
  • scribe95 said:

    This is why we just had all the kids and found a cheaper place to have the wedding. I realize it's okay etiquette wise to invite family kids but not friend kids. But I just would feel awful about it when they showed up and saw 20 kids running around but they were specifically told theirs wasn't invited. 



    Not everyone wants 100 kids at their wedding. Making the cutoff at just family kids seems super reasonable. Where does it stop- if one friend saw that this friend's kid is there, then she'll get offended too because it's not "just family" like OP originally said...and on and on.

    No one should feel guilty for trying to control their guest list to fit in with their budget, space and preference (of course while including SOs and not splitting up families).

    Formerly martha1818

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  • scribe95 said:

    This is why we just had all the kids and found a cheaper place to have the wedding. I realize it's okay etiquette wise to invite family kids but not friend kids. But I just would feel awful about it when they showed up and saw 20 kids running around but they were specifically told theirs wasn't invited. 

    image
  • Like PPs have said, you're well within your rights to call her up and let her know that there was a misunderstanding. Or you can accommodate the kid.

    That said, as long as you're not splitting families up by inviting one sibling but not the other, it's your prerogative to invite some children, but not others. Your guests would be rude for calling you out for that.

    FI and I know a lot of families with kids. If we invited every single kid either of us knows, we would have 50+ kids at the wedding. So, we decided to invite all the kids in our families, plus the kids with whom we both have a relationship. This means we invited FI's buddy/coworker and his wife with their three kids because we see them on a regular basis, but we are not inviting FI's old high school friend's four kids whom I have never met (and FI has only seen a handful of times). It's inviting in circles; family kids and close friends' kids are invited, people whose kids we don't really know aren't.

    Just do what is right for you. I think you're fine not to let the kid come, but if you decide to, don't worry about what other guests will think... I doubt many people would notice/care, since you are already going to have other kids (nieces/nephews) there.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I think you should let the kid come so you learn your lesson about delicately broaching the subject through an obscure text instead of just picking up the phone and having a direct conversation!

    And don't wait for your options to settle. You've now told her you got the RSVP, and waited a few days more, and haven't brought it up. She probably thinks you're fine with it. Call her right away so she can make other arrangements.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Please keep us updated on how the call goes.
  • I think you should let the kid come so you learn your lesson about delicately broaching the subject through an obscure text instead of just picking up the phone and having a direct conversation!

    And don't wait for your options to settle. You've now told her you got the RSVP, and waited a few days more, and haven't brought it up. She probably thinks you're fine with it. Call her right away so she can make other arrangements.

    I'm really confused by the bolded... What exactly is the "lesson" you think OP should be learning by allowing the kid to come?
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I think you should let the kid come so you learn your lesson about delicately broaching the subject through an obscure text instead of just picking up the phone and having a direct conversation!

    And don't wait for your options to settle. You've now told her you got the RSVP, and waited a few days more, and haven't brought it up. She probably thinks you're fine with it. Call her right away so she can make other arrangements.

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  • OP, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. We had similar problems, although in our case we had decided to have a child-free wedding. One WP member was excessively pushy about his daughters -- insisting that he would be bringing them to the ceremony regardless of whether they were invited (they were not invited) but would send them home before the reception. I gave up pushing back on it honestly because he is really H's friend and the friendship wasn't mine to jeopardize by getting really firm with him about it. Another of H's friends RSVP'd properly (for he and his wife, who were invited) and happened to offhandedly say to H that they were planning to bring their toddler. Umm, what? H told him no. 

    I think you've mostly gotten good advice already. You can either choose to leave it alone and let your friend bring her kid, or you can contact her and explain, I'm sorry, but we were not able to accommodate everyone. I think suggesting some sitters is a good idea. It seems like you have friends in the area who have similarly aged children, maybe ask them for some babysitter recommendations. 
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  • Yeah we have several mutual friends who also have toddlers and are also invited to the wedding (but live locally), so I'm checking to see what their baby-sitting plans are...
    Thanks, all :)
  • Hi Hi... here's the update as requested :)  Finally had a chance to talk on the phone with friend last weekend (after much phone tag!), she actually brought it up herself and asked if toddler was invited (even though she had included him on the RSVP).  So, we will work together on combining forces with some of the other guests that are mutual friends to find a baby-sitting solution, since they will be visiting from out of town for two weeks around the time of our wedding.  
  • Glad it worked out and everyone is good! At least she asked on the phone and didn't get pissy about it. 
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