18 Year Old Getting Married

Knottie61182337

Help, my 18 year old is getting married in January.  I wanted opinions on if we should have a bachorlette party, wedding shower or couples wedding shower.  I am leaning toward forgoing the bachorlette party because she is underage and may be uncomfortable.  We also have the problem of all of our relatives will be out of town and there are only about 5 people that may be able to make any party, unless we plan one the day before the wedding.  Any suggestions?

flantastic

Knottie61182337 said:

Help, my 18 year old is getting married in January.  I wanted opinions on if we should have a bachorlette party, wedding shower or couples wedding shower.  I am leaning toward forgoing the bachorlette party because she is underage and may be uncomfortable.  We also have the problem of all of our relatives will be out of town and there are only about 5 people that may be able to make any party, unless we plan one the day before the wedding.  Any suggestions?

Why does a bachelorette party have to involve drinking? Do something that she likes to do, and invite her friends, not just family.

You may offer to throw any parties you want, as long as everyone on the guest list is invited to the wedding, and she is allowed to accept or decline said parties.

ETA: I had 5 people at my bachelorette. They were my friends. It was great.

anniewalkerx

Knottie61182337 said:

Help, my 18 year old is getting married in January.  I wanted opinions on if we should have a bachorlette party, wedding shower or couples wedding shower.  I am leaning toward forgoing the bachorlette party because she is underage and may be uncomfortable.  We also have the problem of all of our relatives will be out of town and there are only about 5 people that may be able to make any party, unless we plan one the day before the wedding.  Any suggestions?

This...this seems like a really weird post. Your 18 year old daughter is getting married, and your urgent question is whether you should throw her a bachelorette? I mean.

When I saw "18 year old getting married" in Wedding 911 that is...not the question I thought was going to be asked.

But I guess, not my biz. I would just ask your daughter what she wants.

CMGragain

As MOB, you should not be planning ANY pre-wedding parties for your own daughter.

flantastic

CMGragain said:

As MOB, you should not be planning ANY pre-wedding parties for your own daughter.

Other than it being possibly awkward for the daughter, why couldn't the mom throw a bachelorette?

ohannabelle

Knottie61182337 said:

Help, my 18 year old is getting married in January.  I wanted opinions on if we should have a bachorlette party, wedding shower or couples wedding shower.  I am leaning toward forgoing the bachorlette party because she is underage and may be uncomfortable.  We also have the problem of all of our relatives will be out of town and there are only about 5 people that may be able to make any party, unless we plan one the day before the wedding.  Any suggestions?

A bachelorette party can be going out for lunch, or manicures, or swimming, or watching movies  with her girlfriends. Any one of her friends might suggest a bachelorette party, and the choice to go or not, or decide whether she'll be comfortable, would be your daughter's call. Because apparently, she's an adult.

Bachelorette parties don't have to be drunken bar crawls involving light up penis necklaces.

QOTC2016

Knottie61182337 said:

Help, my 18 year old is getting married in January.  I wanted opinions on if we should have a bachorlette party, wedding shower or couples wedding shower.  I am leaning toward forgoing the bachorlette party because she is underage and may be uncomfortable.  We also have the problem of all of our relatives will be out of town and there are only about 5 people that may be able to make any party, unless we plan one the day before the wedding.  Any suggestions?

Alright, so, I will be 19 and will have just completed my first year of college when I get married (it's more common where I live in the 'South' especially with all the military around) so I have a little perspective to offer. I'm currently a BM in a wedding and the only reason the bachelorette party makes me uncomfortable (this doesn't matter because it isn't my wedding!) is because I'm being bitched at for not being able to drive 8 hours away to go to dinner and watch my future Aunt and the other BMs (aside from my 14 year old sister) do a bar crawl. I would have happily gone out to dinner with them before they did such but I can't make the 8 hour drive, I have work. A bachelorette party in itself isn't an uncomfortable idea. My Uncle's bachelor party consists of paintball and a BBQ. You can absolutely do something fun like a BBQ and paintball, indoor rock climbing, camping (not my taste but still a suggestion), etc. 

I honestly think the best course of action, however, would be to speak to your daughter about this. She will be able to tell you what she will be comfortable with more than we can.

As for the other parties, I know several couples who have lived/moved out of state for whatever reason and most of their wedding guests are from the state they used to live in and so they did their shower in the original state. I know transporting things to and from the shower might be a hassle but again, that's something you should talk to your daughter about.

If she is old enough to get married, she is old enough to tell you what she does and does not like, what she is and is not comfortable with, etc. 

climbingsingle

I see no problem with the mother of the bride throwing a bach party. 

OP, what does your daughter like to do? Plan a party around that. 

Knottie61182337

I want to say thanks for the people who have given me some insightful information.   Sorry if having a mature 18 year old that has been involved with the same guy for 3 years and getting married upsets most of your values but I have chose to support her and her choices. She has chose not to have a bridal party, no MOH or BM.  I want to make this a special occasion for her, hence my question.  I guess I should not have asked for help since most of these replies are attacking her choices and my support of those choices.  Thanks again to the helpful comments and I guess I will not be using this site again because what I thought would be fun harmless question of information has turned it into a unhappy one. 

geebee908

Knottie61182337 said:

I want to say thanks for the people who have given me some insightful information.   Sorry if having a mature 18 year old that has been involved with the same guy for 3 years and getting married upsets most of your values but I have chose to support her and her choices. She has chose not to have a bridal party, no MOH or BM.  I want to make this a special occasion for her, hence my question.  I guess I should not have asked for help since most of these replies are attacking her choices and my support of those choices.  Thanks again to the helpful comments and I guess I will not be using this site again because what I thought would be fun harmless question of information has turned it into a unhappy one. 

7 replies and I don't think one of them said anything about your daughter's choice to get married. A couple people questioned your involvement with a bachelorette party which seems reasonable as a possibly awkward party to have the MOB or MOG involved with. CMGragain is the only one who came off as harsh (and wrong-- you can definitely plan pre-wedding parties for your daughter if you desire), so I'm not sure where you're taking offense.

Just plan something she enjoys doing with friends and I'm sure it will be a great time for all involved.

thisismynickname2

Knottie61182337 said:

Help, my 18 year old is getting married in January.  I wanted opinions on if we should have a bachorlette party, wedding shower or couples wedding shower.  I am leaning toward forgoing the bachorlette party because she is underage and may be uncomfortable.  We also have the problem of all of our relatives will be out of town and there are only about 5 people that may be able to make any party, unless we plan one the day before the wedding.  Any suggestions?

Knottie61182337 said:

I want to say thanks for the people who have given me some insightful information.   Sorry if having a mature 18 year old that has been involved with the same guy for 3 years and getting married upsets most of your values but I have chose to support her and her choices. She has chose not to have a bridal party, no MOH or BM.  I want to make this a special occasion for her, hence my question.  I guess I should not have asked for help since most of these replies are attacking her choices and my support of those choices.  Thanks again to the helpful comments and I guess I will not be using this site again because what I thought would be fun harmless question of information has turned it into a unhappy one. 

I don't see one single post that is attacking her choices. At all. Since she's choosing not to have a bridal party, I think it's wonderful that you are thinking about pre-wedding parties. The bottom line is to ask her what she's interested in.  There are great ideas above for non-drinking activities. Traditional etiquette says that family members (or maybe it's just moms) should not host showers, as it appears gift grabby, but that's a rule I see bent all the time. Maybe one of her friends is already considering throwing these parties- any friend can, not just bridal party. (Personally, I would not side-eye you if you threw a shower for her, although some may-- I'm just happy as long as the bride herself isn't throwing her own events, honestly.) Showers and bachelorette parties don't normally include every woman on the guest list and can be great with just a few attendees. You only mentioned relatives are out of town, so what about her friends? 

Sorry my response is rather disjointed. In this case, as long as the bride doesn't throw her own parties, just... go with the flow. Good luck.  

CMGragain

Harsh?  I just gave basic etiquette information.  My daughter didn't have a shower.  Even if I had been nearby, I wouldn't have hosted one for her because it is against etiquette.  Bachelorette parties are something that was unheard of back in my day, so I seldom comment on those.
Parties to celebrate the bride should not be given by the MOB.

[Deleted User]

CMGragain said:

Harsh?  I just gave basic etiquette information.  My daughter didn't have a shower.  Even if I had been nearby, I wouldn't have hosted one for her because it is against etiquette.  Bachelorette parties are something that was unheard of back in my day, so I seldom comment on those.
Parties to celebrate the bride should not be given by the MOB.

Not sure how the above goes against etiquette.  My mother, grandmother, and sister are throwing me a shower as is my future mother in law.  I didn't ask them to throw them nor do I have any part in the planning or details thereof. 

[Deleted User]

Knottie6174271 said:

CMGragain said:

Harsh?  I just gave basic etiquette information.  My daughter didn't have a shower.  Even if I had been nearby, I wouldn't have hosted one for her because it is against etiquette.  Bachelorette parties are something that was unheard of back in my day, so I seldom comment on those.
Parties to celebrate the bride should not be given by the MOB.

Not sure how the above goes against etiquette.  My mother, grandmother, and sister are throwing me a shower as is my future mother in law.  I didn't ask them to throw them nor do I have any part in the planning or details thereof. 

It used to be against etiquette for mothers to plan parties for their bride daughters because it was basically a party for the MOB.  Reason, because the MOB was supposed to set up her daughter for taking care of her husband and home, so a party where others give gifts to the bride means that the Mother no longer has to give the bride these items.  Times, they are a-changin.

geebee908

CMGragain said:

Harsh?  I just gave basic etiquette information.  My daughter didn't have a shower.  Even if I had been nearby, I wouldn't have hosted one for her because it is against etiquette.  Bachelorette parties are something that was unheard of back in my day, so I seldom comment on those.
Parties to celebrate the bride should not be given by the MOB.

Yeah, what's the reasoning behind that? It seems silly in my book that parents would not be able to host an engagement party, shower, or even bachelorette parties if they were so inclined. Is it any different than hosting a party to celebrate any other life milestone? Should my parents not have hosted a graduation party for me when I graduated from high school and college? Should we decline all offers from our parents to host our weddings as against etiquette? What makes parental hosting of the pre-wedding parties an etiquette taboo?

southernbelle0915

I think it's cool that you're supporting her. I literally don't see one post that attacked her, so I'm confused by that statement, but ok....

I have no problem with parents throwing showers for their kids. But in traditional etiquette, it's a no-no. Reason? Because it's seen as the family being gift grabby since the parents are "too close" to the bride. Often, aunts or friends will throw one for that reason. But honestly, IDGAF who throws it as long as someone isn't throwing it for themselves. 

So that being said, if you throw one, just invite whatever family and then invite some of your daughter's friends. Only thing is - whoever gets invited to the shower should also be invited to the wedding.

As far as a bachelorette, I think you're thinking of the hot pink/black, drunken penis parties from movies. Not all bach's are like that. Some people go out to lunch and get mani/pedis. Some go to the beach. Some go to an amusement park. Some go to the movies. You get the picture. It doesn't have to involve scandalous things and alcohol.

mrscomposer

Knottie61182337 said:

I want to say thanks for the people who have given me some insightful information.   Sorry if having a mature 18 year old that has been involved with the same guy for 3 years and getting married upsets most of your values but I have chose to support her and her choices. She has chose not to have a bridal party, no MOH or BM.  I want to make this a special occasion for her, hence my question.  I guess I should not have asked for help since most of these replies are attacking her choices and my support of those choices.  Thanks again to the helpful comments and I guess I will not be using this site again because what I thought would be fun harmless question of information has turned it into a unhappy one. 

What the hell?  No.  No one said anything like that.  Unless everyone who responded to you went back and changed their replies to be helpful.  Which, no.

Bachelorette parties do not have to be wild, orgastic bacchanalias.  Plan something that your daughter likes to do.  My 'bachelorette' was the night before my wedding, after our rehearsal.  We sat around and visited and played games that my sister organized.

flantastic

I want to say thanks for the people who have given me some insightful information.   Sorry if having a mature 18 year old that has been involved with the same guy for 3 years and getting married upsets most of your values but I have chose to support her and her choices. She has chose not to have a bridal party, no MOH or BM.  I want to make this a special occasion for her, hence my question.  I guess I should not have asked for help since most of these replies are attacking her choices and my support of those choices.  Thanks again to the helpful comments and I guess I will not be using this site again because what I thought would be fun harmless question of information has turned it into a unhappy one. 

OP, I think you have a lot of assumptions in your original post. I just tried to clear them up, and will do so again.

1) A bachelorette party can be anything that is fun to do.

2) Anyone can go to a bachelorette party. Anyone can plan a bachelorette party. Those people do not have to be family or in the wedding party, so the fact that your daughter has chosen not to have a wedding party has no bearing on this. Same goes with showers.

3) Family does not have to go to a bachelorette party or a shower, although they can if the bride is comfortable with it.

4) There do not have to be a lot of people at a bachelorette party or even a shower.

No one attacked your daughter or her choices. One person said it was against etiquette for a MOB to throw a party to honor her own daughter - traditionally that is true, but in most cases no one worries about it now because the reasons behind it are mostly gone. Another person expressed surprise that a "911" post about an 18-year-old getting married was about throwing parties and not a concern that she's too young, because many mothers might be concerned. It just wasn't the post she was expecting - no judgment of your daughter was included. Both of those together, even if you incorrectly took them to be "attacking" your daughter, would not even comprise "most" of the replies. Everyone else said, "hey, here are some ideas you may not have thought of," since your post implied that you have a narrow view of how these parties need to be or look.

Holy overreaction, Batman. If you are unhappy over the responses to this question, that is not the fault of anyone here. I think you were expecting judgment - perhaps other people in your life have expressed concern over her age? - and so read that into the replies.

geebee908

southernbelle0915 said:

I have no problem with parents throwing showers for their kids. But in traditional etiquette, it's a no-no. Reason? Because it's seen as the family being gift grabby since the parents are "too close" to the bride. Often, aunts or friends will throw one for that reason. But honestly, IDGAF who throws it as long as someone isn't throwing it for themselves. 

Yeah, I don't see that being a good reason to preclude parents from hosting a shower, unless the parents are getting a cut of the take.

MesmrEwe

Showers I can't envision there being any issues - the most fun I ever had at a shower there were a grand total of five of us in attendance - and ZERO booze!  It was just a poolside party at the local Super 8, what made it fun was our attitudes.  There's no reason to think that a bachelorette party or shower needs to be trashy with booze, it can be whatever fits the hosts wishes.  In modern times it's just fine for the MOB/MOG to host the showers/party, though "way back when" it was an etiquette no-go. 

The key is to invite everyone and if they can make it, great, if not, that's o.k. too, you have fun and enjoy yourselves with who you have there.  Yes, have her invite her friends who are guests too.  This is what RSVP's are for, it's better to look back and rejoice in having had a small shower/bach party than to look back not having had one at all!

southernbelle0915

geebee908 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

I have no problem with parents throwing showers for their kids. But in traditional etiquette, it's a no-no. Reason? Because it's seen as the family being gift grabby since the parents are "too close" to the bride. Often, aunts or friends will throw one for that reason. But honestly, IDGAF who throws it as long as someone isn't throwing it for themselves. 

Yeah, I don't see that being a good reason to preclude parents from hosting a shower, unless the parents are getting a cut of the take.

@geebee908 I don't either, but that's the old school line of thinking. And it was like that because in the good ol' days, women lived with their parents until their parents married them off to some suitor who paid them a dowry. So since they were still a family unit living together, it was kind of like "give my kid presents!!" 

Times have changed and women aren't just passed from household to household. So yea, I literally have no problem with this.  Just trying to explain the origin of the sentiment.

geebee908

Thanks for the explanation, @southernbelle0915. I do appreciate it.

larrygaga

I went to a bach party when I was maybe 10 for my sister. Because there were younger people who were invited, we went to an amusement park and had a girls night in. I was served the virgin version of whatever the adults were drinking. It was fun!

My MOH planned a party for me where we went to this studio and had an art class. You all paint the same picture, and the teacher breaks it down into super simple steps. They blasted music for us and it was so much fun. We went out afterwards but that was the highlight of the day. You can then plan a fun dinner and host a little movie night or something fun after!

Bach parties don't need to be full of drinking and clubbing. 

lildropofsunshine

I would ask your daughter what she wants. My FI and I are not having bachelor(ette) parties because neither of us wants one. It's just one more thing to do and more money for people to spend.

hellohkb

I gave no idea what's happening for my Bachelorette but I have 3 underage BMs (11, 14, and 18). All of us will likely go to dinner after my bridal shower and hang out, the older ladies may want to go to a bar when the younger girls go home. I have no idea what my BMs have planned, though.

The bachelorette party doesn't have to be anything crazy. Movies, BBQ, spa night, yoga class, pool party, etc. Etc.

CMGragain

@lildropofsunshine This thread is almost two months old.  I doubt if the OP is still around to read your comment.  Please check the date before you resurrect a dying thread.

hellohkb

Ah! Thank you, CMGr, you are correct. OP hasn't been around since May 15. My advice still stands for lurkers now, I suppose

Fosmoh

I didn't read all the comments.

First, talk to your daughter and ask what SHE wants to do  
she's definitely going to be the best source of information on that one.

I'm not a teen bride by any means, but i agree that a bachelorette doesn't have to involve drinking.

I love the idea of using it as an opportunity to do something you wouldn't usually do. 
Sky diving, indoor rock climbing, paint balling, a cottage trip etc.  anything really.

You can also google and go on Pinterest for ideas.  try searching for terms like "Teenage bucket list" for some ideas.  get your daughter looking into what she'd want to do as well. 

Good luck! 

Viczaesar

@Fosmoh, this was a dead thread.