etiquette on who gets invited to the shower?

marie2785

Is there etiquette on who should be included on the shower invite list that I provide to my aunt (who is hosting the shower?). My aunt told me include however many people I wanted, so that's not an issue. 

My mom made the list up and sent it to my aunt without clearing it with me (normal for her...), and she included my FI's OOT mother who will definitely not come due to distance/cost. But the list does not include my FI's OOT sister or SIL, who would also definitely not come due to distance/cost. My FI was concerned about splitting his family up invite wise.

To invite them all seemed gift grabby since I know they won't actually make it. We're paying for his parents flight to the wedding due to their finances, and we can't afford to also fly them out for the shower. A similar issue exists for his sister and brother/SIL--they plan to make it to the wedding, but let us know in various ways that it was a difficult expense for them. 

So I'm leaning towards taking his mom off the list, and not adding his sisters...or is that an etiquette issue? 

LondonLisa

marie2785 said:

Is there etiquette on who should be included on the shower invite list that I provide to my aunt (who is hosting the shower?). My aunt told me include however many people I wanted, so that's not an issue. 

My mom made the list up and sent it to my aunt without clearing it with me (normal for her...), and she included my FI's OOT mother who will definitely not come due to distance/cost. But the list does not include my FI's OOT sister or SIL, who would also definitely not come due to distance/cost. My FI was concerned about splitting his family up invite wise.

To invite them all seemed gift grabby since I know they won't actually make it. We're paying for his parents flight to the wedding due to their finances, and we can't afford to also fly them out for the shower. A similar issue exists for his sister and brother/SIL--they plan to make it to the wedding, but let us know in various ways that it was a difficult expense for them. 

So I'm leaning towards taking his mom off the list, and not adding his sisters...or is that an etiquette issue? 

An invitation is not a summons. I would think it is a nice gesture to invite them all. However, I agree with your fi that you either need to invite them all or none. 

What does your fi say- I would think not being invited might cause a bigger issue than inviting them, however, only you know the dynamic.

southernbelle0915

I'd do two things:

1) make sure anyone on the guest list is actually invited to the wedding; and

2) at a minimum, I'd try to include the BMs, the MOB, the MOG, siblings, and grandparents.

An invitation isn't a subpoena. And it's a nice gesture to let the OOT people know that you're thinking of them and that they're welcome if they can to make it.

flantastic

I wouldn't see it as a gift grab, because if I can't attend the shower then I don't send a shower gift.

charcoalandblush

I included FMIL and FSIL in my OOT shower invite list even though I knew they couldn't come. I was invited to all of FSILs showers. Maybe it did feel a little gift-grabby to invite them, but I would have felt like I was leaving them out if I didn't (and I know that FMIL would probably have felt slightly left out, she LOVES pre-wedding parties).

Jen4948

The only actual etiquette rule with regard to shower guest lists is that anyone invited to a bridal shower must also be invited to the wedding (work/group showers excepted).

Beyond that it's really up to you.  I personally would invite the mothers, sisters, SILs, grandmothers, and wedding party members to the shower.  I don't think you need to send invitations to out-of-town people or others who aren't part of your circle, although it's nice to do.

spglsp

Go ahead and invite the out of towners. They may not be able to make it but there's nothing wrong with that. You're golden.

AddieCake

I don't think inviting your future in-laws looks gift grabby at all.

kvruns

I "invited" my OOT grandma and FMIL - just as a courtesy to feel included even though neither would be coming. Grandma sent a gift (she told me long before anything was planned she would be sends something) and FMIL sent nothing, no big deal.

marie2785

Thanks everyone--I sent my future SIL's info to my aunt to add to the shower list. Invites go out this week, so now I actually need to register for gifts!