Maid of Honor problems

Knottie69466176

I'm having a little trouble with my maid of honor. We've known each other since 3rd grade. That gives us over 20 years under our belt. When I got engaged last year she was one of the first people I had called and we were so excited! She knows my FH well and we've had many late night convos about when this time would come for either of us. In all honesty I was debating on who I would ask as my maid of honor. It was between my best friend or my cousin who is also a best friend to me. Before I made my decision my friend assumed that I would ask her and took on the roll so I decided to make my cousin my matron of honor. My friend and my cousin did go with me to pick out bridesmaids dresses and I let them choose what they were comfortable in. Since then she's offered little help. I know my bridesmaids have their own lives too but I was just expecting a little more from my MOH. She shows little interest and she'll say she'll be over to help and never shows up (yet snap chats me of her out drinking the same day) I'm busy too with kids in school so I have a small gap to get things done kid free and I'm sitting around waiting for her. If she has plans that's fine but she says she's coming and doesn't show. The thing she's most enthusiastic about is the bachelorette party. She says she's coming over to help with stuff and doesn't show up, she hardly responds to any texts but she is here on time for my FH to work on her car and I know for sure she'll be on time for the bachelorette party. I guess I'm just disappointed because mostly I feel like we've grown apart. If I were in here wedding I would be a lot more enthusiastic and willing to help.... at least I think I would be.... I've never been an MOH but I've tried to put myself in her shoes too. Am I expecting too much? I don't feel like an MOH's job is to just buy her dress and show up, that's a bridesmaids job. She took on the roll herself and I've had more help and interest from my other bridesmaids. I know this day won't be as important to anyone else than me and my FH but I would just like her to show a little interest. I try not to only talk about wedding details and ask my bridesmaids about how they're doing too. This is just not the experience I thought it would be.

levioosa

Knottie69466176 said:

I'm having a little trouble with my maid of honor. We've known each other since 3rd grade. That gives us over 20 years under our belt. When I got engaged last year she was one of the first people I had called and we were so excited! She knows my FH well and we've had many late night convos about when this time would come for either of us. In all honesty I was debating on who I would ask as my maid of honor. It was between my best friend or my cousin who is also a best friend to me. Before I made my decision my friend assumed that I would ask her and took on the roll so I decided to make my cousin my matron of honor. My friend and my cousin did go with me to pick out bridesmaids dresses and I let them choose what they were comfortable in. Since then she's offered little help. I know my bridesmaids have their own lives too but I was just expecting a little more from my MOH. She shows little interest and she'll say she'll be over to help and never shows up (yet snap chats me of her out drinking the same day) I'm busy too with kids in school so I have a small gap to get things done kid free and I'm sitting around waiting for her. If she has plans that's fine but she says she's coming and doesn't show. The thing she's most enthusiastic about is the bachelorette party. She says she's coming over to help with stuff and doesn't show up, she hardly responds to any texts but she is here on time for my FH to work on her car and I know for sure she'll be on time for the bachelorette party. I guess I'm just disappointed because mostly I feel like we've grown apart. If I were in here wedding I would be a lot more enthusiastic and willing to help.... at least I think I would be.... I've never been an MOH but I've tried to put myself in her shoes too. Am I expecting too much? I don't feel like an MOH's job is to just buy her dress and show up, that's a bridesmaids job. She took on the roll herself and I've had more help and interest from my other bridesmaids. I know this day won't be as important to anyone else than me and my FH but I would just like her to show a little interest. I try not to only talk about wedding details and ask my bridesmaids about how they're doing too. This is just not the experience I thought it would be.

To the bolded, that is exactly her job.  You presumably asked her because she is your closest friend.  You are honoring her by asking her to stand next to you.  Her ONLY duties are to show up on time for the wedding, in the correct dress, sober, and in good spirits.  That's it.  She doesn't have to plan any parties or help you plan or craft any projects.  That is all on you and your FI. Also, is she always flaky?  Because she was not going to suddenly change for your wedding.  Have you tried asking her how she is doing?  Or bringing up that you feel like you are growing apart?  When is your wedding?

Hollywood tries to make it seem like a wedding is the single most important event of a person's life, and that everyone should be busy running around and squeeing about every detail.  That isn't realistic.  People get busy. They do have lives.  She might even be avoiding you because she feels like she'll be roped into something wedding related.  There is also this misconception that if your BP aren't good bridal bitches, then they're not good friends.  Don't let this wedding ruin a friendship.   

AddieCake

It's flaky of her to make plans with you and not show, but she isn't required to do much for your wedding, and helping you plan it, organize it, or get stuff done for it, is not her responsibility.

hellosweetie1015

Your MOH has no more duties than any of the BMs. She is given a position of higher honor, even, than that of your BMs, frankly. That's why there's a special title.

If she's always been prone to blow you off, you shouldn't have expected that to change. If she hasn't, you should stop talking wedding with her and talk to your friend.

And you and your FI should plan your wedding. That includes doing any DIY or envelope stuffing or whatever. If someone offers to help, you may, of course, accept, but if no one offers it's best not to ask.

jacques27

Knottie69466176 said:

I'm having a little trouble with my maid of honor. We've known each other since 3rd grade. That gives us over 20 years under our belt. When I got engaged last year she was one of the first people I had called and we were so excited! She knows my FH well and we've had many late night convos about when this time would come for either of us. In all honesty I was debating on who I would ask as my maid of honor. It was between my best friend or my cousin who is also a best friend to me. Before I made my decision my friend assumed that I would ask her and took on the roll so I decided to make my cousin my matron of honor. My friend and my cousin did go with me to pick out bridesmaids dresses and I let them choose what they were comfortable in. Since then she's offered little help. I know my bridesmaids have their own lives too but I was just expecting a little more from my MOH. She shows little interest and she'll say she'll be over to help and never shows up (yet snap chats me of her out drinking the same day) I'm busy too with kids in school so I have a small gap to get things done kid free and I'm sitting around waiting for her. If she has plans that's fine but she says she's coming and doesn't show. The thing she's most enthusiastic about is the bachelorette party. She says she's coming over to help with stuff and doesn't show up, she hardly responds to any texts but she is here on time for my FH to work on her car and I know for sure she'll be on time for the bachelorette party. I guess I'm just disappointed because mostly I feel like we've grown apart. If I were in here wedding I would be a lot more enthusiastic and willing to help.... at least I think I would be.... I've never been an MOH but I've tried to put myself in her shoes too. Am I expecting too much? I don't feel like an MOH's job is to just buy her dress and show up, that's a bridesmaids job. She took on the roll herself and I've had more help and interest from my other bridesmaids. I know this day won't be as important to anyone else than me and my FH but I would just like her to show a little interest. I try not to only talk about wedding details and ask my bridesmaids about how they're doing too. This is just not the experience I thought it would be.

Are you paying her?
Are you offering health insurance?
How about dental?
401k or deferred compensation plan?

If the answer to all of those questions is no, then you are using the word "job" inappropriately and should remind yourself that you are not her employer.

Real life is not like those Hallmark movies and romantic comedies.  Are people happy for you?  Sure.  But it's not a year long fawn-all-over-you-fest where people are falling all over themselves to be a part of your wedding and help you.  Most people who don't live in movies say "YAY!" and then go back to living their lives until the next time something YAY! worthy happens - they've got bills to pay, mouths to feed, jobs to work, etc. 

It sucks that you are disappointed by the experience thus far, but the solution is to readjust your expectations, not try to figure out ways to make your MOH step up to do more stuff for you as your bridal slave.  The only two people required to do anything with the planning of your wedding are the two people getting married.  If the two people getting married aren't able get the job done themselves, I recommend budgeting for a wedding planner who can take on the work.

Your wedding party is chosen based on who is your nearest and dearest that you want standing beside you the day you vow your life to another.  It's also completely optional - plenty of people get married without wedding parties.  Your wedding party isn't chosen based on who can do the most stuff for you. 

[Deleted User]

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hellosweetie1015

Also - and this is totally a semantics issue - but is your cousin married, or did you just assign her the title of "matron" because you already have a "maid"?

Like I said, this is totally a semantics issue and not particularly relevant, but the word "matron" brings to mind a middle-aged (or older) married woman, or a school-marm type person. If your cousin is not married, or - IMHO - if she is, but would be hurt or bothered by this connotation (which, honestly, I would quietly be), I'd make her co-maid, and not matron. You can certainly have two.

theartistformerlyknownas

Knottie69466176 said:

I'm having a little trouble with my maid of honor. We've known each other since 3rd grade. That gives us over 20 years under our belt. When I got engaged last year she was one of the first people I had called and we were so excited! She knows my FH well and we've had many late night convos about when this time would come for either of us. In all honesty I was debating on who I would ask as my maid of honor. It was between my best friend or my cousin who is also a best friend to me. Before I made my decision my friend assumed that I would ask her and took on the roll so I decided to make my cousin my matron of honor. My friend and my cousin did go with me to pick out bridesmaids dresses and I let them choose what they were comfortable in. Since then she's offered little help. I know my bridesmaids have their own lives too but I was just expecting a little more from my MOH. She shows little interest and she'll say she'll be over to help and never shows up (yet snap chats me of her out drinking the same day) I'm busy too with kids in school so I have a small gap to get things done kid free and I'm sitting around waiting for her. If she has plans that's fine but she says she's coming and doesn't show. The thing she's most enthusiastic about is the bachelorette party. She says she's coming over to help with stuff and doesn't show up, she hardly responds to any texts but she is here on time for my FH to work on her car and I know for sure she'll be on time for the bachelorette party. I guess I'm just disappointed because mostly I feel like we've grown apart. If I were in here wedding I would be a lot more enthusiastic and willing to help.... at least I think I would be.... I've never been an MOH but I've tried to put myself in her shoes too. Am I expecting too much? I don't feel like an MOH's job is to just buy her dress and show up, that's a bridesmaids job. She took on the roll herself and I've had more help and interest from my other bridesmaids. I know this day won't be as important to anyone else than me and my FH but I would just like her to show a little interest. I try not to only talk about wedding details and ask my bridesmaids about how they're doing too. This is just not the experience I thought it would be.

PPs have the main points covered, but I just wanted to chime in on this - are you saying that you're planning your own bachelorette party and that's what she's "not showing up" to help with? You really shouldn't have anything to do with planning a party in your own honor, beside maybe giving suggestions on restaurants you like, if asked.

Otherwise, yeah, Maid of Honor, is just that, AN HONOR. It's not a role or a job. It's a position of honor, where all the person has to do is stand there in a dress at your ceremony. Oftentimes yes, that person also chips in a lot of help and hosting for the bride, but only of their own choice, based on their own lives, preferences, and finances.

I suggest if you feel like you're drifting apart, you focus on reconnecting based on the reasons you're best friends in the first place, totally unrelated to your wedding.

[Deleted User]

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theartistformerlyknownas

pinkrevenge said:

hellosweetie1015 said:

Also - and this is totally a semantics issue - but is your cousin married, or did you just assign her the title of "matron" because you already have a "maid"?

Like I said, this is totally a semantics issue and not particularly relevant, but the word "matron" brings to mind a middle-aged (or older) married woman, or a school-marm type person. If your cousin is not married, or - IMHO - if she is, but would be hurt or bothered by this connotation (which, honestly, I would quietly be), I'd make her co-maid, and not matron. You can certainly have two.

Speak for yourself; the only reason I'm okay with Matron is because apparently "bridal hag" isn't a real title.

I also take no issue with the word matron. I don't associate it with age in this context at all.

hellosweetie1015

pinkrevenge said:

hellosweetie1015 said:

Also - and this is totally a semantics issue - but is your cousin married, or did you just assign her the title of "matron" because you already have a "maid"?

Like I said, this is totally a semantics issue and not particularly relevant, but the word "matron" brings to mind a middle-aged (or older) married woman, or a school-marm type person. If your cousin is not married, or - IMHO - if she is, but would be hurt or bothered by this connotation (which, honestly, I would quietly be), I'd make her co-maid, and not matron. You can certainly have two.

Speak for yourself; the only reason I'm okay with Matron is because apparently "bridal hag" isn't a real title.

Well damn, that's what I've been planning to have my sisters eventually call me if/when they get married (and assuming one of them chooses me as a bridesmaid)!

Knottie69466176

I'm not throwing my own bachelorette party nor did I throw my own bridal shower. I do talk to all of my bridesmaids about non wedding things I know they have stuff going on in their lives too and I don't consider myself to be a bridezilla. And I never officially asked her to be my maid of honor she just assumed that would be her role. I guess I'm disappointed because I know I would do a lot more for her and show more interest than she is doing for me. And yes my cousin is married that's why I made her my matron of honor I don't think it has anything to do with age and she wasn't offended by the title.

louxnoelle

hellosweetie1015 said:

Also - and this is totally a semantics issue - but is your cousin married, or did you just assign her the title of "matron" because you already have a "maid"?

Like I said, this is totally a semantics issue and not particularly relevant, but the word "matron" brings to mind a middle-aged (or older) married woman, or a school-marm type person. If your cousin is not married, or - IMHO - if she is, but would be hurt or bothered by this connotation (which, honestly, I would quietly be), I'd make her co-maid, and not matron. You can certainly have two.

Oh, I never thought of matron meaning anything other than an attendant that's married, versus one who isn't. It brings up connotations of "matronly" because that word itself has become kind of synonymous with "frumpy hag," but I don't think you're labeling your matron of honor as such anymore so than you'd be labeling your maid of honor a pure virgin, as maid comes from "maiden."

My BFF is my matron of honor only because she's married - the girl is 24 and beautiful. I'll have to ask her if she takes offense to it, that's interesting.

[Deleted User]

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Knottie69466176

If all my maid of honor is expected to do is show up to my wedding on time some what sober then great I know all I'll have to do when she gets married, that anything extra won't be expected from me. This will actually work out for me in the long run. I'll also be making a few changes to my wedding... my beautiful 27 year old cousin (not a hag) matron of honor will walk with the best man and she will also be our witness. She's been a huge help and we've grown even closer than before! Thanks for all your help!!

hellohkb

Knottie69466176 said:

If all my maid of honor is expected to do is show up to my wedding on time some what sober then great I know all I'll have to do when she gets married, that anything extra won't be expected from me. This will actually work out for me in the long run. I'll also be making a few changes to my wedding... my beautiful 27 year old cousin (not a hag) matron of honor will walk with the best man and she will also be our witness. She's been a huge help and we've grown even closer than before! Thanks for all your help!!

You mentioned before that you wanted to help out your MOH when she gets married You're allowed to do that, but it isn't mandatory. So because she won't help you with all of your planning you won't help her? You're acting really petty and childish.

My MOH (younger sister) hasn't helped with a single thing. She is not interested in really anything having to do with my wedding. The only thing she has to do is show up and stand next to me during the ceremony. But if she gets married I will absolutely help her with anything she wants to include me in. Invites, picking things out, DIY projects, anything. Because I WANT to. My feelings didn't change because she didn't help me.

jacques27

Knottie69466176 said:

If all my maid of honor is expected to do is show up to my wedding on time some what sober then great I know all I'll have to do when she gets married, that anything extra won't be expected from me. This will actually work out for me in the long run. I'll also be making a few changes to my wedding... my beautiful 27 year old cousin (not a hag) matron of honor will walk with the best man and she will also be our witness. She's been a huge help and we've grown even closer than before! Thanks for all your help!!

If acting like a petty bean counter who keeps a score sheet for what you do for each other is what makes you feel like a happy, fulfilled human being - then have it.  That's totally your right.  And yes, technically, that is all that should be REQUIRED of you.

AddieCake

How do you even know you will be the MOH in her future wedding?

[Deleted User]

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[Deleted User]

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flantastic

pinkrevenge said:

hellohkb said:

Knottie69466176 said:

If all my maid of honor is expected to do is show up to my wedding on time some what sober then great I know all I'll have to do when she gets married, that anything extra won't be expected from me. This will actually work out for me in the long run. I'll also be making a few changes to my wedding... my beautiful 27 year old cousin (not a hag) matron of honor will walk with the best man and she will also be our witness. She's been a huge help and we've grown even closer than before! Thanks for all your help!!

You mentioned before that you wanted to help out your MOH when she gets better. You're allowed to do that but it isn't mandatory. So because she won't help you with all of your planning you won't help her? You're acting really petty and childish.

My MOH (younger sister) hasn't helped with a single thing. She is not interested in really anything having to do with my wedding. The only thing she has to do is show up and stand next to me during the ceremony. But if she gets married I will absolutely help her with anything she wants to include me in. Invites, picking things out, DIY projects, anything. Because I WANT to. My feelings didn't change because she didn't help me.

My MOH was my 20 year old sister in college who didn't even buy her own dress (mom had to pay for it so she wouldn't have to quit her hospital internship), let alone miss school to do a bunch of jobs for me.
What a bitch. I should have made her switch places with my best friend at the last minute. Or I'll just ignore her when she gets married, because even if I have the desire and money, I'm five and think everything is tit for tat.

My 17-year-old sister was my maid of honor, and not only did she not plan anything for me, she didn't come to my bachelorette because she thought she'd have logistical issues traveling to my city and she'd be the youngest person there by 8 years and thought she might be "uncomfortable."

What a bitch. See if I try to do anything for her when she gets married.

hellohkb

@pinkrevenge @flantastic

Ugh, those RUDE bridesmaids. You should have kicked them out and replaced them with someone who would happily be a brideslave! They clearly don't love you since they didn't revolve their lives around your wedding. 

I'm just so disgusted by these horrible MOHs.

kaitlynmichelle

I'm the MOH in my bff's wedding this fall. We've been friends for 23 years now.

We live across the country from each other. I didn't get a shower, a big bachelorette party, etc because it just wasn't feasible when we live so far apart.
Sometimes MOHs want to help out with things, sometimes they don't (or can't). I had to tell her yesterday that I can't afford a third trip home this year to be a part of her bachelorette party. If her response had been that it was my job or anger that I couldn't, I'd be really hurt.

If they show up and support you on your wedding day, then they did their "job".

huskypuppy14

Are you old enough to be married? Because you sound like a 5 year old.

levioosa

Knottie69466176 said:

If all my maid of honor is expected to do is show up to my wedding on time some what sober then great I know all I'll have to do when she gets married, that anything extra won't be expected from me. This will actually work out for me in the long run. I'll also be making a few changes to my wedding... my beautiful 27 year old cousin (not a hag) matron of honor will walk with the best man and she will also be our witness. She's been a huge help and we've grown even closer than before! Thanks for all your help!!

Your attitude is pretty gross.  This isn't a tit for tat thing. A big part of friendship is doing things for someone without expecting anything in return. I treat my BFF to lunch occasionally.  I never expect her to pay me back. I don't have a tally of everything I've done for her, and what we owe each other.  You're acting like a child.  

kaitlynmichelle

Just want to add I had two MOHs. One lives close to me, the other one across the country. I had the friend of 20+ years be the witness and sign our license because our lifelong friendship meant a lot to me. The other MOH actually "helped" more with crafts, decisions, etc because she wanted to, and lives near me. She also went dress shopping with me.

If I told MOH 1 that because she didn't do enough work for my wedding that she wasn't getting the MOH roles she assumed, that would have been a huge slap in the face to her.